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Bookswithtea
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| Posted: April 25 2006 at 8:55pm | IP Logged
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My ds is going to be 13 in August. He's my first. He was always a bit "high maintanence" as a baby (as in the book "Raising your Spirited Child" and he's acting exactly as you have described, Bridget! Some days I want to just scream in frustration because I want so badly to understand him and what drives him, but I don't always get it.
He's also maturing early, is in a size 11 shoe and his voice is changing rapidly...sigh...He eats like a horse.
I have noticed a few things that help...
1--let him cool off when he needs to, but don't stay away too long or it can make things worse.
2--it seems that the emotional outbursts are *often* not even remotely related to what he's responding to. Usually its something else like, "I've been cooped up in the house too long because my sister was sick and I missed seeing my friends at my classes so now I am going to explode because we are having oatmeal for breakfast again."  I've had some good luck with not even responding to it for a minute or two and thinking about the past couple of days. Usually I can then say, "I guess you are missing your friends, huh?" and it totally disarms the incident and it seems to pass. This doesn't always work, but sometimes it does. It backfires if I misread him entirely and he will stomp off and I have to start over. 
3--the physical work thing seems to work, but sometimes he is acting so lazy I could scream (and he's not a computer or tv kid who normally likes to sit for long). I am thinking maybe his body is so focused on growing that its using up his energy??? But I don't know if its true.
4--Someone here suggested the book Hold Onto Your Kids. I read part of it and it talked about always reconnecting with your kids after a span of being separated or an awkward moment. He called it "collecting." It reminded me of Dr. Sears's "know your child and help your child to feel right" ideas. I've begun practicing this idea of collecting and it really does seem to help.
I feel your pain. I sure am hoping that everyone here is right and girls are not as hard, as I have 3 girls after him before I have to do an adolescent boy again!
~Books
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lapazfarm
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| Posted: April 27 2006 at 5:52pm | IP Logged
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Well, I hate burst the girl bubble, but here goes.
I have three girls and two boys. The two boys are a walk in the park. My girls...well, the oldest drove me to tears (and to my knees) on a daily basis from the age of 12 up. It's a wonder I have a hair left on my head because I never could figure her out. She is 21 now and still gives me many reasons to pray, pray, pray. My second daughter, age 16 is a dream. Sweet, even keeled, bright and kind. My third daughter, at age 4 shows signs of eventually putting her oldest sister to shame.
But since this is about boys, I agree with the part about work or other physical pursuits (like sports) helping. For my 15yo, the more he does physically, the better his temperament. Also, letting go of the apron strings and letting him make his own mistakes seems to be more important to him than my dd(16). The approach that seems to work best with him is to treat him like the man I expect him to become. For example, disrespect is not tolerated, not because he is my son, but because I would never put up with that from ANY man (or woman either).I let him know daily how much help he is and how much I love having another man in the house to help me (which usually causes him to blush, but spurs him to help even more).
"Pick your battles" is also excellent advice.
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
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mary
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| Posted: April 28 2006 at 6:40am | IP Logged
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my oldest is soon to be 8 and i'm already struggling with emotional outbursts and how to handle him. are you all saying this is going to get worse? i think so much depends on personality. my next boy is a dream child in pretty much every way. my dd is just like my oldest boy.
i just got the book love and logic parenting, hoping that it would have some more insights on how to deal with my stubborn, opinionated children (who bear a remarkable resemblance to me, i fear). I will add the Sally Clarkson books to my reading list. parenting sure is hard work.
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Elizabeth
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| Posted: April 28 2006 at 7:34am | IP Logged
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Bookswithtea wrote:
3--the physical work thing seems to work, but sometimes he is acting so lazy I could scream (and he's not a computer or tv kid who normally likes to sit for long). I am thinking maybe his body is so focused on growing that its using up his energy??? But I don't know if its true.
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He really does need to eat. I had a 16 yo professional soccer player live with me for two years. I think God was letting me make some adolescent parenting mistakes o someone else's child  . He used to get up, go to training, come home, pass by the refrigerator and stand and eat huge quantities of food, then fall asleep for a couple hours.It truly drove me nuts until my pediatrician (who was an NCAA all-American and really GETS athletes), pointed out that average adolescents need a lot more sleep than 10yo; elite athletes often do nothing but eat, sleep, and play. If you are throwing some physical labor into his day (and you should), he's going to need lots of sleep. This phenomenon has held true two more times n my house and I've been more patient with it each time.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Bookswithtea
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| Posted: April 28 2006 at 9:23am | IP Logged
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I've heard about the needs for sleep and food, but I've never seen any guidelines. My ds is almost 13. His light goes out at 9:30pm and he's usually up by 7am to start his school (he likes to be done before noon for the day. Its his thing, not mine). Sometimes he gets up earlier if he percieves a heavy load that day...6:30. After a few days of this he usually wakes up at 8am for the next few days and says things like, "I'm sooooooooooooooo tired...." sits on a chair and acts like its a chore to stand up. Does this sound normal?
Physical activity is something we encourage with working outside, but he does not get regular activity like your soccer players. This August we are signing up all three school aged children for the local swim team...3 days a week, 1 hr a day. They have the option of going 5 days a week but I don't think I can get him there more than 3 days a week. The season is August through March. Do you think this is enough, coupled with hauling trash down a very very long driveway, lawncare (2.6 acres worth) and digging in the yard as necessary?
As for food, I am at my wit's end determining what is a healthy amount of food for him. He gets dizzy if he tries to do a 3 hr fast before communion.
He will eat whole grain cereal with milk, whole grain toast, oj, fresh fruit, and be hungry 45 minutes later. If he eats oatmeal, he's starving in just over an hour (maybe lack of protein??). I'm about ready to start making eggs every morning for breakfast, but I'm worried about the cholesterol.
He seems happiest when I'm making big casseroles like lasagna or enchiladas, along with rice and veggies. You can imagine what that does for *my* waistline.
He's not overweight, but he's definitely broadening as puberty hits...wide shoulders and very tall. He's close to outgrowing a size 11 shoe.
So anyway, I tell you all this to ask, how much physical exertion and how much food is normal?
~Books
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Bridget
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Then again, they can competently lead the family in the rosary, complete with a deep 'dad voice' and global prayer intentions, with a toddler on their lap. 
I'm so confused.
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Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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teachingmyown
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Not a lot of time here, but wondering how you all deal with the Jeckle/Hyde phenomenom of teenage boys?
Last night, after two long days, Charlie (14) was mouthing off at me about just about everything- school, religion, punishments, etc. He wouldn't lay off, even in front of his grandmother, to the point that I finally screamed at him and told him to shut up.  Not a great mom moment, but I did just give birth.
He stormed upstairs and made tons of noise yelling and slamming things around. About 15 minutes later, he came down , school books in hand, and sat down by the baby. He then picked her up for the first time and started talking to her and then to me and his grandmother like the last scene had never happened!
I never know how to handle this abrupt change and it happens alot. What do you all think? Does this happen in your homes?
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Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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Bookswithtea
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teachingmyown wrote:
I never know how to handle this abrupt change and it happens alot. What do you all think? Does this happen in your homes? |
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Yes, it does happen in my home...probably once every 2 weeks or so. Its the weirdest thing! We just go along with it and presume he is trying to choose to improve his attitude. Sometimes I think he blows up and then is embarrassed at how he acted and would just rather forget it happened.
It seems like the when he's really emotional and ready to blow, it all goes better if I get really soft spoken and lower my own emotional response (which can be really hard for me). I'm beginning to get the idea that my ds is just as bewildered by his emotional overreactions as dh and I.
Blessings,
~Books
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Willa
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One of my children did that kind of thing Molly, on a smaller scale. The feedback I get later in their lives is that they pray and discern in their room and come out trying to do better. FWIW 
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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esperanza
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| Posted: April 30 2006 at 7:56pm | IP Logged
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Bookswithtea wrote:
It seems like the when he's really emotional and ready to blow, it all goes better if I get really soft spoken and lower my own emotional response (which can be really hard for me). I'm beginning to get the idea that my ds is just as bewildered by his emotional overreactions as dh and I.
Blessings,
~Books |
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We are here with you all, as well. I also have my most emotional 12 dd riding along on the roller coaster
It is so challenging when these "Jeckyl/Hyde" sons are bigger than us, moms. I find looking at their cute baby face pictures when they were toddlers helpful in remembering how wonderful I thought they were... and still are
 I am trying desperately to be calmer and encourage them to step back from the intensity .
My big challenge this week was watching him hand me a big bag of practically new clothes for the give away box. His closest brother is size 6. I already have made most of our summer clothing purchases...not leaving much for him and his 17 yo sister who keeps getting smaller
I definitely need to budget in these growth spurts better if that is possible
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In His Peace,
Tammy Gonzalez in VA
dh-Johnny
mom to Tara-'85, Noelle-'88, Jeremy-'91, Elizabeth-'93, Emma-'96, Dominic-'99, Gabriel-'01, Elijah-03
and Jacinta-06
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Adolescent Boys
