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Claire F
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| Posted: Jan 12 2012 at 10:59pm | IP Logged
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In deciding to homeschool, we have (of course) gotten questions and comments about "socialization." The idea of socialization, meaning, "teaching my kids to behave well and relate to others," isn't a concern for me, really. I would, however, love to hear more about how friendships work with your children.
One of the things that appeals to me about homeschooling is that (hopefully) my kids won't go through the same extreme peer-dependency phase that I did. I expect their friends to be important to them, but I also don't think it's natural or necessary for kids to be so hyperfocused on friends and peers the way I remember being (and the way most schooled kids seem to be).
But, I'm having a bit of a time imagining how things will actually be with my kids, in terms of where and how they will make new friends, and how those friendships will play out. In my own childhood, I went to public school and very much fell into that hyper-obsessed-with-my-friends phase. I don't want that for them - meaning, I don't feel like I need to recreate the social life they may have had if they went to school. But I'm wondering, what do homeschool kids' friendships look like?
I'm sorry if that is a weird or very nonspecific question. And I wouldn't say this is a terribly worrisome issue for me. It's simply something I've pondered and I thought I'd ask :).
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Claire
Mom to DS 12/04, DS 5/07, DD 8/09
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Jan 12 2012 at 11:24pm | IP Logged
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Unless you're in an area with a lot of homeschoolers, their friends wlll be going to public schools and you'll still deal with some issues.. at least it's more 2nd hand.. I've found it really hard in the middle school years.. simply because the kids in public schools here are aping adult-like behaviors and are so worried about fitting in that a homeschooled child that doesn't get away with those things is "out of step" with the other kids. I find that homeschooled kids tend to be more child-like longer but more responsible sooner than the average of public schooled kids.. comparing any individuals of course you could have it go either way.
As for where they meet friends, homeschool groups, church, sports, scouting type programs, 4H programs, community events, summer camps (short term sports/church camps), children of the adults you and your dh meet through work and other activities.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Bridget
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| Posted: Jan 13 2012 at 7:34am | IP Logged
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I LOVE my kids friends! And they have more opportunities for socializing than I have gas money or time for. 
Most of my kids friends are from their homeschool enrichment program. But not all. They also have close cousins who all attend Catholic school, great neighbor kids who attend public school and other homeschooled kids from our area.
Most of the friendships developed as family relationships. Either the families got together or if a kid is invited over to play, there are usually siblings who match up too and the hostess ends up with a small crowd over to play. 
One thing I noticed is that the kids and teens are happy to converse with younger kids, parents, teachers, ... anyone. They have their closest friends but they see everyone as a whole person with interesting, worthwhile things about them.
Homeschooling has come a long way in recent years. Your child has many opportunities to learn and socialize outside the home. So many that hs parents now struggle to find the balance. 
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Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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Mimip
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| Posted: Jan 13 2012 at 12:26pm | IP Logged
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My kids friendships have changed over the years as they have gotten older.
My oldest will be 12 soon and she truly only has 4 or 5 friends but she has grown to really love it that way. In fact with our closest friends she is the lone girl of the group of 11-13 year olds and has learned soooo much about "boy" things and decorum and the difference between girl discussions and boy discussions. The 3 13 year old boys guard her like a sister and even invited her to go paint balling with them.
In our home, both my husband and I are extroverts and that has really helped in my children making friends I think. We invite families over for game nights on Fridays and that way my children meet with other kids all the time. (Us and one other family) We have 5 or 6 families that we meet with depending on schedules as well as park days a few times a month. My children mainly socialize with homeschooled kids because my husband and I's friends are homeschool parents. 
My daughters have made other friends at ballet but they usually have so much on their plates that they just stay ballet friends that they see twice a week.
My little ones play with anyone!
Hope that helps!
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In Christ,
Mimi
Wife of 16 years to Tom, Mom of DD'00, DD'02, '04(in heaven) DS'05, DS'08 and DS '12
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Kathryn
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| Posted: Jan 14 2012 at 12:29pm | IP Logged
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I will say it has taken a bit more of me to ensure friendships stay in tact with the children I *want* them to maintain friendships with because of distance. For dd, I invite the children I want her to continue to maintain friendships with on a regular basis for sleepovers about every 2-3 months. The big kids go to a few homeschool classes so have a couple friends there. Then we live in typical suburbia so lots of neighborhood friends that may be we wouldn't "choose" but since my big kids are the oldest of them all I don't really have a lot of issues like you mention. Then, DD is in a ballet dance company and has a couple of friends from there but again, they do the sleepover every couple of months to "bond" more. DS doesn't do sleepovers...waaay too immature.
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(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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Claire F
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| Posted: Jan 21 2012 at 4:31pm | IP Logged
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I think in some ways I overthink this issue. I mean, my kids are still little. And they do have friends we see on a regular basis. Our best friends live right next door and they have two boys who are a little bit older than my oldest - so they play all the time, especially my oldest and their youngest. And we have other friends with kids as well, of similar ages to mine.
I find myself feeling like I need to take a more active role in promoting friendships - or wondering if I should be. I wonder if I should be suggesting playdates with kids we meet at Cub Scouts or at the Y, or trying to get to know the other parents so those playdates are more likely. When he was in school, I figured if he wanted to hang out with other friends, he would ask. Now I wonder if I'm doing enough to make sure he can make friends and spend time playing with them.
But then again, if he wanted to make more friends or play with more kids or have playdates with the kids we already know (other than the kids from our group of friends), he would ask, right?
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Claire
Mom to DS 12/04, DS 5/07, DD 8/09
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SallyT
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| Posted: Jan 23 2012 at 7:10pm | IP Logged
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Regarding asking for playdates, I think that if two (or more) kids get along really well and show a mutual interest in playing more together, and the parents are people you'd be comfortable trading playdates with, that's great. I don't think I'd just go looking to make playdates, if you know what I mean -- I'd observe and follow the kids' lead.
I think if they're seeing and playing with other kids, and you socialize with families with children, then you're good to go. Over time, some friendships will develop into more serious, want-to-spend-more-time friendships, and some won't. Some kids seem to have a higher need for friendships like that than others, too. My 18yo had, until she went to college, a very small but intense core group of friends, with whom she spent as much time as possible, though not nearly as much time as I remember spending with my high-school friends (family? what family?). It was interesting to me that when she was home for Christmas break, it took her a good two weeks to be ready to socialize outside our family; mostly she wanted to sleep and be at home, and seemed perfectly satisfied just to hang with us.
My 14yo is very happy to see his friends at Scouts and church and to hang out with some teenagers at a homeschool get-together on Thursday afternoons, but he isn't asking to have people over or go to people's houses much, or even go out with friends. He likes to go to the ceili/folk dances we have at our parish periodically -- they're very well attended by teenagers, homeschooled and otherwise, and he really enjoys himself at them, but he doesn't seem to want to go looking for social action all the time. I think he gets enough togetherness on his frequent Scout campouts, and it's nice to come home!
My 8- and 9yos (girl and boy) are much more invested in playing with friends and having sleepovers, which we don't do often but do allow. Their friends are a mix of homeschooled and schooled kids from our local public and charter schools; almost all are friends from church whom they also see in Scouts, and some of whom live in our neighborhood, so the kids play back and forth between houses, and we're friends with the parents. I know whose houses they're in, and I trust the adults, so within those parameters we kind of just let them go. There is one family we know whom we don't permit our kids to visit (fortunately not in the neighborhood), because of . . . well, issues, obviously . . . though those kids can come to our house. Handling that with the mother has been awkward, because I don't want to come out and say, "My kids won't come to your house because your house is wildly dysfunctional," but so far I've been able to finesse it.
I think if your kids want to play with a particular child, they'll ask. If they don't ask, I wouldn't worry about it. For the longest time, my two youngers were perfectly content to make "best friends" of the moment every time we went to the playground, with kids they were probably never going to see again. That was fine with me -- I could see that they *could* make friends and play well with other children, and as long as they were happy, I didn't sweat it much.
Funnily enough, some of my kids' happiest friendships are with kids we knew in Memphis, before moving to NC in 2008. Every time we go back to visit family, all the kids have at least one afternoon's huge reunion with the children in a large family whom we used to hang out with regularly -- they have someone for every child of mine, and though we really don't communicate at all between visits, everyone seems to pick right up where they left off last time. It just makes me happy to see them all together!
Sally
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Kids' friendships?
