| Author | |
all for God
Forum Rookie
Joined: Aug 01 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 75
|
| Posted: Dec 20 2011 at 7:52pm | IP Logged
|
 |
|
I'm looking for a little advice...
A little back ground:
My 13 year old daughter who is the oldest of our 9 kids is a very self-motivated person. She's a tomboy and VERY aggressive!!!! She is often the leader of our kids, which can be good and bad.
Her attitude the past few years has gotten increasingly confusing. She doesn't try on her school work anymore and says she doesn't care if she fails. She acts mad one day but acts all happy and helpful the next. I see no pattern, or reason, and she refuses to talk to me about it.
I think she wants to go to school....but I'm not sure. She will not tell me. I have tried several times to have pleasant conversations with her on an adult level, but she just refuses to talk to me.
My biggest problem:
She is just being very disruptive when I try to teach the other kids!
Any advice? I'm thinking I should just put her in school.  She's really bringing down the rest of our kids.
__________________
Jon+Jen=15 happy yrs
6 bubbly girls + 3 lively boys =9 silly kids(ages 14 to 1)
+3 in Our Lady's care
all=
Catholic Inspired ~Arts, crafts & more
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Aagot
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 06 2010
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 649
|
| Posted: Dec 20 2011 at 8:00pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I wonder if she just feels a lack of one on one attention (without grilling questions but with you or her dad)and isn't even sure what she is feeling.
Or maybe she has food allergies/issues that cause her to have mood swings?
If she is feeling rejected or a lack of attention, sending her to school can just put a big wedge in your relationship.
I'll pray for you all.
Aagot
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
all for God
Forum Rookie
Joined: Aug 01 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 75
|
| Posted: Dec 20 2011 at 8:10pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Aagot wrote:
I wonder if she just feels a lack of one on one attention (without grilling questions but with you or her dad)and isn't even sure what she is feeling.
Or maybe she has food allergies/issues that cause her to have mood swings?
If she is feeling rejected or a lack of attention, sending her to school can just put a big wedge in your relationship.
I'll pray for you all.
Aagot |
|
|
Thank you so much for the prayers, Aagot!!
DD does strive for attention! Too much!  I think that's why she's so disruptive. As a whole, I would say I spend most of my day with her...in a good way. I often feel like the other kids are getting neglected because I feel she always interrupts when I'm with them. But when she gets into one of her down spells she just won't talk to me about it.
I'll think about the food allergies...Food can do funny things.
Thanks!!! 
__________________
Jon+Jen=15 happy yrs
6 bubbly girls + 3 lively boys =9 sillykids(ages 14 to 1)
+3 in Our Lady's care
all=
Catholic Inspired ~Arts, crafts & more
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Aagot
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 06 2010
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 649
|
| Posted: Dec 20 2011 at 10:12pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
My oldest is like this to a certain extent. He "demands" attention in different and sometimes disruptive ways. He also feels really neglected. we feel we are spending more time and energy on him then the other three combined Some or most of this, I think, is related to learning issues. I don't know if that applies at all to your daughter but if so, you may find www.diannecraft.com helpful. She has a lot of info. on nutrition, behavior, and learning.
Hth,
Aagot
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
all for God
Forum Rookie
Joined: Aug 01 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 75
|
| Posted: Dec 20 2011 at 10:40pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Aagot wrote:
My oldest is like this to a certain extent. He "demands" attention in different and sometimes disruptive ways. He also feels really neglected. we feel we are spending more time and energy on him then the other three combined Some or most of this, I think, is related to learning issues. I don't know if that applies at all to your daughter but if so, you may find www.diannecraft.com helpful. She has a lot of info. on nutrition, behavior, and learning.
Hth,
Aagot |
|
|
Thank you again!!
Very nice website! I'll take a closer look at that tomorrow, it looks very interesting!
DD is a sharp kid, she seems to pick things up very easily when she wants to learn it! I'm very impressed with her ability to read, write, and retain things. In the past she was just so eager to learn! That's why her sudden non-caring attitude toward school concerns me. I'm beginning to wonder if it's just another way to get attention!
Thank you again!
__________________
Jon+Jen=15 happy yrs
6 bubbly girls + 3 lively boys =9 sillykids(ages 14 to 1)
+3 in Our Lady's care
all=
Catholic Inspired ~Arts, crafts & more
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Pilgrim
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 28 2007
Location: Wisconsin
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1286
|
| Posted: Dec 21 2011 at 7:58am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I was wondering if it could be hormones, she's at the age for hormone swings. Girls hormone changes can cause a lot of mood changes even throughout a single day. We have seen some mood swing stuff with our oldest.
Maybe she's bored with the material, needs a little more challenge or to try something like a unit study on something she finds really interesting?
Could it be, especially as the oldest(oldest children sometimes feel the burden for family stuff the most), she struggles with emotions over the health issues you've had to deal with? Some kids have trouble opening up when they are dealing with worry, resentment, or other strong emotions. I have one particular sibling who reacts more strongly to things, and can have negative outbursts because they don't know how to talk about their emotions. And it can be particularly so if they feel in competition with other siblings, especially if the other sibling easily can share their emotions, etc.
Maybe you can just tell her she can come and talk when she's ready, even late at night when the siblings are in bed. Encourage her to pray about what's giving her trouble, and that you and Dad will too, and that you, or you and he will be happy to talk to her any time. I know my mom has had some really late night talks with teenagers , and those have been difficult in that she was tired, but they they have been some of the most productive talks, and the youngster she was talking with didn't have to worry about siblings hearing what may have been a subject they didn't want to talk about with siblings listening ears. Or maybe you could swing going to get a bite to eat at a drive through, and talking?
Oh, one last thing after just reading through your post again, and after Aagot mentioning Dianne Crafts site. If you are able to watch videos online, maybe watch the "Biology of Behavior" clip on this page and see if it may apply. It discusses yeast overgrowth, and inconsistency and mood swings are a big symptom, and yeast overgrowth can develop which wasn't there before, and the symptoms can be really hard to deal with.
Just throwing out all kinds of ideas in hopes that one may spark something and help.
__________________
Wife 2 my bf, g14,b8,g&b6,g4,g3,g1 1/2,4 ^i^
St. Clare Heirloom Seeds coupon 4Real 20% off
St. Clare Audio
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SaraP
Forum All-Star
Joined: Dec 15 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 531
|
| Posted: Dec 21 2011 at 11:48am | IP Logged
|
|
|
all for God wrote:
| I'm thinking I should just put her in school. She's really bringing down the rest of our kids. |
|
|
I would be very, very careful about doing anything that could be interpretted as pushing away a child who is demanding attention (however obnoxiously). A child who is being a pain-in-the-you-know-where almost always does genuinely need more attention and for a teen to decide that since her parents can't give her the attention she craves, she had better find it elsewhere can be disasterous.
Which is awfully hard when you have a house full of littler ones who also need you so much.
The other ladies have had good practical suggestions and I will add prayers.
__________________
Mama to six on earth, two in heaven and two waiting in Russia. Foxberry Farm Almanac
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Willa
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 28 2005
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3881
|
| Posted: Dec 21 2011 at 1:24pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Since you said she was a tomboy, I am wondering if she doesn't have a vigorous outlet for her energies? My athletic boy gets more disruptive and unmotivated when he is away from sports, or too much housebound. He really needs to channel that physical energy. Also the clearcut challenges seem to help. I think this gets to be more of an issue when children hit the teen years because younger kids can just go outside and play with their siblings.
I know it's hard when you have a houseful, and depending on geography and $$$ it's not always easy to arrange healthy safe activities for kids, but wondering if something like martial arts or Irish dancing or long hikes or running/biking could be a possibility.
__________________
AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
all for God
Forum Rookie
Joined: Aug 01 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 75
|
| Posted: Dec 21 2011 at 2:34pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Pilgrim: I've tried many late night outings and evening talks to see if the personal, one-on-one would help her. It helped, but only in small ways.
I think she's tired of hearing me say she needs to pray about it!!! 
Hormones may be a problem...it's very random! She may act like a boy, but she's still a girl. Even if she doesn't want to beleive that!!! 
Willa: I've asked her about joining a group,(martial arts, basket ball, etc) she says no. But she's a very smart girl...she knows $$$ is a problem, even when I try to keep that from her.
Pilgrim: I think your thought on her having a hard time with my up coming surgery and all my past health problems may be getting to her. I'm thinking that may be the reason she won't talk to me about it.
She's such a sweet girl (on her good days) I really hope and pray this will be my last surgery. She really needs a mom who's a whole person! I want to be that for her.
After my last surgery when I was doing better (before I started having problems again) she was very happy. Maybe that is her problem!
Thank you everyone!!! As Sarap said, I better not push her away. Thank you so much for the ideas and encouragement!! I'm feeling much better! I think I'll go give her and all the kids a hug!!
Thank you and God bless! 
__________________
Jon+Jen=15 happy yrs
6 bubbly girls + 3 lively boys =9 sillykids(ages 14 to 1)
+3 in Our Lady's care
all=
Catholic Inspired ~Arts, crafts & more
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Angie Mc
Board Moderator
Joined: Jan 31 2005
Location: Arizona
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 11400
|
| Posted: Dec 21 2011 at 8:33pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I've read your post (only) and have just a few minutes. My dd is 19 and we were just talking about how tough the early teen years were for her/us! As the oldest, she was the first to move us into a more mature family phase...one that isn't as self-contained as when all the children are little. Combine this with physical changes and...well...it isn't easy.
See if you can help her to grow into her new skin by treating her in more young adult ways. Brainstorming:
watch more mature movies together (just the 2 of you)
tell her stories about yourself at that age (and not just the perfect ones! talk about your own struggles then)
make sure she has private space (even if it needs to be a small space)
help her decorate her room or space with an older girl update
delegate some of her little kid chores down to the little kids, giving her older responsibilities
help her become expert in a skill, talent, or interest
Ahhhh...gotta run! Before I go I just want to reassure you that you are a great mom with a great daughter and the 2 of you are headed into challenging times that are SO WORTH EVERY EFFORT you make to be a support, encouragement, and usher into the her adult life .
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
About Me
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
all for God
Forum Rookie
Joined: Aug 01 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 75
|
| Posted: Dec 22 2011 at 11:21am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Thank you Angie for all your lovely ideas, I have tried all of them in the past. We had some fun times!
I must say that the more I think about the situation as it is now and as it was in the past the more I think she is having problems with our family situation.
My health has been a struggle, and a few years ago we moved into a house which has been one problem after another. The house problems have created a strain on our $$ situation. So things have been slowly getting harder for us.  I think she's feeling the frustration as much as my dh and I are. We all need a emotional break!!
Well, my lunch break is over!
Thank you again everyone!!
Please pray for us! Pray that this upcoming surgery will be the beginning of the end to our problem!
God Bless!
__________________
Jon+Jen=15 happy yrs
6 bubbly girls + 3 lively boys =9 sillykids(ages 14 to 1)
+3 in Our Lady's care
all=
Catholic Inspired ~Arts, crafts & more
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Angie Mc
Board Moderator
Joined: Jan 31 2005
Location: Arizona
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 11400
|
| Posted: Dec 22 2011 at 11:38am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Yes, young people at this age are barometers to our moods and difficulties - all a part of becoming an adult. We, too, faced crazy challenges during these years with my dd. It is critically important to find...somehow find...ways to keep them on the radar and meet their needs. They are only 13 once!
Best wishes to you and many prayers for a successful surgery .
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
About Me
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Oldest having problems...
