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Chris V
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| Posted: March 25 2011 at 9:27am | IP Logged
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Indulge me, I'm just curious what others do, with children of similar temperament. My children do not shake hands with the other parishioners during the Sign of Peace while in Mass. This makes them very uncomfortable (they are 6, 4, and almost 2), and I've never once considered *making* them do it. That, I know, is something that they will begin to do on their own, when they are ready.
However, yesterday I was at Mass with my children and a dear friend of mine and she brought along her youngest, who is almost 5 yo. Of course, just as I knew would happen, my children freeze up during the Sign of Peace, and keep their hands tucked close to their chests, a clear, unmistakable sign that they do not want anyone touching them. ... my 6 yo even did it to my dear friend (and she's known her all her life). I must say, I was just a *wee* bit embarrased and at that moment found myself reassuring MY FRIEND that my daughter is just not ready for it, and not to be offended (of course I did this in a whisper so my daughter wouldn't hear me). Why does this bother me? Why do I care what other people think about whether or not my children shake their hand? There are times when the adults around us in Mass give a strange look, a nod of disapproval ... I always tell myself it is because they've been made to feel uncomfortable because it's as though they are being rejected by my children.
Do you children always shake hands with others? Does it bother you if they don't?
... I'm just curious. I don't ever intend to make them do it. It's one of those things that they'll eventually be ok with, because they see us modeling it during Mass. Just wondering about other people.
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: March 25 2011 at 11:13am | IP Logged
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It is my understanding that the GIRM states that the Sign of Peace is only, "given to those nearby and in a dignified manner."
It seems to me that there are different ways to be dignified and age appropriate. For example, at a daily mass that is sparse, I simply turn and smile and mouth from a distance, "Peace be with you." Perhaps there is a way that shy/sensitive young children can offer peace in a way that is more comfortable. Holding hands in a prayerful position and nodding (to help ease the stress of eye contact) might work. A child could practice different courtesies at home.
Having said that, I mainly put the responsibility of being sensitive to childrens' needs on...adults  . I never assume to take a child's hand and often simply smile at them and say "Peace be with you, dear", if they don't offer their hand. I see it as undignified to force another to shake my hand, regardless of their age.
My 5yo does shake hands because he is outgoing, he sees his older brothers doing it, and he tends to know the people near us. Plus, we have a *large* elderly population who crave affection so we talk to him about showing extra kindness to greatgrandmas and greatgrandpas. But my 1st child, a super sensitive dd, did not shake hands on her own until she was much older. Like you, we let her choose and I have no memory of when she did, but she's 19 now and is fine with it  .
God bless your little sweeties, Chris. I'm sure that they are such a blessing to those around them at church as shown by their tender little hearts...and that of their mama  .
Love,
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: March 25 2011 at 12:12pm | IP Logged
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I have a crowd of extroverts here, I usually have to slow them down and refocus them back to what we're supposed to be doing which is not shake hands with every person on our side of the church
But I do notice that most people do just as Angie does which is wait on the child to initiate to hand shake, and those not used to my children are often "surprised" that my little ones offer their hands.
So knowing that, I wouldn't think your children not offering their hands is unusual at all.
And while I completely agree not to force children if they're not comfortable with it. Sometimes part of the discomfort is not really learning or using a hand shake at any other time as well.
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Lacy
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| Posted: March 25 2011 at 2:23pm | IP Logged
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My 5 year old won't, but I don't sweat it! Seriously there's no use in being embarrassed by your children because it's unavoidable. If you're a mother, people are judging you, and you can never please everyone. So, whatever! I also don't expect children to shake my hand, and most of the smaller ones won't.
I know how you feel because my children also don't like to hug other people, and every time my niece comes over she just keeps trying to hug them over and over. Everyone acts like my kids are freaks, like they're unfriendly, but I think other people need to teach their kids to respect other people's personal space and preferences.
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*Lindsey*
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| Posted: March 25 2011 at 2:51pm | IP Logged
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Mine all do the same thing, Chris. They will shake hands with other family members (aunts, uncles, etc). Well, the 2 oldest always do, it's a toss-up as to the others!
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ekbell
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| Posted: March 25 2011 at 5:02pm | IP Logged
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My children have tended to start handshaking around four or five and at first it tends to be only family members.
About the only thing I've done that might be considered encouragement to shake hands is giving an explanation of why we do it during our periodic studies of the Mass (we tend to go over the Mass during our family religion studies every other year or so).
BTW I agree that it may be useful to give your children an option such as bowing their head slightly, I personally do this when I have my arms full of a shy child (or when I have a nasty cold)and it's normally well received.
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krygerzoo
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| Posted: March 25 2011 at 5:10pm | IP Logged
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I wouldn't make mine, either. But my toddlers love getting in on the "action" of shaking hands!
I'm working on "eye contact" with a couple of children. They are getting to the age where they rush through and it becomes meaningless.
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leanne maree
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| Posted: March 28 2011 at 6:50am | IP Logged
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I must have an extrovert as well.
my dd shakes hands and would shake everyones hands if let.
she is not being irreverant, just inclusive.
I certainly would not be too concerned with you little sweeties though.
They will be ready when its right.
I agree, I would probably explain the reasoning behind it and practice it in the home.
Bless you chris
Leanne
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atara
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| Posted: March 28 2011 at 7:39am | IP Logged
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Perhaps do a "practice" Sign of Peace at home? I don't think they should be made to shake hands, but perhaps working on eye contact and smiling?
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CatholicMommy
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| Posted: March 28 2011 at 12:04pm | IP Logged
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With my son it is hit and miss - sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't - and it doesn't seem to matter if he knows the people around us or not. The less I make an issue of it, the more comfortable he is.
It is *SO* hard not to care what others are thinking though!
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atara
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| Posted: March 28 2011 at 12:08pm | IP Logged
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CatholicMommy wrote:
It is *SO* hard not to care what others are thinking though! |
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My mind does this too. This is when I do two things:
*pray to St. Monica to guide me
*remind myself that the snarky looks (if you are getting them or think you are because your sensitive - like me!) are usually coming from people who have not had toddlers/young children for a very, long time. It's easy to forget what it's like. And they also forget that children learn some behaviors over time, it takes more than once.
Peace to you! You are in obedience to God bringing them to Mass and honoring the promises you made at Baptism. NO ONE could find fault in that!
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4Real Forums : Domestic Church
Topic: The Sign of Peace
