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Kathryn
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| Posted: Feb 17 2011 at 3:26pm | IP Logged
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I guess the subject title says it all.
How do you handle things when you and your spouse disagree?
How do you find a compromise when you have a different opinion that seems to be polar opposite sometimes?
How do you handle one parent being too strict and the other being too lenient?
How much discipline do you give out vs. your spouse?
Thanks in advance,
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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Erica Sanchez
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| Posted: Feb 18 2011 at 12:10am | IP Logged
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If we could get your last two questions worked out, we'd have a perfect marriage! :)
I just told a young couple with two small children that if they could get on the same page regarding discipline, they would do very well.
I really don't have any advice, Kathryn. We've been married almost as long as you and we still don't have it figured out. We are working on it though, pretty intensely these past few months actually, and I hope to come back to this topic soon with a few good ideas.
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Have a beautiful and fun day!
Erica in San Diego
(dh)Cash, Emily, Grace, Nicholas, Isabella, Annie, Luke, Max, Peter, 2 little souls ++, and sweet Rose who is legally ours!
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Feb 18 2011 at 12:31am | IP Logged
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I would say that differences aren't as important as working together. By that I mean.. if I said that a child could not go to _______. My dh would back me up on that even if he disagreed.. so that there would be none of the.. "go and ask the other parent if the first one says no" nonsense.
But it's really about listening.. listening to the concerns of each other.. not just fighting for your viewpoint.. listen and work hard at understanding where the other is coming from. Then ask them to do the same for you.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Chris V
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| Posted: Feb 18 2011 at 5:23pm | IP Logged
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JodieLyn wrote:
| But it's really about listening.. listening to the concerns of each other.. not just fighting for your viewpoint.. listen and work hard at understanding where the other is coming from. Then ask them to do the same for you. |
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This is really quite excellent advice, Jodie!
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Chris
Happy Wife with my Happy Life
Mama to My Five Girls ('04~'07~'09~'11~'11) 
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stellamaris
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| Posted: Feb 18 2011 at 6:18pm | IP Logged
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Over many years of parenting, my dh and I have had lots of occasions to disagree  ...and to learn how to resolve those disagreements.  I do not know if my experiences will be helpful for you, but this is what I have learned:
1. Each parent has their own special relationship with each child. It is OK if your dh’s “style” is different from yours. I know this seems pretty obvious, but often we women want to be affirmed so much we think our dh’s have to do things the SAME way we do them and that’s just not necessary. Nor, really, is it possible. Allow your dh to have his own way of relating to the children. God intended men and women to be different and it’s a GOOD thing…not a BAD thing!
2. Respect your spouse in front of the children and ask him to do the same for you. I completely agree with the comment by Jodie above about not correcting or disagreeing when the children are within earshot. You do not want them to think they can play you off against one another. Express your concerns when the two of you are alone. In our home, if a child asks one parent and is told, “No,” and then tries the other parent, they are grounded immediately. We have learned to ask, “Have you spoken to your mother (or father) about this already?”
3. Do not be anxious to “resolve” differences quickly. Patience is necessary for a marriage. People can change and grow over time, but rarely does this happen overnight. Keep on working with each other in areas where you have conflicts.
4. Usually, women think their husbands are too harsh or strict. Unless your dh is excessively strict, a little fair sternness can be a good thing. It can help a child develop a bit of fortitude, learn respect for authority, and it can impress upon them that actions have consequences. You will be more and more grateful for your husband’s strength and forcefulness when your children are in their teen and early adult years.
5. Jodie’s excellent advice of listening to one another with respect is truly key.  Be fair to your dh by communicating to him honestly and without attacking him. If emotions become heated, agree to table the discussion and take it up later. When you listen, give your complete attention to what he is saying; don’t spend the time he is talking thinking up a reply, taking apart his argument, or silently criticizing him to yourself. LISTEN and try to see his side. Ask him to do the same for you.
6. Pray the rosary together for any particular child who is causing division between you. 
My mother (who has now been married 62 years) always told me to remember two things about marriage in general which I have found over 30 years of marriage myself to be very true and excellent advice:
1. Your children will grow up and go away. Your spouse will be with you for a lifetime. Build your relationship with your spouse and don’t allow conflicts over the children to damage it seriously. The best gift parents can give their children is the example of a solid and wholesome marriage.
2. Marriage is like being in a boat together., it is more than just two people.—it is two people AND THE BOAT THAT CARRIES THEM. Marriage is the boat-- a separate entity sort of outside and above you….even when times are tough, always keep focusing on building the marriage relationship, strengthening that boat! Your marriage is the way in which you will come to holiness together. God has given you special graces in the Sacrament of Matrimony to enable you to fulfill your marriage vows. It’s OK to sometimes say to one another, “Wow, being in this boat (marriage) with you right now is not so great!” But then, you need to add, “How can we make it better? How can the two of us work together to make a great marriage? How can we best raise our children TOGETHER?” Suddenly, you are not fighting one another, you are a team.
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Caroline
Wife to dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
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Kathryn
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| Posted: Feb 18 2011 at 7:20pm | IP Logged
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stellamaris wrote:
It’s OK to sometimes say to one another, “Wow, being in this boat (marriage) with you right now is not so great!”
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And I can't follow that up with "and I want to throw you over board right now!" ?!?!  Ok, ok, I promise not to!!
here's baby so only one hand now to type, will reply later
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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stellamaris
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Humor helps!
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In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
Flowing Streams
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Kathryn
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| Posted: Feb 18 2011 at 8:31pm | IP Logged
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Well, then I figured the boat would tip and I'd go overboard too!
Seriously, we are def. NOT communicating very well right now about this and/or working together. Honestly, he prob. doesn't think there's a problem (concern, issue) but I am growing increasingly frustrated. I know some saw the post last week about my increasing anxiety and again, may be this all plays together. May be w/ the baby I'm just tired and everything seems to take more effort right now including discussing my frustrations.
Ok...baby needs tending to again! 
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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Topic: How do you handle parenting differences?
