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Syncletica
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| Posted: Oct 25 2010 at 4:16pm | IP Logged
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What do you do when you find things out of control? Or when you can hardly think of what to do regarding unpleasant sibling situations? A situation arises and you just let it roll off because nothing else comes to your mind. Anyone else having the same difficulties?  How do you reorganize yourself so that there is some order?
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Oct 25 2010 at 4:42pm | IP Logged
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My example makes a huge difference.
I turn off any extra "noise generators" even good music playing softly can mean everyone talks that little bit louder.
I need to get up with them or before them.
I need to sometimes honestly determine if they are really making too much noise (we do have lots of people in a small house) or if I am just being extra sensitive and need to give myself a time out somewhere quiet (consider sitting in the vehicle in the driveway if nothing else).
Get everyone outside and moving (exercise of some sort).
And then pick one thing.. yelling maybe.. and pick a consequence and start catching them and giving the consequence when they yell.. every time. And try and catch them when they could have yelled and didn't and praise their restraint.
you can often make more headway by tackling each thing one at a time.. it's less overwhelming for you and it's easier for them when it's not "everything I do gets me in trouble"
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Syncletica
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| Posted: Oct 25 2010 at 4:58pm | IP Logged
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Thank you for those very good reminders, Jodie. It really helps to be reminded.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Oct 25 2010 at 5:05pm | IP Logged
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oh and one more thing.. when my dh is gone for work.. I have to be really strict on bedtime.. because I NEED that time to de-stress.. and if I'm not strict with bedtime then I end up staying up too late to get that time and then I don't get enough sleep and THAT can make things worse as well. 
And sometimes even being strict with bedtime isn't enough.. so I'll stay up late a couple of nights and then go to bed as soon as they kids are settled the next night to catch up on my sleep. 
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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Servant2theKing
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| Posted: Oct 25 2010 at 5:33pm | IP Logged
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We're having a noisier week here as well....dd just reminded me such times often seem to occur during, and even following, a full moon.
Sometimes we simply ride it out, but often I've declared "monastic silence"...an established period of time when silence is the rule of our household. It is amazing how quiet everyone can be, given the motivation, and how much more peaceful the household becomes! Preceding monastic silence with brief discussion and prayertime, especially with candles lit, seems to make everything more positive and conducive to fruitful results! Incorporating teatime into such times can make them more positive. I've sometimes rung a bell, as a reminder, at the beginning and end of monastic silence periods (dc respond well to tangible actions that are tied to such activities).
We tend to back off on electronic media when noise levels become unbearable and turn to read-alouds, quiet music, and board or card games as a family. This can also be amazingly peaceful if done by candlelight or by kerosene lamp...pretend you have a power outage! Our dc often comment on how quiet and pleasant power outages always seem to be.
The other day, when dd was on the phone with me, her dh was playing a very peaceful melody on the piano...I told her the sound of someone playing an instrument in the home automatically seems to evoke harmony and hearken back to quieter, more peaceful eras in family life!
Outdoor time for running off steam is very helpful! Meaningful, physical chores, especially for boys...chopping or hauling wood, raking leaves, shoveling snow, building something (anything)!
BTW, I'm menopausal, so dc know that being more quiet is not only desirable, but practically essential when my nerves are particularly frazzled. A priest once told me in confession that I ought to ask dc children for help when I'm struggling with my nerves, so I remind them of that when things are getting out of kilter, letting them know that they can make things more positive for everyone by doing their part toward creating peace and harmony.
Praying fervently for peace to be restored in your home and family!
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Erin
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| Posted: Oct 25 2010 at 7:22pm | IP Logged
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JodieLyn wrote:
And then pick one thing.. yelling maybe.. and pick a consequence and start catching them and giving the consequence when they yell.. every time. And try and catch them when they could have yelled and didn't and praise their restraint.
you can often make more headway by tackling each thing one at a time.. it's less overwhelming for you and it's easier for them when it's not "everything I do gets me in trouble"
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Jodie gives lots of good advice. I have to confess one thing at a time is important, I however, tend to try to fix it all at once, when I have 'hit my wall' and it is never as good as 'one at a time'.
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Syncletica
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| Posted: Oct 25 2010 at 10:07pm | IP Logged
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Thanks, ladies!
Servant - what exactly do you do when you declare 'monastic silence'? We are supposed to have quiet time everyday, but somehow they always end up making noise. My homeschool facilitator called one day during quiet time, and they up and put out some full blown screaming and yelling. She said, "Oh, I see this isn't a good time to call." I said that it was - at least it was supposed to be, because it's quiet time. Quiet time used to be just that - quiet. But my 4th whom I still don't have a handle on, has somehow been able to change things. He throws out these ear piercing screams and tantrums like nothing I've ever seen (before him). Today he did that again and he got 2 loads of laundry to fold, no treats/dessert, early bedtime and 2 extra chores before he finally stopped. It's really been a struggle to get him to willingly obey, and consequently the younger ones seem to follow suit.
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Servant2theKing
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| Posted: Oct 26 2010 at 10:34am | IP Logged
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Most often we observe monastic silence with each person in their own designated spot. "Divide and conquer" has been especially helpful if anyone in the family is disruptive or less cooperative...placing each child in a different areas of a room, or even different areas of the house...having the child who might be struggling to cooperate most right beside me, wherever I am working, helps immensely. There can be a definite domino effect if just one child (or parent) is screaming and nothing is done to break the cycle. I do have to monitor and make sure everyone is where they should be, and make sure that my role is one of calm, patient overseer. Years ago, when I suffered more severe migraines, we had to have quiet time in our master br. I would have each child sitting or lying in various corners of the room or on the bed beside me....as long as they were silent they were allowed to read or play with a quiet toy.
Having a sense of Godly, loving, authority, makes all the difference in the world in disciplining dc. When we have confidence in our parenting, and do not allow our dc to see us as uncertain or weak, but at the same time full of loving concern for their souls, they have a greater sense of security, knowing that in obeying their parents they are also loving and obeying the Lord. Our loving, confident demeanor can reveal to our children how loving, merciful and just God is.
We used to employ "monastic discipline"....simply having them lie face down on the floor, for a designated period of time. We used this after watching "The Nun's Story", so they understood that it was a monastic practice for those who had not followed the rule of the order. Without fail, each child that had to undergo monastic discipline came away with a calmer, more cooperative demeanor. It was not a frequent discipline, but used mainly when a child was particularly disruptive. Now that those dc still living at home are all teens that form of discipline is no longer necessary. I think someone on this board shared concern that such discipline might humiliate the child....that has not been our experience, since it was never used in a negative or demeaning manner. Certainly, discernment as to what would work with your own children is crucial for any form of discipline to be effective.
In our household, some of our dc don't respond as well to punitive discipline (some have ADHD)...they tend to do much better when privileges are pegged to proper behavior...privileges occur when proper behavior and responsibilities are fulfilled. I often have to be insightful as to the possible causes of negative behavior, then use creative solutions...fitting appropriate discipline to the current circumstance. I try to observe what changes have occurred in the household...whether diet (especially sugar intake)could be a contributing factor...making sure prescribed medications are taken faithfully...noting weather, humidity and the cycles of the moon, which seem to be major factors for us...making sure dc have established lesson plans and proper materials available and in order....paying attention to whether we are straying too much from our normal routine or spending too much time away from home....all of these factors can make or break our family's sense of peace and order. If there are any factors that I can assist with or alter, I have to discipline myself to be diligent in those areas. Years ago, a priest explained that the word discipline comes from disciple, which means to teach. I try as much as possible to consider what my response to their behavior will teach dc on a longterm basis.
In the past, I've been guilty of over-disciplining dc, out of my own wounded pride, especially when others observed (or even worse, commented on) inappropriate behavior (which can occur quite often when you have several family members struggling with ADHD and you are their main coach). Thankfully, the Lord has patiently, ever so gradually, helped me recognize that forming the souls and characters of my children is so much more important than the opinion of others. When all is said and done our main purpose is to help their souls reach Heaven and to be able to give a holy account for the souls entrusted to our care when we ourselves stand before the Lord oneday! I pray always that I can be as merciful and patient toward my dc as the Lord has been with me....but it is a constant struggle, especially when menopausal anxiety kicks in! All in all, we do our very best, by the grace of Almighty God, and our Merciful Lord fills in whatever gaps there may be, due to our own human weakness.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Starting Over Parenting?
