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dolorsofmary
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| Posted: Aug 06 2010 at 5:38am | IP Logged
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last night my 5 yr old said to me 'I don't like being bossed around all day'
He is an only child. Sigh, I wish I had more but we are a much much older couple.
Anyway Catholic Treasure box introduced the phrase 'right away obedience' to me and I use it a lot. Love and Logic introduced to me giving my son little silly choices to give him a sense of control like standing before an elevator I say to him - do you want to push the button or do you want me to push the button?
And effective parenting - Turansky - introduced to me teaching honor - we do what we are told and we do more than what we are told - that's honor.
So we use a combination of all three but by in large we use 'right away obedience' or we might say 'you have a choice - do this right away or sit on the step'.
After my son's clarification I thought hmmmm.... maybe I should tweak that? Maybe I DO boss him around too much.
Your thoughts please. All in all he is a great kid. Turansky's stuff is all about getting at the heart rather than blind obedience but at times they recommend having long talks with your children but my son is a REAL CHATTERBOX and Turansky recognizes that perhaps having long talks with chatterboxes are not the best road of attack. Love and logic says - less is more. Of course there is Popchak too which I used when my son was younger. And I am doing self-donative love all day long or at least that is my gut feel. We still do the family bed! And I am always with him and have him doing things with me, etc. Love and logic though cautions against becoming a doormat because then you can teach your kids to be doormats too and them be angry inside. I think the important thing is at this age is to see the difference between a need and a want. I meet his needs immediately but his wants are a different matter. Your thoughts please. Thank you!
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Aug 06 2010 at 6:37am | IP Logged
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I think it's great that you are really listening to your son's words and working so hard to be a good parent.
I do think that some choices really belong to the parents and can't be delegated to the child. Strong-willed children really like to make their own choices, but things related to health and safety do require prompt obedience.
Perhaps, too, your son is in a developmental stage where he over-interprets your instructions as "bossiness" because that's an expression he's heard elsewhere. "Don't boss me" is a sentence often heard at a playground occupied by children ages 4-7 or so.
(In other words, it's probably unnecessary to change what you're doing, based on what your son said. It's always good to spend time now and then doing a self-evaluation, but you don't have to do so every time your son complains.)
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Aug 06 2010 at 9:23am | IP Logged
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dolorsofmary wrote:
last night my 5 yr old said to me 'I don't like being bossed around all day'
...Maybe I DO boss him around too much. |
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If a 5yo (either my own or a friend or students I have worked with) said that to me I would reply, "That's my job." I would match my words with a big smile and laugh, or a very serious stare down, depending on the need.
Delorsofmary, I encourage you to find "your voice" and stick with it. Find your confidence and show it. Choose 1 or 2 principles to follow, simplify your decision-making, and get rid of the hodge-podge of parenting advice that was fine to become informed about the broad picture of parenting, but can bog parents down at the individual level.
If you are confused about how you are spending your time as a mother, keep a checklist for a few days. Use a timer to capture how often you are activitly involved with your child, passively involved with your child, and involved in your other work. Keep track of whatever else you think may help...your directives, giving in, worry, etc. From there you will have a better picture of if you have to make any parenting changes or not.
One more thought on being a bully and/or doormat. Often they are the flip side of the same coin. "Doormats" can act like vitcims, inflict guilt on others, and act confused and hurt in one sitatuion...and if/when that doesn't work to achieve their desired results, they can flip into being "bullies" by becoming demanding, pushy and hyper engaged in a situation. Most parents have moments of each extreme...but we don't want to live there! We simply want to become responsible parents.
Responsible parents aren't perfect, but have realistic expectations and are humble and brave in the face of their inexperience. They strive to be kind, respectful, and look to preserve the dignity of self and others. They are firm when needed and not afraid to take some heat for their convictions. They can ask for help when they need it, make their mistakes right, and try again with confidence and cheer.
Praying you have a great day today!
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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dolorsofmary
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| Posted: Aug 06 2010 at 1:03pm | IP Logged
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thank you both so much!
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Zeliemum
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| Posted: May 09 2011 at 5:48pm | IP Logged
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Love your post Angie...it gives great clarity!
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Mother to seven with five in heaven...Spiritualmotherhood for Priests
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: teaching right away obedience
