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Angie Mc
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| Posted: June 11 2010 at 10:04am | IP Logged
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Recently I had a lengthy conversation with a new neighbor. This was the second lengthy conversation we've had. I want to be welcoming and yet I realized afterward that I had dropped the ball of one of my duties. I was torn between being kind to others and flexible with my routine *and* getting my duties accomplished.
I have had several of these encounters (some of which are less conversation and more listening on my part) this past week...a little odd to have several people wanting to talk with me IRL in an extended way. In the past I was pretty quick to give subtle hints that I was done talking and most people took the hint. I was also pretty quick to say, if needed, "It's been great talking with you. I need to get back to (my dh, my children, my work, my appointment) but look forward to talking again sometime." But now...I worry that during this difficult time culturally (people losing their homes, not finding work, physical problems, etc.) that more and more people are struggling and therefor want/need more encouragement and...friendliness. It is such a grim time that perhaps being pleasant is one of the best ways I can show my love of neighbor.
On the other hand...I also know that I need to fulfill my responsibilities as wife and mother in a BIG way each day right now. I can't do *that* as well if I'm losing a half hour here and a half hour or more there in conversation with others. I also wonder if after a certain length of time in conversation, I'm not contributing to a good outcome, but rather, I'm just part of a distraction from their life.
Do you have any any limits to help with these situations? Do you break away from the little old grandma who just lost her husband and wants to talk to you about it...even though you don't know her? How do you know if/when God wants you to listen?
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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SallyT
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| Posted: June 11 2010 at 10:50am | IP Logged
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I think, generally, that if God sends someone to talk, then He probably means for me to listen. I always think of those legends about the person who prepares his/her home for Jesus to visit, and then all these other people drop in. The householder is disappointed at the end of the day that Jesus hasn't come, and now all the food is eaten up. In the midst of the disappointment, Jesus speaks to the person, to the effect that He was there in the guise of all those other visitors.
At the same time, I think we can all acknowledge that there's a line between the whole "entertaining angels unawares" thing, and having someone else's need become an intrusion on things we really need to to. Another way to think of it is that sometimes other people have needs which we really can't meet, but we're the most readily available person, so we're who they turn to. In that case, as you already know, it's appropriate to set some kind of boundary.
Maybe you can say, "I really enjoy talking to you. I've got to go do X right now, but maybe you'd like to come over around (whatever) o'clock for some tea?"
If you can manage the time when you are available to that person, that could help cut down on every interaction's turning into a therapy session. When my husband was a Methodist minister, long ago, a mentally-ill woman in the church used to call us multiple times a day, to say that her feet itched and things like that. I was the one at home the most, and we didn't have an answering machine, so I ended up talking to her a LOT. Eventually together my husband and I decided that if we gave it all a listen once a day, the rest of the time we could either not answer the phone, or could cut the conversation short by saying, truthfully, that we didn't have time to talk just then. The reality was, we came to understand, that if we both talked to her 24 hours a day, she would STILL need to talk. No matter how long we listened to her, she would still need more; it was never enough. So in a sense, it didn't matter whether we gave her 24 hours or 10 minutes. For our own sanity, we opted for the 10 minutes.
I also send my kids to check in on the little old lady down the street, for example. Just today my 6-year-old picked her some flowers, and later on I'm going to send the three kids who are home down to take them to her, with some drawings or something. As it happens, she really isn't one of those need-to-talk neighbors, but you can do these things pre-emptively, too. A quick visit from some children really brightens the day of a lonely person, possibly derailing their need to be listened to before it develops (at least for that moment!). And it's the kind of thing you can arrange on your time.
At the same time, even if you're maybe neglecting a duty to your children while listening to a needy neighbor, that is setting a powerful example of generosity with your time. We have at various stages been very caught up with neighbors who were desperately needy in one way or another -- maybe more caught up than we should have been. But our children, who became part of those scenarios, benefited, I think, more than otherwise, from our erring on the side of hospitality. I see them, my olders especially, replicating that behavior with their friends -- not to the extent that it's impinging on things they need to do (in which case we'd have to have some lessons in limit-setting, too), but to an extent which does kind of warm my heart! I think about what you were saying, in another context, about arranging schooling around the importance of friendships, and maybe this is another manifestation of that?
I dunno. I do understand the need to pull away to get things done, and the reality that some people have more needs than you can humanly meet. Just some food for thought, anyway . . .
Sally
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Servant2theKing
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| Posted: June 11 2010 at 1:24pm | IP Logged
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Perhaps you could whisper a prayer to the Holy Spirit whenever you encounter a soul who seeks you out as a listening ear, asking for discernment as to whether you should be focusing on your duties to your family or to the needs of the other person. One rule of thumb that has always helped me in discerning similar matters is asking myself, "Which of these situations has most obviously come to me through the hands of God?"...my husband and children always take precedence according to that criteria. If my familiy's needs are being met, and I have the wherewithal (including the emotional ability) to do so, then I can respond to the needs of another. If someone else's need for a listening ear drains me of the ability to give to my own family, then I am actually neglecting my primary duty before Almighty God.
One idea that might help...sending a note, an email, or a homemade treat to a hurting soul, such as a lonely widow, might be a better alternative if your own family's needs prevent you from offering extended listening times. Or perhaps one of your older children wouldn't mind dropping something off in your stead and be willing to be a listening ear. Don't forget, our prayers for hurting souls can often do even greater good than listening. Praying for wisdom and discernment in the situations you are facing. God bless you for caring.
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: June 11 2010 at 9:37pm | IP Logged
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Thank you, ladies. Thinking back, I can see that I have cycled through different times, over the years, of being more or less available to others. I must be leaving a time of less availability and entering a time of more availability (God given). Combine this with the difficulties of the time for so many, it makes sense that I would have more encounters of this type.
Being aware of this season, is the first step. Thinking about the different scenarios I've faced, I want to be prepared for similar encounters. I'm definitely going to take Servant's advice and say a quick prayer to the Holy Spirit to ask for direction. Like Sally emphasised, I will assume that God has placed this person in my path for a reason and will feel free choose hospitality, until proven other wise. I'm going to listen to my thoughts...are they focused or wandering? Once I begin to wander, I should take it as a sign that I'm actually not listening and may need to stop there, kindly. I think it is important that I am responsible in the moment...that I don't feel a victim or enable another to take advantage. Hopefully, having thought this through, I won't feel as suprised the next time!
Is anyone else experiencing an increase in relative strangers, neighbors, and acquiantances wanting to chat? Just curious  .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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guitarnan
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| Posted: June 11 2010 at 9:43pm | IP Logged
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I've been thinking about this all day, Angie, because this is an issue I really struggle with. I have friends all over the planet (really) and some of them are in very difficult circumstances right now. When an email arrives late at night, I tend to think - hey, kids are in bed, I can answer this - but things tend to get out of control once these late-night discussions begin. Next day, I am tired and cranky and, since I'm the family "mood ring," so is everyone else. School suffers, at a minimum.
For me the problem is twofold - these friends are far away, so my only choices are email and telephone. I can't drop by on my schedule. I can, of course, try to control my response times, but in the end, time used up is time used up.
The second issue for me is that so many people pop up in my life who need people to talk to that I start to wonder, "Why me?" even as I try to respond in positive ways. I'm serious...I've been the recipient of some very uncomfortable-to-hear stories (Vietnam tales, marital issues...), sometimes from near-strangers, and it's hard to tell what the most caring, Christian, yet sane response should be.
I'm good with the idea that God puts me into people's lives for a purpose, but things can get really out of hand sometimes.
I like Sally's analysis of the ten-minute limit - I've known people like that, too, who are just uber-needy and there is nothing you can do to help them, really, so you just need to help yourself set limits.
The hard part is figuring out how to balance things when you know for sure you're called to help, but still need to put God and family first.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Paula in MN
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| Posted: June 12 2010 at 7:59am | IP Logged
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guitarnan
The second issue for me is that so many people pop up in my life who need people to talk to that I start to wonder, Why me? even as I try to respond in positive ways. I'm serious...I've been the recipient of some very uncomfortable-to-hear stories (Vietnam tales, marital issues...), sometimes from near-strangers, and it's hard to tell what the most caring, Christian, yet sane response should be.
The hard part is figuring out how to balance things when you know for sure you're called to help, but still need to put God and family first.[/QUOTE wrote:
Personally, I think you do a GREAT job! |
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Personally, I think you do a GREAT job!
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 Paula
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: when to listen? return to duties? kindly?
