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mom2mpr
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| Posted: May 19 2010 at 4:40pm | IP Logged
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We live in a field.
Most of it is owned by us.
There is no privacy 
The neighbor girls have been visiting unannounced to play.
First time, the older one, 5 years, came over and decided to play with my dd, who is 7. I called over to make sure the parents knew she was here. Dad said, "I sent her. Is that OK?" We had company at the time. I was nice and figured it might  be a one time thing. I was a little surprised at the fact she came with company--even the company thought it weird.
Now it seems most of the times we are in the yard they come over to play--alone--no contact from the parents. The younger one is 2 1/2!!
Today they came and older needed to go to the bathroom. I tried to send her home as I didn't want her to come in the house. The dog was getting all riled up.
Then I noticed 2 year old with smelly pants. They were balking at the fact I was sending them home to use the bathroom. I told the girls if they didn't listen I would not allow them to come over again.
My dog is injured so not on her electric fence. We also have an above ground pool that will be opening soon. So when the dog is healed from her surgery, she will be loose and not always attended. She does have a habit of running at things-in an aggressive way.
Just wondering if this is how things work now? I was always made to call before going over to play. It worked that way in my VA neighborhood. I feel responsible for the 2 1/2 year old. I am worried about the pool issues that may be coming up.
I need a pep talk to call this mom to ask her to call first. I just cannot believe she can do this.
Thanks
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 19 2010 at 4:48pm | IP Logged
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Definately call and let her know that she needs to find out if you're available before sending over the kids.
We don't call here.. but the kids go and ASK if they can play not just show up and expect to stay.. and none of the moms feels too bad about saying.. not now and sending the kids on their way. These are all about 5 yrs and up for age though.
Oh and it's also typical that even if they're playing in a group in the yards.. that the moms will send kids to their own homes for the bathrooms.. rather than someone having 10+ kids tromping in and out 
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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guitarnan
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| Posted: May 19 2010 at 4:51pm | IP Logged
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I think you should talk with the mom and explain about the dog and the pool, and firmly state that under no circumstances can the girls come over unannounced for those reasons.
When I was a little girl (decades ago), we used to ring the neighbor kids' doorbell and ASK if the children could come out to play. We knew that "no" was a possible answer.
Everywhere we've lived since having children, parents have either set up play dates or dropped by the community playground with their kids to see who was playing outdoors at that time.
In the interests of safety and legal liability, you *must* set firm ground rules and insist that the neighbors follow them. If the girls turn up, perhaps you could walk them home right away and tell the parents why you are doing so, restating your "call ahead" rule.
It seems to me that the girls are asking their parents if they can play at your house and the parents are presuming on your good nature and letting them go, rather than setting appropriate boundaries for their family.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: May 19 2010 at 6:06pm | IP Logged
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guitarnan wrote:
| In the interests of safety and legal liability, you *must* set firm ground rules and insist that the neighbors follow them. If the girls turn up, perhaps you could walk them home right away and tell the parents why you are doing so, restating your "call ahead" rule. |
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Absolutely. A child on your property is your responsibility. Period. You can say something like, "We sure do enjoy having your children's company. They are precious. Because I care about them, I want to be sure that they are safe when they are on my property, and that can only happen if I'm able to watch them. I'll gladly watch them when I can, when I have time away from my work. I know we want the same thing for all our children, safety and companionship, so I'm sure we can work somthing out that will work for all of us."
(In my neighborhood, if the children are outside, they go out and play and parents/granparents informally rotate watching. If no one is out, they knock on the door and ask to play. No is a common reply - no hurt feelings at all.)
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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ekbell
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| Posted: May 19 2010 at 6:20pm | IP Logged
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It would also be a good idea if at all possible to secure the yard area so that the children *can't* come in by themselves, simply to avoid an accident happening before you know that they are there.
We have children come over without calling ahead but they always ask if my children can play and I've always shooed them out if it's a bad time.
They also don't come into the house, it's not appropriate without clearing in with their parents.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 19 2010 at 6:29pm | IP Logged
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I was thinking along the lines of Ekbell... if the girls are used to coming over and just starting into playing without asking permission.. if you're gone.. they might do the same.. with their parents never knowing you weren't there.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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Teachin'Mine2
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| Posted: May 19 2010 at 6:52pm | IP Logged
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It sounds to me like they think they've found a free babysitter.  Definitely set up ground rules before it's a habit.
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mom of one 13yo dd
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Paula in MN
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| Posted: May 19 2010 at 7:06pm | IP Logged
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Not uncharitable, but you need to set some ground rules.
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 Paula
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Sarah
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Just supporting what the others have said. Absolutely not rude to send them right back. I wouldn't even hestitate. You don't even have to be overly nice since this is a safety issue. Be firm. They are definitely acting like they are entitled to your land.
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: May 19 2010 at 8:57pm | IP Logged
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Sarah wrote:
| Just supporting what the others have said. Absolutely not rude to send them right back. I wouldn't even hestitate. You don't even have to be overly nice since this is a safety issue. Be firm. They are definitely acting like they are entitled to your land. |
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Thanks everyone.
Just as I thought.
We own 6 acres-most of the field. And the way the houses are set up we are a long, wide lot and it is hard to keep the 2 other houses, as there are no markers, in their own yards. Fencing would be really expensive, though we are considering it. We have planted some seedling trees and set up an irrigation system for them, but that will take some years. Weird thing is, when we planted them, it was a big thing for the neighbors to always walk along the paths we mowed to plant.
Now this is happening with the girls next door.
I will try to call tomorrow and ask the mom to call before sending the girls over. I will try to be positive and friendly. I will mention the pool and dog issues. I will try to explain that I need to be able to watch them--even though she leaves them outside alone? I don't know she will get that.
Say a prayer and wish me luck. I am not good at these sorts of things 
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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Mary K
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| Posted: May 19 2010 at 9:01pm | IP Logged
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i don't think you're being uncharitable at all. i also think the neighbors see you as a free babysitter. if the girls come over uninvited again, i would call their parents and have them come get them. is their house within it sight of yours? if not, i would be very concerned about 2 and 5 yos out of an adult's sight!
God bless,
Mary-NY
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JodieLyn
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Quote:
| I will try to explain that I need to be able to watch them--even though she leaves them outside alone? I don't know she will get that. |
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Don't explain just tell her that you are not comfortable with them there unless you are able to watch them. What can she say to that? she can argue until she's blue in the face.. but "I'm not comfortable, they'll have to go home unless.." doesn't give much finger hold for argument.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 19 2010 at 9:15pm | IP Logged
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And in charity, as long as the parents are at home and not sending the girls over and taking off.. I wouldn't call it a deliberate attempt to get free babysitting.
I've had a little one to cry bitterly if she couldn't tag along and a "big" sister that wanted her along as well. And since she was such a compliant child (would do what others said) she was allowed to tag along much of the time.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: May 19 2010 at 9:30pm | IP Logged
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mom2mpr wrote:
I will try to explain that I need to be able to watch them--even though she leaves them outside alone? I don't know she will get that.
Say a prayer and wish me luck. I am not good at these sorts of things
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As the children's neighbor, you are chosing to only have them on your property when you can watch them. As their parent, she can choose make different decisions about what she does with her children and/or what she allows on her property. No judgement - just personal choices which may be different.
Praying!
Love,
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Angie Mc
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organiclilac
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| Posted: May 19 2010 at 9:38pm | IP Logged
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mom2mpr wrote:
Thanks everyone.
Just as I thought.
We own 6 acres-most of the field. And the way the houses are set up we are a long, wide lot and it is hard to keep the 2 other houses, as there are no markers, in their own yards. Fencing would be really expensive, though we are considering it. We have planted some seedling trees and set up an irrigation system for them, but that will take some years. Weird thing is, when we planted them, it was a big thing for the neighbors to always walk along the paths we mowed to plant.
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My grandparents have this problem - their neighbors think that the paths on their land are open to the public. I would tack up some "Private Property, No Trespassing" signs, just so people understand that it is NOT a common area.
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Tracy, wife to Shawn, mama to Samuel (4/01) and Joseph (11/11), and Thomas (2/15)
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: May 20 2010 at 4:19am | IP Logged
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Would sending an e-mail be OK?
Instead of calling.
I am just thinking it would be a way for me to not get caught up in apologizing and just state the facts.
I was always taught it was best to go face to face.
I am NOT good at this stuff.
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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stacykay
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| Posted: May 20 2010 at 6:21am | IP Logged
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Seconding Jodie's advice.
My dearest friend's dad gave me this great advice when I was going through a difficult time with some people and was worried about what to say. He told me to write out a simple and to the point statement. Don't feel the need to expand on it or explain. And then everytime they would come at me with an argument or attempt to change my mind, just repeat what I originally said, verbatim. It was extremely effective. I felt very calm, too!
God Bless,
Stacy in MI
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Teachin'Mine2
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"First time, the older one, 5 years, came over and decided to play with my dd, who is 7. I called over to make sure the parents knew she was here. Dad said, "I sent her. Is that OK?" We had company at the time."
This is the part that makes me think they consider it okay to use their neighbors for free babysitting. A parent doesn't have go out in order to consider someone else watching their children as babysitting. For one, they had company. For another, he sent his daughter over there purposely - very different from walking over with her and talking with the family and seeing if it's okay if she plays there for a bit. Just my opinion.
Praying all goes well with this situation.
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: May 20 2010 at 6:42pm | IP Logged
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Teachin'Mine2 wrote:
"First time, the older one, 5 years, came over and decided to play with my dd, who is 7. I called over to make sure the parents knew she was here. Dad said, "I sent her. Is that OK?" We had company at the time."
This is the part that makes me think they consider it okay to use their neighbors for free babysitting. A parent doesn't have go out in order to consider someone else watching their children as babysitting. For one, they had company. For another, he sent his daughter over there purposely - very different from walking over with her and talking with the family and seeing if it's okay if she plays there for a bit. Just my opinion.
Praying all goes well with this situation. |
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WE had company in the yard. A bunch of kids playing, we were grilling dinner, and she just sauntered over. THEIR house was very quiet and peaceful
I do agree I am being a babysitter because I, in my heart, and in my yard, feel a 2 and 5 year old would need to be watched. There is the pool, a tree fort, and even our deck that can be fallen off.
They stayed in their yard today. I am hoping my lecture and "if you don't listen and go home when I tell you you will not be allowed to play here again" got messed up by the 5 year old in a conversation with her mom
I really should call though--I just want to send an e-mail but they can always say they never got it.
Tomorrow is a new day 
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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hylabrook1
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You are being reasonable. If they think this is the way to be sure their kids are attended to (not being sure it's okay with you; showing up randomly; not considering the dangers potentially posed by your dog and pool), they are being unreasonable. In charity, you should talk to them about your concerns, which are absolutely valid and well-placed. I would try to avoid getting hot under the collar thinking about "the nerve of those people" (sorry, projecting here - I don't get the sense you've been doing this, just I know that if I were in your shoes, I would be  ). You don't really know what's going on until you discuss it with them, kwim? Praying for your courage - I completely understand the reluctance to raise a possibly touchy subject, especially with people you don't know very well.
Peace,
Nancy
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Am I being uncharitable?
