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Anonymous
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| Posted: March 25 2010 at 10:05pm | IP Logged
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How do you handle friends of your children who've come from an abusive past? Today I found out that one of the local boys (about 10-years-old) who my social 10-year-old son plays with has been molested in the past and has been caught doing something VERY improper with a younger boy last year. Apparently, no help is being sought for this boy. I only found this out today and am feeling very unnerved by it.
I now face talking to my children about this friends of theirs. As far as I know, nothing improper has happened yet, although we’ve had a few issues with bullying. One part of me feels nothing but sadness and sympathy for these poor kids who’ve been so badly mistreated. However, another bigger part of me is more concerned about how to protect my own children from being hurt in this way. I’ve already talked to the kids about “stranger danger” from adults. How can I protect them from kids their own age? And how can I help these poor kids whose own experience with adults has been tainted so badly and could use some positive adult influence in their lives without risking hurting my children?
Has anyone had to deal with this? Do you have any tips to share? And please pray for this poor boy and his siblings and for all children who are so badly mistreated by the adults in their lives.
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guitarnan
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| Posted: March 26 2010 at 6:05am | IP Logged
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I think you have to put your own children's safety first. Sadly, I have been in a situation somewhat similar to this one, and here are some suggestions based on my experience.
First, never leave your children alone with the children from this family (or any of the adults he's related to). Ever. Please.
Second, talk with your children about how much you love them and how you will ALWAYS believe them if they come to you and tell you something has happened to them, say, for example, a friend wanting to touch them in a private area and then telling them to keep the request a secret. Tell them that it is not okay for friends to ask them to keep that kind of secret and they can tell you anyway - and that you promise to believe them and help them. (This will be hard to do. Bring tissues.)
There isn't much you can do to help the children except be kind to them - but never let them play in your children's rooms without you being in sight - physical sight - of them. If you see signs of abuse on these children, you can call CPS. (You might want to check local laws. You might be required to call CPS if state law requires. In my state, every adult is a first responder for child abuse. I would have to call, even if I didn't want to.)
I will pray for you and your dear children. This is so, so hard. And I will join you in prayer for the boy who's an innocent victim of all this, for his family and for children everywhere.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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melanie
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| Posted: March 26 2010 at 6:58am | IP Logged
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I agree...you have to put your own children first. I'm not saying never let the child over, but if you do, you will need to supervise directly. It is not uncommon at all for children that have been abused to act out on others. He will have other issues anyway, as you've already noticed, if he's not getting help. We had a similar issue with a girl in our neighborhood. She was already a couple of years older than my daughter, I think my daughter was 9 at the time and the girl was 11. She was always a behavior problem at my house, and in general. Finally, one day my daughter came in and told me that the girl was "hiding behind the garage" with the 14yo boy that lived across the street. I went back there and found them making out.  That was that. The girl's mother called me in tears and begged me to reconsider not letting the girl come over to play anymore, and that's when I found out that she had been molested. I was very, very sorry for her, but I just couldn't have her over anymore. Regardless of her past, it was obvious that she was a lot more than 2 years older than my daughter in many ways. It's a terrible shame they aren't getting help for this boy though.
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Melanie
homeschooling Maria (13yo), Kain (10yo), Jack (5yo), Tess (2yo), and our newest blessing, Henry Robert, born 4/23!
slightlycrunchycatholic.blogspot.com
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Servant2theKing
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| Posted: March 26 2010 at 2:06pm | IP Logged
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Sadly, we've been in this situation as well. Beyond making sure your children are never left unsupervised with a child who has been abused, you would be wise to assure that parental presence is strong enough to prevent inappropriate verbal exchange as well. We had a very difficult problem arise due to something that was said by a child from an abusive situation. The child was from a homeschool family we were friends with and we felt perfectly safe having our children interact with each other. The young child graphically described a s*xual act in such a way that other children involved were deeply impacted...all of the children involved were under 10 years of age. This occurred right outside of church, while several parents visited and kept an eye on the children. We later learned that the child asked other children to go with him, "far enough away so the adults couldn't hear them", but they were all within sight, so nothing seemed alarming. The lesson learned is that parents need to be ever vigilant in guarding the innocence of their own children. While we may grieve deeply over the tragedy of what an abused child has been exposed to, it is a grievous error to believe that our own childrens' innocence is not at stake by allowing them to interact with one another without very careful supervision. In our own case, we had to sever ties altogether because the family refused to acknowledge or deal with the problems that were going on or get help for their children. There were very large ripple effects in our situation and we have deep regret over not dealing with the problem much more immediately. After the fact, we learned that there were several other signs of serious problems in that situation, which we had missed, putting our children and many others at risk. The advice to communicate with your own children about this issue is prudent and wise. In today's world we cannot bury our heads in the sand and pretend that our children will never encounter such problems...abuse is prevalent and far-reaching. The best defense is caring, open communication with our children, along with loving, ever-present, vigilant protection.
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All for Christ, our Saviour and King, servant
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: March 26 2010 at 2:20pm | IP Logged
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And if you're thinking it seems overbearing. Remember that you are modeling how adults SHOULD take care of children to both your children and the abused children. Often that's one of the things that the abused children are missing. Knowing how adults and children should be interacting.. how adults should be protecting children.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Helping abused children - questions
