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Nat B
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| Posted: March 16 2010 at 2:28am | IP Logged
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What do you do when it all gets too much? My fourth child - 18mo - is a very high needs toddler. He is the only one I have had attached to me day and night, not because I'd planned to, but because he just seems to need it. I thought he would 'let me go' by now, but he seems to need me just as much as ever. I am lucky to get more than about 3 hours of sleep each night because he is wriggly and restless, or teething, or itchy from eczema or he plain old wants me. But he won't just lie with me in bed, he wriggles and squirms all night. He has cut 8 teeth since Christmas, but I can't keep using that as an excuse for his behaviour. It is so hard to know when he might be uncomfortable or in pain, or when he is being plain old stubborn (which he is a lot of the time). He was awake at 5am the other morning having a massive tantrum because he wanted a cereal I had bought the day before. We walked away and went to bed, but he followed us and kept screaming. DH finally (after about half an hour) gave him some, then he came to bed and went to sleep. I am still breastfeeding him, but I really hate it at the moment because I know I don't have much milk, and I really want him to stop before our fifth child arrives in 10 weeks. And he rubs my skin the whole time. So I find myself angry at him so often, and I snap at him too much. I love him so much, but feel so unable to be a good mother to him. I feel like I have given him my everything, and now there is nothing left. I know I am plain old exhausted from him and my pregnancy, but how do I revive myself? DH does as much as he can, but he is in his 4th year of a teaching degree and is suffering from major burnout at the moment. I also feel so guilty that I am neglecting my 'easier' children, but they get yelled at when I am at the end of my tether, for a minor infraction. I am not close to the mother I want to be most of the time. I'm sorry this is so long. Has anyone got any ideas for me?
Natalie
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Becky Parker
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| Posted: March 16 2010 at 5:33am | IP Logged
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Dear Natalie,
I don't have an answer for you but I have offered a prayer. My first thought is that you could maybe find time to say the rosary, maybe while this little guy is nursing? One of mine was very "sensory seeking" as a toddler. He still is to some degree, but he's 6 now so it's different. I'm not a very "touchy-feely" person so I struggled with it. I just wanted my own space. Now that he's older, I look back and see that it didn't really last forever as I felt it did. I guess that's my way of saying it will pass.
One thing that comes to mind is your mention of eczema. There might be something in his diet that is not only causing the skin irritation but also the behavior. Removing gluten and dairy from our son's diet really helped him with many issues. I have eczema from eating eggs and sometimes the discomfort wakes me up, or keeps me up at night. If he is uncomfortable, you're his source of comfort so he will naturally seek you.
Just some random thoughts that came to mind after I said a quick prayer for you. I know those are difficult days, especially when DH is having a hard time as well.
I'll continue to pray for you!
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mathmama
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| Posted: March 16 2010 at 6:39am | IP Logged
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I would definitely look into his diet and yours if you are still nursing him. He sounds alot like my Anna Mary. She has a ton of food allergies and before I figured them all out she was unbelievably high needs. For the most part her problems weren't stemming from her eating the offending foods, but from me eating them. I remember the morning, a month or so into my elimination diet for her, when I saw my real child emerge. She was happy, not fussy, but actually truly happy. I had never seen her like that. Before that every little thing sent her into a crying jag. Oh, and the lack of sleep!! She never slept more than an hour at a time. I was waking with her at least a dz times every night. I got used to the lack of sleep but the lack of down time was maddening. I was truly at the end of my rope. I wasn't the mother and wife I wanted to be. And when she was sleeping it was the constant wriggling in her sleep. Even when her eczema was mostly cleared up she still didn't sleep well. It wasn't until all the offending foods were out of my diet and had cleared her system.
So, where are we now? She weaned back in June, but since about last May or so has been sleeping through the night. She is a much more outgoing happy child. She looks much much healthier (except for that short time before we caught her nutritional deficiencies because of her limited diet). She is a totally different child. I am so glad I was able to figure it all out.
Dairy is certainly a common offender, but any food can cause any reaction. My dd is known to be allergic to dairy (both cow and goat), wheat, egg, soy, peanuts, bananas, avocados, zucchini, coconut, eggplant, white potato. We are vegetarian so I have no idea about any allergies to meat/fish, although I am thinking that the time has come to add some meat/fish to her diet, that is a whole other can of worms I will have to deal with. The first step could be a trip to an allergist for some testing, but testing in no way tells the whole (or sometimes even any) of the story. If you are not dealing with "true" allergies, but rather intolerances, classic allergy testing will not yield much info. For us, allergy testing was a good jumping off point, but my dd's allergies seem to all be "true" allergies. You could also keep a food journal (for both of you if he is still nursing) that also tracks things like his mood, behavior, skin condition, and sleep. This is very important for a mother in your position. You are too tired to keep track of all the foods eaten, how much and when and all the reactions. There may be foods you suspect are problematic already. I would eliminate those immediately. Some foods take some time to clear the system. Gluten and dairy can take quite a bit of time to clear especially if it has to clear both your system and then his. While trying to figure out the offending foods I would refrain as much as possible from using any kind of steroid creams on the eczema as that will mask the reactions you are trying to read. Of course, if he is really uncomfortable I wouldn't torture him, but I would be conservative treating the eczema for sure.
If you have any question please feel free to PM me. I have walked this long, painful, draining road. I did it for nearly 2 years. But there is hope. I never imagined we would be where we are today. Life is still challenging for sure. Feeding Anna Mary and keeping her safe from her allergens (she reacts from just touching milk) is a daily challenge, but it is so much easier since she is happy and we are all well rested.
God bless,
Beth
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melanie
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| Posted: March 16 2010 at 6:59am | IP Logged
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I'm so sorry,,,I've had toddlers like this. Not currently, thankfully,,,but I have had them. I don't have brilliant ideas, but if he has eczema, exploring allergies does sound like a good idea. If you think it might be pain from teething or whatever, a does of liquid motrin at bedtime can clue you in. If you give it and he sleeps a lot better, then it very well may be something like that. The cereal thing made me wonder if a small snack just before bed might not help if you don't already do that. We don't usually do snacks after dinner here because we have late-ish dinners and early-ish bedtimes, but I've made exceptions for toddlers who seem to live on air all day and often doesn't eat much at dinner. Especially if he's been used to nursing at night and now your milk is in short supply, he may be missing some calories? Just a thought! Prayers for you...sleeping at the end of pregnancy is hard enough!
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Becky Parker
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| Posted: March 16 2010 at 7:02am | IP Logged
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mathmama wrote:
but testing in no way tells the whole (or sometimes even any) of the story. If you are not dealing with "true" allergies, but rather intolerances, classic allergy testing will not yield much info. For us, allergy testing was a good jumping off point, but my dd's allergies seem to all be "true" allergies. You could also keep a food journal (for both of you if he is still nursing) that also tracks things like his mood, behavior, skin condition, and sleep. This is very important for a mother in your position. You are too tired to keep track of all the foods eaten, how much and when and all the reactions. There may be foods you suspect are problematic already. I would eliminate those immediately. Some foods take some time to clear the system. Gluten and dairy can take quite a bit of time to clear especially if it has to clear both your system and then his. While trying to figure out the offending foods I would refrain as much as possible from using any kind of steroid creams on the eczema as that will mask the reactions you are trying to read. Of course, if he is really uncomfortable I wouldn't torture him, but I would be conservative treating the eczema for sure.
Beth |
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I just wanted to stress this. We had our son tested for allergies. The tests showed he was allergic to grass and dust. The allergist recommended weekly shots. I understand there is a true need for this sort of thing so I am not bashing allergists. But, this didn't sit well with me. It just felt wrong and I don't know how to explain it.
We then took him to a naturopathic doctor. She noticed dark circles under his eyes, ear wax, and several other things I wouldn't have thought of. She said to take him off dairy. I thought, that's it? No weekly shots? That's too simple. And actually it was. We took him off dairy and it did help alot of his symptoms, but after another visit we realized we needed to take him off gluten too.
During this time a friend recommended the book Is This Your Child. It has a ton of information and can be overwhelming, but it was very helpful in regards to an elimination diet like Beth recommends. (That's how I found out that eggs cause the exzema I've been dealing with for years!)
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mamalove
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| Posted: March 16 2010 at 7:09am | IP Logged
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I have a 16 month old who needs me to grow up and do an elimination diet to try and solve her excema issues. She nurses all night, and it is really hard for me sometimes. I am not blessed as you are to have another baby coming...but I could see how 10 weeks to go in this situiation would make me cranky as well 
That protestant philosophy of leaving the children to cry or spanking toddlers sounds really enticing at low times such as these. My dh and i were just joking about it at dinner last night....time to get out the "ol switch" a'la Mr. Pearl (NOT)
Prayers for you to be able to offer it up as your lenten suffering, and for the ability to find a solution. Maybe you can go to adoration and ask Jesus to enlighten your mind with a solution? God Bless you.
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SusanJ
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| Posted: March 16 2010 at 7:12am | IP Logged
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My middle child is/was very high need and I have often felt at the end of my rope with her. I definitely concur with the allergy testing. This isn't our dd's issue but I've known plenty of families where it was.
A bedtime cup of milk around this age really helped our daughter start sleeping better. She would very often wake up at 4:00 wanting food and dh finally stopped fighting her and brought her out, set her up with a snack, and slept on the couch. Of course we've only just recently weaned her off that so she could stay dry all night.
I also really recommend the book Raising Your Spirited Child. Dh and I have not, historically, been fans of parenting books but this one really, really helped us get a handle on a lot of the difficulties we were having with our dd.
Prayers for you--it will pass. By the time our dd was two many of the more difficult behaviors started to come in phases so there were stretches of reprieve.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: March 16 2010 at 10:57am | IP Logged
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Will he sit in a stroller? maybe you should put him in a stroller and take everyone for a walk.. that would get you outside which always seems refreshing.. and give you a bit of not being touched time.. and you could chat with all your children about what you see or anything at all.
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Becky Parker
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| Posted: March 17 2010 at 7:08am | IP Logged
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Just wanted to second the book, Raising Your Spirited Child. It has really helped me with my ds.
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Becky
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Nat B
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| Posted: March 17 2010 at 10:36pm | IP Logged
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Thank you ladies for your ideas and prayers.
I know this time will pass, I keep telling that to myself. And God helps me so much, some days I have no idea why I feel okay after such little sleep, other days I just collapse in a heap.
I have thought about an elimination diet many times, but the thought just overwhelms me - I'm struggling just to get dinner on the table each night at the moment. I am the only person in our family who hasn't got eczema. My husband had it really badly, and after 32 years of the steriod creams, went on to homeopathy and hasn't had any for a year now. I don't use the steriod creams on my children anymore (not at all for the last two children), which does mean we have to put up with more, but I've noticed it is worse when teething, and is only mild after they have all their teeth. So maybe it is just genetic?
I am wondering if he might have sensory integration issues, and am thinking about seeing an occupational therapist.
Unfortunately, I can't take him for walks in the stroller, as suggested as I am having trouble walking too far - should improve after the baby is born (pubic symphysis). But I will go to adoration tomorrow, as well as trying to remember to pray the rosary during the nights. I will also read the book suugested - Raising your spirited child.
Thank you all so much for your suggestions.
Natalie
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melanie
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| Posted: March 18 2010 at 7:04am | IP Logged
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Natalie,
Since homeopathy worked for your dh, have you thought about trying it for your son? I took my son to a homeopath as a toddler. I was very skeptical.  My dh and I are nurses and have been rather firmly entrenched in traditional medicine. But my son had had near constant ear infections since he was just 2 months old, and by the time he was nearing his 2nd birthday they were prescribing daiy antibiotics and tubes. I was convinced that all these antibiotics were somehow messing up his immune system. He had been on them literally since birth, between some birth issues and the ear infections. I took him to a homeopath out of desperation, feeling like anything was worth a shot. He saw her one time and got better. He had one ear infection like a year later, otherwise he's never had another ear infection. So...just our experience there.
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slightlycrunchycatholic.blogspot.com
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happymama
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| Posted: March 18 2010 at 9:58am | IP Logged
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Ha, I'm sitting here on-line, instead of doing the work I otherwise had planned, because I am sleep-deprived this week by my 4th child, who is 20 mo. old, and who developed eczema 3 months ago out of the blue. She is the first on either side of our families to have this, so it is all new to us. She is a very fun child, but also clingy, and I can't tell you how many days I have had as you described.
I'm not expecting, however. Rest and strength is so important to you at this stage in your pregnancy! The book Simplicity Parenting helped me with some practical motivation for organizing my household, which has really helped me much, much more than I expected. Once you simplify toys, clothes, laundry, and meals, you find yourself with MORE time for all the little things you want to do, like get your baby things in order, or rest.
Another part of the book that was motivating was the chapter on establishing routines with your children, and although I thought I was doing a good job with all these things, I saw many small areas where I could do better. My toddlers have really benefitted from more routine in their lives. I know that eczema causes discomfort, and nursing and cuddling are comforting, but so are routines - bedtime routines, and what you do when he wakes up during the night. Establish a routine that you can live with - one that balances your needs and his.
Certainly, there are periods of our lives with young children that we just have to "get through." Tiredness is such a cross to carry. Try to find some joy each day, just knowing that God is with you!
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Anne
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| Posted: March 18 2010 at 10:12pm | IP Logged
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Natalie,
My sister Jane had a son like this. He too had eczema and was attached at the hip as you have described your son. We used to joke that all Christopher had to do was walk near a china shop and all the dishes would break. 
I have no advice on the allergy front but I do remember one thing that saved my sister from having frustrating feelings toward her son. She gave him a pet name. It sounds silly but calling him "precious" was a way to signal good feelings toward him when she was bedraggled.
He is now 15 and the sweetest boy with the kindest heart. He enjoys playing with my children and hugs me constantly.
I will say prayers for peace for you all.
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Anne in TN
WIFE to Brett (91)
MOM to Rebecca(97), Catherine (99), Grace (99), Stephen (00) & 2 Angels in Heaven.
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SallyT
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| Posted: March 18 2010 at 11:20pm | IP Logged
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My eldest was very much like this, and my #4 is like that to some degree, even at age 6 -- you have my complete empathy. I can remember, when my now-16-year-old was at that remora-toddler stage, saying to myself that she was going to be a really, really great adult . . . the things which made her clingy at that age have contributed to her being a pretty terrific (and not clingy) teenager, so maybe that's a good thing to repeat to yourself when things get overwhelming! It all seems so eternal when they're that age, but though this sounds like a platitude, it really does not last long in the great scheme of things. I know that's not really helpful when you're exhausted and stressed, but it is true . . .
On a practical note, I'll third Susan's book recommendation. I'd also add that, despite the negative-sounding title, Stanley Turecki's The Difficult Child can offer truly valuable insights into the minds of these high-need children, as well as some concrete strategies for managing life with them.
Sending up a prayer for you right now.
Sally
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Nat B
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| Posted: March 23 2010 at 11:38pm | IP Logged
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Thank you all for your suggestions and prayers again. Just thought I would update you. I read in a post once that someone prayed a novena to St Jude for sleep when desperate. As a new Catholic, I have never really done this, but thought I would give it a go, as I was so desperate. Would you believe, that in the last week my son has stopped breastfeeding (with hardly any effort on my part) and his sleep has improved a fair bit. He still only sleeps in my arms for his day nap, and will only fall asleep in my arms at night, but I am now up only once or twice (for as long as 30 mins to 2 hrs). This is a huge improvement and I have hope that I will cope okay when the baby arrives. He is also very high maintenance during the day, but I am slowly seeing improvement. I am finally starting to look forward to the birth of my newest little blessing. I thought about giving my baby the middle name Jude, but no one else in the family likes it  . I am embarassed to say I know nothing about St Jude though, but I want to find out. Does anybody know anything about him? I assume he is the Jude that wrote the book of the Bible?
Natalie
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RA's Mom
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| Posted: March 24 2010 at 2:29am | IP Logged
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Natalie,
I'm so happy to see this post. I've been mulling a response for several days about setting limits with nursing. This has lead to a lot of good self-reflection. I'm tandem nursing now and not determined to wean yet but wondering if poor sleep and an over-reliance on the human pacifier are related. This update gives me courage. And my friend just named her baby Jude so I'll also be interested to learn about this saint.
Karen
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Servant2theKing
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| Posted: March 24 2010 at 7:50am | IP Logged
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There's a beautiful picture book, published by Pauline Books & Media www.pauline.org entitled "Saint Jude A Friend in Hard Times". The book was written by a homeschooled young man, Michael Aquilina III. There was an interesting article about the young author in "Heart & Mind", Summer 2004; you may be able to find it @ www.heart-and-mind.com
Praying for you, Natalie. It's so beautiful that God inspired you to pray to St. Jude.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: What do you do when it all gets too much?
