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KC in TX
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We just found out that dh will deploy to Iraq in May for a 6 month deployment.  Ugh. He's been gone since the beginning January for a school and won't return until mid March. Anyway, any ideas for telling the children? How can I cope with their questions about where, why, how long? Do I just tell them the truth? Help!!!
We also want to take a vacation that's not too expensive, but am having trouble thinking of places. It's too cold to go anywhere north in March (the only time we'd be able to go) although my son wants to see snow again.
I would appreciate any suggestions to making this easier for everyone. I can't seem to articulate the kind of help I need. Maybe I just want to cry. Well, such is the Army life.
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KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
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guitarnan
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KC,
You're in my prayers. My dh keeps volunteering to go to Iraq (for a year!) and keeps getting turned down, but I've faced warzone deployments a couple of times myself.
Tell them the truth. Use a globe and a calendar. This will help them understand that Dad's going far away and that it will be for six months. They deserve to know the truth, even if they don't entirely understand the concept of time.
Before doing this, ask all your adult relatives to keep discussion of the deployment/risks to a minimum (or avoid it!) around your kids, so they don't get scared. It's amazing how family members will understand about a network news "blackout" at your house but will then talk about troop movements and activities all day long, as though your children lack ears.
One good read is "All the Secrets of the World," which is about a child whose Dad goes to WWII and then comes home.
How far can you go for your vacation? Maybe there are some military rental cottages (I know something about this; we have great cabins here in WV on our base!) that you could stay at...depends on how far you want to travel.
Hang in there. It will be hard, but you will make it through.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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5athome
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Not sure where you are in TX but how about doing the touristy fun stuff in Corpus or San Antonio? We also went to South Padre in January last year and it was so relaxing, uncrowded, and fun!
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Elizabeth
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KC,
I really concur with Nancy on the news blackout--and be sure to ask it of people who drive carpools and such as well. Radio news seems so innocuous but just a quick sound bite can loom so large in a child's imagination.
Nicholas' godfather is in Iraq right now. We've been pretty careful about TV news until very recently. With Alito's confirmation and the State of the Union address, I had the TV on a good bit on Tuesday and Wednesday this week. Nicky told me on Thursday that he thinks we haven't heard from Brian recently (it's been a week at most) because he's dead. . I think it's all about the TV.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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momwise
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Why don't we send Spiritual Bouquet cards for St. Valentine's day to KC's little ones and Nicholas and anyone else who has a dad in Iraq? Would KC and Elizabeth be comfortable sending their addresses by PM to people on this board? If not (which is totally understandable) maybe we could do it by email.
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Gwen...wife for 30 years, mom of 7, grandma of 3.....
"If you want equal justice for all and true freedom and lasting peace, then America, defend life." JPII
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Rachel May
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KC in TX wrote:
| Maybe I just want to cry. |
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When I needed a good cry before my husband left, I found the shower was the place to be. That way if they kids catch you, they can't really tell. I didn't mind being worried with them, but I didn't want them to be totally freaked out, you know?
In our house, heavy subjects are always dealt with directly although I don't linger on the scarier aspects. I did the media blackout which was easy since the kids were too little to read and we don't have cable or get a newspaper. I found that the news media overwhelmed me with anxiety (especially after I had the baby), and that what I needed to know I would get from my husband or from official channels.
The kids handled the deployment well, and our transition to having him home again and things back to normal was very fast (except I did have to stop Bill driving for a while since he was "warzone driving" in America. Totally scary for us!).
One thing we did was as soon as we had his address, we pre-sent letters to Bill (he left just before Valentine's Day) and didn't tell him. What a fun surprise when he got there.
The military library made us a DVD of Bill reading picture books to the kids. They watched it a lot, and I did too when I wanted to see his face. If you have your own camera, I recommend making your own since copyright releases effected what books he could read.
You're all in my prayers.
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Rachel
Thomas and Anthony (10), Maria (8), Charles (6), Cecilia (5), James (3), and Joseph (1)
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guitarnan
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One of my friends had a huge group of folks send individual birthday greetings (digital photos!) to her husband for his 40th birthday in Baghdad. We all made signs and took photos of our families in various places (ours at the Navy Memorial in DC) and sent them to him. It was a fun idea.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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momtomany
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First of all, I'll be adding your dh to our soldier prayer list.
My son was in Iraq for a year and I was shameless in asking for prayers for him from everyone! 
I agree with the news blackout; since we don't have TV that was pretty easy. Unfortunately I turned into an internet news junky (not good) but only shared that news with dh.
Crying in the shower is a good idea too. Been there, done that.
I realize that our situation was different since it was my kids's brother, not dad, but we focused a lot on making care packages, writing letters, making cards and mailable treats for Tim. And we took advantage of a lot of the Family Readiness Group activities. I know that I got so much support from other moms of soldiers. And the kids enjoyed the group activities.
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Mary Ann in PA
wife to MIchael, mom to Elizabeth, Becca, Tim, Peter, Andrew, Sarah, Matthew, John, Leah and Joseph
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momtomany
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Rachel May wrote:
...having him home again and things back to normal was very fast (except I did have to stop Bill driving for a while since he was "warzone driving" in America. Totally scary for us!).
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That was scary for us too! We live out in the country where there are a fair number of dead animals on the side of the road. Poor Tim was always swerving to avoid them since in the back of his mind he was sure that they concealed IEDs. There was something about underpasses too...he was always looking up for insurgents.
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Mary Ann in PA
wife to MIchael, mom to Elizabeth, Becca, Tim, Peter, Andrew, Sarah, Matthew, John, Leah and Joseph
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Rachel May
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Bill drove our minivan onto a rocky shoulder to avoid having to stop for a car turning left in a military housing area. When he looked over at me, he saw my face, and I said, "You are so never allowed to drive me or our kids again." 
It made a great gradschool speech about "dealing with stress."
KC, think of all the war stories you'll get to tell.
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Rachel
Thomas and Anthony (10), Maria (8), Charles (6), Cecilia (5), James (3), and Joseph (1)
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KC in TX
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Thank you to everyone. Ben told his mother today and she took it relatively well. Our summer plans are a wash, but we will take some time in March. He has training before leaving so April will be busy. I just hope he is around long enough for Jordan's first birthday. I try not to watch the news and now I will definitely avoid it or at least turn the channel when news of Iraq is on. Ben, on the other hand, is excited to finally be able to go. Sad to leave us, but this is what he has trained for for 13 years. Soldier mentality--go figure.
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KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
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guitarnan
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KC,
Be proud. He wants to go to help his buddies and to bring everyone home as soon as humanly possible. I know so many people who've already been over and want to go again...I know it's not because they love combat, but because they love the United States and love their fellow soldiers/Marines/airment/sailors.
I realize this doesn't make your job easier. In fact, as soon as Ben leaves you will find yourself the center of family phone calls, e-mails, etc. If you don't have caller ID, consider it so you don't have to deal with hysterical family members calling while your children are awake. (This is the Voice of Experience...I'm sure others will confirm that this happens, in spite of your requests for news blackouts around your children.) This way, you will be able to control how you respond to phone calls, especially when your main goal is going to be placing your family firmly at the top of your priority list. Just glance at that caller ID and decide if you're ready to speak with the caller right then. It's OK not to, if something else important (school! prayers! e-mails to Dad!) is happening.
You won't have to go through this alone, truly. Besides your husband's unit and the comms you'll get through them (and, hopefully, good support and counseling if needed), we're here, praying for you and your family.
Perhaps someone more tech-savvy than myself could post a prayer request sticky note for all those deployed overseas? If we all see it as a sticky, we'll remember to pray each and every day.
Although I'm really becoming attached to St. Joseph these days, there are many other saints (George, Michael, Martin de Tours, and more) who are great intercessors for those in the military. And my favorite Saintly Mom, Saint Monica, has been my help in so many tough times. She knows all about raising difficult children (KC...not that I am saying your children are difficult!!!) and about trusting in God over the long haul.
Perhaps this would be a good time to compile a list of all our military family members, godparents, beloved friends, neighbors, etc. who will need prayers over the coming months?
One of my friends here tied yellow ribbons on her porch columns with the names of all our deployed folks on them...it was really cool...especially when she got to take them down!!!
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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momtomany
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Nancy's mention of saints for those in the military reminded me of a prayer card that Tim had and always carried with him:
Quote:
Prayer to St. Joseph over 1900 years old
O St. Joseph whose protection is so great, so strong, so prompt before the Throne of God, I place in you all my interests and desires. O St. Joseph do assist me by your powerful intercession and obtain for me from your Divine Son all spiritual blessings through Jesus Christ, Our Lord; so that having engaged here below your Heavenly power I may offer my Thanksgiving and Homage to the most Loving of Fathers. O St. Joseph, I never weary contemplating you and Jesus asleep in your arms. I dare not approach while He reposes near your heart. Press him in my name and kiss His fine Head for me, and ask Him to return the Kiss when I draw my dying breath. St. Joseph, Patron of departing souls, pray for us. Amen
This prayer was found in the fiftieth year of Our Lord Jesus Christ. In 1500's it was sent by the Pope to Emperor Charles when he was going into battle.
Whoever reads this prayer or hears it or carries it, will never die a sudden death, nor be drowned, nor will poison take effect on them. They will not fall into the hands of the enemy nor be burned in any fire, nor will they be defeated in battle. |
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Actually we sent a whole box of these over to Iraq and they were passed out to all in Tim's unit.
It was a great day when they all returned home safely!!
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Mary Ann in PA
wife to MIchael, mom to Elizabeth, Becca, Tim, Peter, Andrew, Sarah, Matthew, John, Leah and Joseph
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lilac hill
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KYou have our prayers.
Viv
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Viv
Wife to Rick (7/83), Mom to dd#1(6/87), dd#2(1/90), and dd#3(6/94) in central PA.
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Rachel May
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Mary Ann,
My protestant husband memorized that prayer to St. Joseph while he was deployed. It's the best! He also wore a jubilee medal of St. Benedict on his dogtags (The only non id item allowed on dogtags by regulation). I have a great story about that medal saving someone's life before I gave it to him. Somewhere there's also a really good wife prayer that I will try to find.......
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Rachel
Thomas and Anthony (10), Maria (8), Charles (6), Cecilia (5), James (3), and Joseph (1)
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almamater
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We enjoy making a family retreat of sorts to a little place just north of Tulsa. It is a beautiful monastery with a couple of nice guest houses. You can go to daily Latin Mass (Indult), many of the offices (vespers, matins, etc). Men and boys can take meals with the monks. The rest of the time, we spend hiking about the property, playing games, reading, resting. There is NO TV, radio, etc. The guesthouses have equipped kitchens, laundry, and bed sheets. It is a beautiful step out of the ordinary.
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~jennifer in tx
mommy of ds(11),dd(8),dd(6), dd(3),& ds (6/08)
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KC in TX
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We also loved that particular prayer to St. Joseph. We pray it every week. I think I will buy some more of those cards and give it to dh when he leaves.
As my mother in law stated, I will put dh's safety and well being in God's hands. I will put my worries in God's hands. So, what should I do when I feel the knots in my stomach as I contemplate his absence from home and his proximity to danger? I feel badly because I feel I'm not putting it in God's hands.
Prior to his being picked to go on this assignment we were discussing his volunteering to go. He wanted to, but didn't feel right about leaving us. I told him to pray about it. Well, 2 days later he received the email telling him he was going. There's our answer.
I'm sorry to ramble. I have so many thoughts running through my head I feel the need to get out somehow. My family would worry too much so I don't burden them. My MIL wants me to hysterical, but I'm not. I've already had calls from relatives that never call.
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KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
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guitarnan
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KC,
All the things you are feeling are so totally normal. Please remember that. If you ever, ever feel totally overwhelmed or despairing, I hope you'll go to your Family Services Center (or whatever they are called in the Army, sorry!) and take advantage of all the programs they offer for spouses of deployed servicemembers. (I know you know that, but when he's really gone, you may feel the need to tough it out...and that might not be the best way to go about handling emotions, kids, phone calls from long-lost family, etc.)
You are going to be very busy while your husband is away, and you'll find that the routine times pass pretty quickly. When the weekends hit, it's a different story. Also, when the cars break or other problems pop up, it's very frustrating. See if you and your husband can come up with a list of people who can help if things go awry. That will help him, too, because he'll know people have agreed to assist you. (I had the Knights of Columbus help with plumbing disasters, for example!)
One of my friends here is a (Baptist) chaplain's wife. They just finished up an assignment in which Chaps was sent to Iraq with a Marine Corps unit. She says that she spent lots of time with the young wives who had a hard time being all alone and not knowing about their husband's safety. This leads me to suggest to you that you talk about the deployment with some other spouses from your unit (if you're friends with them) or with some church friends, so you have people who know your husband is gone and that your extended family isn't close by. The truth is, no one can understand a combat deployment unless they've experienced it (as active duty or as a spouse). The wild roller coaster of emotions is so very hard to describe. Finding some kindred spirits ahead of time will help you, truly.
(Or you can call me! I'm not near you, but I love to talk on the phone...  )
You are surely putting this in God's hands. I can tell this from all your posts. The problem is, you love your husband and you're worried about his safety - entirely normal - remember that God gave you your love for your husband and your nurturing personality. It's OK to worry. There will be times when you are doing fine and times when you aren't. That's OK.
If you feel your extended family is understanding, you might consider a visit to them halfway through the deployment time. Don't do this if they are hysterical people, don't help you get your homeschooling done, or don't understand why your husband joined the military in the first place...in these cases a visit home is more stress than it's worth!
Perhaps a helpful family member or close friend would be able to visit you instead. Again, avoid having high-maintenance people visit if you can. ("I'm so busy with the little ones now that my husband's gone; I'm sure you'll understand!")
It's OK to say NO to people who want you to visit, talk endlessly on the phone, volunteer or otherwise overextend yourself. This is the time to conserve your emotional resources. You need sleep and time to recharge your emotional batteries.
Lots of prayers headed your way. I know exactly how you're feeling.
PS - Now's also the time to remind people who will be asking you about your husband that they shouldn't ask you where he is or where he's going, since you certainly won't be able to tell them. Better yet, have your husband pass along this info. It will not please anyone, but it will make things easier when you can't answer their questions later.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Rachel May
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KC in TX wrote:
| Prior to his being picked to go on this assignment we were discussing his volunteering to go. He wanted to, but didn't feel right about leaving us. I told him to pray about it. Well, 2 days later he received the email telling him he was going. There's our answer. |
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This is what happened to my husband and my neighbor at right after they had come to the same decision.
I was thinking about you in my sleep last night, and wanted to be sure you had seen this book. I know at one point someone was providing free copies to military families. Even though it talks about going to school, it has a nice idea for dealing with seperation.
The Kissing Hand
And I don't know if this will help, but I thought six months were fairly bearable, or as much as you could expect. You have just enough time to be overwhelmed and get back into a routine. Bill had a 2 week leave at that point, and I remember being very relaxed and ok with the whole thing. I'm praying your experience is similar!
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Rachel
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KC in TX
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Nancy and Rachel,
Thank you for your words. As time has gone I am at peace with the decision and upcoming months. I've done 5 weeks now without him so I guess it will be easier because I know we can do it. We will have some visits from inlaws before he leaves and we will also take a trip somewhere for fun.
Rachel, I love that book and it's a great idea. I think the children will love it especially my oldest dd. She, more than anyone else, really misses her daddy.
I thank everyone for their support and kind words. It has meant so much to me.
__________________
KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Dh deploying to Iraq
