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Maddie
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| Posted: Nov 23 2009 at 10:09pm | IP Logged
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I've been thinking/praying about posting this question for some time now. It is very personal and difficult for me to talk about, but as I am fairly anonymous here, (Maddie is a screen name  ) I feel safe to ask. Discussing this IRL would not be easy, there are very few who even know this about me. I would have rathered this to remain in the past but sadly their are people in my life who would take pleasure in hurting me and my family with this information.
This Christmas, 20 years ago, I aborted my first baby. There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel a stabbing pain in my heart and a constant battle against despair. I was just 16 and had no idea what would actually take place. The clinic said they would just start my peri*od for me and all would be right. When I asked if it was a baby, they assured me it wasn't yet, and showed me a picture of the placenta and said that was all it was. (I was 9 weeks) In my dreams I can still hear the abortionist whistling a low, haunting tune and I happened to turn at the right moment to see the glass jar with my baby's remains. I attempted suicide that same night.
This time of year is always hard for me, but this year it is especially painful. 20 years seems like yesterday. Looking at all my beautiful children around the table sometimes makes me cry as I know there is one missing and I killed her.
There are several family members who are skeptical of our conversion (it's been 17 years now) and who like to bring up who we used to be, just like a demon whispering in my ear. Now that my children are older, my oldest is 18 and considered an adult, these family members would love to expose our supposed hypocrisy for their own pleasure and shatter the beautiful world we have created for our children by telling them this horrible truth about our past. They have no idea that they have another sibling, I hope, in Heaven.
I considered telling them the truth many years ago, but was counseled by a very wise friend to withhold the information and only tell them if it would prove to be helpful in a future situation.
So, I come to you all today and ask your advice. Do I tell them myself or do we just hope and pray that these family members never do? Do we risk them finding out from a malicious person who would relish the agony they would cause? Now that some of my children are older, I can not always control the environment and who they may visit with. Do I let my life now speak for our regret and repentance?
Please, please keep me in your prayers. This anniversary is especially sorrowful. The sin has been confessed and I have felt God's mercy, but no one can tell me to stop missing and longing to hold that child.
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~Maddie~
Wife to my dh and Momma of 9 dear ones
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JenPre
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| Posted: Nov 23 2009 at 10:37pm | IP Logged
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Maddie my heart goes out to you. What pain your mother heart must feel! Especially as you find yourself dealing with unkind people. My heart breaks knowing that there are people out there who would use this to try to hurt you!
My advice would be to tell your children yourself. You wouldn't want them to learn this from someone else, espcially if it wouldn't bet old in charity. They wouldn't feel hurt that they had to find out from someone not you. It most likely will be painful for them and they will need time to grieve this beautiful sibling. But the fact that you have given them a beautiful example of God's love, mercy and forgiveness I am sure they will appreciate it from you.
Even if it is only the older children for now. I really feel that it should come from you rather then having them find out from others in a nasty, mean spirited way.
You are in my prayers in a huge way! Especially as the holiday's approach! 
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Jen
Mommy to Marie-Therese born 12/4/09
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Mackfam
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| Posted: Nov 23 2009 at 10:39pm | IP Logged
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Dearest Maddie,
My heart is aching for you, for your hurt, and for the reasons you must seek advice and help.
I need to take this to prayer and I most certainly will, begging the Holy Spirit to illuminate the shadows and fears you face in this Cross with His wisdom.
In the meantime I want to offer a veil for other members who may want to share with an experience or advice that is also painful. While anyone may certainly pm Maddie, if you feel called to respond to Maddie's request for advice with any level of detail that might best remain sheltered within the safety of your heart, but feel the Holy Spirit is calling you to reveal a sorrow in order to offer a spiritual work of mercy, please pm a moderator and request the veil of anonymity in posting here.
Maddie,
My prayers are for you dear sister and this intention, and I entrust your pain to the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, whose mercy knows no bounds! Trust in Him! May Our Lady comfort you and point you always to Her Son's Mercy!
__________________
Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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Sarah M
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| Posted: Nov 23 2009 at 10:44pm | IP Logged
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Maddie, oh how I wish I could give you a great big hug. What sorrow for you to bear! I hesitate to give advice because I have no teenagers yet and don't know what on earth I'd do in that situation. But I wanted you to know that I am offering up prayers for you to be wrapped up in peace this December. God's grace is so complete! You are in my prayers and thoughts, and I am so sorry to hear that there are people in your life who would bring up such things to hurt you and your family. My heart breaks for you.
Many prayers and hugs.
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cathhomeschool
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| Posted: Nov 23 2009 at 10:56pm | IP Logged
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Maddie, the depth of your suffering brings me to tears. God does not want you to torment yourself with this anymore. He LOVES you, and HE LOVES that baby. He knows the pain and remorse you feel. He sees into the depths of your heart and knows the secrets hidden there that not even you can understand. He knows us each better than we know ourselves...and still He loves us and waits for us. It reminds me of something Christ said to St. Faustina -- "My Heart is sorrowful, Jesus said, because even chosen souls do not understand the greatness of My mercy....Remember My Passion, and if you do not believe My words, at least believe My wounds." He died to heal you. He died because He loves you. Mercy is God's greatest attribute. Trust in Him. Trust in the Divine Mercy and beg His healing daily through the intercession of Our Holy Mother. You have paid dearly for the mistakes of your youth -- too dearly. DO NOT ALLOW SATAN TO TORTURE YOU ANYMORE. That baby is in heaven now, in eternal paradise. Talk to that child. Pray for his intercession. What a powerful little saint you have interceding for you at God's feet! He loves you and has forgiven you too. Please forgive yourself.
I am so sorry to hear that those who should be your greatest supporters are the ones who are trying to tear you down. I would encourage you to continue to pray for these family members. Ask God daily to place hedges of protection around your children (praying to St. Michael), and ask Him to provide an opportunity to discuss this with your teens if that is His Will. One thing is sure -- you should not live in fear of what these relatives might do or what your children might discover. Fear only clouds your judgment, making it difficult to discern what is best. Ask God to help with the fear and surrender the whole situation to Him. He is there, wanting to heal you all and use this situation for His Glory. I don't have suggestions about whether or not to tell the kids, but I firmly believe that if you daily ask God for healing and guidance, and you trust that HE WILL give it because you've asked in Christ's name through the intercession of Mary, that He will guide you to the answer.
You have my daily prayers. I would love to post a prayer request for you at WPTTL. United prayer is a great weapon against the enemy.
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Janette (4 boys - 22, 21, 15, 14)
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Christine
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Dear Maddie,
You will be in my prayers. If you have not already done so, I urge you to contact someone from Rachel's Vineyard and/or Silent No More Awareness. I volunteer for a pro-life organization and know priests and lay people with both groups. They can offer sound, confidential advice.
May Our Blessed Mother wrap her mantle around you and bring you comfort.
__________________
Christine
Mommy to 4 girls, 5 boys, & 2 in God's care
Memories of a Catholic Wife and Mother
Pretty Lilla Rose
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Paula in MN
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Maddie,
My heart is breaking for you. I think you should share this with your older children. I'll be keepoing you all in prayer.
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Paula
A Catholic Harvest
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SusanJ
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Dear Maddie,
Thank you for having the courage to share your sorrow with us. I'm sure I'm not the only one here who is so glad to be able to uphold you in prayer.
My parents also had secrets in their past. There are many ways that their situation and yours are not comparable but in my case I stumbled upon the truth on my own and was deeply shaken by it. Mine was not a communicative family and when I then became more sensitive to little comments and insinuations by other family members (who weren't malicious but assumed I would know the truth) and when my parents marriage ended in divorce I was left on my own to draw my own conclusions about things. There were many painful years in there. My father and I have since come to a good place with all this but my mother remains very closed to communication. If I had known everything from them first hand it would certainly have been immediately painful but much better for the health of our family in the long run.
I would think that telling your children as they come of age to understand the issues would be very wise. If they are not already aware that not all your family has the best interests of your family at heart this might be a good setting to begin to process that with them as well.
Be assured of my continued prayers for you over the next weeks.
Susan
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Mom to Joseph-8, Margaret-6, William-4, Gregory-2, and new little one due 11/1
Life Together
[URL=http://thejohnstonkids.blogspot.com]The Kids' Blog[/UR
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cvbmom
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No advice, just
I am sorry for your pain and am praying for you now...
God bless,
Christine
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Wife to dh - 18 years!
Mom to dd (16), ds (15), dd, (12), dd (11), ds (9), dd (8), dd (7), ds (5), dd (3), ds (2), and ds (1)
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stefoodie
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Maddie,
I'm sorry to hear about this situation you're dealing with. I am praying that your relatives are enlightened and that they allow you as the parents to reveal whatever you want to reveal to your children when YOU'RE ready.
I am praying that you and your dh find peace in God's mercy.
I am also praying that your children, when the time comes, will have open hearts to receive the good that can and should come out of this.
May our good Lord heal you of your pain and may His Love fill your heart. I am praying for your strength as well -- God forgives AND forgets. And He does/will/can bring good out of any situation. Trust in that.
Many prayers for you and yours.
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stef
mom to five
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guitarnan
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I will add my prayers to everyone's here...and hope that we can all beseech God to turn your extended family toward Him and away from any intent to cause sorrow.
Look always toward Jesus, Who forgave so many, many people and encouraged them to focus on Heaven. He will be your shelter and refuge, always.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Taffy
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I am so sorry for your pain and your loss Maddie. Truly, one of the biggest evils of abortion (besides the obvious) is the lie that you heard, the notion that the fetus isn't a baby. I'm so happy that you were able to work through your grief over this deception.
I think that you should tell your children. For all the reasons mentioned above. Plus, I think that when they see the pain that this caused you and still causes you, they will see firsthand how truly repentant you are and how sincere you are in your faith. I've always found pro-life speakers who've been through an abortion themselves to be the most passionate about life.
And I second the advice about Rachel's Vineyard and/or other post-abortion recovery groups. I am sure that you will find other women who were once in your shoes with having to tell their children and they could be a source of strength and comfort for you.
You and your family are in my prayers.
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Susan
Mom to 5 on earth and 1 in heaven
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hylabrook1
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Dear, dear Maddie -
I, too, am so sorry for the pain and suffering you have carried for so many years. May the Blessed Mother wrap you in her mantle and hold you close to her heart, where you will know nothing but love and mercy. She understands so well, as she was also very likely looked upon badly by those who couldn't understand the work of God's mercy brought to earth with her Fiat. I will offer Memorares for you daily.
Peace,
Nancy
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Tina P.
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So many others have given you such wonderful advice. I, too, would like to promote the idea of you sharing with your older children the story of your past. I know this doesn't compare to what you're going through, but when I share mistakes I made even in just dating men I had no intention of marrying, it imprints on my daughter's mind that dating is to be reserved for those with whom you are considering a future. My mother and dad were high school sweethearts. They really had no experiences to share that taught me anything.
What you offer them by telling them is the truth. Given by you with the great sorrow that this caused, the kids will know the depth of your contrition. You might want to be prepared for your children's grief. They might even be angry with you for a while. But trust in God's mercy and love. They will appreciate your honesty. They will come to forgive you. And their love for you will deepen. It will be a learning experience for all of you.
God bless and many ,
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Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
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JuliaT
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My dearest Maddie,
I am hugging you in my heart at this very moment. I will be praying for you that God will very clearly reveal to you what should be done regarding your children. May you feel His arms wrapped around you tightly as you go through this holiday season.
Blessings,
Julia
mom of 3 (10,8,6)
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happymama
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Praying for you, and will continue to do so, dear Maddie.
We all have mistakes in our past. In some ways, that's why Facebook scares me, because reconnecting with high school friends brings back so many memories of things I wish I hadn't done, and knowledge of what others did... and now we are all "adults" raising children, so many of us have matured, and yes, want our kids to do better.
I definitely would give an opinion that differs from previous posters: I would NOT tell my past sins or mistakes to my children. I would be humble. I would tell them often in many general terms that I have made big mistakes in the past that I regret. And if someone tells them specifics? Then you simply acknowledge the truth. Don't all children have to learn, eventually, that their parents aren't perfect?
For example, every time we are driving to Mass, I ask my children, "why are we going to Mass?" And one of the reasons we always say is, "to tell God we're sorry for all of our mistakes."
Turn all these hauntings from your past into pro-life action.
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aussieannie
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Maddie, I was moved to tears to read that, I just really wish there was not a hugh ocean apart, I'd love to give you that big hug!
The only thing that I would like to add to the compassionate and wise advice you have received so far is that why does God allow evil to exist at all? He allows it with His permissive Will in order to draw greater good from it.
God can and will draw greater good from this Maddie, because you are beautifully open to Him, your face turned towards Him, searching His Will, His desires, His face.
Most of us have not met IRL but we all have impressions of each other, if there is one impression I have of you is you are so trusting in His Will and Mercy, no matter what comes your way. Continue to trust in this way with the deepest pain and concern of your heart.
You will have my heartfelt prayers, dear friend!
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Under Her Starry Mantle
Spiritual Motherhood for Priests
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MarilynW
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Dearest Maddie - my heart is aching for you and your pain. I will be praying for you constantly.
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Marilyn
Blessed with 6 gifts from God
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Susana
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Maddie,
May God bless and guide you in your decision. I have also heard of Rachel's Vineyard and it sounds like it would be a wonderful place to help with your healing and concerns. Sending my love and prayers
-Susana
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Mami to ds12,ds11,ds10,ds8,dd7, dd4, and ds 2.
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Barbara C.
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I agree with many others that you should probably tell the older children. It would be better to hear it from you.
I would also consider limiting or eliminating contact with said relatives who continue to harass you. If they are still questioning your conversion after 17 years there is something going on there. They are either anti-religion, anti-Catholic, or they bear a grudge against you for a real or perceived slight. I would not want my kids around them period.
If you do continue contact and they continue with their threats and comments, I would be tempted to either openly question their motives and intentions and put them on the defensive or pack up the family and leave the second they started in.
Lots of prayers going your way.
__________________
Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
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Topic: need your sage advice*sensitive
