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MNMommy
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| Posted: Nov 19 2009 at 9:13am | IP Logged
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Three weeks ago we moved to the country, and my oldest three dc were each given a kitten. The kids, especially dd7, love these cats. Dd7 spends hours each day playing with them, and she talks about them all the time.
Last night I ran over one of the kittens (and it might be dd7's cat). Dh is adament that we not tell the dc the kitten is dead. Apparently he wants them to think the cat ran away or something?? Our neighbors aren't close enough for anyone to think that the kitten went to live somewhere else.
How do I lie to dd all day today? She'll be out in the grove searching for the kitten, making up missing posters for it, and crying all day. Then, tomorrow....more of the same???
I'm not in a good position. I don't want to go against dh's wishes, but I also don't want to lie to my kids.
I need wise counsel. How can I do both - be true to dh but truthful with dd?
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Jennifer
Tired mom to - 10yo dd, 7yo ds, 6yo ds, 4yo dd, 2yo ds
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kingvozzo
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| Posted: Nov 19 2009 at 9:21am | IP Logged
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Well, I don't really have any advice for you. I would find it very difficult to not tell the kids that the kitten was dead. I would leave out the part about my running it over 
I'll pray for clarity and unity for you and dh though.
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Noreen
Wife to Ed
Mom to 4 great kids and 10 sweet ones in Our Lady's arms
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Martha
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| Posted: Nov 19 2009 at 9:36am | IP Logged
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Well I strongly disagree with your dh so I guess I'm no help.
I'd just matter of factly tell the truth, express my sincere sorrow, explain this is just part of animal life outdoors (same as cars hitting dear, squirrels, and racoons).
We'd share some tears. Feel down for a time. Maybe get another kitten or a different animal ay some point.
At 7 she's old enough IMHO. (keeping in mind she is old enough to partake of the sacrificicial death of Christ)
to me this part of the lessons learned by having and loving pets. How to grieve and deal with loss.
Ymmv tho
I wouldn't go against dh.
But I'd probably wear him down to my way of thinking.
Or tell him that he is on his own lying to her bc I truely wouldn't want any part of that.
We would cry and share memories and eventually move on happy for the time we had.
To me that is far healthier than thinking a loved favored pet will just up and disappear at any moment with no reason. 
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Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
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Mackfam
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| Posted: Nov 19 2009 at 9:41am | IP Logged
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I would gently bring this back to your dh, Jennifer, explaining as you have to us in all sincerity. I will be praying that you can do this soon so that you explain this to your daughter.
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Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Nov 19 2009 at 9:53am | IP Logged
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I agree with Jennifer and in the meantime, you can explain that living in the country there are wonderful things like getting to have kittens.. but that there are still hazards for any outdoor animal.. wild animals, wandering pets, the streets etc. That it's very different from in the city where there are people who may take care of a stray and help you find a lost kitten. And sometimes animals will go off on an adventure and not come back. And we don't know why.
You can get around a lot of the "lying" and giving explainations.. by just telling her about animals in general in the country.. whether it's a cat or dog or goat.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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Maddie
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| Posted: Nov 19 2009 at 10:57am | IP Logged
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Oh Jennifer, I can so relate! i just ran over my 4yo's kitten last month and she cried for days. She still mourns for the kitty even after several weeks now.
My older children and dh all agreed that if it happens again, we bury it and not say anything. My kids can handle chopping off chicken heads, but a warm cuddly kitten is another matter. Maybe getting another one would distract her?
I don't do any of the burying of the animals, so I can always honestly say, I don't know where they are...
Tough one. I lost cats all the time growing up, usually got ran over, I remember one the cow laid on...  I'm usually all for toughening up my kids but I don't think I can handle another kitty death and having to deal with five kids crying over it again.
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~Maddie~
Wife to my dh and Momma of 9 dear ones
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mary theresa
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| Posted: Nov 19 2009 at 2:27pm | IP Logged
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I agree with Martha.
I think that in the end the truth is more important than avoiding the sadness -- even though that will be hard for both of you to have to go through, I'm sure! Sadness and loss isn't a unhealthy thing, its part of life and eventually we all face it.
I said a prayer that you can work this out! God bless.
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Mary Theresa
mother to 3 little girls --March '06, Dec '07 and Jan '10
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Michaela
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| Posted: Nov 19 2009 at 4:49pm | IP Logged
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Such a hard situation for you to be in!
I hope that if you feel led, you will talk to your dh about it again. I can't imagine watching my little ones search with great hope for their kitty while I KNEW kitty wasn't coming back.
Plus, the bigger part is if she ever found out you were untruthful with her. It happened to me regarding disappearing pets -- you don't want to lose your child's trust.
I will also say a prayer for you, Jennifer.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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Paula in MN
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| Posted: Nov 19 2009 at 4:55pm | IP Logged
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Mackfam wrote:
| I would gently bring this back to your dh, Jennifer, explaining as you have to us in all sincerity. I will be praying that you can do this soon so that you explain this to your daughter. |
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Jennifer says it best.
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Paula
A Catholic Harvest
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MNMommy
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| Posted: Nov 25 2009 at 6:14am | IP Logged
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Thank you so much everyone. Your prayers certainly helped us. I was nearly distraught over the situation. Fortunately dd7 didn't discover the missing kitten until later in the morning so I had some time to compose myself. I had decided that I wasn't going to lie to her but that I would lead her to the truth.
When she didn't find the kitten in the morning, she assumed it had died. I was so relieved. Then, miraculously, the garbage truck had come that morning and she assumed that it had run over the kitten. While not the entire truth, it was close enough for me to feel comfortable letting her believe that.
When dh came home for lunch, I told him that I wouldn't lie to her about the cat. He came to his senses and agreed then that we could let her believe it died, especially since by then she already thought that it had gotten run over.
I know he just wanted to protect her from pain. He is a a wonderful, loving father. No parent makes perfect calls every time. Oh, and it was her kitten.  We have already replaced it, and now the replacement isn't doing well.
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Jennifer
Tired mom to - 10yo dd, 7yo ds, 6yo ds, 4yo dd, 2yo ds
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RA's Mom
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| Posted: Nov 25 2009 at 6:45am | IP Logged
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Oh, prayers to St. Francis for your sweet family.
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SeaStar
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| Posted: Nov 25 2009 at 8:25am | IP Logged
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Oh, no- what a time you've had. Also asking St. Francis and St. Martin to help out here
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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Chari
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| Posted: Nov 26 2009 at 2:07am | IP Logged
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we have lived out in the country for 17 years.....and have lost waaaaaay more kittens than 17
so, just giving you a heads-up......it most definitely comes with the territory.......and not one of ours has been run over...
my kids have almost gone the other way: won't get attached to kittens anymore 
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Chari...Take Up & Read
Dh Marty 27yrs...3 lovely maidens: Anne 24, Sarah 20 & Maddelyn 17 and 3 chivalrous sons: Matthew 22, Garrett 16 & Malachy 11
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Torn - how do I not lie to dd?
