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eazheff
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| Posted: Nov 17 2009 at 5:55pm | IP Logged
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I have only posted once in response to something. I pretty much just lurk and learn around here. But, something has really been bothering me lately and I want some advice, so here I am. I feel terrible for saying this, but I have a child that really gets on my nerves. He is a very bright 7 yo, who is intense. He is a meloncholic/choloric combo, he knows everything and does not like to listen. However, it is more than that. He is loud, bugs his little brothers with his hands or toys coming at them and making weird noises, and always trying to say funny things that are not funny. For example, today he told the 3 year that aliens were coming to take him away and suck his brains out of his nose. He says he is just playing and nobody likes the way he plays. Which is true. Because of crazy circumstances I have let them watch way to much kids tv and this gives him these ideas and he thinks they are funny.
So, my question is how to teach a 7 yo how to play without being annoying. I tell him people don't like to be touched like that with toys or hands. Then he gets very sad and says nobody likes him or the way he plays. I don't want him to feel bad about himself. Even when he is showing affection he does it in an annoying way by making noises and poking me. He is also and anxious child, which I worry about.
I feel horrible saying these things, which I guess is why I am asking here, where no one knows us.
He is also very difficult to homeschool. I ask very little of him and yet, he always whines about doing it. He get the material very easily and does it quickly when he is focused. Then I threaten to send him to the public school where I say he'll be stuck all day.
I never thought I would talk to a child of mine that way. But, part of me wants him to know how easy he has it. Maybe that is part of the problem. I don't know.
I also haven't ever really been around many children, maybe this is kind of normal for an energetic boy??
I humbly beg you to please respond!!
I hope this makes sense?!
Thank you,
Liz
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Nov 17 2009 at 6:30pm | IP Logged
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eazheff wrote:
I also haven't ever really been around many children, maybe this is kind of normal for an energetic boy??
I humbly beg you to please respond!!
I hope this makes sense?!
Thank you,
Liz
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Liz, you make perfect sense and...yes, I do think this behavior falls into the normal category. In other words, I've known many 7yos as you describe. Yet, just because this is normal doesn't mean that its OK, right? I'm glad that you shared your concerns and hope you find some help from the experienced moms here that will fit your situation.
My first thought is to pick one behavior that you really feel needs to stop. Let's say its poking. See if you and dad can talk to ds when all of you are in good moods and feeling optimistic. Start off by telling your son several behaviors that you admire in him and make them concrete, like "You are very helpful in the kitchen when you put dishes away" or "You are very patient when I'm on the phone." From there, say something like "There's something that we want to help you to stop doing because it will help us all to get along better. I don't like to be poked and neither do your siblings. So instead of poking, can you think of another way to get our attention and/or have fun with us?" From there, you all can brainstorm together...he can use his words "Can I have your attention?" or "Can you play a game with me?" Then close the meeting with warm words of encouragement like, "You are a great kid and I know you'll do a great job. We're eager to help. Thanks for working on this."
From there you can start practicing. Count how many times he pokes a day and expect him to decrease the number each day. If he likes charts, you can help him to chart his efforts. Be ready to stop everything when he does *what you want him to do.*
Before I run off to dinner, I'll add. Pray...pray...pray. Pray to *see* your son and all he does that is pleasing, funny, smart. Then, slowly, peck away at the behaviors that will help him to feel good about himself and get along well with others - especially Mom  .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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melanie
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| Posted: Nov 17 2009 at 8:30pm | IP Logged
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lol..
You've described my 9yo to a "T". I will say it has gotten a bit easier with age. He has started, ever so slowly to improve his perception of how he can get on people's nerves. And he does want to be liked. I agree with what Angie said about picking one behavior at a time and working to correct it. Couch it in terms of things that are great about him, and how you know he wants to improve how he gets along with others.
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Melanie
homeschooling Maria (13yo), Kain (10yo), Jack (5yo), Tess (2yo), and our newest blessing, Henry Robert, born 4/23!
slightlycrunchycatholic.blogspot.com
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Kathryn
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| Posted: Nov 18 2009 at 12:04am | IP Logged
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Hi Liz,
I have a very difficult DS 9 that I wouldn't even begin to say out loud the things I've thought about him but I know it doesn't make it right on my part so praying is where I unload a lot and ask for guidance and to see him as God sees him and as God created him. Sometimes it's hard for me to find anything good to say or think about him but I know as his mother that I must so I push those thoughts aside when they creep up. And there are times I've been so exasperated I've wanted to throw my hands up but I tell myself I must NEVER give up hope on him.
Here are a few things I've done:
1. I have journaled about his good qualities to remind me to focus on those.
2. I have also done the "pick one behavior" at a time route so I don't feel like I'm constantly harping on him. These past few weeks we've been working on attitude and I'll say that I've seen much improvement. I've let go for now some sloppy table manners, some sloppy homework, not straightening his room properly etc. so I could focus on what to me was a BIGGIE...the disrespectful attitude. Some things are just annoying immaturity but some things must be nipped in the bud much quicker as a character issue. This is where you could discern which is which.
3. I've threatened to send him back to school too but I think that has added to his anxiety and I don't really mean it so I've quit saying it (empty threats fall on deaf ears along with alot of other things we say when we don't follow thru).
4. I have found a part-time homeschool co-op that I'm thinking about enrolling my children in to give them back some structure that we're all missing in this first year of homeschooling. He seems content about that (as opposed to 7 hrs a day in traditional school) so if you could seek out something similar or even some outside classes that might help your guy.
5. There are many times I've thought *I* need to be consoled and I remember "Seek not to be consoled but to console." I wondered, hmmmm, who could I console and I truly believe the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said "your son". It was a, DUH moment! My son as well has anxiety issues and I've worked recently on really being more affectionate and attentive to him and what his needs or discomfort might be that could cause him to act the way he does sometimes. May be your guy needs more mom/dad time.
6. We talk a lot about scriptures that relate to how we are to treat one another and whether Jesus would have treated others that way. I emphasize that he must act as he SHOULD...not as he FEELS. I think that def. comes with maturity b/c how many of us adults sometimes fall short of that one? 
7. He does lots of sentences for inappropriate behaviors but they're always written with the positive I desire such as "I will do my schoolwork well" or "I will learn to walk away when angry".
8. I've posted various signs related to some of these things and even used my handy-dandy label maker to self-stick "It's ok to be angry, it's not ok to be rude" on his nightstand. Believe it or not, I catch him reading it often and eventually the message will stick!
9. I've stopped threatening, arguing, debating etc. and just start counting to get the desired action. Usu. whatever # I count to is either how many sentences he writes or how many minutes of lost play time he "earns".
Well, that's a waaaaaaay longer post than I anticipated but I hope it helps. I just feel like we're in similar shoes.
Best,
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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Paula in MN
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| Posted: Nov 18 2009 at 6:44am | IP Logged
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This is all good advice. My ds7 recently started acting like this, and I'm attributing it to everything we've been dealing with over the last two years. Has there been anything stressful recently that has triggered his attitude into something more than normal? If so, dealing with that situation could change some behavior.
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 Paula
A Catholic Harvest
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melanie
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| Posted: Nov 18 2009 at 9:12am | IP Logged
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I'm just so glad to hear that others have boys like this. I get so worried about this one and think, "What kind of husband is this child going to make someday?"  I'm know Christ can change his heart, but you know, that doesn't always happen either! I tell my husband, "We all know people who are just jerks, you know? Jerks were children once too!" 
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Melanie
homeschooling Maria (13yo), Kain (10yo), Jack (5yo), Tess (2yo), and our newest blessing, Henry Robert, born 4/23!
slightlycrunchycatholic.blogspot.com
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Kathryn
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| Posted: Nov 18 2009 at 6:47pm | IP Logged
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Also, wanted to add that I've allowed tv more than I'd like too so lately I've been checking out more school-y type dvd's from the library. Today he watched one about Jamestown. I also have one on multiplication and phonics words. He's also been known to want to watch tv so bad, he'll even watch Little Bear with his 2 yo sister! Well, at that point, I figure Little Bear at least has some good teaching points so he can watch that one! LOL So, since this son of mine *loves* the tv, I've gotten much more vigilant about what I allow him to watch. Then we're signed up for Netflix so I can get lots of movies too when I'm looking for a longer stretch (read: my breather from him ).
And Melanie...ditto!
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(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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Willa
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Children don't have to watch TV to pick up things like that. That "brain out of the nose" comes straight out of Aliki's book on Mummies in ancient Egypt -- since that's how they got the bodies burial-ready! So bright kids will pick up strange ideas from anywhere!
The way you describe your son I sort of wonder if he is a sensory-seeker, that is, a kid who just has to touch and push against everything. On the internet it's sometimes described as a disorder but I think there are some kids firmly within the range of normal who just need to do things in a very active way in order to meet their need for touch. Some suggestions from online that I've found useful for a couple of my kids:
* Engage student in up and down movements (i.e. jumping rope, bouncing a ball, trampoline) to wake up student.
* Back and forth movements (i.e. swinging, sitting in rocking chair) may help calm student.
* Use stress balls, theraputty and fidget toys.
* Allow chewing on crunchy, chewy items (i.e. bubble gum in freezer, licorice sticks, pretzels, carrots).
* Designate an area in the room to stomp feet or pace.
* Never take physical education or recess away from a student (i.e. need deep pressure activities like running, jogging).
* Create heavy work activities (e.g. take down chairs in computer lab, take garbage out at lunch, take a pile of encyclopedia to library).
* Slowly move from extreme positions (i.e. sitting on floor to standing).
* Slow down our own movements.
* Use bands across front legs of desk.
* Have student sit on wiggle cushion or ball.
* Allow frequent breaks throughout the day.
* Have student jump on trampoline.
* Play games using repetitive alternating and rhythmic movement.
* Play on merry go round, ride roller coasters, hang upside down, play team sports, swim, twist chains of a swing and untwisting, go sledding, slide down water slides.
-----
One of my kids was soothed by being upside once in a while -- like hanging off the couch seat. And my present 6 year old does "battles" with me -- we have made a game of it but it's also therapeutic -- arm-wrestling, "hugging battles", "squeezing battles" -- we have a whole list of them but almost all of them let him get his extra energy out and meet his need for strong touch. I don't know if this would work for your kid -- mine is choleric-sanguine and loves games and "battles" (as long as he gets to win )
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Willa
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melanie
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This is very true, re: the sensory stuff...my 9yo is actually in OT, and part of what they do is sensory integration therapy. He is *very* sensory seeking. it's gotten somewhat better, either with age, or therapy, or both,,,,he used to flip upside down all the time, fall of furniture on purpose, chew on his clothes and chew up his fingers, chew up toys, make loud and stupid noises for no reason whatsoever, . Our trampoline has been good for him,,,he's kind of lazy sometimes about getting exercise if he doesn't have someone to play with him, but when he's having a rough day I will send him out with orders to jump on the trampoline and not to come back until he's good and sweaty.
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Melanie
homeschooling Maria (13yo), Kain (10yo), Jack (5yo), Tess (2yo), and our newest blessing, Henry Robert, born 4/23!
slightlycrunchycatholic.blogspot.com
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RA's Mom
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From what I've heard my husband was a very squirrelly little boy and now he's a bright, active man, a considerate husband, a conscientious dad.
Willa has great ideas for keeping little bodies moving.
I wonder if your son actually does need a little bit more structure in his home-school. I once heard a speaker about teaching boys who talked about trying to think like a video game, giving boys the sense of progressing through the levels. Time tests for math facts and reading comprehension (ie can you read the paragraph quickly and still get the right answers on the quiz?) could let him compete against himself while reinforcing skills in the curriculum. Also try to figure out if you could hook him with some puzzles – anagrams, crosswords, word searches. Busy work is good if he needs to stay busy.
Also, he'd probably need to be older before starting a service project, but I wonder if spending time with non-parental adults would help calm him. If he could read or say the rosary with a senior once a week and you talked up what a privilege it was to be able to help this person, he could probably sustain the kind of behavior for an hour that you could only dream about the rest of the week. Other wise he just wouldn't be grown up enough to the job and that would be too bad but a natural consequence...
And on the subject of natural consequences, keep explaining to your son that no one is obligated to play with him, and that, yes, other people might not like his way of playing. If he wants to play with them he might need to try their way.
Prayers for peace.
Karen
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saigemom
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Have you ever read the book The five love langues?
He seems like he receives love through physical touch. He is seeking that out and feels that he is not receiving love w/out it.
There was a great part in there where a mom realized that was her son's way of receiving love. She was washing dishes and he kept poking and squeezing her. She had the same feelings as you, but in that moment responded with physical touch. The reaction was positive and he actually calmed down some after. The book talked about how dads wrestling with their sons is a great way to meet this need. Just one example.
Anyway, my dd is very much like that and I got a lot out of the book.
I second the normalcy (is that a word?) of the pulling the brain out the nose stuff. Most kids that have studied Egypt and mummies joke around about that at some point.
With school, my ds 10 was very like that at 7. He is extremely bright and so fought me on everything. I reevaluated my techniques. I had been sending him off on his own more than my other 2 b/c he could do the work. I also figured out that the work was too easy and that when I upped the level he was much more compliant b/c he wasn't so bored.
After using some online testing, I upped his math 2 levels. We started reading more REAL books and ditched the textbooks on a lot of subjects. I gave him lots of notebooks and pencils and freedom to express himself in his work. He learns so much better this way and we get along much better because he whines and complains to me less b/c he is excited to share what he is learning.
These are just things that have worked at my house. Hopefully some of it is helpful.
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LisaC
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This is a great thread, so many good insights and ideas. Thanks Liz, for being brave enough to post about this (and using the word 'annoying' in your subject, it will be easy to find!  ) Obviously, you are not alone! I have 3 boys and though a lot of their behavior is 'normal', it is still so hard to 'get' or understand from a female perspective. Yes, annoying fits the types of behavior around here quite often!
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Lisa in Colorado
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Advice please re: annoying child
