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Cay Gibson
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I've been feeling sad lately. I'm sure it's hormonal so just bear with me. 
I've been walking the track at our local rec center and I ran into a fellow Catholic hsing mom whose husband died a couple years ago. She has done a complete turnaround. She parties, has tatoos, and is looking for a job.
One of my best friends has left her husband and their three children. She's lost a lot of weight and is dressing like a teenager and goes partying, etc.
There are many more stories but I think you get the picture.
When we were all married and having our babies, we were all together on this spiritual, domestic path. I still have many, wonderful lady friends in our hs group but I'm so sad about these who have cartwheeled off the path and seem to be loving and embracing this wild lifestyle.
My husband says it's their midlife crisis. Very scary if it is! 
But I'm so sad.
I'm sad when a stay-at-home mom leaves the homefront to work outside the home.
I'm sad when a homeschooling mom puts her children in school.
I know we don't live in an ideal world, it's hardly a utopia, certainly not mine. And I'll be the first to understand that sometimes a woman must find work outside the home and that even our ancestoral mothers worked in the fields and couldn't always be home. I also understand and sympathetize when children are put into school. A couple of mine went through the school system at different times.
Again, life is not ideal, but I love my homelife. Absolutely love it! I don't exactly *like* housecleaning but I do it as a prayer. I like planning and fixing meals. I like balancing the budget. I love reading domestic blogs and books. I love simply staying home and being. I ask for nothing more, nothing less.
I know everyone can't and won't think the way I do but I'm trying to understand how a woman can go from loving to be home with her family to completely embracing the modern world, party-scene and all!
It makes me sad.  Guess it's my own mid-life crisis. Or I'm just very old-fashion.
Thanks for letting me spend some nostalgic time here this morning.
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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MaryM
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 , Cay.
Cay Gibson wrote:
| I know everyone can't and won't think the way I do but I'm trying to understand how a woman can go from loving to be home with her family to completely embracing the modern world, party-scene and all! |
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I don't understand it either. It makes no sense to me...but alas I have seen some similar situations myself. So I all I can say is I empathize, yet have no answers.
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Mary M. in Denver
Our Domestic Church
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Angie Mc
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Cay, I'm sorry that you are sad - I'm with you . Growing up...change...includes many losses. I've been thinking on this topic a bit myself. It pains me, yet I understand, that Our Lord asks us to suffer, to carry a cross, which can include the loss of dreams - such as that of being a wife or a stay-at-home mom or a homeschooling mom or a foster mom or a mom, period. Yet, when a woman is asked and accepts the cross, there is a feeling of rightness about it that sees the loss, which includes saddness...grieving. In my mind and heart, this is different from a "joyful" rejection of our "domestic self" or of the fulfillment of our vocation, although I wonder if our hurt can pain us so much that we cover it up with shenanigans. Like you, I don't judge others harshly when I see this happen to a friend - that would be easier on me - to be angry and righteous (ahhhh for my youth and ignorance!) At this phase in my life, I become sad...sometimes deeply sad. I really can't explain it, but I feel it. Are we grieving losses for others who are unable to grieve?
On the other hand, I do find myself needing to lighten my load...to enjoy life...to counter balance difficulties that life can throw at you mid-life. I'll shy away from parties, tatoos, and other like options  to watch movies, go to baseball games, and participate in general silliness like "Talk Like a Pirate Day" tomorrow (no time to link - sorry.)
I'm praying for all of us who are struggling...
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Martha in VA
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MaryM wrote:
, Cay.
Cay Gibson wrote:
| I know everyone can't and won't think the way I do but I'm trying to understand how a woman can go from loving to be home with her family to completely embracing the modern world, party-scene and all! |
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I don't understand it either. It makes no sense to me...but alas I have seen some similar situations myself. So I all I can say is I empathize, yet have no answers. |
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You know, I've decided that, even for those of us who are gifted domestically (and I don't believe I am) being at home all day can be really hard. 24/7 mommy-hood is just hard. Keeping my house orderly and neat (which I DON't do well) is just hard. Keeping everyone fed, clean (or not so clean  ) is hard.
I don't believe I do a good job at my vocation. I constantly feel that i'm failing my family. I'm definitely a work in progress. Still, I would choose to be no where else.
I guess I'm just thinking out loud here and expressing that I can understand why some women would choose a different lifestyle. A good friend of mine who has recently had to go back to work part-time so their family can make it financially commented to me just this week that her days at work are definitely not as hard as her days at home with her children.
Cay, I think some of the behaviors you are seeing in your friends is a mode of escape. I can't imagine choosing to dress like I'm 16 and partying it up instead of going to change the poopy diaper currently awaiting me in the next room. Despite my failures, my life is so joyfully full and I'm so grateful. Now, about that diaper........ 
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JodieLyn
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Ok to start with I'm past the silly stuff, btdt and not interested in finding it again.. except maybe privately with my dh
But after losing the baby this summer and the health struggles I've had. I've been losing weight (in a healthy way) and really feeling better.. I'm still struggling with some PPD but when I'm feeling good, I feel energetic and in some ways younger and I can tell that I'm lighter.. and it's a GOOD feeling. A very good feeling.. I really like that feeling. I'm actually eating less junk and controling portion size even more than I did before when I started losing weight because the feeling is so good that I don't want to give it up for that extra treat or another serving.
Now not to be confusing.. I am not really thin or anything.. just a bit lighter than I was and I was getting uncomfy with that size.. in that I could identify that some things were harder because of my weight and I didn't like that.
It would be easy to let finding that type of feeling become addicting.. it really would.. and most of those things that have been mentioned are generally things that make some people feel younger and just *good*.. and so some people may start pursuing those to gain the feeling.. the end justifying the means. Now not everyone would have the same things that make them feel that way.. and it can certainly be healthy to do good for you things that give you that feeling. But sometimes the "high" of that feeling can drag people into foolishness.
The question I have is.. if your 12 and under daughters comment *That's CUTE Mom!* about a top you're wearing.. is that a good thing or a bad thing (nice top or foolishness). I needed a couple of new tops this summer and I found one.. a tank top that I knew would need some work to make it modest.. a tuck here or there or something.. and it was out of character in a bright lime green, but it was not long after my miscarriage and it just seemed such a cheerful color that I really wanted it anyway. And that bright colored top still makes me smile.. and I was fussing with it trying to find something to work better.. and I pulled out a close fitting white tee I use under other tops.. and put it on with this top.. I thought it looked pretty.. you couldn't see the neckline in front (the tank has a higher neck) but the shoulders and sleeves and part of the back showed. I need to wear it when I can ask my dh and my sister what they think But I found a small scarf in that same bright green that used to be in the kids dress up.. and I've snitched it to wear as a headband with my bright green top.  Worn with jeans it looks nice, I think.. now to find out if it's nice or just foolishness
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hylabrook1
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i know what you mean, Cay. The soul-mates of my younger days, at least some of them, seem to look at me as if I'm something quaint. They have moved *beyond* the kids and home thing; it's almost like they look with pity, thinking that I just refuse to *get it*. Still, I think I'm being honest with myself; I don't think I stay absorbed in the home and family (and homeschooling) things because I'm sticking my head in the sand. It's not just a season of my life - it's who I really am, what I am really called to. But, like anything else, we are not all called to the same thing. Some of the things you mentioned with ladies you know don't sound like ANYONE is actually called to by God, and I"m sure I don't know where those people are coming from. I do feel confident in my lifestyle, as I'm sure you and others here do, but I find myself grieving a lot lately over what *used to be* in relationships with some women I have known over the course of many years. Maybe it's hormones, like you said, Cay, or maybe it's the days getting shorter and I mostly need some extra sunlight , but the things you've shared strike a chord with me.
Peace,
Nancy
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guitarnan
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I take it as a compliment when my dd thinks my clothes are cute. (I'm so much, uh, wider than she is that she can't swipe them like she does my shoes, LOL!)
I feel sad when friends turn to the partying single life or, even worse, when my military friends transfer to new duty stations and their wives no longer will move to be with them. What message does that send their children? It's awfully sad.
I try hard to reflect every day on the joy I experience being at home with my children - my house is mega-messy, but I get lots of hugs from both my children. Priceless! On the sad days (like after yesterday's call from a friend whose wife and children moved to her home country in Europe while he moved here), I pray a lot. More than a lot. Prayers for them, prayers for us, prayers of thanksgiving and petition.
One of the greatest things I've gained from all of you is a profoundly deeper and richer prayer life. It's made such a huge difference!
So, Cay, if you're confused about the motivations of partying moms, I am, too, and about the wives who value a location more than a relationship - because financial issues aren't causing the separations - it's hard. We can be confused together.
Nancy, I understand what you're saying too - those looks like, "Your son's a senior, so why are you still staying home?" I still like going to the dance classes and Scout meetings and helping out there...why should I do anything else?
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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SeaStar
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This topic is dear to me... someone mentioned that others see her as "quaint" because she stays home. I'll take it a step further... most of my family and the neighbors think I am plain *weird* for doing it.
Our society places so little value on the whole concept of staying home and tending to your family. So little. Everywhere- magazines, TV, books- you get bombarded with the message of having "me" time and "realizing your potential". You have to be slim/look young/ be trendy/go to work... or else. Or else what? Or else somehow you are not real. Or good enough. It's no wonder most women these days are confused.
Well, hogwash to all that! Isn't your family like a garden? How can it grow if no one tends it?
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JodieLyn
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You know, it really helps that I am surrounded by people who do place value on a SAHM.. I don't run into any any of that.. you're so weird stuff.. except from true outsiders. Though I have had people amazed that we can afford that (I say we can't afford for me to work) but that's just it.. they're supportive of me being able to do so even if they can't understand how to make it happen for them.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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Angie Mc
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SeaStar wrote:
| Everywhere- magazines, TV, books- you get bombarded with the message of having "me" time and "realizing your potential". You have to be slim/look young/ be trendy/go to work... or else. Or else what? Or else somehow you are not real. Or good enough. It's no wonder most women these days are confused. |
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Something new and somewhat confusing to me is what I see locally as an increase in young women who are slim/young/trendy/gym-goers/political activists/ambitious/ministry leaders/etc. *and* homeschooling...sorta like homeschooling is cool or a different way of "having it all"? There seems to be a lack of value of the domestic self/staying at home in this scenario as well. It has been implied to me that I don't get out of the house enough...don't contribute to the community enough...
But I like being home . It is hard work to stay home but I've become better at it. Martha, was it you who shared that going to bed tired from work well done was a good thing (compared with seeing being tired as always a negative thing)? I see this as true. I like being surrounded by the people I love, getting better at my work, nurturing friendships with other women who live in a similar way. My dh and dc like this too.
One of the reasons why I love this community is because no matter what stage I'm in, I'm never alone. The door is open here for me to connect.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Cay Gibson
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Angie Mc wrote:
| Like you, I don't judge others harshly when I see this happen to a friend - that would be easier on me - to be angry and righteous (ahhhh for my youth and ignorance!) |
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Oh, indeed! This is exactly what keeps me from being judgemental...besides the fact I don't want anyone juding me. In my younger college days, I thought stay-at-home moms were the dinosaurs. There's that never-say-never. Andrew Pudewa even says he never wanted to teach violin or writing. He ended up doing both.
Still...
I hope this doesn't mean I might someday become a partying, tatooed girl. I doubt it though. Since I was young I relished in being home. I wanted baby brothers and sisters. I loved my books. I loved my home. Still do... 
Angie Mc wrote:
On the other hand, I do find myself needing to lighten my load...to enjoy life...to counter balance difficulties that life can throw at you mid-life. I'll shy away from parties, tatoos, and other like options to watch movies, go to baseball games, and participate in general silliness like "Talk Like a Pirate Day" tomorrow (no time to link - sorry.)
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Exactly! I'm the same way. Lighten my load. Has a life-altaring truth to it. Guess I have officially crossed over into the second half of my life.
Martha in VA wrote:
| You know, I've decided that, even for those of us who are gifted domestically (and I don't believe I am) being at home all day can be really hard. ... I don't believe I do a good job at my vocation. |
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Me either, Martha. But I still do the best I can...and I do believe it's what God wants. It's imperfect so I offer it to God and pray for him to bless it and make it holy. I pray he makes it so because I'm so domestically challenged and faulty. 
Martha in VA wrote:
| Cay, I think some of the behaviors you are seeing in your friends is a mode of escape. |
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I agree, Martha. For myself...books, babies, picnic blankets, cups of coffee, cooking/baking with my girls, blogs and computer time are perfectly comfortable, delightful modes of escape....and my family does not suffer.
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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MarilynW
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Thanks Cay for starting this thread - what great discussion. I want so much to write but the babies need me. I look forward to reading and hopefully joining in.
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Marilyn
Blessed with 6 gifts from God
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Bookswithtea
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I have had three friends, dear friends that I thought I knew very deeply, walk away from Christ entirely. They continued to homeschool but now spend their time with the non-religious hsing crowd. One of them has an axe to grind as well. Blogs can be a wicked format.
And last January, with some heavy encouragement from a very dear friend, I signed up with facebook to get back into contact with a small group of friends from my college days. We were tight, and passionate about God, spent hours in bible study, talking about changing the world for Christ, etc. I couldn't believe it when I read their walls. Most of them were politically very liberal and well, after about 2 weeks, I decided that if these people actually *knew* me now, I don't know that they would want to be my friend, no matter what our past!
It was very unnerving, to say the least.
There is a really poignant kind of sadness that comes from knowing someone well and then seeing them just completely take a different direction. Cay
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Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and  due 9/10
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guitarnan
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I would like to think that if my high school and college friends knew me now, they would nod their heads and see how I got from there to here.
Most friends I've reconnected with after a lapse of many years are not surprised to find me teaching Saints of the New World or Skyscraper Construction at co-op. They aren't amazed to discover that I've channeled my interests the way I have. (Well, my stint working in the bus parts warehouse was a detour...but...I got to learn all about Freemasonry, well in advance of Dan Brown's new book! )
Seriously, I think it took me quite a few years to listen to my heart and decide that no matter what, I had to be at home, and to be so sure of that calling that I was willing to do whatever it took to make that happen. The Good Lord looked after my early SAHM efforts and then led my husband toward homeschooling - it is all his fault! This is a path I was called to, really and truly, and it was totally obvious that God wanted us to do this. (Long story!)
I have not worried much about old friends' opinions, because I felt so called to homeschool in spite of myself. I hope that somehow my life can help them see that trusting in God's plan can bring about amazing things. I envisioned myself teaching in a classroom some day, not at home, yet here I am. I hope some of those old friends can see without me telling them that this is what I am supposed to do right now.
Like others who've contributed to this thread, I am not shy about admitting my imperfections (the Flylady would cringe if she came to my house!), but I am working to improve...and remembering that St. Therese offered up every little thing for Jesus.
Taking joy from everyday things makes such a difference. I laugh and rejoice at my daughter's huge vocabulary - "I can't identify with the protagonist!" is not something I would have said at her age (11). My son hugs me every day and he towers over me. We laugh at Veggie Tales jokes from six or seven years ago.
Back when I was a working mom, it was hard to find time to enjoy those moments AND remember them. We did have joyful times...but now they're here with me all the time, and we remember the truly funny moments together.
God is so good.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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KackyK
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About two years ago I was shocked when an older cousin, who I thought I knew, left her dh and admitted she had been having an affair. She has 3 children, with the youngest then being a 9th grader. She has since married this other man (who was her high school sweetheart by the way).
Anyways, I was sad because all I heard from her on her reasoning was she wasn't "happy" and with this new man, she was happy again. It was all about her happiness. Everyone kept saying to her, well you have to do what makes you happy.
But I kept questioning...what does that mean? What is this "happiness" she wanted? I think happiness is a term that is overused and truly should mean something deeper than what most use it to mean. I think being happy, to me, is serving and doing my duty and yep, sometimes I don't like it, but I do it...so that in and of itself makes me happy. Where has duty gone?
Don't get me wrong, generally I'm "happy" in the more emotional department and doing my duty, carrying out my vocation, does bring me the "feel good" happy too.
I just think that what is sad is that so many people today seem to not want those duties or get tired of their vocations It's not very encouraging to us who keep on going.
When I feel discouraged, or start feel that self-pity (a case of the "when do I gets") I remember something a friend told me. She was actually speaking in context of a conversation on being open to life. She said that this is just temporary, this time here. Our true happiness, OUR time will be eternity. We do this to get that eternity.
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KackyK
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Cay Gibson
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Late night thought...hubby got called out to work so I'm puttering...
Domestic satisfaction must be found in the spiritual realm or it becomes meaningless servitude. Right? Why do we do this? Why do we embrace it? Why do those of us who really don't *like* housecleaning, etc. love this lifestyle so much?
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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JodieLyn
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Kacky, I like explaining that they're trading lasting joy for transitory "happiness".
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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KackyK
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There ya go Jodie.
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KackyK
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Marcia
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Thank you Cay. I have those same feelings.
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Marcia
Mom to six and wife to one
Homeschooling 10th, 7th, 5th, 2nd, PreK and a toddler in tow.
I wonder why
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Stephanie_Q
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Cay Gibson wrote:
| Domestic satisfaction must be found in the spiritual realm or it becomes meaningless servitude. Right? Why do we do this? Why do we embrace it? Why do those of us who really don't *like* housecleaning, etc. love this lifestyle so much? |
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This thread caught my attention b/c I've been reading "Holiness for Housewives" and listened to a tape borrowed from my priest by Dia Boyle called "Homemakers, Housework, and Heaven"
She addresses an article by a woman who felt the necessity of quitting work to stay home with her kids and was looking forward to playdates and friendships with other moms - and was disillusioned when she couldn't keep up with all the work and after all the other moms went back to work, she did, too (and was much happier, of course).
She emphasizes that if God has called us to this vocation it is the way He wants us to seek His kingdom. He wants us to be good homemakers and carry out our daily work well. I suppose we love this lifestyle because we have embraced it as God's will.
For the women who have returned to work, she made a good point: Many women become SAHM's without realizing that they are not quitting work, but are taking on a new, different kind of work. You wouldn't leave banking to become a nurse without training - we need to educate ourselves and each other to do the work God is calling us to well by cultivating friendships and supporting each other.
She talks about how the practical aspect of homemaking is perfected by grace: [GRACE PERFECTS NATURE] and emphasizes: We are not called just to be good homemakers, but Christian homemakers.
She gives examples of how to love God (morning offerings, doing work according to a schedule so we're not doing it when it pleases us, but when we ought to do it in order to please God, offering each task as a prayer and bring our work to prayer - asking God for help in getting it all done)
She also talks about how we must love our neighbor - family 1st - doing our work with a spirit of service; then she repeats that while doing our work efficiently may give us time to volunteer at the food pantry, for example, we should not forget our fellow homemakers as neighbors who need that love - and who is more available and qualified to take a meal after a baby is born and other such things...than those of us who are homemakers?
By bearing each others' burdens as well as helping each other learn to be better homemakers - both in practical and spiritual terms, we help each other embrace the work of homemaking.
Sorry if this was too rambling - I'm still sorting it out from the notes I took and it's late...
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Stephaniedh 6.01
dd 6.02, dd 8.03, ds 3.05, ds 12.06 at Catholic school.
dd 12.09 at home.
Baby boy due 10.13
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Embracing Our Domestic Self
