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Molly Smith
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I'm not sure where to put this, so feel free to move it.
My dd13 really wants to go to school next year (9th grade). She's a good kid, does well with homeschooling, loves her siblings, has great relationship with dh and me, has lovely friends. She's just pained by being "the only one" of her friends left at home. She wants the daily interaction with other kids (six siblings isn't enough  ). She's great at art, music and drama and the school would offer things that I haven't been able to, or feel I can't, provide to her at home.
I don't want her to go, but I don't want her to be unhappy either. Her nature is so different from mine--I'm such a homebody and would have love to have been homeschooled. I know it's dh's and my decision whether she goes or not ultimately, but how heavily should her wishes be weighed? I'm not looking for her approval or anything, I know that I am the parent and I need to do what I feel is best for her. I've been battling this for months now and she is showing much maturity in her thought process and her respectful arguments. Sigh... I just don't know what to do.
Anyone been here? I really need help thinking this through. Our local high school is full of Christian students and teachers. I know lots of faithful Catholics there and quite a few former Catholic homeschooled students.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Baby's up, so I must go. Please, if you've been down this road, please chime in.
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Molly Smith in VA
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Paula in MN
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My dd10 is starting to go through this right now. I know it is caused by my ds7 attending the local public school. We are talking to her about it and praying.
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 Paula
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Mary G
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Molly ... you might want to look (and pray about) why you don't want her to go -- financial, academic, social or family reasons come to mind. These are all good and valid reasons and should be explained to your daughter ...
But if the reason you don't want her to go to school is because you'll miss her or it's because you've always wanted to homeschool them all the way thru ... maybe you need to let go and let this happen.
My thing about homeschooling is that I will do it for and with all of my children until something better comes along ... when another option arises, dh and I prayerfully consider it and try to think what is best for each child.
For instance, my 10 yos REALLY wants to go to JPtheGreat in 4 years ... he's doing Seton this year to see if he likes the regularity and scheduled-ness of it all (so far, the jury is still out  -- he misses the fun stuff I'm doing with the other two!). But JPtheGreat would be a great option for him ... especially since dh would be there too.
Hugs and prayers and blessings and more hugs, too. It's not an easy decision but know that if you put it in prayer, you'll know the best path to take.
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Molly Smith
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Mary G wrote:
| But if the reason you don't want her to go to school is because you'll miss her or it's because you've always wanted to homeschool them all the way thru ... maybe you need to let go and let this happen. |
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Um, you may have hit on something  . There are some other reasons, but I've always thought we'd homeschool all the way through--and certainly that will remain the plan with the other children until something changes. I feel like a failure, that I couldn't instill the love of home and family enough to make her want to stay home. Don't get me wrong, she's a lovely girl, not troublesome or rebellious, she just wants to be with more people. My heart just aches at the thought of sending my baby off into the world.
Of course, none of it is a done deal. I have a feeling my dh will have more than a few objections. But if I just can't do it, then I can't (profound, huh?). I don't want to be so stressed trying to meet her needs that the other kids don't get the best of me. I know I'm not saying this well and hope it's not coming off wrong. It's been a really sad day for me today and my emotions are in control.
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Molly Smith in VA
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PDyer
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I'll be praying for you, Molly. We sent our son to school three months after I wrapped my mind around the idea of homeschooling all the way through high school. But it was very, very clear to us that sending him was the right thing to do, and he's doing well, almost two years later. It's tough, I know. 
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Mary G
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Molly Smith wrote:
I feel like a failure, that I couldn't instill the love of home and family enough to make her want to stay home. Don't get me wrong, she's a lovely girl, not troublesome or rebellious, she just wants to be with more people. My heart just aches at the thought of sending my baby off into the world.
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But, I don't think you have failed ... you've given her the tools she needs (and is obviously using) to rationally and logically explain to you her reasons. It doesn't sound like rebellion but rather a quest toward something more, especially if she can focus on things you can't teach her as well at home ... She sounds more like you've taught her what she needs and now she knows that she needs that elsewhere.
Now, please don't get me wrong -- I've made big blunders in this area; in hindsight, there were times I should have held the line and continued homeschooling with my older two, and didn't. But at the time, it was the right thing to do.
Hugs and prayers and more prayers!
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Lara Sauer
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Not knowing anyone involved in this scenario personally...and that MIGHT change my perspective...I would like to add that I think that it is totally appropriate for the parents to decide where his/her child goes to school. PERIOD.
In my humble opinion, a 13 year old has NO idea what he/she needs for the betterment of her soul and her education. 13 year olds, practically by definition, have not reached the levels of critical thinking skills necessary to be able to look at this issue from every angle...that is why they have parents.
The primary rule of life that I have for my children (and for myself) is for the child to recognize ONE simple fact...NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO IN LIFE, YOU TAKE YOU WITH YOU! If you can't be happy in silence with yourself, you won't be happy in a crowd either.
If you only have a "heart" reason for wanting to homeschool her, and not a "head" reason...or vice versa, but you are in agreement with your husband, then that is sufficient. In the end, it would be my opinion that after discernment and prayer with your husband, that you inform your daughter where she will be attending school next year.
As I said, however, only you know your own situation, so please take what I say with a grain of salt...I just thought I would chime in because my opinion appears to be very different from Mary G.
Praying for you as your discern God's will in your life.
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MarilynW
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Lara Sauer wrote:
Not
In my humble opinion, a 13 year old has NO idea what he/she needs for the betterment of her soul and her education. 13 year olds, practically by definition, have not reached the levels of critical thinking skills necessary to be able to look at this issue from every angle...that is why they have parents.
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I so agree with what Lara says. The period from ages 12 to 14 in a teenage girl can be one of intense emotions, changeability, ups and downs. Also the ages when a girl is most likely to conform to peer pressure. I am not sure that my dd - who is very mature and level headed generally - really knows what she wants as she has see-sawing emotions. I would not want her to be in an environment with lots of other teenage girls in the same emotional stage.
Molly - following our emails earlier - I don't know if you get the Seton Home School newsletter - I just received mine for Sept and have been reading it when nursing - Ginny Seuffert (who I really like) has written an article - something in it really caught my attention:
....Homeschooling is not essentially about better academics, or remaining safe from drugs and promiscuity. Home education is ultimately about the souls of our children....Teaching our children at home is the single most important action we can take to ensure that we pass on our Catholic values to our children......
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Bookswithtea
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Molly, do you think you could start talking with her about different options in a non-scarey kind of way? Maybe you could talk about what kinds of courses she would have at school, but also, what kinds of things would she like to study if she continues to stay at home? Is it possible that continuing to homeschool would allow her the freedom to follow passions that the time involved in school won't allow? Because girls can be volatile at this age, I would want to present the best foot forward for homeschooling, accentuating positives that she may not have thought about. Also, present to her the idea that homeschooling for high school is generally quite different from the earlier years. Maybe she is tired of the "same-old" and wants some new adventure? Sometimes continuing to homeschool plus finding the right outside activities can help to keep a young teen content.
If her main motivation is that she doesn't want to be the only one left at home? Sigh...that's a hard one, a road I have walked these last two years. I think there is some wisdom in what Marilyn and Lara have shared, particularly if this is the heart of the issue.
Pray, pray, pray. I wouldn't have too many discussions with dd about it, though. Ultimately, this is a decision for you, dh and the Holy Spirit. She should be praying for God's will and for wisdom for you and dh as you make the final determination, not just for what she thinks she wants.
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MarilynW
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Bookswithtea wrote:
Molly, do you think you could start talking with her about different options in a non-scarey kind of way? Maybe you could talk about what kinds of courses she would have at school, but also, what kinds of things would she like to study if she continues to stay at home? Is it possible that continuing to homeschool would allow her the freedom to follow passions that the time involved in school won't allow?
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Wonderful words of wisdom Books. Home schooling has such incredible freedom and flexibility and potential for growth- that a regimented school routine does not. You could also mention taking the school bus at 6.00am - my dd would certainly be horrified at that!!
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Cay Gibson
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Molly,
You and I are a lot alike...and so are our dds. 
I went thru this w/ my dd (12 next month) a few years ago. i guess she was about 9 or so.
As much as I have a love/hate relationship w/ our co-op, it was the cure. Every Monday we load up and take the whole kitchen sink for a day of co-op, 7:45-3:45. This is what her day looks like:
Chelsea Gibson
8:00-9:00 First Form Latin
9:05-10:05- Art
10:10-10:55 Literature/Grammar-Jr. High
11:00-12:00-IEW writing course
12-12:45-LUNCH
12:45-1:40 Science
1:45-2:45 LA History
2:45-3:45 Help in Nursery w/ babies
She is perfectly happy, perfectly content now and LOVES hsing.  Sometimes we moms have to step outside our comfort zone to serve our children. Matter of fact, it's almost a constant sacrifice, isn't it?
I'm just glad I didn't give in the one year she really wanted to go. How could I have forseen what the good Lord had planned for us.
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Bookswithtea
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You know, I have a love/hate relationship with coop, like Cay. Coop did not work for my high school aged boy whose friends were all "formerly homeschooled". I managed to keep him *barely* content with the "homeschooling allows you to follow your passions. Your friends often miss out on the activities you are able to attend because of homework and early classes the next day" line of thinking. And ultimately, we told him that we had prayed about it and that our local high school was not an option for him for 9th and 10th, so he would have to take it up with God.
Coop is a big part of what keeps my 12 yr old dd content. Its just enough of lunchboxes, friends in the hallways, classes in common, and sleepovers after classes (kids commonly go home with each other's friends). She doesn't have any desire to go to a traditional school.
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Sarah
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Molly, my ds 13 is a great kid but often has a case of the grass is greener. He often thinks everyone else has it better than he does. It can be so discouraging, for him and for me who is trying so hard.
I think sometimes there is no cure for that longing a teen has. Many times people blame homeschool and think school is the cure. But it might just be that restless that teens get. They are out of sorts, even when they are good kids.
Does she have any potential friends that you could start inviting over or meet as a small group as a get together somewhere? Could you start a weekly sewing club or some other simple club where several girls ages 12 to 14 or so could meet? A book club? Is there any potential friend?
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Molly Smith
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Sarah wrote:
Molly, my ds 13 is a great kid but often has a case of the grass is greener. He often thinks everyone else has it better than he does. It can be so discouraging, for him and for me who is trying so hard.
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This is a good point, Sarah. I've heard some of her friends complaining about homework already and it's only the second week of school here. She already sees her best friend, and several others, twice a week at dance class, plus a few co-op friends on Mondays.
I think she and I will sit down today to discuss options: full time school, part time enrollment (we can do 2 classes with limited extracurriculars), full time enrollment with Kolbe (to keep the public option open) and subbing out with classes from our current co-op or other local classes.
Then I thought we'd write our prayers together, asking for God's will to be done and for wisdom in making the decision (thanks, Books).
THank you all so much for your support and encouragement. Like everyone, I just want to do the right thing. I just never thought I'd come to such a crossroads as this.
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Molly Smith in VA
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Mary G
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Molly ... you also might try to see if she can "shadow" for a day ... I know with my neice, once she saw that they sit and move from class to class and there is no freedom, she decided against pushing to go to "real" school
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sewcrazy
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We have a 16 yos in school and a 15 yos horrified at the idea of going to school.
The decision to send my oldest to school was dificult and 2 years later I am still not completely at peace with it, but it was the best of poor options at that time.
My 15 yos has the best line for anyone that asks if he wants to go to "real" school: "Why would I want to ruin a perfectly good childhood that way ?!"
You need to pray and make the best decision you can for your individual family and for this particular child. Seasons change, and the "best solution" isn't always the same year after year.
Good luck to you!
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donnalynn
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Bookswithtea
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donnalynn wrote:
That's where I felt her input was appropriate - but whether or not she would go to the public high school that decsion was for dh and I to make and we finally just had to make that clear. |
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This is really good advice, I think.
donnalynn wrote:
If I could do one thing over - I would have used more phrases like ...I will have to think about that...I will have to discuss that with your father....We'll talk later. I was definately too much on the defensive - I took it too personally that she wanted to go to high school. I *felt* rejected and needed to give myself more space to work through those feelings. Too many times I reacted or spoke too quickly.
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I think I was guilty of taking my ds's criticisms too personally as well. This is great advice, too.
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Cay Gibson
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Molly Smith wrote:
| I've always thought we'd homeschool all the way through--and certainly that will remain the plan with the other children until something changes. I feel like a failure, that I couldn't instill the love of home and family enough to make her want to stay home. |
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Molly, I've been meaning to come back here to let you know how humbling and, at the same time, refreshing it is for so many to see that you are having this same struggle within your home...and having the courage to share it with us. You are not a failure. You are a mother who wants the best for your child. Thank you for sharing your love and desire for home and family and daughter with all of us. Bless you!
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Cay Gibson
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teachingmom
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Molly,
I can relate very well with what you have written. My oldest was feeling exactly like your dd when she was her age. Dh and I have always felt that public high school is not an option for our family, and she knew that. But she approached us and asked to be allowed to apply to Seton in Manassas.
It was so hard for me to allow her to do that. But on the other hand, I knew that there are few to no spots open for the upper grades at Seton because most children enter in 7th grade. In the end, after discussion with dh and prayer, we decided to let her apply. I warned dd that it would take multiple miracles for everything (being accepted as a 9th grader, finances, and transportation) to fall into place. We agreed to pray that if going to Seton was God's will for her, then all the details would work out.
Needless to say, she was wait-listed due to a lack of 9th grade openings. She was disappointed, of course, but got over it surprisingly quickly. A few weeks into her 9th grade year of homeschooling, she admitted to me that she was enjoying homeschooling after all and was glad that everything worked out as it had.
One thing I've done is to make the sacrifice (driving time and financial) to allow her to take some homeschool courses with other local kids. It has really filled a social need in her and helped a ton.
You may decide that sending your daughter to school is what God is calling you to - and I'd like to add that dd's closest friend is a wonderful, faith-filled, Catholic girl who attends our public high school - but I just wanted to share my experience in case you decide to keep her home for high school.
Praying for you as you discern all this!
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~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: sigh...dd wants to go to school
