Oh, Dearest Mother, Sweetest Virgin of Altagracia, our Patroness. You are our Advocate and to you we recommend our needs. You are our Teacher and like disciples we come to learn from the example of your holy life. You are our Mother, and like children, we come to offer you all of the love of our hearts. Receive, dearest Mother, our offerings and listen attentively to our supplications. Amen.



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kathleenmom
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Posted: Aug 18 2009 at 12:43pm | IP Logged Quote kathleenmom

....to plan, organize, declutter? I am wondering if it is simply the ages and stages of my family, or their temperaments....or the way we mesh as a family....but it seems like I can't carve out space in my days to do the things that require a modicum of peace and continuity of thought. Now, I'm not a newbie. I've been in the trenches for a few years...and I'm not even really complaining. Well, not a lot , but maybe it's also that I'm not well-suited to interruption and noise-pollution and this is part of the explanation for my lack of productivity. My thoughts are not coherent, bear with me.

What I mean is....I look at what other women with more children than I have myself, and a baby in tow in to the bargain, with husbands travelling and unavailabe for pinch-hitting who undertake and complete large decluttering and reorganizing projects, plan amazing things for the new school year, etc....

I'm lucky if I managed to get everyone's teeth brushed before lunch . I manage to keep from being buried beneath an avalance of dirty dishes and clothes, but deep cleaning does NOT happen with any regularity. My planning is helter-skelter, and it seems as though I am always treading water and distraught about alteast some aspect of my "behind-ness".

I've been valiantly attempting to "plan" school for the past several weeks, clean out the school room, and gear up. I thought about painting, but abandoned that project because I knew I just couldn't get it all done before our proposed back to school date. I'm still not done organizing the plans, my school room is gutted and I spend my days being cranky and guilty about my lack of productivity.

My kids just don't play well together. It is too hot this year to send them outside much. The only thing that brings peace is the DVD player and I have resorted to that weapon before, and over-used it and suffered the consequences. My four year old almost seems to only be able to decompress if I plop him on the couch in front of the DVD player/ TV. I've declared a prohibition. The DVD player really has to be all or nearly all or nothing in order to work in my house. It's too easy for me to get addicted to the peace it affords.

So, now we have turned the DVD player off. It's too hot to spend much time outside. The bigger kiddos are mostly independent, but the youngest three with the occasional older whirl around and into each other in a regular parade of quarrels and contretemps...each requiring my attention.

I don't even know what the point of this post is. Perhaps it is just a rant. Or, maybe I just wonder if it just my house that is this way. How do others of you manage to do things like plan and paint and reorganize with lots of little people underfoot?

Kathleen

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Posted: Aug 18 2009 at 12:53pm | IP Logged Quote amyable

I have kids the same ages as yours, and I will say that when I'm doing a big project - decluttering, whatever, the other things are NOT getting done. I don't have responsible olders to "keep others in line" (my oldest -11 - is not mature for that) plus the oldest two fight like cats and dogs when undirected together for too long. So dishes do pile up, school does not get done, etc

So usually my "projects" are either interrupted a million times like you said, and I just "deal" (however poorly) or I try to get them all to help. Now, this does not work when I'm trying to do homeschool planning - thus I don't plan very well unless I can get a rare free hour or so from dh. I tend to try to steal planning time at times like this - when I'm sitting next to the laptop and dd just woke up and wants to sit on me and do nothing. I can surf and think...

Can't wait to hear how others do it!

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Posted: Aug 18 2009 at 1:58pm | IP Logged Quote teachingmyown

Kathleen,
I am right there with you. Sometimes, I get so discouraged and upset. Other times, I just shrug it off as not something I can do.

I really think it is temperament and a foundation of skills. I don't have the temperament. I am very ADD and have no idea how to get my home to function well. Added to this is a basic lack of foundation. My mom isn't a great housekeeper and I don't know how to keep home. Now that there are eight kids, I really feel lost. I have friends with eight kids who paint and de-clutter and plan and coupon. But they have different temperaments.

Another thing that I have been thinking about as far as not having the foundation or knowing how to do this, is that growing up going to school, I never needed to learn how to manage my time, set goals and figure out how to reach them, etc. Maybe because school came so easily for me. Then when I worked, my objectives were laid out for me and I could go through the motions of getting my work done without planning on my part.

As a mom who has been in crisis mode for my whole married life, meaning pregnant, nursing, moving, troubled kid, etc., when things settle down I am at a loss as to what a normal, functional life looks like. Does that make sense?

Honestly, if I had the money, I'd hire a life coach. I worry about what I am passing on to my kids.

So, I'm no help, just a kindred spirit. Maybe someone can help us both.

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Cay Gibson
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Posted: Aug 18 2009 at 2:53pm | IP Logged Quote Cay Gibson

kathleenmom wrote:
....to plan, organize, declutter?


Definitely in spurts.

kathleenmom wrote:
My planning is helter-skelter, and it seems as though I am always treading water and distraught about alteast some aspect of my "behind-ness".


I think everyone of us has been there at one time. Some of us are still there. Do we ever fully arrive?

Even the ones you "think" have it together don't always and, if they do, it is only by the grace of God. I understand your discouragement...makes you feel "lesser" somehow.

But, remember, only you can give yourself permission to feel that way. In God's eyes you are "never" lesser.

I don't want to sound blunt (sorry ) but I won't tell you anything I haven't already told myself. Things like:

  • Get over it!
  • God loves me.
  • My family loves me.
  • I am not less of a wife or mother just because my such-and-such doesn't look that good.
  • My curriculum is just as good because I planned it and it works for my family.
  • My children are wonderful people!
  • I won't even go there!
  • (ETA: No one can do it all...including me!)


Look instead at your life and how beautiful and blessed and grand it is. Thank God each and every moment of the day for it because, if anyone of us doesn't, we are like a sulking child who is ungrateful to her parents for what has been given to her...given to her out of love and no other reason.

kathleenmom wrote:
I'm still not done organizing the plans, my school room is gutted and I spend my days being cranky and guilty about my lack of productivity.


Joyful spirit! Repeat that to yourself every day...morning and night are best.

Whether the dishes are washed/or aren't...be grateful. Whether the lesson plans get done/or not...be grateful. Whether the school room is painted/or not...be grateful.

You must keep a joyful spirit. If not inwardly, then outwardly. The inward spirit will follow in due time...God's time.

Some practical, hands-on things would be to:

  • Stop and Pray.
  • Buy a new planner.
  • Clean one corner, one drawer, one spot one countertop...you'll feel much better.
  • Cook a nice homecooked meal...with the children.
  • Go for a walk...as a family.


I am quite sure others have many more thoughts and suggestions.

kathleenmom wrote:
It's too easy for me to get addicted to the peace it affords.


I understand this as well and it's a good thing when our eyes are opened to it. None of us are immune to the temptations of modern day technology that affords us peace and quiet.

Your role, your duty as mother is to do something about it. Sounds like you're already there.

Become proactive. The two easiest things I have found for establishing proactive peace and quiet within my home are:

1) an art closet
2) cooking in the kitchen

Forget the messes these things bring. They wipe up quiet easily. At least, I think they do. And you can easily say a rosary while you clean the blessed mess up.

kathleenmom wrote:
How do others of you manage to do things like plan and paint and reorganize with lots of little people underfoot?


I find the ones who get the most done seem to be good at dictating, and I'm not saying that in an ugly way. My husband does this wonderfully well...and with humor. And he can get the children to do much more. I, on the otherhand, try to do everything myself so I don't inconvenience or burden anyone else. For years it made me a snapdragon. I let go of that years ago. I try to do my daily work now with a meek and humble spirit. I try. For several reasons: I am ever so grateful to be in this home serving this family, I believe in teaching by example, and getting annoyed is never a good thing for a joyful spirit.

Not sure if either temperament is a good thing either way. I guess either end can have bad results. Where's the balance? We must find a balance.

That's what we have to ask and pray God brings into our homes.

And, to bring this back to reality, our school day today was certainly not as pleasant as it was yesterday. And there is still a cluttered corner of my living room that sits smirkering at me. And the "school corner" I planned has yet to be used. And supper is not planned or cooked.

And here I sit.

Peaceful...because of the things I have accomplished and this is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad.

Thank you for your honesty, Kathleen, and just be glad, be thankful, be joyful for the here and now. None of us are promised more than that. No one ever has it fully together. No one is ever fully in control. And false impressions/assumptions are a thing the devil uses to pit us against ourselves.

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Posted: Aug 18 2009 at 3:24pm | IP Logged Quote Bethany

Thank you Cay !

Just what I needed to hear today. I read this post earlier and thought "Wow, that's me, what can I say but I'm right there with you."

I was just feeling bad after reading some other blog posts of school schedules that included the afternoon with lots of littles . And I worry that I'm a slacker because I just let mine play or listen to books on cd's in the afternoon.

But you're so right, what do I have to complain or worry about. This is something I have to constantly remind myself of, but so true.

When I'm feeling beat down, I have to remember all the women who would love to be at home, but cannot be, all the women who would love to have four little girls because they so badly want one, and all the people who would love to have my messy house because they don't have a home.

Ok, now I'm tearing up. Time to get up and get moving.

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Posted: Aug 18 2009 at 7:20pm | IP Logged Quote SusanJ

Kathleen,

I only have three but I feel like my life is similar to how you described at least half the time, if not more. It definitely goes in spurts. The good stretches are when I am making prayer a priority and getting up before my family in the morning. I have found that it does not matter at all what I do during the early morning time but something about my personality really needs that quiet space each day for at least thirty minutes.

Then my one tried and true method for getting back on track is to make a list of all the things I would like to have happen in my home on a regular basis. Sometimes this is just a list of habits and sometimes it is a schedule or order for the day/week. Then I adopt "baby steps" as my mantra. I work on one habit or schedule point each week. I make each new thing as small as possible so that I can really get it solid before moving on. So, for example, I first might work on getting up early each day. Then the next week I might add in prayer at a certain point each day. The next week I will try getting the beds made each day. Whatever you need for your family.

What Colleen said about the foundation lacking is very true for me, too. I can tolerate going really slowly with everything knowing that I am laying a somewhat permanent foundation.

Of course there are always things to derail us. In the last 2.5 years since I started this approach we have two new babies, two cross country moves and three job changes. But things are much better now than they could be if I hadn't put in all that slow work. Now that we're settling in again I'm looking forward to baby stepping towards order again.

Good luck--you have my prayers!

Susan

ETA: And what Cay said

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Cay Gibson
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Posted: Aug 18 2009 at 7:58pm | IP Logged Quote Cay Gibson

SusanJ wrote:
The good stretches are when I am making prayer a priority and getting up before my family in the morning.


My friend Karen arranged an Organizational Mother's Retreat for some of us earlier this month. It was a lovely experience. Ms. Bernadette consistently reminded us to "rise before our house" in the morning.

I find that hard to do when I'm the last one to fall at night. Anyone else?

As always, Sally Clarkson validates and lifts me up. Guess what was waiting in my Google Reader this afternoon? She wrote:

"Recently I just finished writing my book on joy which will be out in a few months. But I did learn so very much about Biblical joy. It is possible. God is a God of joy and the fruit of His spirit is joy. But I also learned that most of Biblical joy is not the absence of suffering, but the presence of God--the focus on eternity, the celebrating of life, and the living in the unconditional love and intimacy of our precious Lord." ~ Sally Clarkson

Another book you might like to check into is Passionate Housewives Desperate for God by Stacy McDonald. I've been enjoying it. It is not a warm fuzzy of a book but practically addresses the world in which we live and our role as wives/mothers within the home.

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Posted: Aug 18 2009 at 8:03pm | IP Logged Quote jdostalik

Cay,
Your post blessed me, today.
Praying for all moms who have these challenges, including myself!

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Posted: Aug 22 2009 at 2:54pm | IP Logged Quote kbaldwin

I can not agree with you more Susan a prayer life that is in order and even ten minutes to drink some coffee alone in the morning does amazing things for me. Also taking a tip from the FLY Lady and getting dressed to your shoes first thing in the am makes you ready for
bussiness. i resisted this for a long time but it helps ALOT. i understand and sympathize. I am having a hard time getting it together myself. i will be praying. Take things one step at a time and don't be so hard on yourself.

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Posted: Aug 22 2009 at 8:46pm | IP Logged Quote Waverley

Cay Gibson wrote:
My friend Karen arranged an Organizational Mother's Retreat for some of us earlier this month. It was a lovely experience. Ms. Bernadette consistently reminded us to "rise before our house" in the morning.

I find that hard to do when I'm the last one to fall at night. Anyone else?


I'm like you Cay - I'm the last one up at my house.

If I'm not mistaken the reasoning behind the advice to get up first in the morning is that by having some time alone you can collect yourself and prepare for the day ahead. I agree, but for me that time occurs at night. As soon as everyone is tucked in, I get ready for the next day. I set out lessons or activities for the next day, do a quick pick up of the living areas of the house, plan the next days dinner and whatever chores need to be done. I end with prayer time.

So I do recommend finding a quiet moment during the day. I also recognize that where that quiet time fits into each person's day is going to be different from person to person and for each person from season of life to season of life.

Good luck to you.

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Posted: Aug 22 2009 at 8:51pm | IP Logged Quote molly

I hear you friend! Really no one does it all, others may be more decluttered or well planned, but lacking in one of your AMAZING gifts.
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Posted: Aug 22 2009 at 8:52pm | IP Logged Quote JodieLyn

Waverly, I notice this when we stay at my ILs my MIL gets up and picks up all the little pieces and such first thing in the morning.. and I do the same type of collecting our stuff making sure everything is together, tossing in a load of laundry.. at night before I go to bed.

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Posted: Aug 22 2009 at 9:09pm | IP Logged Quote kathleenmom

I've been lying low and thinking many thinks over the last week or so.

Cay, while I'm not certain you answered my question...you certainly told me something I needed to hear. Thankyou. Thankyou, and thankyou again. Your post has been read and re-read many times in the last few days.

I've been thinking deeply about what shows up on the outside. It is not always what I want to portray. This is important. Long faces and distractedness....oh, my face burns. Thankyou Cay.

Thanks to all who took pains to reply. God bless you all.

This is the day the Lord has made. Let us be glad and rejoice in it, to quote Cay.

God bless,
Kathleen

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Posted: Aug 22 2009 at 9:31pm | IP Logged Quote JodieLyn

sometimes I let the daily stuff go to deal with a deeper issue.. I justify it that it will then make the daily stuff easier.

And sometimes dh will pick up the daily stuff for me while I work on a deeper task.

And sometimes I can manage directing kids and they'll keep going and get the daily stuff done while I do deeper issues.. sometimes that one doesn't work and it becomes the first

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Posted: Aug 25 2009 at 10:58pm | IP Logged Quote Stacy Y

Two resources that have been incredibly helpful to me are MOTH- Managers of thier homes and Fascinating Womanhoodby Helen Andelin, a mother of 8.

I am very disorganized by nature, grew up with a working mom who didn't really keep house, and am one of those who has been thrown into the "fast and furious" baby cycle... Having a loose schedule and a daily routine are SOOOOO important for me, and I schedule into my routine time for those extra projects or I spend my whole life drowning in dishes and laundry (resentfully, of course) and never get to anything I really want to do.

For painting, I prep while the kids are awake- wash walls, tape, patch, sand, and I'll do a coat of paint each night after they go to bed. Within a week, the project is done. I did my whole house this way over 6 months.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned is that if I never start anything, it's never going to get done. It sounds silly to write, but in my life, I couldn't figure out why I never seemed to get anything done and the reason was I never started! Now I will look at a looming project that seems impossible and instead break it down into bite-sized pieces over 1, 2, or 4 + weeks and at the end of that time it feels really good to cross it off my list. My husband actually taught me how to do this using David Allen's system. He manages enormous projects at work all the time, and told me that even though this system was designed for the corporate world, it could easily be traslated for use in the home. And it has made a really big difference in my life- I certainly don't get nearly as much done as I would like, but I do find life much more managable using this organizational system.

Helen Andelin's book and David Allen's book are usually avaliable at most libraries- I recommend them! Be inspired by those who have figured out a good system, and while each family is unique and individual, see if there are even one or two ideas that might translate into sucess in your home and make you feel less overwhelmed.

God Bless,

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Posted: Aug 27 2009 at 11:42am | IP Logged Quote Alcat

My favorite hs bit of advise:

You have three things to do each day- school the children, clean the house, and feed your family. If your husband comes home to a clean house and dinner on the table, he's gonna know you didn't do school that day

I worked REAL hard this summer to plan for 6wks of school. It took me 3-4 weeks to do this, and no nothing else got done except the bare minimum

I feel like that's just the way it's going to be for awhile with my small folks running around here demanding my attention

Alison

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Posted: Aug 27 2009 at 8:33pm | IP Logged Quote kbaldwin

dinner on the table, he's gonna know you didn't do school that day    i love that !!

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Cay Gibson
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Posted: Aug 28 2009 at 10:40pm | IP Logged Quote Cay Gibson

kathleenmom wrote:
Cay, while I'm not certain you answered my question...



I'm quite certain I didn't and I'm sorry about that. All I can say is that these exact feelings are what kept me skeptical of blogs at first...though I began my first blog way back in 2004 and was immediately smitten.

I thought of blogs like a Martha Stewart magazine. I saw blogs w/ lots of set-up, flowers, and loveliness...and no reality. And I was no Martha Stewart. My life looked anything but flowery.

Where was the reality in the lives of other homeschooling moms?

I soon came to realize that those flowers and loveliness were not a cover-up nor a disillusion but a symbol of something these bloggers wished to share with me more than the reality that is obviously in all of our lives.

I know the reality. We all know the reality. We need to look beyond it to find the grace.

Lissa wrote about it better than I ever could...beautifully: Real Life

She wrote: "The thing is, every day is complicated, messy, and full of friction. And every day has glorious or cozy moments worth celebrating. I seldom bother to chronicle the friction and the mess because writing time is fleeting and precious—and childhood even more so. I’d rather capture the small joys that I might forget—or take for granted—if I don’t take time to set them down in words.

"Life is messy, and complicated, and full of friction. That stable in Bethlehem must have smelled like manure. Was the manger clean?... But the parts of the Nativity story we celebrate are the shining star, and the awestruck shepherds, and the singing of angels. The image of the baby swaddled snugly, sleeping in the hay, with His mother smiling down at Him in wonder, oblivious to the muck and the grime and the prickling straw and the snorts of the livestock: that’s the image we’ve carried in our hearts for two thousand years. That doesn’t mean the muck wasn’t there. It’s just not the important part of the story, the thing worth holding on to. The muck is always there, always here. But so is the radiant star, the heavenly choir, the sleeping Child so full of promise and hope."


***

And, again, another blogger I admire and respect, Katherine shared the advice of her spiritual father ("Don't Complain"): Knit One, Purl One

It changed the way I view my reality. That's for sure. And I realized it simply isn't appropriate or worth complaining on one's blog. We are here to lift one another up. There's enough reality in the world. Our call is to point our children, our families, and others to heaven.

These fellow bloggers have blessed me more than anyone...even my family...knows. And I'm grateful.

This month we had some terrible stresses around here...health related, job related, and school related. You won't see them mentioned on my blog blog unless it's to request prayers or to find an uplifting message through my experience. Why? Because you all have your own stresses and trials. My crosses are not your crosses though we discuss and sympathize (and pray) for one another crosses. God wishes us to draw one another closer to Him, to lift one another up, not drag one another down.

We all see the mud and have to walk through it. But flowers grow in the mud and they are worth our time to look at and admire...and gather. We gather the messages in these blogs like we do flowers. We inhale them and are left with a lingering fragrance. The flowers serve a purpose. Trust me.

Enough contemplation. I'm quite certain, once again, I haven't been much help. Sorry...yet again. The other ladies are doing a great job w/ suggestions.

I've already mentioned some of the things I do but the biggest this month was decluttering. I have three lovely, decluttered spots in my house right now. People notice them when they walk into my home and, yes, I put them on my blog so, hopefully, others would feel tranquil when they saw them there as they do when they enter my house.

I haven't taken a picture of one corner of my living room which is holds what the computer desk coughed up when we moved it to my son's apartment...or a picture of my younger girls' room.

And I basically had no plans for school outside of co-op yet we started two weeks ago. I'm trying my best to keep track...honestly. But, in spite of myself, things are going along quite well and I'm thinking I might now have the energy (and time) to sit a moment and figure which direction we're going so it isn't so random. Maybe.

Again...I have too much leisure time since my husband's work contract mess is over with and I keep typing...randomly. Life is peaceful...for now.

__________________
Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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