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domchurch3
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| Posted: Aug 11 2009 at 10:40pm | IP Logged
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My daughter is 7 and my son is 6 months old. I think jealous might be too strong a word to describe how my daughter is feeling. She has gone from being the only child to the older sibling and the adjustment has been hard for all of us. There was a time we thought we wouldn't be able to have anymore children so his arrival was looked upon with great excitement and anticipation. But now that he's here the reality of having a baby in the house is sometimes too much for my daughter. I know it sounds silly only having two children but I seem to have a hard time meeting both of their needs. My daughter feels her brother has taken so much of my time away from her and she's right. I've tried to do the things we did before he came along but he's very active and I find it almost impossible to do so. I can't even snuggle and read to her like I used to because our son either a) won't nurse while I'm reading because he's too interested in what's going on or b) won't sit still for 2 minutes straight and wants to be up and around just using me for his legs until his own are strong enough. The only time I have for my daughter seems to be when he's napping but by then my daughter is so out of humor that I have to spend the time dealing with attitude issues. I usually deal with them by reading to her or playing games but before you know it, our son is up before I can do everything I need to do with my daughter (like homeschooling). I tried to take a more lax approach to homeschooling but my daughter will have none of it and actually prefers more structure as she equates that with mommy and me time. Once, when my daughter was out with her daddy, I read a book to my son while he was having tummy time on the floor. When she saw the book on his blanket she became irate because she said I loved my son more than her. I wish she had siblings closer together so she could play with them but as it is right now all she wants is for me to play with her. Housework right now is on the back burner while I deal with this. I don't know what to do. I feel like a horrible mom to my daughter because I know some of her needs right now are not getting met. Does anybody have any suggestions?
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Daniel's wife and mother to two children on earth, Bernadette (6 yrs old) and another child due in Jan 2009.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Aug 11 2009 at 10:57pm | IP Logged
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Involve her more in the baby's care?
For instance.. if she was playing with the baby while you're reading, you'd be able to read her books to her.
And when you're involved with caring for someone you aren't so alienated.. caring for the baby can be time to spend with you for instance.
Also, help her understand that in another 6 months he'll be cruising or walking around on his own and start playing on his own and things will be different.. that babies just take a lot of time for the first year.
And maybe set up a schedule of sorts.. so that she can do homeschool work more independently at certain times so that the work is done when baby naps so that she can get some good cuddle time in then.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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Bridget
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| Posted: Aug 12 2009 at 2:43am | IP Logged
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Get her involved in helping with some of the housework too. Then she is doing a worthwhile service for the family. That will build her confidence up and help her get outside of herself by focusing on others. Give lots of praise for service and help! 
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Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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KauaiCatholic
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| Posted: Aug 12 2009 at 2:54am | IP Logged
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oh, I wish I had advice but I am just sending hugs of support and empathy!
is there anything more heart-breaking to hear than that "I think you love X more than me" comment? jealousy is an ongoing struggle here, and I'm trying not to worry now about how No. 3 will be greeted ... but it has crossed my mind. I'll be watching for more helpful tips.
hang in there!
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 Viviane
Grateful mama of Jonah Augustine ('01), Sophia Marie ('05) and Luke Dominic ('10)
We can do no great things; only small things with great love. -- Blessed Teresa of Calcutta
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Mackfam
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| Posted: Aug 12 2009 at 7:13am | IP Logged
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I've got some ideas for you...
** When you and your son and daughter are all together, talk to your son about the great job your daughter did on schoolwork, chores, loving him, helping mom, whatever....build her up in a way that she sees that she is valuable and that you are presenting that value to him. These don't have to be forced or gushy...just simple little statements...you're all on the floor together, you smile at the little fella, tell him how big sister helped mom make muffins and they're so yummy and how he has a GREAT big sister!...and then back to rolling and playing.
** When she gets upset because you're reading *her* book, or the baby is awake during *her* time, just gently remind her that baby is a part of the family...God gives mommy some of His love for each of you so that mommy's heart is big enough for all the children God gives us. Don't give too much attention or floor space for drama. Quickly move and redirect her anger/jealousy into something productive. As Jodie said, involve her. Give her something to do...tell her how happy mommy is that she is the big sister and can help. Get her off the sidelines where she sees mommy with baby and into the action!!!!
** Ours is a vocation of interruptions. How you handle those interruptions may make a significant difference in her attitude. If baby wakes up during story time, tell her, "I'll go get baby and he can nurse while we finish story time." Again, find something baby can do....blanket on the floor next to you with toys...lap time with a favorite toy...roll the high chair in and grab a bowl and spoon for him to play with/chew on...nursing...and then continue with working with your daughter. You can even communicate out loud to baby again, "hello precious. did you have a good nap? mommy and big sister are reading together...we need to finish...you come with us." In this way, she hears that you are loving him, welcoming him, but you're not dropping her like a hot potato. She hears that she is important and still a priority.
** Sit down and think through your day...baby's rhythms...your homeschooling time...try to anticipate as much as you can on paper. ****PLEASE***** don't think I am suggesting putting baby and the family on a strict schedule!!!!!!!!! But, thinking on paper sometimes helps me see that I'm not making the best use of my time in certain areas. Jodie suggested setting up some of your daughter's independent work time during times when your son really needs momma. That's a good idea. Even during those times you can back and forth enough to reassure her.
** Try to do one small thing one-on-one with her on the weekend...like if the grocery store is close and you can be back before the next nursing maybe consider doing a market run with just her. She will be your special helper. Get a special drink or ice cream treat at McDonalds on the way home. It will enforce a feeling that she is special...that as the big sister she gets to do special things with mommy that precious baby brother doesn't get to do.
** Add in a special one-on-one time with daddy on the weekend. This doesn't have to be huge or elaborate...again something he's already doing. Just make it special by the way it is presented.
All the suggestions I presented here are really just an effort to help you see how you can:
:: keep her involved in something productive (get her off the sidelines where she is watching mommy and baby together alone...or thinks she is watching you two and not feeling included)
:: praise her for her help and build up her role in the family as big sister and daughter
:: assure her that she is loved and that there is enough room in your heart and your day to love her and her brother.
This won't happen overnight so try to be patient and keep plugging away. I'm praying for you!!! I know how this hurts your mommy heart! You're not a horrible mommy!! You are a wonderful, attentive mommy who sees this problem and is looking for creative solutions!! Hope there are a couple up there you feel you can try!
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: Aug 13 2009 at 12:32pm | IP Logged
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I really recommend the book "Siblings without Rivalry". I read through it several times a year. It well help you from falling into traps unwittingly.
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Barbara
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Red Cardigan
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Can't remember where I heard this one--it's not from me, as ours are close in age. But a suggested answer to the "You love Baby more than me," was to say something like, "I love both of you exactly the same. But Baby needs me to do more for him right now, just like you needed me to do more for you when you were his size. I love that you're a big helper now, and Baby will be big enough to do those helpful things someday too. He will need you to show him how. When Baby goes down for his nap, would you like to look with me at pictures I have of you when you were his age? (or baby book, etc.). I want you to see how little you were, and how proud I am that you've been growing up so beautifully."
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: Aug 14 2009 at 1:49pm | IP Logged
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The "Siblings without Rivalry" book actually recommends that you don't ever say "I love you both the same" because kids just hear "I don't love you more" when they really want to be validated as special to you. Of course, you don't want to say "I love you more" because that just leads to other problems.  It's better to say something like "I love you so much. I love that you are so big, and can do x, y, z." and don't mention the other siblings at all, especially during quality time, if it can be helped.
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Barbara
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Fe2h2o
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| Posted: Aug 15 2009 at 10:55am | IP Logged
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I can't even snuggle and read to her like I used to because our son either a) won't nurse while I'm reading because he's too interested in what's going on
I had a similar issue when Bilby was nursing (well, when she was a baby:-) ), and that was when I started putting things (folk songs/poems/latin nursery rhymes) on the outside of our TV cabinet. I made them large enough to read from the couch, and it meant I could do stuff with Puggle (not _quite_ the same as a story), even though I couldn't turn pages.
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Becky Parker
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| Posted: Aug 17 2009 at 8:29am | IP Logged
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Something we did for my ds when his baby sister was born (he was 6):
I told a story about how when he was born, his daddy and I loved each other very much and adding him only helped us love each other more. We demonstrated with candles. Light two and put the flames together then add a third. The flame doesn't get smaller. Now add a fourth for the new baby and note that his flame, representing your love for him, doesn't get any smaller. The more the love, the more love you have to give.
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Becky
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Help With Jealous Sibling
