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CandaceC
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| Posted: July 24 2009 at 11:12am | IP Logged
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I think this question may sound weird...but I put this on the mothering board b/c you ladies inspire me in your mothering. I thought maybe there is someone out there like me who might be able to give me some insight...
I am not a big talker...my concern is that most of the time I WANT to talk and have lots of conversations with my kids but I don't know what to say. I feel SO silly saying that...
I grew up in a home with some pretty dysfunctional family relationships...not much communication AT ALL. I mean very, very little...and it is still that way today in most of our relationships with my extended family. (parents, brothers, etc.)
I want to build better relationships with my kids...but fear I am already making them like me because 1 of mine also isn't very talkative (which I realize can be part of our personalities) but at the same time, I want to build those relationships, see glimpses into their hearts...and don't feel like that is happening much yet. 2 of my kids do talk a little more than I do, but I often feel like I don't know the right questions to ask to get them to open up, I just feel stuck sometimes.
Yes, my kids are still small...but does anyone understand what I am saying? Am I a complete crazy?! Just kidding...sorta.
Thanks for any insight you can share...and for not laughing at me.  
ETA: Yes, I posted this yesterday and in my self-consciousness, deleted it after seeing that 40 people had read it and not responded. So, now you see that I am not only quiet, but also insecure! HA!! Anyway, I had a few kind ladies email me or send me a private message telling me that I am not alone...and I'm so grateful for those sweet words, you ladies have brightened my day!! And, at their request I'm re-posting. 
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Candace - wife to David since 2000...mommy to Hannah (Feb. 2002), Emily (April 2003) and Caleb (March 2005)
His Mercy Is New
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Mackfam
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| Posted: July 24 2009 at 11:29am | IP Logged
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I'm glad you reposted, Candace!!! 
I was waiting to respond to you yesterday til I had a little more un-interrupted time!  Be back later...I'm very chatty! 
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Jen Mackintosh
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gwendyt
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| Posted: July 24 2009 at 12:09pm | IP Logged
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Candace - I can completely relate! I am interested in hearing what others insight or advice might be. Because this is an area that is personally difficult for me and because I see similar patterns in some of my kids, I feel I need to begin to set some goals so I have something concrete to work on through the year. What those goals should look like - I have no idea. How do you make yourself be something you inherently are not? I was actually toying with the idea of some kind of "class" on etiquette, making conversation,etc. where the kids and I would pratice together. Something along the lines of an old fashioned finishing school for ladies or something like that?
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Wendy
Married to DH Joe 18 yrs., 8 beautiful children - 2 girls, 6 boys (14,12,9,7,5,3,1,newbie born 3/1/2010)
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MaryM
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I don't know exactly how I fall on the spectrum of this topic. I tend to be somewhat of an introvert in new settings or large groups so don't talk much but not among family/friends where the conversation is easier and more rewarding. It's a good safe place - the kind of place you can establish for your children's conversations.
Like you mentioned there is probably a combination of factors in the mix here - personality/temperaments definitely are a factor as is the environment/modeling. In that modeling piece, I know since you've shared how much of a challenge this is for you, it will probably be a stretch of your comfort zone to open up and share. I think just striking up monologue initially is one approach - I didn't say dialogue or conversation, because it cant really be forced. From the time my kids were babies I always just sort of talked to them about what was going on, things I noticed, etc. not really a conversation but engaging them in hearing me. They may or may not respond initially. But it is the modeling and providing opportunity for conversation that you would be working on.
I find in general asking questions isn't the best way to start a conversation with a reluctant talker. Sometime they feel put on the spot. If they are introspective need more time to formulate thoughts. Or they plain don't know what to say. That's why I'm thinking as mom shares more bits and pieces of her thoughts they tend to jump in on their own with a reflection or idea or comment. Then is a good time for a question that might build on what they shared since they are already a bit engaged in the idea of talking about something. I feel a bit like I'm babbling here. I never really thought about this to articulate it before.
I have a variety of children on the a talking spectrum though none are on the extremely talkative side. Now with my older children I really find that when they want to talk they do open up on their own when they feel ready and that I get better insight into their feelings then than if I question.
to you, Candace, for your caring mommy heart you've shared with us.
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Mary M. in Denver
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MaryM
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| Posted: July 24 2009 at 12:50pm | IP Logged
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Oh, and I was also going to mention reflective listening as being a helpful tool when your children do talk or open up about something. There are books out there like Faber and Mazlish's How to Talk so your kids will listen, and listen so your kids will talk which use techniques of reflective listening/empathetic response techniques. It's a discipline book but also a communication book.
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Mary M. in Denver
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mary theresa
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Candace, I don't have any words of advice or help, but I do very much know what you mean. God bless you!
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Mary Theresa
mother to 3 little girls --March '06, Dec '07 and Jan '10
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DominaCaeli
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MaryM wrote:
| I don't know exactly how I fall on the spectrum of this topic. I tend to be somewhat of an introvert in new settings or large groups so don't talk much but not among family/friends where the conversation is easier and more rewarding. |
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This is me too. I would definitely consider myself an introvert, though my husband would probably beg to differ. I really do talk his ear off. My kids are very talkative with me, very quiet with "strangers." But they are still young, so at this point, I think it's more age than temperament.
Your questions, though, Candace, got me thinking about my relationship with my own parents. Growing up, I was always rather shy, and though I was very close with my parents and loved spending time with them, I was always reluctant to talk about private thoughts and emotions with either of them. My mom and I have very similar temperaments, and I think we rubbed off on each other. We talked a lot together, but not about the really important things.
It took a very difficult break-up I went through in my late teen years (just before meeting my husband) for me to open up to her, and my finally doing so was due to her opening up to me about going through something similar in her own past. The other two really important conversations I had with them were when I had big things to announce to them and a discussion was pretty much required (when I decided to convert to Catholicism and when I decided to drop out of grad school). They were rough conversations for me to have because I am so used to being private with them.
Anyways, I think Mary's advice to forge a one-way "conversation" with them for a little while is really good. That would have helped me to open up with my mom when I was younger. And I'm in the same position you are, Candace, wanting to make sure my children are comfortable talking casually with me about even the "big things" when they are older. I'm reading closely for advice.
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Blessings,
Celeste
Joyous Lessons
Mommy to six: three boys (8, 4, newborn) and four girls (7, 5, 2, and 1)
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JodieLyn
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I also have some thoughts.. I hope I can post today if not it'll be after the weekend.. just so busy right now.. but I need time to get my thoughts together and then time to post them.
The first one off the top of my head is.. even if your kids don't want to talk about some things with you, it does not mean that they aren't attached to you. I was that way with my mom. I just did not want to talk about some things and I didn't but it didn't effect having the relationship.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Lavenderfields
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Candace,
I am glad you posted this and looking forward to hearing the responses. This is exactly how it is in my house and I have older children.
God Bless
Robynn
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kbfsc
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Candace, ditto to what MaryM said about your beautiful mother's heart.
No expertise here, but I am part of a small women's group at my parish where we discuss things of this nature and the idea of becoming fully who we are (in the words of JPII).
What strikes me about your sharing is that this is a deep desire of your heart. I believe that those desires are God-given and deeply significant to who He has made each of us to be.
I also agree that we cannot very easily change ourselves and make ourselves into something we naturally aren't. But God can! - especially when the desire comes from deep in your heart, motivated by the mighty force of a mother's love.
One of the main reasons my husband and I decided to homeschool was because we strongly desire family intimacy. While I had good family relationships growing up, I feel pretty broken with respect to really seeing my children and entering in with them. Certainly the daily grind makes this difficult some days... but, like you, I think, my deep desire is to receive them and be in deep relationship with them. God willing homeschooling will enable these goals.
So... prayer and receptivity to the love of God to make us more who we are in relation to our children. I am so encouraged when I imagine the freedom and joy that we will all experience!
Does any of this make sense?
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Servant2theKing
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Candace, God bless you for having the courage to share your heart on this subject. Like you, I have been tempted to erase almost every post I've ever written here. I think this week alone I've written three responses or more and erased them all before posting. I should know better...4Real is a haven of friendship and support, where we need never fear being laughed at.
When I was a child I was painfully shy, especially after being hurt in several relationships, including among family. Then the Lord revealed to my soul that whenever I felt shy or uncomfortable in a given situation, there was most likely another person who felt the same way. After that I felt led to reach out to others who seemed to be struggling as I was. This has helped me immensely in many difficult circumstances and may be helpful as you consider ways to open up communication with your children. They may feel just as much at a loss over how to share their thoughts or feelings as you are. Or, perhaps, as you already wisely observed, it may be a simple matter of temperament or personality, which doesn't always need changing or altering....the world would be a pretty dull place if we were all talkers and there were no listeners or thinkers or dreamers!
Communication won't always be perfect and certainly is not always easy, but it is also a beautiful gift we can offer one another, especially within the safety and security of a loving home. Your love for your children is evident in the desires you shared in your post. Some people convey more love through their caring presence than all the words ever spoken!
When I've felt some of my children being less communicative or pulling inside themselves I've often found myself praying for them. I don't remember when this started, but somehow I began the practice of kissing my children and blessing them, in the morning and at night, and sometimes when we part from one another. Nothing gushy or over-dramatic, just a simple kiss on the cheek and a quick sign of the cross on their foreheads. At first they were a little taken aback, but now they come to me freely and it is a cherished connection between us. This practice has grown into my asking them how they slept or telling them, "Have sweet, holy dreams", as they go off to bed.
I've found that casually commenting on something my children have done, something they're interested in, or a book we're reading aloud sometimes helps open the door to further communication. Praying together as a family sometimes seems to help everyone feel freer to talk and share with one another afterward. Singing with your children, if you feel comfortable doing so, might also allow you and them to have that greater sense of joy and freedom with one another, that kbfsc spoke of so beautifully above.
Your children are so very young yet...younger children often don't feel the need to converse as older children or adults might. Many times they are content to simply frolick through their day. As your children grow and mature may the Lord tenderly guide your relationships with one another, helping you all to share in His grace and His love.
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Sharyn
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My mother wasn't a very 'connected to her children' kind of a mum. She found it very difficult, and still does, to talk about anything at all serious.
I determined I wasn't going to be like that, but it's not that easy is it. I'm thankful for discovering attatchment parenting because it has helped me heaps to loosen up and make progress in being more like I want to be.
So firstly get a good picture in your mind of what you are aiming for and then work on it a bit at a time.
I am going to get some books on hospitality and manners because I'm at a loss on how to be a good host, and I'm the type to fall over backwards to be polite, if only I knew how to be so.
It's going to take years so don't get discouraged. Just keep working at it. Then you find all of a sudden you are becoming what you hoped for. Nothing seems to happen for ages, and then it all kinda blooms overnight.
Will it happen in time? Pray for it. Don't be afraid, have confidence. God knows what you want and He is going to help you do it, and me too If we can just keep trying to do our best we must trust God with what is seemingly lacking.
I don't think talking is the biggest issue. Most of us talk way too much for our own good. A close relationship is what you are after. Sharing stuff. Really sharing it is the key. Read, read , read, do, do ,do stuff together. Soon you'll be talking all you need. Try to make a particular habit of paying them attention. If they have a concern pay it attention. I say this because this is a habit I learned from my mum. I still have to remind myself sometimes to stop and really 'see' my child, and take the time to listen.
Just toss out that bit where you are worried what they are going to think about what you say. Your their mum, they love you. So many mums don't realise how precious they are to their children. They imagine someone else would be better. But if you ask the children who it is they want, well no one is better than your own mum, even when you realise she's not perfect.
Your children are so blessed, that have a mum who loves them deeply and cares about them. So, so blessed they are.
What you've got to do here is learn a new habit.
Little by little. If you don't start you never will!
So start saying stuff. At first it might be less than the best, and feel akward but once you start it'll get easier and easier.
You got two choices here, remain stuck or dare to change your life. There's no good that doesn't require hard work to achieve it. This is just your and my particular hard work. Don't feel ashamed, that's just the devil trying to frighten you out of doing what you know you've got to do. And you can do it!
I recommend making a close relationship with Our Heavenly Mother; as her beloved daughter she'll guide you aright.
Blessings,
Sharyn
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Mum to dd (00), ds (03), dd (04), ds (06), one in God's care (08), dd (09), ds (11), one in God's care (13), and ds (13)
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Sharyn
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| Posted: July 25 2009 at 3:15am | IP Logged
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Just one more thing So many parents are ashamed that their children will see they aren't perfect. And I say don't be.
I tell my dc I'm not perfect(and it's obvious), that I'm full of faults and that with God's grace I'm working on fixing these things.
I'm thinking (hoping) this does two things, allows the child to grow up not beating themselves up when their not perfect, or hiding their heads in the sand about it.
Secondly it sets a good example of what to do about those imperfections and how to go about doing 'this life's work'.
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Mum to dd (00), ds (03), dd (04), ds (06), one in God's care (08), dd (09), ds (11), one in God's care (13), and ds (13)
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JodieLyn
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Candance, I wanted to get to this sooner but well.. life struck and I'm only just now finding time.. and even that's going to be interupted because my alarm went off and I realized it's trash night (yes it's set on my cell phone calender with an alarm  ) so I better do that before I forget it...
ah.. that's better.. task done and it gave me time to collect my thoughts.
Consider what makes you comfortable and connected with someone. For instance my dh and I can talk at a resturant or while cooking dinner together but it's just talking.. for me to feel connected we need to touch. So talking isn't the only way to feel connected to others. When my oldest son (he's almost 11 now) was tiny, he was often to busy for hugs and cuddles... at least until he was sleepy but I started a little game with him.. if he'd walk near me I'd ask him if he'd come to give me his ear.. and we'd have lots of giggles over me "trying to get his ear off" and him "protecting" his ear. And even now, though I don't do it often.. I can ask him if he's come to give me his ear and you can see his whole demeanor change and relax because it's a connection between us.
Don't try and sit down facing someone and talk, putting anyone (including yourself) on the spot is just about guaranteed to make it uncomfortable and stilted. Sit next to the other person (and I'd add in touch with an arm around them) so that you're close but not in a position to need to maintain or avoid eye contact. In the dark before bed is a great conversation time, lay down on the bed next to them (again, a less confrontational position being next to and not in front of)
If you have a hand craft like crocheting, knitting, cross stitch.. it's a great time for talking.. you have to watch what you're doing somewhat and you can often choose to look up at someone or down at what you're working on more or less as needed..
While you're driving somewhere, especially after dark.. there's that feeling of anonymity of being in the dark that makes it easier to talk. But again you are looking elsewhere but can engage in the conversation.. it's a "safe" time to talk.
Sharing a task.. doing dishes by hand is a great one for this.. because as you wash and dry you tend to stand close together side by side.. but looking at the task in front of you rather than staring each other down. But there's lots of tasks that you can use.. weeding a flower bed for instance, cooking a meal, washing a wall.
HUMOR is a HUGE thing.. nothing helps deal with tension better than a laugh. I'm thinking of my oldest daughter needing a tooth removed.. it really bothered her and she worries and frets over things.. especially unknown things.. knowing what was going to happen really helped her deal with it looming in the future.. so we'd go through it.. and about the time I'm telling her that the dentist would use a special tool to wiggle her tooth.. I'd look at her and say.. he's not going to be pulling his big ole' pliers that he uses on the car out of his back pocket to yank it out.. and that was just silly enough she could laugh about it.. and she would relax and it really helped.
You don't have to be a great comedian to pull it off.. a bit of exaggeration with the facial expression and body language that will say you're being silly will do quite nicely.. and it's one time you'll want to face the child directly so that they can see that you're being silly.
As far as communication about specific topics.. watch for ideas in movies or tv shows you've both seen or books you've read. If I wanted to talk to my oldest girl about bullies, I could ramble on about a situation in a book we both read (The Ranger's Apprentice) and talk about that situation and what the boy could have done instead of what he did.. and give her space to add in her own ideas.. and don't knock down any volunteer information a child might give.. a nice hmmmmm can go a long way But because I'm chatting about a situation it would give her an opportunity to talk about it too without having to ask questions or answer them.. questions and answers are great for interrogation not conversation a lot of the time. Kids are well known for monosyllablic answers to questions.. so commenting on other things that they can join in on will get you more information in the long run.
I'm an extrovert who's learned caution in being too much extroverted, so I love to talk but I'm also cautious about what I say and to whom.. and I'm not comfortable sharing the same information with all people. Like I might be able to tell my sister something that I wouldn't tell my mom.
I've been hugely blessed in that my oldest is a girl who's pretty much willing to talk about anything.. so once I get over myself she makes it very easy to have conversations with her about all those highly private and embarrassing things that are so hard to do.. especially when it's not something I talked about with my mom.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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CandaceC
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Thanks so much ladies, for your sharing your thoughts and experiences. You've given me much to think on and I appreciate it!!
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Candace - wife to David since 2000...mommy to Hannah (Feb. 2002), Emily (April 2003) and Caleb (March 2005)
His Mercy Is New
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Ladybird3
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I share in this kind of a struggle as well, Candace. It is frustrating when your intraction with a child grows stagnant. It's feels like a big missed opportunity sometimes, like a big flop. Have you read any Matthew Kelly? I have his books on my computer and he is wonderful. He talks about asking the right questions in his book Building Better Families which is a wonderful read and one that I will re-read again soon.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Quiet or non-talkative moms...
