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Bethany
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| Posted: July 20 2009 at 8:27am | IP Logged
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As I stated in a previous prayer request , we had to recently tell my husbands brother that he could not be the best man in his upcoming wedding.
Both bride and groom are Catholic, however, my BIL is in the annulment process. They have already planned the wedding at an Episcopal Church, even though they both say they want to be Catholic  . My BIL did tell my husband that he would not get married if they didn't have an answer on the annulment by then. So if he doesn't get the annulment he'll be married Episcopal and if he does he'll still be married Episcopal and then get a convalidation.
My husband took this seriously and after speaking with our Priest drove half way across country to tell his brother in person. He's not sure he really understood his position, but it went OK. However, now he's gotten a snippy email from his sister. We knew his sister and mother would not take this well. His sister especially won't because she's Catholic and she and her husband are in the wedding. She just thinks it's unnecessary drama.
So, does anyone have a concise statement as to why this is wrong. Unfortuantely, I'm a convert and my husband was not really raised with much Church teaching so we're struggling with explaning this decision. We know it is the right decision, but need to have a presuasive argument. Both my BIL and SIL can really buy into moral relativism and we want to speak the truth.
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Bethany
Wife to Mike, Mommy to Amelia (6/02), Sarah (10/03), Martha Grace (10/05), Rebecca Anne (12/07), Laura Catherine (3/10) and Reed Michael 7/4/14.
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Becky Le
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| Posted: July 20 2009 at 9:57am | IP Logged
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That is a difficult situation. It's so hard to explain why you are keeping faithfully to the Church's teachings (or even just explaining what the teaching is) without making another Catholic feel defensive about not doing the same. I have no advice but plenty of prayers for you! 
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Becky, loving wife to Chris and mom to Stephen (11/99), Elizabeth (04/01), Catherine (08/04), Natalie & Samantha (10/07)
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folklaur
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| Posted: July 20 2009 at 12:42pm | IP Logged
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i know you are trying so very hard to do what is right.
i have to be upfront and honest, and say i am seeing this from a different angle, due to our current circumstances.
our oldest dd was set to be married in the Church in January. However, impulsiveness, having a hard time being so far away from each other, etc, etc...has led her and her fiance to decide to push up the wedding - which will now be next month, and not in the Church - they are planning to get in validated once she moves to Texas.
Her Dad and I are obviously not happy about this decision. And, we have let them know, in no uncertain terms, that we are not happy about it.
but - We are not going to, effectively, "boycott" our daughter's wedding. we are not willing to jepordize our entire relationship with her like that. and doing something like this, very easily could.
She knows we do not "condone" it.
She knows our presence there is not because we think it is "okay." She knows it is because we love her, even if we think she is wrong to do it like this.
for us personally, we do not believe Jesus would want us to hurt someone else, especially our child, as devastatingly as this would, by not attending the wedding. We also believe He knows our hearts, and knows that we do not feel this is a good decision, that we are not "okay" with it, etc.
But - by not going - we do not think we would be showing God's love to them. Instead, we could very easily push them farther and farther from the Church.
As i said, i know you are trying so very hard to do what is right, and i know you are in quite a spot. trust me, i know.
(I will also be completely honest and vulnerable and admit that there are people in my DH's family that i already do not get along with - and so boycotting *their* wedding would be easier for me to do. isn;t that horrible? but i am being as honest as i can.)
Is Dh's family close - and do you get along with them? DOes he have a good relationship with his family? will not attending the wedding cause irreperable damage to all the relationships there? Will your absence be glaringly obvious? Are all the relationships there ones you - and your DH, since it is his family - are willing to possibly change forever?
i am so sorry you are in this position. i will be praying for you.
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Bethany
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| Posted: July 20 2009 at 1:54pm | IP Logged
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We did not say we would not attend and were still planning on going, he just wasn't going to be the best man. In order to try to maintan the relationship we are willing to attend, just not participate. I guess it's possible we won't get an invitation now and that will make the decision for us.
I'll also be honest and say that it would be easier in many ways if we didn't attend, but if possible I know my DH would feel better if we did.
We don't want to push them away from the Church and DH told him when they have their validation in the Church he would love to be his witness. I think between the two of them the relationship is as intact and good as it could be given the circumstances.
Our problem now is dealing with his mother and sister. We're considered those crazy, homeschooling, non ABC using weirdos and they take a lot of what we say or do as a criticism of them personally, even though it never is. So at some point he has to speak with them and try to state his position as clearly and concisely as possible, not that it will matter much.
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Bethany
Wife to Mike, Mommy to Amelia (6/02), Sarah (10/03), Martha Grace (10/05), Rebecca Anne (12/07), Laura Catherine (3/10) and Reed Michael 7/4/14.
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KauaiCatholic
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| Posted: July 20 2009 at 3:27pm | IP Logged
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sorry, no advice here, just lots of and prayers from one crazy, homeschooling, non ABC using weirdo to another.
perhaps the priest who advised against participation could help provide a concise statement?
my heart goes out to you and your family.
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 Viviane
Grateful mama of Jonah Augustine ('01), Sophia Marie ('05) and Luke Dominic ('10)
We can do no great things; only small things with great love. -- Blessed Teresa of Calcutta
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Bethany
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| Posted: July 20 2009 at 3:29pm | IP Logged
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Thank you Viviane, that made me smile!! 
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Bethany
Wife to Mike, Mommy to Amelia (6/02), Sarah (10/03), Martha Grace (10/05), Rebecca Anne (12/07), Laura Catherine (3/10) and Reed Michael 7/4/14.
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MrsM
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| Posted: July 20 2009 at 7:31pm | IP Logged
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We've been in similiar situations, and years later the hurt feelings still have not healed. All you can do is the right thing, with as much charity as possible, and pray for those who feel hurt. Like you, it's other family members, not those who were getting married, that were most upset. I don't recall precisely how we explained our position, but I'm pretty sure even if we had had Thomas Aquinas or the Pope speaking for us it wouldn't have made any difference. I think that sometimes it boils down to the darkness hates the light. When you disagree, even with great charity, people are uncomfortable and feel like you are judging them.
and prayers!
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Lynn in California
Homeschooling dd13, dd11, ds10, and ds8
Mom to Miracle Baby ds3
Mom to darling Elizabeth and Francis, held in Mary's arms and always in my heart
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Bethany
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| Posted: July 22 2009 at 2:30pm | IP Logged
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Well, after hearing from his mother my DH was getting down and beginning to second guess his decision. I did some more searching and found this at Catholic.com. This is our situation exactly, just reverse the bride with the groom.
I found it helpful and it helped my DH quite a bit in easing his concerns. Thought I would post it in case it helped anyone else. There are some other Questions and Answers regarding weddings there as well.
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Bethany
Wife to Mike, Mommy to Amelia (6/02), Sarah (10/03), Martha Grace (10/05), Rebecca Anne (12/07), Laura Catherine (3/10) and Reed Michael 7/4/14.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: July 22 2009 at 2:50pm | IP Logged
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Sometimes the best thing you can do is to tell someone..
Mom, I love you, this is not about you but about me. I can't be in the wedding party without feeling I've violated my beliefs. But I still love my brother and will be attending the wedding to support him.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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4Real Forums : Domestic Church
Topic: Articulating Church Teaching
