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Angie Mc
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For those of you who are raising or have raised teens, what mothering tips do you have for helping teens to be happy? For those who were teens at one time  , what made you happy as a teen?
I'm not sure how to define happiness here...moments of happiness...overall sense of happiness...choosing happiness? Thanks for brainstorming with me.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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teachingmyown
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Have another baby? That charms the teens like nothing else.
One thing that does work is being willing to be goofy with them.
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In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
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JodieLyn
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I don't quite have a teen yet.. right now she really likes things that makes her feel more grown up (yesterday she went as a mother's helper to a friend who was trying to paint her kitchen.. DD helped out so she could paint) spending special time together (getting to go to the store with mom)
One thing I remembered loving even as a teen was playing board games with the family. But my dad was real competitive so there were lots of friendly arguments and laughing. Seriously, I remember going on a date once and they were getting out a game and I would have rather stayed home
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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Angie Mc
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teachingmyown wrote:
Have another baby? That charms the teens like nothing else.
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Sweet!
teachingmyown wrote:
| One thing that does work is being willing to be goofy with them. |
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Agreed. Thank goodness, too. Life is so serious and difficult; *I* need the goofy factor.
Watching movies together, at home and in the theater, has been surprisingly important to our teen/family happy factor. We are watching a lot of comedies, to include stand up comedian stuff. We all share a passion for baseball that has brought many a happy...and tearful...time together for us. Family vacations, big and small, help. We have regularly scheduled get-togethers at our home...holiday celebrations, swim parties, spontaneous pizza parties.
When I was a teen I loved to laugh with my friends and do really silly things together. Public silliness seemed extra fun...doing the "Monkee's walk" down the city street while singing a song...Chinese fire drills...innocent stuff. I liked hanging around my friends homes.
Per my teens:
Having time with friends.
Having say in what you wear.
Parents being sympathetic about the difficulties of academics.
Not too much pressure on grades.
Computer time.
Valuing things that aren't academic.
Cell phone.
Public silliness (funny dives off the diving board of the public pool, going to a bridal expo and pretending to be engaged, dressing like a princess and going to a restaurant on your birthday and having everyone sing happy birthday to you, singing in public/dug out, pranks on friends, etc.)
Driving.
Doing stuff...bowling, minature gold, water parks, laser tag, swing dancing, historical balls, beach.
Having good adults to talk with and spend time with.
Having an orderly home and routine.
Contribute to decision-making.
Meals together.
Family prayer, Confession, Mass.
Catholic friends.
Going to a gym.
Eating good food and junk food sometimes.
Laughing in general...
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angie Mc
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JodieLyn wrote:
I don't quite have a teen yet.. right now she really likes things that makes her feel more grown up (yesterday she went as a mother's helper to a friend who was trying to paint her kitchen.. DD helped out so she could paint) spending special time together (getting to go to the store with mom)
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Real work and excellence in an area or two makes my teens happy. My dd still enjoys babysitting - has helped raise a few of her long-time charges . She has really enjoyed her karate class, mainly because of the community there, yet she is mastering her art too. She feels good about mastering her language art skills (which makes up, in part, for her worries about math.) My ds is mastering baseball and sees it as real work - me too.
JodieLyn wrote:
| One thing I remembered loving even as a teen was playing board games with the family. But my dad was real competitive so there were lots of friendly arguments and laughing. Seriously, I remember going on a date once and they were getting out a game and I would have rather stayed home |
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My teens play all sorts of card games and other games with their friends...spoons can get pretty vicious around here! I'm not much of a game player, but I did love pinnocle (sp?) as an undergraduate...maybe I could show them that game? I wonder if any of my local friends play? Hmmmmmmmmmmm
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Lisbet
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Last week I was on cloud 9 about having a teen - this week -not so much. 
I notice he is most happy discussing politics with me - we really enjoy that. He likes to stay up later than the other kiddos and have more grown up talk with dad, maybe a movie or TV show.
Could I do a bit of a spin off here? How do you handle it when you have been deeply hurt and betrayed by your teen? How do you handle your own hurt when dealing with them in the aftermath of a serious offense? How do you make them understand that what they did was very very wrong, but you are not going to let that define how you feel about/treat them, yet they can't get away with it? How long should the punishment last? I made it very clear that I forgive him, I love him, but I am still processing and very hurt by his actions. Thanks for ANY input you can give me here.
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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Angie Mc
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Lisbet wrote:
Could I do a bit of a spin off here? How do you handle it when you have been deeply hurt and betrayed by your teen? How do you handle your own hurt when dealing with them in the aftermath of a serious offense? How do you make them understand that what they did was very very wrong, but you are not going to let that define how you feel about/treat them, yet they can't get away with it? How long should the punishment last? I made it very clear that I forgive him, I love him, but I am still processing and very hurt by his actions. Thanks for ANY input you can give me here.
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I have felt your pain, Lisa  . Forgiveness is a big part of happiness. I hope to have more time to write about this later. In the mean time...be gentle with yourself, OK? It takes time to get over a big blow...especially if it is among your first big teen blows...
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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stellamaris
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Oh, Lisa, I'm so sorry! It is so painful when we feel our teens are betraying us, especially after we have invested so much in their lives and sacrificed so much for them. I found a great resource to help me deal with these difficult feelings is the book Feeling Good. The most helpful part of the book is the technique Dr. Burns describes of listing 1)everything you are thinking/feeling about the situation at hand in the first column, 2)objectively assessing which one of several "false" thoughts you are entertaining wrt to what you wrote in column 1, and then 3)reframing a rational response. Just to get everything on paper and then to realize a lot of what you are thinking and feeling is an over-reaction usually based on an assortment of over-generalizations, false predictions, and fears (what will become of this child, will this child ever love me, will people think I am a failure as a mother, and lots of other fears that capture our hearts) helps clear one's head. Remember, fear is from the Enemy, not from God! Incidentally, this approach really helped me not only with my own feelings about some situations here, but also made it easier for me to help my teens discern whether what they were thinking and feeling was rational and why (or why not!) If you are still troubled by hurt feelings and not at peace, you might want to go to confession (again?) with the entire matter. It's OK for your son to learn that when he behaves in a way that hurts others, they will need time to get over it. Teens also need to learn that trust, once lost, is very difficult to restore in a relationship. It is better that they learn these painful lessons at home; they are in the process of learning to take responsibility for their words and actions. Finally, it may help to recall that forgiveness doesn't negate the need for reparation...don't let your dc off the hook; make sure he makes appropriate restitution for his transgression. And here's a for you!
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In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to  dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
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Angie Mc
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Caroline, I'm with you about this resource (shall we say great minds "think" alike  )...
stellamaris wrote:
| I found a great resource to help me deal with these difficult feelings is the book Feeling Good. |
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Lisa, this is the same resource we discussed in the topic, how we think. Here's the reminder sheet of the discussion.
Forgiving and asking for forgiveness, making amends, has helped us tremendously during the teen years. Having a clear idea of what is expected to make mistakes right is invaluable. As the mom who has needed to forgive...sometimes I've honestly had to say, "I forgive you and I'm going to need to some to recover from this blow. I hope you can understand that." I try not to pout...I try to reassure with a smile.
One of the biggest mistakes I make is in my expectations. I've learned that some struggles my teens have don't "go away" no matter what I do, say, read, discuss... I so want to fix problems and trick myself into thinking that a problem is fixed, as in "OK, we've discussed this, it makes sense, you're sorry, I'm sorry, phew, I'm glad that's over with." Then I'm shocked when I face the same challenge again...and again...and again. It can be discouraging or, when I'm in my right mind, I see that as an adult I struggle with many of the same weaknesses that I've had my whole life. We can prune away the easy stuff...it's the deeper, more engrained stuff, that takes time and patience.
Back to thinking distortions...I'm not omnipotent in the life of my teen...that's a tough one to accept when at one time I held that sweet teen as a baby in my arms and I was the baby's everything .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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stellamaris
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Getting back to the happy teen thread, exercise has a big impact on mood (theirs and mine!) around here. When we do it, we're good. When we don't (most of the time  ), we're a lot more moody and grumpy.
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In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
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Bridget
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Lisbet wrote:
Could I do a bit of a spin off here? How do you handle it when you have been deeply hurt and betrayed by your teen? How do you handle your own hurt when dealing with them in the aftermath of a serious offense? How do you make them understand that what they did was very very wrong, but you are not going to let that define how you feel about/treat them, yet they can't get away with it? How long should the punishment last? I made it very clear that I forgive him, I love him, but I am still processing and very hurt by his actions. Thanks for ANY input you can give me here.
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Set him up for success. Give him some job in in the household that makes a real contribution to the family. It can be hard labor like painting the porch or a fun project like making a video documentary on your family. Volunteer together in a clean up project at your parish. Something you can praise him and express gratitude for. This will get him going in a positive direction and help you focus on him in a positive way. Prayers Lisa.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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ALmom
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Do lots less talking and a lot more listening. (It is hard.) Try to lead them to discover things for themselves by asking questions and giving them some time or space to reflect. Set up times where you naturally are doing something where it is just the two of you so they do have private time to ask personal questions, etc. Allow them to make some of their own mistakes and learn from them (but not those that will alter their lives forever or put them in danger of eternal death). Give yourself time to think and reflect how to handle something before just speaking. Consider their temperment when making decisions - and try to include them in more and more decision making. Be honest with them. Let some things go. Even when some things scare the death out of you, try to at least understand why this is appealing to them. (My dd considering military is something that comes to mind for me. I have never, ever encouraged this, actually it is something we have always been very old fashioned about - but reality is that when she turns 18 and graduates from high school, this is and should be her decision to make. If I support her search and exploration while praying to God to guide her and give her a sense that I support her even when her decision may be something I'm not comfortable with, then I can make sure she knows the full truth and not just the recruiters picture. I also gain understanding of her evaluation of her talents and needs and have a better opportunity to guide). I've learned a lot from each child's discernment for the future struggles, but would have been cut off from this if I'd done the knee jerk reaction I felt like doing.  Be humble enough to learn from your teens. Love them. Have fun with them. Give them some space, but not too much. Admit when you overreact. Ask forgiveness and give forgiveness. Let them see that the more they show respect and honor your rules, the more you see them as grown up and the more decision making responsibility you are willing to delegate to them. Watch out for feeding an emotional reaction back and forth (sometimes you have to be tough, admit to them that it is hard, but have to make the best of it. Do they have any suggestions on how to make it better given the bottom line - ie we will not be sending you to public school but we are willing to address the difficulties of homeschooling and make it as best as it is possible - what things are you missing, what ideas do you have for filling those needs but don't hand in any more sentences that are all about how terrible homeschooling is) Continue to be a parent - especially when you must. Hold firm even against badgering when it is important (and I found that deferring to dad was often a great way to diffuse some of the mom - daughter emotional roller coaster things). I'm sorry, I don't have much experience with boys becoming men so I'm open to ideas here. Friendships in this stage can be a very big plus - but they can also be a big yoke. We cannot dictate their friends, but if there is a good one, it is worth the extra effort to do a lot more driving and planning to allow them to get together. For most, there comes a time when healthy activities that involve others and not just mom, dad and family are a lot more important. Try to discern with them areas of passion where they can be involved in things that give them wider exposure without being open-ended, unsupervised just teens hanging out. Look for things where they will be working with people sharing a common interest - but where the work provides the structure (orchestra served one child well).
Set up things where they naturally have to consult you rather than parents dictating from on high. We have intentionally only had the two cars - one for dh to work and the shared family car. It is now not mom and dad being ogres - but just circumstances that require what is needed cause we have to plan for the availability of the car and thus must share with each other what we plan to do and when and that forms a habit of coordinating with the family.
Janet
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stellamaris
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God calls us to love as He loves. His love is unconditional. He loved us while we were yet sinners, but He did not leave us in our sinful states. It is this same love we are to have for others, especially our own children. To express this love, our Lord humbled Himself to death upon a cross. Loving our children despite their physical, mental, and even moral weaknesses while still challenging them and making them strive for higher and holier lives is the hardest, most self-sacrificing path a parent must walk. Unconditional love only flows forth from a cross.
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Caroline
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MarilynW
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Angie Mc wrote:
One of the biggest mistakes I make is in my expectations. I've learned that some struggles my teens have don't "go away" no matter what I do, say, read, discuss... I so want to fix problems and trick myself into thinking that a problem is fixed, as in "OK, we've discussed this, it makes sense, you're sorry, I'm sorry, phew, I'm glad that's over with." Then I'm shocked when I face the same challenge again...and again...and again. It can be discouraging or, when I'm in my right mind, I see that as an adult I struggle with many of the same weaknesses that I've had my whole life. We can prune away the easy stuff...it's the deeper, more engrained stuff, that takes time and patience.
Back to thinking distortions...I'm not omnipotent in the life of my teen...that's a tough one to accept when at one time I held that sweet teen as a baby in my arms and I was the baby's everything .
Love,
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Words of wisdom Angie - I do not have a teen yet - but I know that i think i have dealt with something and then am totally bowled over when it comes up again.
Also your last quote - it seems this growing up thing seems to happen overnight - I want to hold onto my newborn and keep her in the Moby forever!! Before I know it I will blink and she will be taller than me.
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Marilyn
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LucyP
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As someone who was a teen - let your children really see and know that you love them, are proud of them (not just what they do/achieve), enjoy being with them, and value their dignity and worth. That would have made me very happy. Knowing you are loved, and feeling that you are loved are two very different things.
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insegnante
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I know some people here have read the book Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate. I can't help but think that if the authors' ideas about "peer orientation" are at all valid, then the answers to Angie's question in the original post are quite dependent on whether or not there is a need to first address unhealthy attachment to peers interfering with attachment to parents and family? I haven't gotten to the part of the book that gives ideas about how to do that effectively. But it describes how once a kid is "peer-oriented," parents trying to spend more time with or have more influence on their teens may find themselves receiving quite a negative response.
Jodie, your description of your daughter made me think Neufeld and Mate would probably consider her a very good example of being appropriately attached to parents and looking to adults for direction!
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Theresa
mommy to three boys, 3/02, 8/04, and 9/10, and a girl, 8/08
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Tina P.
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LucyP wrote:
| As someone who was a teen - let your children really see and know that you love them, are proud of them (not just what they do/achieve), enjoy being with them, and value their dignity and worth. That would have made me very happy. Knowing you are loved, and feeling that you are loved are two very different things. |
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And to this I might add find out their principal love language. One of my teens is very physical, the other likes quality time. I've learned that you have to "speak" all the languages, but speak the child's most valued one the "loudest."
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Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
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Angie Mc wrote:
I'm not sure how to define happiness here...moments of happiness...overall sense of happiness...choosing happiness? Thanks for brainstorming with me.
Love, |
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There are times when a child isn't going to be completely happy, but I'd prefer to think of happiness as an overall satisfaction with life ~ with occasional blips or interruptions.
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Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Happy Teen Tips
