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insegnante
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| Posted: June 17 2009 at 1:12pm | IP Logged
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Okay, here goes. Been thinking about this one for a while but am afraid to portray myself as totally insane.
I guess the "question" is how often do the most AP of you, the most babywearing of you, ever put the baby down, or go out of the baby's presence (at least while the baby is awake,) and at what ages?
I don't know what else to call it but "AP guilt." I don't strive to be the "perfect AP parent" according to a handbook or anything, but I have something that may be a hangup about how much time I spend holding or in the physical presence of my baby. A couple of things I have read over the years have left me with this fear of creating inappropriately early detachment and insecurity in my child even if she seems happy to be with her father or to otherwise spend a lot of time not held. She is almost 10 months old. I don't fret much about putting her down per se anymore because she clearly wants to be exercising her crawling and cruising skills. I try to tell myself when she's in the playpen, it's clearly the lack of freedom and not some longing to be held that is making her cry since she's thrilled to be on the floor crawling most of the time, and it is OK to let her be in there for a few minutes so I can do something important when that is the only way for her to be safe. She still has much more time crawling and cruising supervised than being in the playpen while I do tasks!
She is still pretty happy for extended times in the Moby Wrap when I'm moving around though, so I think about "the Yequana" (Continuum Concept...I read about it on the Web, not even a whole book...) and how if I just had this wearing the baby while doing chores thing down, she might be growing up better-adjusted. I mean, the Yequana! Okay, I know, one person's observations about one tribe. It makes sense though -- security through constant physical contact with a caring adult, yet not being given all that much "direct" attention, mostly watching and learning.
Aside from the Yequana, there's this idea of the primary caregiver, the secure attachment to one person. I'm not exactly sure I understand the importance of it being "one" person rather than two readily available people, but it makes some intuitive sense, I believe it and I worry about it. At this point, there might be several hours total some days that she isn't with me, but she is always with her father then. (Some of it involves me sleeping. Sometimes it's my going to Confession, or trying to concentrate on what I'm looking for in a store, or just simply asking for a break at night so my husband brings her in for a bedtime story and prayers with our son.) She clearly likes both of us a lot! I don't know what it takes for the attachment to be primarily to me and not divided in some way that is suboptimal.
Lately we've also been in the car a lot and I feel scared about the "detachment" of her being in there, oh, maybe 2 hours total some days, with some lengthy blocks of time. She ranges from happily cooing and watching to screaming in protest at being stuck in there. We recently finally started putting her in shopping cart seats sometimes instead of always wearing or carrying her, and even though she usually looks quite happy and makes vrem-vrem sounds (like a car), I worry about that too in terms of "detachment."
Okay... maybe no one will reply to this one and I'll have the chance to delete it before regretting confessing my perhaps silly fearfulness and looking fore reassurance, but in the meantime I'll hit post.
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Theresa
mommy to three boys, 3/02, 8/04, and 9/10, and a girl, 8/08
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MaryM
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| Posted: June 17 2009 at 1:43pm | IP Logged
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insegnante wrote:
| I guess the "question" is how often do the most AP of you, the most babywearing of you, ever put the baby down, or go out of the baby's presence (at least while the baby is awake,) and at what ages? |
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I don't have a ton of time to answer and will come back to this later again, but wanted to quickly reply that it depends. Each child is different and each of their reactions to situations is different. To me that is a major part of what AP parenting means to me - knowing my child and meeting their particular needs for my presence..body contact..etc.. It sounds like you are very much watching and seeing and be aware and acting accordingly.
I also will say, I don't like labels, but essentially I am (though my kiddos are older now) a very "AP" parent. But one who doesn't think there can be specific "rules" for how to do this. It was different for different children.
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Mary M. in Denver
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: June 17 2009 at 2:30pm | IP Logged
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I would try and think less about what this or that acedemic article is saying and think more about how my child is doing.. if the child was happy with dad and I left for a few minutes.. how does the child react when I get back.. generally I believe if there's any danger to their attachment the child will want to cling harder so you should be able to judge if it's ok or not for them to be down, with others, etc.
It can be a bit odd though.. because good attachment does foster independence.. they KNOW mom is there when they need her so they turn and walk away   and some of my kids have a very LONG distance that they're comfortable with being from me. But they come back and know where to find me and I'm there.
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teachingmyown
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| Posted: June 17 2009 at 2:37pm | IP Logged
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Theresa,
First of all, big hugs to you! You are a great mom even to be struggling with this. I am sure your baby feels very loved and attached.
Like Mary said, it depends on the child. My fourth child was (and still is) the most content, happy creature. She would sit in a playpen, or stroller, or high chair and be content to be talked to and smiled at. I needed that because her toddler brother was a terror! Other babies didn't get put down for the first year.
These days, I don't do "guilt". I do give until it hurts or I think I will collapse sometimes, but I can only do so much. My babies get held a lot, and they rarely get a chance to cry. But I do need to shower, or make a phone call, or whatever. I have bigger helpers than you do, so it is easier these days. You do what you can.
Stop reading about "perfect" examples of AP, or homeschooling, or whatever. Ask yourself why the baby is crying and why you can't hold her. If you have to be in the car, she isn't going to grow up feeling unloved. If she likes the shopping cart, put her there. She probably likes the different view. That's really different from being stuck in a stroller and never held. We moms want so desperately to do this "right". But there is no one "right" way that applies to every family all the time. And there are no guarantees no matter how "right" we do everything.
Trust yourself.
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Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
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jdostalik
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| Posted: June 17 2009 at 3:58pm | IP Logged
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Dear Theresa,
You are a wonderful mommy who obviously loves her baby. Everyone's advice has been excellent.
I do not leave my babies at all until they are about one...then I will leave them with my dh for 30 minutes or so (or longer if they have just gone down for their nap). But, this is what my babies and I have felt comfortable with...I have many friends who are very "AP" who have found their children are fine with them leaving at an earlier age for short periods. A lot of this depends on the father and his comfort level caring for a breastfed-only child for longer periods of time. I have never had to use bottles or pacifiers, so my dh was not comfortable with little babies who might need to nurse...but he has always been happy to hold or rock the baby if I needed a shower or even a nap...After all, then, I am just down the hall. 
I do avoid long periods of being in the car with little ones. I just cannot handle unhappy babies in their carseats. In fact, I have had to pull over more times than I can count to nurse a little one who was hysterical. It has gotten to the point that I just limit my outside activities when they are young. My youngest HATED the car...I stayed home and had friends come to me...thankfully, the few places I had to go were relatively close and by the following fall, he had outgrown his intense hatred of his carseat..
Listen to your child; you know her better than anyone...if you feel like she needs to be held, hold her...do not feel guilty about putting her in a safe place and letting her play if she is happy and content to do so...
And the only thing I have never been able to do successfully with my slinged baby was fold laundry--all the other chores have been pretty do-able...
Be sure and take time for yourself and rest and give yourself some pampering while your little ones nap--this has been my lifesaver as an AP mom over the years. In fact, sometimes I still nurse my toddler to sleep for a nap and then just read and rest while he lies next to me...we both feel refreshed after he awakens! I have older kids, now, though, which helps me achieve this!
Hugs to you! 
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Jennifer in TX
wife to Bill, mom to six here on earth and eight in heaven.
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insegnante
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| Posted: June 17 2009 at 5:10pm | IP Logged
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Thanks for all the advice and reassurance so far, ladies. I'm a little distracted so I'll be re-reading what you said when I can better ponder it.
I'm almost always on the same premises when she's with her father instead of me, so he can bring her for nursing or if she just seems unhappy. I'm just really aware of even being out of her sight if we separate in a store or something and she goes with him and not me. I know she'll retain her secure bond with me if I'm not in sight for 5, 10, 15 minutes here and there, but I'm noticing myself allowing longer and/or more frequent stretches that are mainly "concessions" (like to my inability to juggle baby and some important, though not life-or-death, task -- or maybe just my desire to "relax a little" or something else less important) and that's what I've been questioning. I tend not to be great at figuring out grey areas.
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Theresa
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: June 17 2009 at 5:27pm | IP Logged
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that bond should be stretching.. what you did when she was 1 month is not what you may do when she's 8 month or 10 months.. it's ok that she's growing and so is that boundary.. sure, be cautious that you're not overdoing it.. but it is ok to allow that progression.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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LucyP
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| Posted: June 18 2009 at 7:58am | IP Logged
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Theresa, you sound like such a precious, caring, truly devoted mama! I don't have much experience, as I have only had one child at the age of your little one - but I will pray for you to hear very clearly the voice of your own motherly heart to guide you.
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: June 18 2009 at 11:04am | IP Logged
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Theresa, I've read only your OP and will share this thought that may help bring some relief. I am an AP mom and have fond memories of the early years, in particular, for each of my four children. I'm a big fan of the intimacy and sacrifice involved. Recently, we welcomed foster children into home, a 4yo sister and her 3yo brother. I found that the first days/weeks, I needed to be the primary caregiver - the AP mom. Up front I was heavily on and sacrificing myself for them. Once our relationships was marginally established, I did two things. I made time to care for myself more and I followed their lead as to how much and when to separate. I was struck by the pattern...establish relationship with mom and move onto other relationships. I was also struck by my objective need to care for myself as well as the children's resilience and desire to attach (although this is not always the case with neglected children), in spite of their early years of difficulties.
Attachment isn't all or nothing and moms don't need to meet some arbitrary standard of perfection. The reason AP gets so much airplay is for good reason, because we live in a very detached culture. But we as individual moms need to be careful to not over-function, to set a standard that doesn't bring mom and baby mostly a sense of rightness and happiness. If a mom has a solid foundation about what a baby needs developmentally (either intuitively, experientially, and/or academically) then its time to live and learn in the moment with God's help. We can learn habits that help both mom and baby. We can make mistakes and adjust. Guilt, from my experience, can just be a habit and not based on objective reality. So check out the guilt to see if it is valid. If it isn't, shoo it away. If it is, chalk whatever up to being a mistake and then make it right. Really try to limit the "shoulds"...I should do this, I should do that, I should have done this, I should have done that. Take positive action (develop a good habit) each day to direct your life and the life of baby over time.
Well, that all came out in a gush! Sorry if I got preachy on you, Theresa. I know you are a great mom and sometimes I just want to scream that from a rooftop, "YOU ARE A GREAT MOM!" which is *more* than good enough for the children God entrusted in our care.
Praying for you and...
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Jamberry77
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| Posted: June 18 2009 at 12:39pm | IP Logged
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Another thing to remember is attachment parenting is much easier if you have trustworthy adults or older kids around to care for the little darling at times. In earlier times, Grandma or an aunt or two would've been around most of the time, and many other relatives on an occasional basis. Give yourself a break mentally, especially if your husband is away at work for twelve or so hours a day and your nearest family is a fourteen hour car drive away.
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Leocea
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| Posted: June 20 2009 at 9:02pm | IP Logged
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I have had this kind of thought at times too! It really felt weird when I was in a store, and my baby wasn't *on* me. It still feels weird when my toddler isn't with me, but she is so rotten in stores that I have learned not to mind.
I struggle sometimes with the fact that many of my friends who ap parent over 1 or so are finished having children. I have many friends who nurse and co-sleep, who also feel comfortable leaving their babies with their husband or another trusted adult. I, on the other hand, like to have my babies with me for the first year or two. I have had to explain myself so many times, it seems, that I *like* to have them with me. I am just not comfortable with them at home, while I am at a meeting, etc. I nurse for about 3-4 years or so, so I don't usually leave them overnight or for a whole day until then, either. I do have exceptions, of course, when necessary. I just prefer to do it this way.
My now three-year-old is still nursing, and I am expecting her baby sister in 11 1/2 weeks. I guess I have colostrum, and she is nursing a LOT right now. If I leave her with a friend or her older brother or her father for a few hours, she IS happy. She doesn't cry or act upset at all. When I get back, though, I PAY for it later! She is usually cranky and clingy for a day or so. She is slowly growing out of it, thankfully, but to me this shows me that she *isn't* quite ready for long periods of separation.
I have had comments from others with larger families that when you have many children, you just cannot expect to hold the baby as much, or take them with you as much. This is #5 for us, and I just don't agree. Yes, it is different, of course, with more people in the house to care for. Since we put our fertility in God's hands, He has chosen to give us four pregnancies. Two are now in Heaven, my dd is three, and our new daughter will be born in Sept. We have three older children, spaced about 3-5 years apart. Maybe my experience is different, having children further apart, but that is not my choice, it is His. :-)
So, I often wonder if I hold them *too* close, yet I feel comfortable with the way I do things. My children have seemed happy too. I would love to do an overnight retreat, for example, but would *have* to take somebody with me. If I timed it right, I could take my littlest one, and my next-oldest would stay at home. She is still nursing, though, so to me, this doesn't seem fair. I don't know, I think I am as confused as you are, lol. 
I have followed what I thought was best for everyone. It isn't always what someone else would do, and for some reason, I get questioned by friends more than family these days. It is uncomfortable for me, because I feel like they should know how I do things by now, and that it makes *me* uncomfortable, even if the child seems fine. I had a LOT of pressure to leave her last year, when I was considering joining a lay movement. I just couldn't imagine three days and two nights with her at home, at 2. It just isn't how I do things. If others are okay with doing that, I respect that. I just am not at this point. That is a long time to go without nursing when they are toddlers.
If what you are doing feels uncomfortable, then try another way. I honestly don't think that you are disrupting the continuum by pushing her in a cart occasionally. Most likely, the children if those tribes were put down occasionally, or they would never have learned to walk! You sound like a warm, comforting mom who loves her baby a lot!! I think she is lucky that you are so concerned about how your actions affect her.
You are certainly not alone, questioning how ap we are/should be.
Your sister in Christ,
Leocea
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insegnante
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| Posted: June 22 2009 at 3:19pm | IP Logged
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I may be misremembering this or mixing the Yequana up with some other tribe, but I think I've seen a claim about a tribe whose babies' feet never touch the ground till they are a year old or something, and the children of course still learning to walk.
Nonetheless, I don't feel guilty at all about letting her down to explore rather than toting her around in the Moby Wrap all day at home. It's just having her spend time in her seat in the car when there's any choice not to be driving, or in the playpen, or letting my husband hold her either because she's heavy or so I can do a task (even if it's something that he could do,) or going to another room for a nap or a chore or something and leaving her with him for more than a few minutes, like repeated times in the same day, that sort of thing.
Well, this is clearly not a black-and-white issue and I should probably not fuss so much. I would probably write more on this, but I'm too tired.
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Theresa
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: June 22 2009 at 3:37pm | IP Logged
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i don't recall the tribe but yes I do remember learning about a tribe as an example of baby carrying and that they quickly pick up walking once they're down.. that it does no lasting harm in physical developement. But I don't believe it ever went into attachment issues.. just physical development ones.. I don't even remember for sure if it was always the mom doing the baby carrying, or if aunts, friends, older girl children etc shared it.
I don't personally have any problem with my dh doing some of the carrying, he's a parent too and is attached as well. That's one of the things I really like about attachment parenting.. and co-sleeping is that the babies do attach to him even when they hardly see him during fire season because they are with him for sleeping (when he can be home) as well as other times.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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insegnante
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| Posted: June 22 2009 at 3:44pm | IP Logged
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One thing I have noticed is that she'll stay happier longer in the playpen if my husband is watching her and puts her there so he can do something, than if I am doing something and put her there. Any theories why this might be? We're both staying nearby, not going out of her sight.
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Theresa
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: June 22 2009 at 3:49pm | IP Logged
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you give in an pick her up easier.. he doesn't so she plays instead of fusses?
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: "AP guilt"
