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MelissaClaire
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| Posted: May 27 2009 at 1:43pm | IP Logged
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What do you tell a Catholic friend with 3 kids who says she doesn't want to have anymore children because she "can't give them all enough" of her time?
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Melissa
Mom to a dd ('02), ds ('03), ds ('05), dd ('07) and baby due 9/01/09
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stellamaris
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| Posted: May 27 2009 at 2:23pm | IP Logged
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That's right. She can't. She would have to trust God to provide for some of their needs; she would have to be willing to let go of her control over the situation and of her need to be important; she would have to let her children have the experience of helping one another and learning to serve. However, I would not tell her this. If I had a friend like this, I would pray for her and live out my family life so she could see what a blessing it is to have a large family. If she raises the topic herself and asks questions, then you could answer them charitably. If, however, the topic came up because you are trying to convince her to be open to life, or you are concerned with the state of her soul, then your comments may not be well-received as she will feel convicted. I'm not sure from your question if she really wants to discuss this, or if you brought it up. If she knows the use of contraceptives to prevent conception is opposed to Church teaching, then there is not much more to say.
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Caroline
Wife to  dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: May 27 2009 at 2:26pm | IP Logged
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Well, maybe she is right....right now. That is something that often worries me as well. I feel bad when one kid emotionally needs me but I'm busy with the physical needs of another. Some people handle those situations with more grace than others.
As long as she is not wanting to do something illicit to prevent having any more children, that is something that she and her husband will have to evaluate. Just because she feels that way now doesn't mean that she may not change her mind down the road. Then again maybe they will not. As long as they are truly trying to discern God's will and what they feel are the needs of their family, maybe three kids is what is right for them. We are all called to be open to life, but we are also called to be prudent about our decision to have more children.
ETA: I have nothing but respect and admiration for large families, but not every family is called to be a large family. Just because a family consists of "only" two or three children does not mean that the couple necessarily trusts God less or are just being selfish. The friend and her husband may feel that they have very valid reasons for limiting the size of their family even if they might not be valid reasons for another family.
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Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
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MelissaClaire
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| Posted: May 27 2009 at 2:28pm | IP Logged
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What a great response--thank you. My friend called last night and asked me that question after talking to her friend with three kids as they were talking about having more kids.
I'll pass along your response to my friend who asked what to say.
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Melissa
Mom to a dd ('02), ds ('03), ds ('05), dd ('07) and baby due 9/01/09
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Mackfam
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| Posted: May 27 2009 at 2:49pm | IP Logged
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I'd add that God provides graces in the moment - not before.
It is often overwhelming to us mommies when we try to anticipate soooo much...trying to anticipate what life would be like with one more, two more, five more... God specifically tells us not to worry about tomorrow, but to be content with the concerns of the day. My vocation is to beg God for the graces to be generous in the present moment and then cooperate with those graces. I often fail at that, but I pick myself up and try over again leaning heavily on Him. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. If I'm yoked to Him I need not worry for anything - He will provide it all. What a generous and merciful Father we have!
I would agree with Caroline in that it would likely be best for you to just try to live this and do as St. Francis said, "instruct always, use words only when necessary." (I pray I got that quote fairly close!  ) It's a heartache when someone announces that they are closing themselves to life (not discerning, but closing - big difference). But, I know I have **announced** many stupid things in my life...many!!!...only to be so grateful for the seeds of wisdom planted by the Holy Spirit and those families living their vocations faithfully. I've had my own eyes opened so many times, thanks be to God!
Pray for her, answer her charitably and directly if she asks a direct question, and continue to prayerfully open your heart to generosity and direction in submitting to God's plan for you in your vocation....and live it cheerfully. 
Let's all pray for each other as we seek to faithfully live out our vocations cheerfully!
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Jen Mackintosh
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JodieLyn
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Three is the hardest in many ways.. for the first time you don't have enough hands to hold onto everyone for instance.. And you may still be doing things the way that 1 and 2 child families can do them. Three seems to be the turning point for that for many people.
I know that for me the odd numbers always feel harder than the even numbers. And I know that I struggled most before my TWO oldest were both old enough to follow verbal directions reliably.
Also the ages of the kids make a huge difference.
For instance when I was pregnant with #4.. I would leave Mass sweating.. feeling like I'd been running a marathon.. it was HARD PHYSICAL work taking 3 "monkeys" to Mass. But about the time #4 was actually born.. the second oldest was 3 and the oldest was 4.5 and they were following directions and rules much better than they did at 4 and 2.5 yrs. By the time my second child turned 4.. it was like being on a teeter totter and with the two oldest following the rules the younger kids would copy them.. and we had this shift from all the kids needing heavy supervision to keep following the rules.. to most of the kids following the rules most of the time.. oh not perfectly but very much like the other end of the teeter totter getting heavy enough to lift everyone else up.. I call this the teeter totter effect actually  And it keeps happening.. as the kids get older.. and you get enough kids acting older, the younger kids copy the older kids.. and the ones too young to really copy the oldest kids.. are young enough that the oldest kids can chase them and help hold them or can be trusted to not need any correction for a short period of time (the length of Mass for instance) so that your immediate attention can go to the littles again.
But if I took how life was with 3 all 4 yrs and under as a constant.. I would have missed out on so much. People with small families often look at me like I'm insane when I say that having 8 kids with #9 on the way is easier than having 3 kids with #4 on the way. But it is.. physically.. I understand as they get older they may take more mental energy but at least my body can get a break 
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 27 2009 at 3:17pm | IP Logged
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I guess I'm saying.. she probably needs you to meet her where she is.. that where she is IS hard.. and it's ok for her to feel that way.. but perhaps also hold out the hope that as they grow it gets easier. And even adding more kids may get easier as the older ones get older.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: May 27 2009 at 3:19pm | IP Logged
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Isn't the saying around here: "It's not how many you have; it's how many you have under the age of five."
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Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
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stellamaris
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| Posted: May 27 2009 at 3:34pm | IP Logged
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I re-read my post, and it sounded harsher than I intended. Barbara, your response was excellent. I made some assumptions about the reasons behind this woman's hesitation that may have been incorrect. I think I was responding to someone else I once knew! She may not be using contraceptives, and may just be having struggles with her three children, which truly can be a handful! I agree with Jody that three was a tough adjustment. Just because someone expresses fears of parenting a large family, doesn't mean they aren't open to life. And God doesn't have the same plan for every family. It is really up to this friend and her husband to pray and discern the right timing for their children, given that they are being obedient to the teachings of the Church wrt family planning. Forgive me if I was too strident, please.
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In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
Flowing Streams
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anniemm
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| Posted: May 27 2009 at 4:56pm | IP Logged
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Barbara C. wrote:
Isn't the saying around here: "It's not how many you have; it's how many you have under the age of five."
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This quote kind of makes me want to laugh AND cry! I have 3 who are (newly turned) 5 and under and expecting #4.
While I do think 3 little ones is hard, I think having 1 was even harder! That gives me great hope for the future.
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Andrea
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: "I can't give them all enough of my time"
