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teachingmyown
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| Posted: Dec 27 2005 at 4:07pm | IP Logged
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This is the situation with my son, 14:
Two years ago, when we started preparation for Confirmation he stated that he did not want to be confirmed, he did not believe in it and wasn't even sure he wanted to be Catholic. I tried the "do the work anyway" tactic and met only with snied answers and hostility.
I saw that I could not, obviously, force the Sacrament on him. At the same time, I couldn't find an avenue to try to open his heart up to it.
Here we are, two years later, and things really have not changed. The only difference in his attitude is that he wants to join CYO to hang out with his friends and needs to be confirmed to be part of the group. (As an aside, the leader had suggested that Charlie could just kind of slide in and participate anyway, although the rules clearly state otherwise.)
So, because he is no longer homeschooled, he has to attend a high school class at the parish to formally prepare. However, as he does the work and talks about the class, he still has the same attitude, except now he says he will just lie and say what he has to so that he can get confirmed and join CYO. He still says he doesn't believe. He also refuses to go to Confession, although he will still occasionally receive Communion.
I am really stuck here. First of all, I am sure that the class he is required to take will not increase his Faith. He knows the "facts" of the Faith. Being in a class with other teens who are being sent there stands little chance of increasing his love for the Faith.
So do we just pull him out and forget about Confirmation until he chooses it? Or do we keep forcing him to do the work and hope for a change of heart? Rely on the grace of the sacrament even if he is doing it for the wrong reasons?
He will not read anything about the Faith right now and I can't communicate with him about it.
My one other thought was to ask our pastor if he can attend RCIA so that he can be around adults who are actively investigating the Faith. Maybe it will spark something in him that a group of apathetic teens will not.
Please give me your ideas and comments.
__________________
In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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Rachel May
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My friend had a daughter who rejected the faith right after her Confirmation. Their family and ours are very close so I feel for you and will be praying for your family. Through good example and her parents gently encouraging her but not pushing, she is now at a Catholic college and is coming back, but it took a few years and baby steps. A strange thing was that she actually was my boys' CCD teacher last year as a non-practicing Catholic. That says something about the program, but like your son she knew the faith and she taught it with respect.
I have one immediate thought. To receive the grace of the sacrament, don't you need to be in a state of grace? If he won't go to Confession, will he really receive the grace of the sacrament? My catechism hasn't been found since we moved otherwise I would look this up for you.
I pray the answer comes, but I would say don't be afraid of making a strong and difficult decision. My family had to confront this sort of issue recently, and the Holy Spirit has provided. Things aren't perfect, but my brother also did not do anything he shouldn't and the relationships have mended.
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Rachel
Thomas and Anthony (10), Maria (8), Charles (6), Cecilia (5), James (3), and Joseph (1)
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JSchaaf
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I think RCIA might be a good idea-for the most part, attendees WANT to be there...
You and your son are in my prayers..
Jennifer
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Elizabeth
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| Posted: Dec 28 2005 at 6:10am | IP Logged
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Dear Molly,
This one is tough, huh? I would not allow him to do anything blasphemous. No confirmation, no communion, unless there was real faith behind it. But he would be required to go to Mass with his family. I would allow him to attend CYO with the leader's permission. We know that faith is a grace; it's caught, not taught. He can't snub his nose at God, which is what he's doing when he plans to lie, but he can be in the company of believers. I'm reminded of CS Lewis, who "hung out" with literary and spiritual mentors like Tolkein, just talking in the pub. He wasn't a believer. God used those associations to get things rolling in Lewis' brain. We readily agree that relationships are the key to the heart and mind of a child's education. CYO will allow some of those relationships.Make sure the youth minister knows the whole deal--he's a youth minister because he wants to minister to youth. The kid who doesn't believe in God is the one who needs him the most. Any good youth minister is going to know that.
YOu live the faith at home. He will continue to be immersed in it and he will have the "book knowledge" of it. He may not be confirmed before he leaves home. I was an RCIA sponsor for Campus Ministry several times when Mike worked at George Mason University. They have a phenomenal campus ministry right there on a secular campus. I remember thinking how lucky the confirmandi were. Because they were older and they had chosen confirmation, in many ways the experience was richer than mine had been in the eighth grade. I'm very grateful for the graces I received when I received them. And I think Charlie is foolish to deny himself those graces, but the door remains open. If he chooses CYO now, perhaps he'll choose campus ministry later. He's been baptized and he's been raised in the faith. A little flicker of faith is still burning there, despite his protestations.
You've been sowing the seeds all his life. Catholicism is his heritage. For whatever reason, he's choosing to reject that part of his heritage. Sometimes, in an argument, the kindest thing we can do is stop the other person before he says something he will forever regret. Charlie's arguing with God. Don't let him lie; don't let him be sacrilegious. Help him to leave the door open. Give him the key to the back door, so he doesn't have to dig in his heels on this one. And don't underestimate the power of those friends in CYO--the ones you chose when he was little, the relationships you helped him nurture.
And then pray. I'd begin a perpetual novena to St. Monica. And then I'd pray a novena to St. John Bosco for the youth minister.Don't nag. Don't let him see you fret. Just pray.
I'm praying for you Molly! Your firstborn sure does make the others seems easy doesn't he? 
__________________
Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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mumofsix
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Dear Molly,
My heart goes out to you. You have received some good replies.
To clarify, Catholics are bound to receive the sacrament of Confession once per year minimum, during Lent or Eastertide. A failure to do this means that that Catholic is no longer in a state of grace, and therefore may not receive other sacraments, including Holy Communion and Confirmation. To do so would be to commit a futher grave sin, of sacrilege.
To avoid the risk of pushing a child into a sacriligious act, as parents we should never require our children to receive any of the sacraments. They must be completely free to decide for themselves. (Of-course reasonable encouragement, good religious education, family culture etc. is all fine, just so long as there is no element of coercion or pushing.)
Mass attendance and attendance at family prayer is different. It is perfectly reasonable for a family to require even a young adult, still living at home, to join the family at Sunday Mass and at daily family prayer, as a matter of obeying reasonable "house rules", respecting the family's culture and the parents' beliefs and giving a good example to younger children.
Your problem is slightly different in that your son is willing to receive certain sacraments for apparently cynical reasons. I would say two things. Firstly, the cynicism may be skin deep. That is to say that he may be saying these things and even believing them to an extent, out of rebellion etc. but may deep down have a real need for grace which is some way he recognises. Secondly, Confession is the key. That is quite a difficult sacrament to receive cynically! The rules of the Church in any case mandate this, at least yearly.
Praying,
Jane.
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Sarah
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I second St. John Bosco as intercessor. I thought about you last night, lying in bed and he came to mind. I'll pray for you. By the way, if you need a formal prayer to him I have one, specifically for the intention of youth. His feast day is coming up. . .Jan 31st.
Also try, St. Jude, St. Rita (brought her husband to deeper faith), St. Paul
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Six boys ages 16, 14, 11, 7, 5, 2 and one girl age 9
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teachingmyown
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Thank you all.
Elizabeth, you always clarify things for me so well. Admittedly, I am entrenched in the thick of it and have difficulty moving past the emotions.
I was looking at CYO as Charlie getting away with something. You know, getting the reward without doing the work. Your perspective makes so much more sense. Now more than ever, it is important that he maintain those friendships.
As far as the Sacraments, I know I can't force it and can't allow him to receive something he does not believe in. When I have asked him why he will receive Communion, he doesn't really answer me. I have told him that if he does not believe in the True Presence then he should not receive. I guess I need to go further and explain the need to be in a state of grace.
I am praying and trying not to panic. And yes, he makes the other kids seem like a piece of cake!
__________________
In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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Leonie
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Molly,
My heart is with you. I have one son who practices the Faith and has a deep faith but who also struggles sometimes with cynicism and depression.
To be honest, I can be cynical wrt the Faith sometimes, too. 
Prayer is the thing. Really and truly.
Elizabeth is so right about the encouragement of others in the youth programme. I also pray to the Saint after which my son is named, for his intercession. Perhaps you can do the same - St Charles Borromeo?
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Leonie in Sydney
Living Without School
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ALmom
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Molly,
Elizabeth was quite succinct and did a great job - so no further advice here. You have sure had some tough years. I will be praying for you and your family.
Just thought I'd throw out something of encouragement. In 6th grade, I told my parents I wanted to convert and become Baptist. Basically I thought Catholics were not Christian. It was quite a bombshell for my parents. My dad was so quiet and the only thing he asked was did this mean that I would not pray for him when he died.
They followed a line very much as Elizabeth recommended. My mom and dad basically put their foot down as far as while I was living under their roof at home and I attended Mass with them - but did not recieve Communion or go to Confession for many years. From then on until after college, I had every intention of converting and my parents suffered a great deal on my account. My grandmother asked me a few things - saw that I was very entrenched in what I thought and a bit too hard headed for her to be able to say anything that would help. From that point on, she never brought this up again - years later, after I finally came around, she shared with me that she had prayed a rosary for me every day for all those confused years. I believe that is why I found my way home. Go to our lady in the rosary.
I also know that any watering down of the faith made me doubt even more. Ie one priest seemed to think I could go to communion even with my crazy ideas - that made me doubt even more as it didn't seem like the Real Prescence was taken too seriously. Also lack of reverence and some of the silliness in liturgy made it hard for me to believe.
But in the end, the faithful prayers of those who loved me, the grace of my Baptism - brought me home. Don't lose hope or waste time beating yourself over the head. These woman on the board are great prayer warriors - .
Prayed a Hail Mary before sending this.
Janet
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: When they reject the Faith...
