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LucyP
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| Posted: May 07 2009 at 8:12am | IP Logged
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I've just had another incident with my children and our neighbours. DS was tossing handfuls of pea shingle in the air in a purely playful way (not aiming at anything) and one family member starting shouting over the wall (with the new gate/fence they can no longer see over at us) to stop and then swearing and being verbally agrressive. I called the children in and said that it was wrong to disobey DADDY's rule about throwing stones and had to deal with carrying a screaming fighting DS out to hold him in my arms while I apologised (he would not apologise as he was too distraught). After a talk, he couldn't control his feelings and was again throwing stones in a defiant way, so they are no locked indoors on a lovely day.
I'm not sure what to do. Our garden is not big. OPtions for playing inevitably are small. There is a sandpit. Currently there is no digging/planting soil as the neighbours cats foul it (hopefully the new fence will minimise that). From the house I can't seee the children in the garden, and I can't spend all day out there myself so I try to cope with having doors/windows open so I can hear them.
I want them to feel safe and happy in their garden, and after last year when the agression and shouting from next door terrified our son I don't want that again: my children already have enough trauma and issues. But I overheard them saying something about how ironic it was that we go to church (I couldn't really hear through DS's screams!) and I don't want to be a poor witness nor have neighbour problems that escalate.
Any ideas on safe, containable, non-supervised garden play? And how I can facilitate it without being too directive! Or on dealing with neighbours better? We like the children to be outside as much as poss - and at the moment all free play is out there. When we can afford it, DH plans to build a shade structure and get a table and chairs for outside suitable for home schooling at, so maybe then we can have all outside time supervised and free play inside, but meantime - this is sooooo stressful.
Edit to add: I was wondering what garden play equipment would you recommend for a small garden - we can't have a big exciting fort or multi-activity do-dad, but slide or swing or seesaw - what has worked well for your children?
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Sarah M
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| Posted: May 07 2009 at 10:24am | IP Logged
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Oh, this sounds like a difficult situation. I'm sorry to hear it.
How old are your children? That may make a difference in how to handle it.
Unfortuantely, the neighbor cats foul up our yard, even though we have it fully fenced. When ds was only 1, he even ate some of it before I found it  . It's a bit easier now that they are getting old enough to recognize it and stay clear of those areas. But really- what a pain.
I wonder if there is some way you could win over the affections of your neighbors. You know, repay unkindness with kindness? Maybe bringing cookies or something of that nature--then maybe after you've made some kind of progress with them, you could mention how you would really appreciate that they watch their language around your children, and that if they have any concerns about your children's behavior, that perhaps they give you a call on the phone instead of directing their frustration to the children.
On another note... if your children are in your garden and the neighbor is being verbally agressive and rude...that's totally not okay. That infringes on your right to enjoy your garden and for your children to feel safe on your own property. If they are renters, I think I might seek out their landlord and make a complaint. If they own the property, I don't think it would be out of line to let them know that if they talk to your children inappropriately, you will have to get authorities involved.
I'll be praying for you as you handle this touchy situation- that you would be strengthened. I see that you want to be a good witness to them- and that is so honorable of you. I would have a very hard time mustering up kindness when someone has yelled at my children like that.
Praying for you!
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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: May 07 2009 at 11:48am | IP Logged
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Oh, Lucy, I'm so sorry to read about your trials w/ this. To be locked inside on a lovely day would distress all of us...even Miss Charlotte Mason would be totally beside herself. 
She even writes that "intimacy w/ nature makes for personal well-being." You and your children both need this.
Miss Mason also focused on children living in areas of the city which only had small places for outdoor play.
I've had her "Home Education" book on my desk this past week and will look in it for some words of wisdom (and possible ideas) to offer you.
Perhaps all of us who have CM's works can look and see what can be done for your situation.
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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stellamaris
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| Posted: May 07 2009 at 1:09pm | IP Logged
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This sounds so difficult. Would it be possible for you to plan your day to be with your children when they are outside? I know that's a real pain, but that way you could both monitor their behavior and run interference with the neighbors until the situation settles down. Maybe if your neighbors know you are always out there when the children are, they will back off.
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In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to  dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
Flowing Streams
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LucyP
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| Posted: May 07 2009 at 1:32pm | IP Logged
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Sarah, the children are 2 and 5. And as they have issues related to their past before adoption, they really really don't need this sort of thing, even more than other children. DH did before ask for them to speak to us, and the response was "I'll say what I want" and the dad of the family is generally fine - it's been the mum, the son and now the daughter-in-law who seem to be ready to get verbal. I really want to downplay it, so long as the children are safe - I spent quite a while talking to our 5yo about the soft answer turning away wrath and just saying "sorry!" and seeing it as a sacrifice, even when I wanted to go and scream back and I know DS was so angry and upset.
Thank you Cay - I would appreciate the CM input! I let the children back out this afternoon and they played so freely and imaginatively, fighting dragons (and feeding baby dolls to dragons!), making "tree houses" in some felled laurel bushes...and came in to supper so tired, hungry and dirty that it did my heart good to see.
Caroline, I am thinking me being there will be the answer. Actually the children do need supervision at all times, because of issues DS has, and I keep thinking of his chronological age and not his emotional/behavioural age. It is just so hard to lead family life, keep house etc in a house like ours and still keep the children under the kind of supervision and input they need.
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JodieLyn
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You might also ask the authorities exactly what recourse you have, so that you can calmly say that that is ________ and you may be forced to call the authorities if they don't desist.
Maybe a video camera with sound so that you can capture that your children are in your yard and hear the neighbors' abuse as well? You might need to tell them you're turning on the video camera now (I'd do that after I hit the switch so that the very first thing recorded was the warning that you were doing it) But that would also be something to ask about.. it might help be more than your word against theirs.
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saigemom
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| Posted: May 23 2009 at 1:02pm | IP Logged
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Lucy,
i understand what you mean about being tired and how it is hard to supervise 24/7. We adopted an older child and it took me a little bit to adjust also. You'll think this is funny, but I really found inspiration in reading some Christian fiction about the Amish.
They keep their children with them for chores a lot. That is the approach I have ended up taking. It makes a HUGE difference. They cook with me, clean with me, I go outside when they are outside. When I need a bit to myself- they go to their own rooms for rest time/quiet time-where they can read or play quietly, but it must be on their bed. It's just the way it has to be right now .
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 23 2009 at 1:20pm | IP Logged
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I don't do a swing.. because I'd have to be outside.. littles have no concept of space issues with a swing.
Even a small fort might be lots of play.. a small platform with a ladder to it.. and a space underneath for a play house or sandbox.
We had a little boy here just last night that called our back yard a play ground.. all we have is a sandbox and one of those largish plastic play structures for the 5 and under (or so) crowd.  But apparently a sand box with cars and trucks and things to dig is all that's needed to impress a a 5 yr old
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G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: May 23 2009 at 1:28pm | IP Logged
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Lucy~
Given the ages and the needs that your kids have, combined with the neighbor situation, I would tend to say that you being with them at all times. While the weather is nice (and it's really only a few months out of the year) it's worth it.
During July-Aug-Sept when my kids were all 5 and under, I would organize my day differently so that I could get a certain amount of things done while I was supervising outisde. Get a couple baskets or boxes or portable projects (think of it as your portable office), ready to go, so that you CAN get some things done outside. Make an effort to ONLY do these things outside, with the kids, because you CAN:
**chop vegetables
**pay bills
**computer work if you have a laptop
**make phone calls
**fold laundry
**open mail
**organize, make lists so that your inside time in the evening is well-spent time doing things that you can ONLY do indoors.
**read
**portable filing box....to file and do paperwork
**organize drawers or anything that is portable
**wipe things down
**make shopping lists
When I was in this phase, I made sure that i was NEVER doing these things at night or while the kids were inside.....it wasn't a good use of my time. I asked my dh to help me. I pinned the list up and said, "If you see me doing any of these things at night....tell me to stop!" 
If there are quick things you need to do inside that help move things along....ie: switch the laundry....I would tell the kids, I'm going inside for 2 minutes, give them a cracker and tell them to sit "right here" next to the doorway. And, I'd run.
I would also take 10-15 minutes, where I would corral them all up, and have them follow me around while I did a "couple things"....and they would help....it was all just fast, fast, fast.....me constantly talking, singing and moving quickly......making a game out of it.....switch laundry, sweep kitchen, put roast in oven, couple stacks of laundry away, clear off counter.....then back outside......the key being to keep talking to them, making them think they're helping and moving along....no more than 15 minutes. Make a game out of it.
Also, realize that your house will probably look like a bomb went off during the day....accept it and do what you can in the evening to swoosh everything back into place. This too shall pass. It's totally worth it to have them outside during nice weather!!!
Doing this.....being out with them and being able to immediately intervene, will pay off so much in a couple years.
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Suzanne in ID
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: May 23 2009 at 1:33pm | IP Logged
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Outside stuff that doesn't take up a lot of space:
**sandbox---can even just be a big bin / bucket / barrel with sand in it
**plastic teeter totter
**kitchen (or something that resembles it) with lots of bowls, plates, cups, pitchers for pouring/playing with water, sand, rocks, etc.
**child size table and chairs
**balls, beanbags
**mini-pool
**outside strollers, dolls, people
**hoola hoops
**logs
**baskets & bins
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Suzanne in ID
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: May 23 2009 at 1:39pm | IP Logged
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We have had one of these Slides for 6 years now, and it's never lost it's attraction. Now that some are older, they do "other things" on it....so it's not just for the little ones.
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Suzanne in ID
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 23 2009 at 1:56pm | IP Logged
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what about those "pop up" playhouses? like tents sorta.. you can also get tunnels to connect two of them or just play in..
ahh I was thinking of PlayHut mega play house
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: May 23 2009 at 2:29pm | IP Logged
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And these caterpillar tunnel things
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Suzanne in ID
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Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Playing in the garden
