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Maggie
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| Posted: April 20 2009 at 7:54am | IP Logged
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That the gifts that she and her mother (my children's great grandmother), are inappropriate?
And furthermore...that they give way too much...too frequently?
In general, we don't like "characters" of any kind, as I think few characters are suitable role models for children.
Aside from that...they are into "quantity" and not "quality", which is the opposite of my husband's and my philosophy...we would much prefer one, good toy as opposed to 5 plastic toys...kwim?
We have given "lists" at Christmas...but my MIL has told us that she just did not like the gifts on the list...
Every holiday in between is a gift-giving opportunity...I mean...every holiday: Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Easter...and then there are the "non-holidays" where my children get boxes and gift bags (or multiple gift bags) of stuff. Sheer stuff. Most of which we do not approve of...at all.
We do not want to hurt their feelings or have them think we are ungrateful. I realize how blessed we are to have grandparents who dote on them.
But it is too much.
On top pf that, we believe it is affecting our 4yo's behavior. When we get the mail, she now asks persistently if there is a package for her...and if there is not, and there is one for me or her daddy, she can't believe it and becomes angry.
When she received gifts from relatives yesterday (it must have been $40-$50 worth of gifts), she was sooooo ungrateful and demanding. She exclaimed, "which bag is mine!!!" in such a demanding voice...and before I could correct her, great-grandma said, "oh, you don't get one bag...you get TWO!" Great. My daugher's ill-behavior was just rewarded doubly.
She was not thankful for the gifts...and even told grandma and great grandma, "but I already have two of these!" (Which is true...grandma already got her a pair of dress up shoes)...to which they responded "well, you can always use more!" (Again, this does not jive with our philosophy of "one is enough."
How on earth do we approach this?
We have already done a good deal of donating gifts to good will, etc...but I think that is unfair for my dd to have to do that everytime...it breaks my heart to have her have to give away her shiny new gifts, but at the same time, some of them just cannot come into this house either because we think they are morally reprehensible...but our families would think we are nuts for that.
I am sorry for the rambling post...but my dd has a birthday coming up in 3 weeks...
God Bless,
Maggie
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Martha
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| Posted: April 20 2009 at 8:40am | IP Logged
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I got the message to my mil (it took years btw!) by not giving them to said child. If we deemed it inappropriate, we said so when we opened it the wrapper and refused to open the box. We'd either return it to a store or donate it. It never entered the house.
And for the attitude - we made it clear that the slightest disrespect or ingratitude would automaticly equal no gift or takign the gift away. (oh man, the first few times we loud and unpleasant, but had to be done!)
I'd like to say there's somethign to say that works, but really there isn't. You can't control how other people spend their money or the gifts they buy. But that does not mean you do not have total control over what you allow in your house.
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Martha
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: April 20 2009 at 10:57am | IP Logged
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It was relatively easy for me.. I'd said something about not liking a certain toy and my MIL asked what I'd do if they got it for the child anyway.. and I looked her straight in the eye and said I'd get rid of it.
She apparently believed me  But I also give more leeway.. I don't worry too much about characters (those can disappear when the new-ness wears off) since the ones that would be morally reprehensible, they don't get to watch or anything anyway.. and just the picture isn't going to corrupt the kids unless of course the picture is reprehensible and in that case it would simply go in the trash.
Cheap plastic toys will follow many of their kind and end up in the trash sooner rather than later.
and your children will see first hand how well the quality things that might cost more will last vs the cheapie toys that break in a week.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
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folklaur
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| Posted: April 20 2009 at 11:32am | IP Logged
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This is so tricky, I think...
The problem I see is that I can't think of a way to do it without hurting feelings. Especially if "gifts" happen to be Grandma or Great-grandma's "love language" - it *is* going to hurt them, as they tie their emotions to the items.
I hate hurting people's feelings. 
And I know it doesn't make any sense - when they spend as much on a bunch of cheapy toys, when they could have gotten one quality toy, etc. I know it is frustrating. My in-laws buy things we would *never* purchase, and my Mother is now too financially strapped to buy anything.
DH said his parents were always like this. He just kinds of ignores it. We get rid of things that are inappropriate. And we always try to do a toy purge before Christamas, so we can give things away then.
No real good advice, sorry...
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Mackfam
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| Posted: April 20 2009 at 11:36am | IP Logged
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I face this myself, Maggie...and I find in reading Jodie's post that I do things almost exactly the same way she does...right down to the character-based toys.
My husband and I agreed that once an item is gifted it is ours to do with as we see fit. And we do!
Offensive gifts are not allowed out of the package or into circulation here. Period. All the other *stuff* is received, not opened before a thank you is offered to the giver (I'm strict about this - no thank-you, no gift!), played with shortly, and moved on quickly to the next phase of its existence - given away, re-gifted, thrown out.
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Jen Mackintosh
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: April 20 2009 at 11:41am | IP Logged
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Many of those cheaply made plastic toys wind up costing a lot of money! I never succeeded in getting my point across to the grandparents, but I have a thought about a suggestion you might make. Okay - the thing that really bothered me was that the grandparents would spend a fairly large amount of money on unnecessary, stupid (in my and dh's minds) junk. Like most parents of several young children, we were living very frugally. It would have been a huge help if the grandparents, who seemed to have no problem spending money on the dc, had redirected that money into something like shoes or clothes. Not that I would want them to make the choices on those items , but I would have liked them to give me "shoe money" to help with our very real needs, and to give the child one inexpensive item that seemed like fun to the child. Especially with young children, they don't know the difference. The grandparents can still be *fun*, and spend the same amount of $ on the dc, but it would be less of a waste from the parents' point of view and would reduce the clutter in your house. Just my 2 cents, but maybe this is something you or your husband could talk over with the generous grandparents.
Peace,
Nancy
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Maggie
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| Posted: April 20 2009 at 11:53am | IP Logged
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Nancy,
I know what you mean about "needing" very real things!!
I would LOVE to return some items just so we could use the money to buy our children things they really do need, BUT my in-laws UNPACKAGE EVERYTHING before giving it...or...if something is packaged, they rip it open, knife at the ready, before I or m y husband can say anything.
It is "stupid junk."
So...we tried to suggest maybe giving money for a gymnastics class, etc...NOPE. Wouldn't do that either. Stupid junk still comes.
I agree with all the women here in that we control what comes in or stays out...but I just hate doing that EVERY TIME we get toys...I mean...EVERY TIME. If I only had to do that once or twice a year, ok...but my dd gets very sad and confused. She just opened a present, for goodness sakes.
I'm just confounded by the whole thing...
Maggie
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Maggie
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| Posted: April 20 2009 at 11:57am | IP Logged
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I think, also, that part of the issue is that my husband and I find a great deal of things offensive that seem so normal to our parents. ie: Barbies (and barbie anything), Bratz, immodest clothing, etc...
It's two different ways of thinking entirely...though, we have tried to guide them with lists (that they asked us for), but they have since stopped asking since they did not like the lists we were giving.
That makes me frustrated...we know our children best and what they like...and what we like...and it's all good, quality, imaginative stuff, kwim?
Ugh.
You are all wonderful for replying. Just commiserating makes me feel better. 
God Bless,
Maggie
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guitarnan
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| Posted: April 20 2009 at 12:00pm | IP Logged
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If necessities don't appeal to them, what about art supplies, sports gear or musical instruments/lessons? Those are gifts that have positive, lasting impacts.
I agree, it's hard to say, "Please don't," without hurting feelings. It's hard to say, "We don't buy these," without making the well-intentioned giver feel rejected. Harmonious family relationships are very important.
If you politely persist (and offer ideas, suggestions like Nancy's, varying lists, etc.), eventually they will see that you are serious. It takes time, and lots of it.
Please consider asking St. Anne to pray for you as you tackle this issue - as a grandmother herself and the loving mother of a much-beloved child, she knows how all of you feel.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: April 20 2009 at 12:42pm | IP Logged
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Maggie wrote:
| but my MIL has told us that she just did not like the gifts on the list... |
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I agree there is no way to do it without hurting feelings at least a little, but given that they said the above, it seems that they don't mind expressing this opinion--which can be hurtful, too, and not just annoying.
I am very blessed to have family that is respectful of our preferences and try to buy accordingly (they at least try and buy things like what they think we'd like if they fall short of our ideal sometimes ).
One thing that has worked if they don't like your *list* is giving a more vague list. Like, at Christmas, we said, "The boys are really into puzzles lately and we find the Ravensburger brand to be a good quality that the boys really like." We got Ravensburger and not the exact ones we might choose but nice all the same and not Elmo or Spiderman, yk?
Another tactic might be to give them fun catalogs that are a bit more mainstream in nature but still offer good quality that isn't vulgar. Land of Nod always has good quality which, if not my first choice like stuff from Nova Natural, I wouldn't be upset to have any of the stuff in my home.
Also, The Magic Cabin, has a fun catalog that even people who don't "get" the appeal of playsilks and other Waldorfian toys find fun stuff. Again, maybe not your first choice, but not as obnoxious as the average toy from Target or Toys R Us.
I think that being firm in the presence of the grandparents about their being appropriately thankful for the gift is important as others have stated. I know you don't want to make your children "greedy", so, given your circumstances this might be a bad idea, but what if your children politely "requested" certain toys themselves. Let the kids peruse the higher quality catalogs and show grandma and grandpa what *they* really want. Maybe that's manipulative and doesn't get to the heart of the problem , but perhaps it would help the problem of what kind of toys they buy.
Or, find a "brand" of toy your kids can collect and get super excited about that could be gotten consistently. For us, a safe choice would be Playmobile--some kids love legos and even the mainstream "sets" can be dumped in a tub with the other stuff for pieces. Then you could say, yk, the boys really loved these and I think they would love to get more of it.
I think you probably can't get them to stop altogether, but maybe the upcoming birthday is a good opportunity to try again at redirecting their generosity to things that you and your husband won't find offensive.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
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[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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Stephanie_Q
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| Posted: April 20 2009 at 12:58pm | IP Logged
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I feel your pain! This was a big problem with my mom early on; and not just toys, but clothes, too. My parents live far away and sent their love in packages. It helped to talk about how we want to live more simply, clutter-free lives and how sending so many clothes and things was such a burden to me. Piles of laundry; buckets of toys dumped about b/c the kids have no respect for their mountains of stuff. When she saw it in terms of making our lives more difficult and not better, that helped. I talked to my mom about how she could really help and show her love for the kids without burying us all in stuff. It's gotten better. Like Lindsay said, our boys have a wooden train set and that is nice to "add on" to. The girls have a play kitchen and doll house and have gotten "stuff" to add on there.
An idea for getting rid of toys is to take away things the kids fight over & toys that get abused or don't get put away. That way you don't have to wait until they break, but you're not being "mean" by telling them "You can't have that" to every gift. (although sometimes you just have to be mean - my husband has been very firm about 'immodest' styles regarding the kids clothes and their toys). This worked well for us until the new law on lead in children's items kicked in and the thrift stores and charities in our area aren't taking toys any more...so we can't even GIVE the stuff away! I'm looking forward to a chance to unload a box of stuff at a friends garage sale...and I guess that the leftover stuff no one wants is going to end up in the landfill, as much as I hate the idea of throwing stuff away...
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dd 6.02, dd 8.03, ds 3.05, ds 12.06 at Catholic school.
dd 12.09 at home.
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JodieLyn
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hmmm I wonder if perhaps they don't want to order from catalogs or online? maybe if you figured out what stores they have available and then what products are available there.. you'd have better luck with your lists?
Also if you make the lists more chatty? like saying that your daughter saw this or that thing in the catalog and has brought it to you multiple times saying she'd like to have ______________. (mine sometimes get the fun catalogs to wish shop in for a while)
That might also help. Not you "imposing" your wants and the children would really rather have what "everyone" has.
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Waverley
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Thanks for the great suggestions for redirecting gift-giving CrunchyMom! Your advice makes so much sense and hopefully will eliminate any hurt feelings.
We too have a no character and no electric toy policy at our house. Our children know this and accept this. When they are given a gift that is not a good fit for our family, they always say thank you to the gift-giver. We have taught them to never criticize a gift or tell the person they cannot keep the gift. They understand that that person gave them a gift because they love them and that is what matters. We return what we can. If the package is opened, we either consign it or donate it to a program for children that accepts gently used toys. I don't mean to imply that you don't teach your children the same thing - just explaining our policy.
I do understand your frustration. I hope things get better.
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Waverley
wife to Dh for 19 years, dd (16), dd (11), dd (8), ds (6), dd (4), dd (9-13-1996)
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: April 20 2009 at 1:19pm | IP Logged
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something else you might do is have a gift "exchange".. it doesn't have to be cost for cost.. but having some little things tucked away for your daughter to exchange the toys that are leaving anyway for a little toy that can stay.. then she at least has something to keep.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
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folklaur
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| Posted: April 20 2009 at 2:47pm | IP Logged
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cactus mouse wrote:
This is so tricky, I think...
The problem I see is that I can't think of a way to do it without hurting feelings. Especially if "gifts" happen to be Grandma or Great-grandma's "love language" - it *is* going to hurt them, as they tie their emotions to the items.
I hate hurting people's feelings.
And I know it doesn't make any sense - when they spend as much on a bunch of cheapy toys, when they could have gotten one quality toy, etc. I know it is frustrating. My in-laws do not buy things we would *ever* purchase, and my Mother is now too financially strapped to buy anything.
DH said his parents were always like this. He just kinds of ignores it. We get rid of things that are inappropriate. And we always try to do a toy purge before Christamas, so we can give things away then.
No real good advice, sorry...
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WHOOPS! that should read My In-Laws ALWAYS buy things we would not purchase. sorry!!
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Maggie
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| Posted: April 20 2009 at 2:59pm | IP Logged
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CrunchyMom wrote:
Maggie wrote:
| but my MIL has told us that she just did not like the gifts on the list... |
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I agree there is no way to do it without hurting feelings at least a little, but given that they said the above, it seems that they don't mind expressing this opinion--which can be hurtful, too, and not just annoying.
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This is it for me.
I guess I was super hurt when she told us she did not *like* our list and instead substituted what she thought was appropriate. I think, for me, that was a way of saying, "I know what is best for your child," or "I don't agree with how you are raising your children."
We get the feeling that they feel like they need to get our children more *worldly* things so that our uber-Catholic, home schooled, "unsocialized" children might have a better chance at being normal.
So...yes...the rejection of our list, that my MIL asked for (was not imposed on her), hurt immensely.
But perhaps I am being prideful.
At the same time, I do think my husband and I need to level with his parents more...because for us, it's not fair to not be able to be ourselves and to have our "uniqueness" respected, you know?
I think, at this point, my question is, "how do we level with my husband's parents charitably?" DH would rather shoot off an email and be done with it. I tried explaining that that may not be a good thing to do, but he does come from a family that would prefer to not communicate over communicating, kwim?
Tough one, here.
God Bless,
Maggie
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folklaur
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| Posted: April 20 2009 at 3:18pm | IP Logged
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weird double post thing happened
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folklaur
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| Posted: April 20 2009 at 3:25pm | IP Logged
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cactus mouse wrote:
Maggie wrote:
CrunchyMom wrote:
| [QUOTE=Maggie] but my MIL has told us that she just did not like the gifts on the list... |
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I agree there is no way to do it without hurting feelings at least a little, but given that they said the above, it seems that they don't mind expressing this opinion --which can be hurtful, too, and not just annoying.
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This is it for me.
I guess I was super hurt when she told us she did not *like* our list and instead substituted what she thought was appropriate. I think, for me, that was a way of saying, "I know what is best for your child," or "I don't agree with how you are raising your children." |
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I am really sorry your feelings were hurt. :(
But, well, I guess I still wouldn't use that as a reason to hurt someone else.
And, I think we as Moms sometimes tend to "read in" the extra stuff that you posted above.
Since it is DH's parents, and he wants to send them an email, I would at least consider letting him handle it the way he wants to.
And, can I just say, just because this is the second time around here recently, that really good, "uber-catholic" homeschooling familes can actually like Barbie just fine, and they don;t have to be in the same league as "Bratz" or other "scandalous" and immodest toys. Scandalous is a strong word. (And we are not Barbie fans here, I just think that ol' Barbie is getting a bad rap...)
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amyable
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Stephanie_Q wrote:
| It helped to talk about how we want to live more simply, clutter-free lives and how sending so many clothes and things was such a burden to me. Piles of laundry; buckets of toys dumped about b/c the kids have no respect for their mountains of stuff. When she saw it in terms of making our lives more difficult and not better, that helped. |
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Ditto here. What bothered me especially in our case is that my parents don't HAVE a lot of money (they are in tremendous debt) yet they continued to spend spend spend on junk. I won't go on and on about the reasons it bothered me  but I would always imagine them needing to move into our tiny house (which would NOT be a good idea, let me tell you! just because they wouldn't stop buying our kids mulitple, "junk" gifts.
I hate to call it "junk" they meant well, I'm sure. But so so often my mom would say, "We know you already had two ride on toys like this, but Dad insisted we get this one for Jeffrey's first birthday." Ummm, thanks! THREE ride on toys in our small cluttered house is just what we need!
They have gotten much better since they moved closer. They still get our kids more gifts for a holiday than WE do (which irks me no end) but at least they are starting to listen. A bit. I think what probably had the most impact was seeing that, yes, we really *were* passing things along, and their money was going right out the window.
I also tried talking to them about our goals, etc, for our family *outside* of the gift giving time. I tried to make sure they understood it wasn't a direct hit at THEM, but was just the way we had to live due to lack of space, interest in not hurting the environment, etc.
Hugs to all who go through this! This materialistic culture drives me nuts. 
__________________
Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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hylabrook1
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Several times we would have had just a normal conversation with my in-laws in which the topic of certain popular toys came up (Teddy Ruxpin, a big wheel bike when my child already had a tricycle, you get the idea), and dh or I would expressly state, "we don't like that; we don't want our dc to have one of those". The next time we saw the grandparents, the undesired item would be given to the child, accompanied by the comment, "Well, if we give it to them directly, there isn't much you can do about it."  Clearly, our ideas weren't being respected, and it made us see red. They were right - they handed something to the child, the child embraced it, often just because it came from grandma - and I guess I wouldn't want them to react otherwise to the gift someone gave to show love. BUT what I've come to recognize is that, just as we felt that our ideals and opinions were being trounced on by the grandparents, they felt the same message was coming from us - it seemed to them that we didn't think they had good sense when it came to what a child should have. I can get it that someone could take that message; that's the flip side of the message we took when they over-rode our *veto* of certain possessions.
In an ideal world, the grandparents should respect the parenting decisions of the parents. I still feel that the decisions about *stuff* are a big part of the values we try to instill in our dc, and the making of those decisions, in the proper order of things, belongs to the parents. I take it as part of the graces of matrimony that we are guided to make those decisions. Again, BUT, I also know that dh and I tend to think these kinds of things over much more seriously than many people, specifically our own parents. They honestly didn't get it that we should have such strong opinions about *just a little toy*, or whatever. Honestly, I don't know how to communicate in a way that they will understand and accept. My in-laws, like yours, have never been good about communicating about communicating, either; that certainly doesn't help matters. The only thing I can recommend is to try and remember that their perspective is so different from yours and the way you tend to read what goes on is really not at all the message they are trying to send.
Peace,
Nancy
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: How to tell your MIL...
