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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: April 17 2009 at 12:48pm | IP Logged
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I'm not sure how to articulate my question exactly, but I find that it is rare that I'm the only person to experience any particular difficulty in family life, and the collected wisdom of the ladies here is something I find immensely helpful!
For background: my husband and I think a lot alike. We don't have very many things that we fight about.
We do a lot of household things together. My dh is very handy and does carpentry work on the side in addition to his desk job. The side work kind of pays for the hobby (nice tools). Dh bought this house before we were dating and has put a lot of work into redoing it all. Most of our shelves and things, he built.
Now, with three small boys, living in 1100 square feet has become challenging, and boys are also somewhat destructive meaning that things we once had are no more. As you all know, its a constant rethinking and reorganizing to keep our home in any sort of order.
My husband doesn't really like the little things at the end, yk, like painting, and there isn't a room in the house that doesn't have some little spot that just needs to be finished. The trim in the bathroom, the ceiling in the dining room, etc... Not to mention all the little "projects" that new needs have invented (like a little shelf here for x).
There are a few bigger projects in the works for this summer, too. I try not to nag, but well, today we were sitting ouside in the chairs that are falling apart. I mentioned that I would really like some new chairs for outside, and he wants to build Adirondack chairs. Very nice, only, this has been his plan for THREE YEARS and he just hasn't had the time. He really wants to build them himself, but in discussing it all, he ends up frustrated because there are so many things he needs to do both at home and at work and as side jobs for others.
Now, this isn't about the chairs exactly, but that's what it was about today, yk? In this particular scenario, my inclination is that we just buy some outdoor furniture, even second hand, and be done with it so he can work on the stuff we can't buy (like the porches or finishing up the projects in the house). I have never understood the women I see who seem to run their household without consulting their husbands. Like my SIL who painted the brick fireplace in their living room while her husband was away on business. She buys and decorates their home without her husband's input.
However, I feel powerless to do anything because my husband is unwilling to hire anyone or buy anything he can do himself. I'm not opposed to finishing trim or some drywall, but I don't have the types of kids who will stay away while I do a project. I know that as soon as I opened a can of paint, it would be "all over", iykwim 
I don't want to "take charge." While that is overwhelmingly what I feel like doing, I know that it wouldn't make either of us happier. Its the hard part about submitting to my husband because I know I don't "have to." If I stamped my feet, cried, bought, whatever, I know I could get away with it. I'm pretty sure I could "get my way" if I chose. And my husband is a strong man, but he does not hold his authority over me.
So, while he feels like my requests are a burden, I feel like he *makes* them a burden by clinging to the desire to do it all ourselves. I don't want to take things to him if they are an added burden, but I don't feel like I have any freedom to take care of these things on my own--especially since my own time and ability is limited while taking care of three active boys under the age of 5. I feel helpless to do anything without recourse to him, but I feel like he shouldn't have to be burdened with each and every purchase, etc...
Any insight, advise, or just, "yeah that makes sense I've been there"s would be helpful!
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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Willa
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| Posted: April 17 2009 at 1:15pm | IP Logged
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My husband is a little like yours, and I am a little like you, I think. My husband is a busy man and we really DON'T have too much extra $$$ to spare. We both like the "partner" style of making decisions in household things and I don't like to weigh him down any more than necessary.
Anyway, we had a situation like yours a couple of years ago with the chairs. Our old ones were breaking(they were hand me downs from my husband's grandmother) and my husband wanted to make new ones but he had a backlog of other things -- like the porch half-finished, etc. He likes to do things RIGHT which is great but takes time and energy which are at a premium for him right now.
I managed to convince him to buy the folding chairs that you can get at Costco. They aren't very pretty but they are a fraction of the price of good new chairs. The way I convinced him was that even once we had the "real" chairs we would still be able to use the folding ones -- for company, for upstairs, etc. They could easily be stored once they weren't being primarily used anymore. So they'd continue to be useful and having them would for the interim would give him more time and space to plan his custom chairs.
Of course, we may end up using folding chairs for the rest of our married life!  That's one drawback. But anyway, the chairs are better than they were before.
I know you are asking a bigger question about how to work around the situation where he WANTS to do things but you don't want to burden him. I probably can't answer that because like you I rarely just go off and buy major things without consulting him. Our budget is just too tight right now.
One thing that I just started to do recently, since we were thinking of moving and getting the house ready for a move, was to put up a private blog. I take pictures of the things that need to be fixed and then add a couple of notes about priority, links to possible resources, etc. That way when we're together I'm not actually, verbally unloading these demands on him -- which is very important to me, because we don't have all that much time together and I don't want it to be all "Honey, Do!" He can just look at the blog when he's in the mode of fixing up. I haven't done it long enough to know if it's a real solution but it made me feel less burdened, because I do notice more of the problems around the house than he does, but I hate to keep nagging, etc.
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AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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Lauri B
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| Posted: April 17 2009 at 1:22pm | IP Logged
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We've been married 20 years and my hubby does the same thing! :) He will never pay anyone to fix anything - other than difficult auto repairs. We've discussed finding a middle ground, and are continually working on that. I've tried to illustrate how much he makes per hour at his job, and show that if something takes HIM 20 hours to do, it's the equivalent of $ x 20 + materials. Often, more than it would cost to buy it ready made.
However, I do want to add that when you own a house, there is always some little thing to do. So, as soon as the ceiling is patched in the kitchen, the shed needs to be painted, then the fireplace needs sweeping and the lamppost must be replaced. I tend to be a perfectionist who finished each of her jobs in the home as nicely as possible. (I'm like that as a knitter, too, I never begin another project before finishing the first.)
My hubby is not the same kind of person, so I always need to be careful not to apply my method of job-doing with my hubby's method. Of course, I think *my* method is morally superior, so it's an especially tempting thing!
:)
I do think all these things should be discussed. It's often helped me to make a list of all the things I think need to be done, then to prioritize them in order of MY preference. Then, I'll talk to hubby about my preferences. Somethings REALLY bother me, and are very important to me. Other things I would like, but can live without.
Just some thoughts and empathy! Hope it helps...
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: April 17 2009 at 1:23pm | IP Logged
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Thanks, Willa. Its nice to not feel alone. The folding chair solution is a good one--and might even work in this particular situation if my husband didn't want to make *folding* adirondack chairs
The blog idea is a good one! I will have to think on that one.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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Anneof 5
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| Posted: April 17 2009 at 1:59pm | IP Logged
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This sounds like my dh, also. Some things he did manage to let go of, like the cradle for the new baby. She is turning 22 this summer and it never got built for the next four children either. Or the bed he was building for us. A friend brought me an extra frame they had when I was very pregnant and tired of sleeping on a boxspring and mattress. We eventually got a new one of our own.
He starts lots of projects, refuses to hire anyone except for things he absolutely cannot do, and I also do not feel I can just go out and make the big decisions. We make most major decisions together and for the things I really think are important I just have to gently remind and start way early so they are finished in time. Right now I am trying to get things finished up for a June graduation party and I will probably be holding my breath til the last minute! In some ways we are really alike but for some reason he really enjoys flying by the seat of his pants and waiting for the last minute. (and I don't  )But somehow we make it work out.
Anne
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: April 17 2009 at 2:10pm | IP Logged
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Not about a dh who does projects.. mine would like to but when we have the weather he's working so I have a bit more leeway in doing things myself or hiring them out (when I can)
But you mentioned that 1100sq ft with 3 boys was challenging. There are a number of threads on living in small houses.. and I have to admit I giggled at that a bit..
there's 10 of us living in 1096sq ft.
But the reason I posted is that there are a number of threads about living in small houses and solutions for things.. so you might try searching for that.
And when all else fails.. I try and listen to the song "Little Houses" by Doug Stone
the refrain is
Quote:
But you know, love grows best in little houses,
With fewer walls to separate,
Where you eat and sleep so close together.
You can't help but communicate,
Oh, and if we had more room between us, think of all we'd miss.
Love grows best, in houses just like this.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: April 17 2009 at 2:20pm | IP Logged
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Thank you Lauri and Ann! Much to think about.
Do you find, though, that your husbands feel overburdened by it all? It seems that for me to convince my husband that he shouldn't do these things himself is to make him feel like a failure--which he's not. Just human. Which he loathes
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: April 17 2009 at 2:33pm | IP Logged
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JodieLyn wrote:
| there's 10 of us living in 1096sq ft. |
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Well, I just checked the county's website, and apparently our home is 1050 (I must have exaggerated)--but we are convinced we can make it work a bit longer as you've proved
And I have SCOURED the small house threads--which is partly why I have all these projects I want done. I need our storage to be fleshed out a bit--my husband just does NOT feel the same sort of urgency for bookshelves that I do--another thing I'm tempted to just buy. Sure he can do it, but its not a priority for him.
I think it has a lot to do with the fact the I'm home ALL day most days, and he's just home in the evening. Making do isn't so bad for a few hours as it is for the entire day, yk? I'm sure he doesn't get that our house feels like a cave if you never get to leave it. He works in a renovated mansion on a 23 acre estate. Stressful job, yes: cave like, no.
But I'm not sure how to express how intensely these things bother me without sounding like "I hate our house" which I don't. I love our home--but it is more difficult for me to deal with things emotionally than it is for him since he can escape it physically (even though I know his stresses are high as working provider, I think that the physical things don't affect his emotional well being as they do mine!).
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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SusanJ
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| Posted: April 17 2009 at 3:18pm | IP Logged
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Lindsay,
We don't really have the home projects issue at our house--probably because we don't own yet! But I know what you mean about burdening your husband. I've found that the two things that really help in our relationship are making it clear which things are a priority to me--and why. Maybe you've already done that but maybe your husband thinks anything in the home is all the same to you and he just works on his own set of priorities. Or if he's primarily working on money-making side jobs maybe you need an alternating projects system.
The bigger thing, though, is that I e-mail him with my requests. This is similar to Willa's blog idea, I think. He feels burdened--and has a hard time concentrating--when I let him know what I'd like him to do. Our main times to talk are breakfast and dinner and there are a lot of people competing for his attention! Otherwise we have "date night" and I don't want to take it up with a list as someone else also said. So I send him an e-mail, often with links and a summary of my research and my own proposed solution, then I leave it to him. He can process and think through my concerns so much more easily. Sometimes he doesn't have time to make a decision or fix it himself but having it all in writing he realizes that I'm perfectly equipped to make the decision and act on it myself so he just tosses it back to me.
Good luck!
Susan
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Mom to Joseph-8, Margaret-6, William-4, Gregory-2, and new little one due 11/1
Life Together
[URL=http://thejohnstonkids.blogspot.com]The Kids' Blog[/UR
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: April 17 2009 at 3:31pm | IP Logged
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One thing is to compare it to his work equipment.. that these are things that YOU USE every day all day long.. and when you don't have the proper equipement you spend way longer on tasks than you should and have to put more work in as well.
He would want the proper equipement for his job.. and so do you.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Mackfam
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| Posted: April 17 2009 at 3:46pm | IP Logged
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Lindsay - I can relate to much of what you wrote.
I'm a bit of a bulldozer by nature, so learning to balance a yielding and soft spirit towards my husband with an independent and assertive spirit in accomplishing tasks around the home was challenging for me. I'm not sure we're there yet. I started so far behind the curve.
Anyway, the turning point came when I realized I needed to collect my thoughts in prayer and get to the bottom of what was going on before I spoke with him on the subject (lest it turn into a whine-fest on my part)...we ladies have a tendency to remember every infraction and annoyance the minute the floodgates open and I was no exception. I really wanted to distill this right down to what was troubling for me. And, that was...
?? what does he feel strongly about retaining complete control and say over and therefore would appreciate me consulting or discussing with him first?
*and*
?? what does he want to/have to entrust to me (which does not imply he isn't the leader, just a good home manager who is delegating some of his authority)?
Once I figured out where I was having a problem and why, the key to a solution I knew would lie in our ability to communicate our frustrations charitably to each other so that we could be solution focused. We agreed we'd approach the subject but if either of us got flustered or annoyed we'd both step back and take time and approach it again another day (that was REALLY hard for me as I just wanted to have the discussion, find a solution, and move on it already!) I like Willa's and Susan's ideas of email/blogging some of the issues concerning you. Getting them into a format like that might help you feel you're at least making a list and would be an easy reference for him to know what's next, what's most important, where you both feel his time/talents should be applied next.
I was able to learn what he felt passionately about and why, which helped me to be supportive of him. He learned why I enjoyed a visually pleasing home. I don't think he realized how important is was for me until I related to him how my Granny used to lament the women's lib movement saying, "we didn't know what we had...we used to be queens of our castles." I relayed to him that this was our castle, and that I was in it all day long, all week long, educating our children, awakening in them a sense of the supernatural amongst the ordinary. I needed beauty, order, simplicity. I could create some of that on my own, but other parts of it I needed help with and I needed him to know how important it was for me...for our children...that our home, no matter how simple, modest in size or decor, needed to be beautiful. After we talked, he got it. That's not to say that I don't have to be patient - but he did understand that though he may only be here for a small part of the day, sometimes these walls are all we see all week. They need to breathe beauty and open our minds to possibilities not suffocate us in incomplete projects and disorder. (I'm writing from a very personal viewpoint everyone...please don't cream me for it!)
Because we took the time to communicate about this outside of ongoing frustrations pertaining to the subject I think we both had shared perspectives and it was a fruitful time for coming up with solutions. I learned that the best solution for us was first to discern the priority a project ranked...this involves another of those sit down talks where you work to not get frustrated but to communicate honestly a need, a want, or a passion. I let him take charge of the projects he feels very strongly in retaining control/creative leadership on, but we agreed that we wouldn't start until we had the time/money/energy to follow it through so that the project would be completed in a reasonable time. If a project has high priority, he's generously learning to allow for creative solutions (re-purposed, or fixed up thrift store finds or attic fixers) that allow for his time to be spent more wisely on other demands.
In purchases, I do most of the legwork on every purchase - hunting down deals, sales, coupons, thinking and re-thinking pros and cons of a purchase, considering make at home options...then I present it to him.
We have to revisit this on an ongoing basis with a growing family, outside the home commitments, a very busy work schedule for him, and aging parents that he is helping...his time is so stretched right now. I think each new season of life brings the need to sit down as husband and wife and communicate together to see how we both can help each other and where God is leading our family and who will carry what part of the load...always with the understanding that my husband is in the lead. The key, I think, is in mutual respect and communication. I *needed* to understand and communicate to him that I understood and respected why he felt the way he did. I needed him to do the same for me. Then, we had to move on to the hard part of compromise and solutions that worked for our family.
My preview button isn't working so I have no idea if there is a coherent thought in here...I'm just hitting post...
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Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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Mackfam
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| Posted: April 17 2009 at 4:05pm | IP Logged
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JodieLyn wrote:
One thing is to compare it to his work equipment.. that these are things that YOU USE every day all day long.. and when you don't have the proper equipement you spend way longer on tasks than you should and have to put more work in as well.
He would want the proper equipement for his job.. and so do you. |
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Jodie is so pragmatic! That's a great perspective to offer!
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Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19, ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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Lauri B
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| Posted: April 17 2009 at 5:34pm | IP Logged
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CrunchyMom wrote:
Thank you Lauri and Ann! Much to think about.
Do you find, though, that your husbands feel overburdened by it all? It seems that for me to convince my husband that he shouldn't do these things himself is to make him feel like a failure--which he's not. Just human. Which he loathes |
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I think if most husbands were honest, they'd say they feel overburdened by all the things they *want* to do or provide for their family, and the reality of not being able to do it all. I suspect it's just human nature. In an ideal world, we can do everything we dream of doing. But in reality, we're limited by time, ability, and finances.
I don't believe it has to be a fail or pass thing. My hubby tends toward all or nothing thinking, and I usually have to continually come back to finding a happy medium.
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Sharing the Burdens
