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Becky J
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| Posted: March 30 2009 at 10:35pm | IP Logged
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A few months ago, my 4 1/2 year old daughter started blowing "raspberries" at me -- essentially spitting at me. Now her 2 1/2 year old brother does it, too. This behavior makes me very upset, but I am unsure how to stop it. My instinct is to tell them to stop, explain they are being disrespectful, and if they don't stop, slap them in the face. But I feel guilty about striking them this way. I have also tried holding my daughter forcefully, looking her in the eye, and demanding that she stop -- all to no avail. And I have tried telling them "I will not pay any attention to you when you behave this way" and trying to walk away. But the only way this works is if I go lock myself in my bedroom, and then it seems awfully strange that I have to lock myself away from my kids because they are ganging up on me!
Along the same lines, I also have a problem with the 2 1/2 year old boy hitting me. My husband's instinct is to spank him or flick his ear to show him who's boss . . . but again, I feel guilty about the use of physical punishment. But just holding his arm and saying "Don't hit mom" doesn't seem to get the message through.
Has anyone else dealt with these problems? Do you have any advice for handling them effectively?
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: March 30 2009 at 10:49pm | IP Logged
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I've heard of making them spit until they get tired of it
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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Philothea
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| Posted: March 30 2009 at 11:04pm | IP Logged
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Are they doing it to be funny/gross or are they doing it as a sign of disrespect?
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Waverley
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| Posted: March 31 2009 at 11:20am | IP Logged
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I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. One of my dc did this to me as well and I have to say it really pushed my buttons. Here's what we did and it finally worked:
1. On the first day of my "new" program (I didn't tell her we were starting a new program), the first time she did this I explained very calmly that it was unacceptable and why.
2. Every time she did it afterwards (I mean every time), I calmly removed her from the room where we all were and she had to be by herself. I realized that she was spitting to get my attention. She eventually learned that spitting did not get my attention - it resulted in her isolation. Also, the key was to calmly remove her without giving her negative energy or explaining again why she was being punished. She received the most minimal amount of my attention and energy as possible.
3. Another time, we were all going to the Zoo and on the way to the Zoo, she spit. It was hard, but my husband turned the car around and she and he went home while the rest of us went to the Zoo. He didn't play with her at home either. She had to play by herself until we returned. It was very difficult but she learned that her behavior (spitting) had real consequences. Again, there was no screaming or explaining - no "why can't you behave," no "here is why we don't spit." We calmly turned the car around, my dh calmly took the child into the house, and calmly told her she would not be able to go because she spit. When we came home from the Zoo she played with us again. There was no continual grudge holding by us. She had been punished and we moved on.
4. Finally, we found a neutral time (a time when she was not being punished) to talk to her about other appropriate ways to express her frustrations or desire for attention other than spitting. When she used one of these alternative techniques, we stopped, gave her our attention and praised her for using one of these alternative techniques.
It took time and consistency but it was very successful. This method has worked to correct many unacceptable behaviors.
Hang in there and good luck!
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Waverley
wife to Dh for 19 years, dd (16), dd (11), dd (8), ds (6), dd (4), dd (9-13-1996)
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: March 31 2009 at 12:08pm | IP Logged
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I have a friend who drove the "no spitting" thing home by telling her son how the soldiers spit on Jesus.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
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[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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Sarah
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| Posted: March 31 2009 at 10:36pm | IP Logged
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My 3 yo has hit or even kicked me and it has been at a time when he is trying to tell me something. He gets firmly but kindly picked up and put in his bed. If he gets out he's out back. He might scream and flail but he is removed from my attention.
When he is calm, I asked for an apology. He always gives one and is sorry. Then I asked him what he needed. Or we get what it was he wanted if it was a true need. If its like a cookie right before dinner, we try to redirect.
I also try to head it off before he gets that mad. I try to truly give him attention.
I would do the same for spitting. Being in the bed can be as short as 2 minutes or several hours if they fall asleep crying or if it needed a longer removal. I tend to like shorter for younger kids because I think the making up and acting polite and being welcomed back with the family as a nice child right away hits home better.
Hope it helps. It IS a stage and will pass. Make sure the spitting or hitting isn't a cry for real mommy time that they need. I know my guy sure acts better when I have been attentive and loving before it gets so bad he blows up.
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Six boys ages 16, 14, 11, 7, 5, 2 and one girl age 9
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Spitting and hitting kids -- what to do?
