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Barbara C.
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| Posted: March 23 2009 at 3:41pm | IP Logged
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Do any of you have a child that is particularly surly? My middle child is very adamant about not wanting to be looked at or talked to at times. She also does not like affection. The only one she will give kisses to is the baby, and she will not allow anyone to give her kisses. She will only sometime give hugs.
Sometimes it's comical like the times she cried that her older sister ".... her". At first we thought she said her sister hit her, but it turns out her sister had KISSED her.  Other times we have to discipline her because she screams at me and my husband if we talk to her when she doesn't want us to do so.
When she is in a good mood, she is funny and sweet. But her mood turns on a dime, and she becomes surly if not downright rude. Otherwise she is pretty easy going, self-entertaining, and very self-aware. (She's told me when she was ready to nap or go to bed most days since she was 18 m.)
I guess I'm just curious if anyone has an unaffectionate and surly munchkin and how you handle it. My husband is super-affectionate, and it drives him crazy. Plus she's just so darn cute that you want to love on her but she won't let you.
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Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
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mom3aut1not
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| Posted: March 23 2009 at 3:55pm | IP Logged
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Barbara,
Could she be tactilely defensive? People who are tactilely defensive often find kisses and hugs -- or any light touch -- to be anywhere from unpleasant to painful. I have kids who have mild to moderate tactile defensiveness. I don't usually ask for hugs or kisses from them, and I also demand that others not demand kisses or hugs -- even siblings.
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sewcrazy
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| Posted: March 23 2009 at 4:17pm | IP Logged
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That was my thought also. Being sensory defensive could explain her surliness also. SD people get overwhelmed easily and often get "cranky". I do not care for casual touching. My dh still does not "get" this and my tensing up is often mistaken by him as 'fussiness' on my part.
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LeeAnn
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: March 23 2009 at 6:09pm | IP Logged
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I really don't think it's a tactile issue. She does other forms of tactile affection in her own way, like sitting on laps or snuggling on the couch. Her daddy gets hugs out of her by letting her "squeeze out his eye balls".
It really seems more like a preference to want things on her terms. We do try to respect her boundaries and not sit down and force her to hug and kiss. Sometimes we try to "steal" kisses on the top of the head, and sometimes she's fine with that. And she thinks kissing is perfectly fine as long as I am tickling her like crazy while I kiss on her neck and cheeks. Basically, we have to make games to be allowed to love on her.
I have noticed that her surliness is usually worse when she is tired. At bedtime she gets angry if someone tries to tell her good night. Until it started getting rude and annoying, we used to joke that she just had a low b.s. tolerance.
Actually, my older daughter has more tactile issues as part of her spirited temperament, especially when it comes to clothing. However, she is also very physically affectionate. She won't go to bed without giving everyone a few kisses. So you sometimes wonder if it's one of those things of the younger sibling trying to unconsciously differentiate herself.
I don't think my daughter has some sort of issue, per se. Some of her traits are reminiscent of relatives. (My grandmother was notorious for her blunt opinions, and my nephew is kind of stand-offish.) I was just curious if any one else had a kid quite like this one.
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Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
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Erin
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| Posted: March 24 2009 at 3:19am | IP Logged
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Barbara
I really encourage you to look into the 5 Love Languages. I have struggled with the fact that one of my Love Languages is Touch and it is definitely not my dd's. By understanding the Love Languages I now realise that it is not that my daughter doesn't love me, it is just that she doesn't have the same way of expressing it as I do. I wish I had read the book when dd was your dds age. We would have avoided so much conflict.
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amyable
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| Posted: March 24 2009 at 7:05am | IP Logged
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My 3yo (will be 4 in May) is JUST like this. Like you, I wonder if it's just being a control freak and not some kind of "issue." If anyone does anything she doesn't want to have happen, there is wailing and gnashing of teeth. You can imagine our days are filled with bliss around here
I *have* noticed a slight improvement as she heads toward her 4s. I also find that the more we really listen to her, and empathise as she is wailing away, the better she is. We don't have to give in, just tell her we know how hard it is when ________ happens. There is still a lot of crying, but not so much anger anymore.
You know bringing it from all day every day to only 80% of the day.  (OK so I'm exaggerating. A little. )
Can't wait to hear if anyone has any better advice!
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amyable
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| Posted: March 24 2009 at 7:16am | IP Logged
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I do want to add that it could be tactile defensiveness - I'm definitely tactilly defensive, although a bit better than I was as a kid (my poor family - both former and current!  ) I like being touched, but only on my terms and exactly on my terms and if it starts being something I don't like (which often happens), it takes a lot of my energy to get over that and be the kind and gentle mom I'm trying to be.
I also get overwhelmed when more than one person is talking to me, or two things need my immediate attention at the same time, or someone tries to break into my concentration more than once (i.e. interrupt me on the computer once, and I'm OK, but if I've gone back to looking at it and you try to talk to me again, and then again, I need to take many deep breaths. )
Anyway, I didn't mean this to be a tretise about me just wanted to show that TD can show up as control freak behavior and not always appear in other ways. 
ETA: goodness, I really sound like a freak here. But you wouldn't know it unless you know me *really* well. I hide it when out and about, but it really drains me.
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Amy
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: March 24 2009 at 9:24am | IP Logged
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Amy, I didn't think you sounded like a freak at all. In fact, you could have been describing me to a point. I sometimes get overwhelmed when two people try to talk to me at the same time, like if I'm on the phone settling an issue and my husband keeps trying to remind of something about the issue. And nothing drives me more insane then a little kid running tight circles around my legs. "Unnecessary" touching really annoys me, too.
I'm not really "worried" about my daughter. I worried more about my older daughter until I figured out she had a spirited temperament. I understand that DD#2 just has her own unique temperament, and it is probably more similar to my own than I realized. I am not a touchy-feely person by nature, but I think I thought a lot of this from my family of origin not being very affectionate (you have never seen more awkward hugs).
It is possible that she has auditory/tactile stimulation issues that are just different than the ones I am used to in her older sister. And I have always said that she is the most self-aware little one that I have ever known. I guess because of this she is able to better verbalize it beforehand rather than melt down afterwards like her big sister. It just seems like being three has amped up her natural stand-offish nature, sometimes to the point of rudeness.
I guess I worry most about the rudeness and tempering that. She's going to have to learn that we are allowed to talk to her even when she doesn't want to hear it. I think the whole thing really gets to my husband, though, because he is a very physically affectionate person and he feels like he's walking on eggshells and giving in to her because he's scared that if he makes her mad she'll withdraw her affection even more.
It really makes you appreciate every spontaneous hug or "I love you" more. Or like last night when she said, "I don't hate you, Mommy."
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Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
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snowbabiesmom
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| Posted: March 24 2009 at 10:39am | IP Logged
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Oh my goodness, I've never heard of this, but it makes perfect sense. I have a bit of this TD, and after reading some info to my DH we both agree our oldest has a bit too. Our oldest has mild CP, and I really should take her to a check up with a neurologist, not that it would change anything, but it is nice to know that there could be a reason for why she seems stand-off(ish)..
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Topic: Surly and unaffectionate...
