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Anonymous
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| Posted: Jan 09 2009 at 6:12pm | IP Logged
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We have recently had a huge falling out with one of our children's godparents. The details would be difficult to explain, but the godmother talked to many people, spreading gossip and outright lies about us. We knew about two instances, which we could have gotten past, but today we learned of downright slander she has committed in our community. This affects our family and also our business. We feel so betrayed and sad. My husband wants nothing more to do with this family, which will be difficult for all the children. We are especially sad for our child, who now effectively has no godparents. The circumstances make this situation unlikely to be resolved.
So what do I do and say to my child as she grows up? I know we can't give her new godparents, but would it be inappropriate to ask some dear long-time friends privately to spiritually adopt our child? I just don't know what to do.
Your thoughts and experiences would be so helpful. Thank you.
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LisaR
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| Posted: Jan 09 2009 at 6:39pm | IP Logged
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you can kind of start afresh with a confirmation sponsor. this is the first thing that comes to mind.
I don't have any godparents (long story) and am estranged from my RCIA confirmation sponsor (went through RCIA in very liberal parish, they even called me "Fr. Lisa" and said they couldn't wait to see me become a priest!!)
however, I do not feel like I am missing anything.
I suppose it's sad, but not the end of the world, kwim?
just pray for these people, but Iwould not make too big of a deal out of it.
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
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many little saints in heaven!
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KC in TX
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My oldest's godfather passed away a couple of years ago. We asked a very close friend to be surrogate. I know that he can't be the official, but he does a lot for my son.
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KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
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MaryMary
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| Posted: Jan 10 2009 at 6:02pm | IP Logged
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When I was very little, my parents had a huge falling out with my Godmother. As an adult, I still do not know what it was about. In fact, it happened when I was so young, that I don't even know my actual godmother...who she is or what she looks like (I have no pictures of my baptismal day.. bum roll of film!)I only know her name. Thankfully, I did have a very involved, very loving Godfather in my life. Nonetheless, my parents were very careful not to speak negatively about my Godmother. They just never mentioned her. When I asked them about her they were very, very vague and gave no details.
When I was about 10 years old a lovely lady entered our family's life. She was the mom of four young children, and I babysat for her. She was such a loving and faithful lady. She introduced me to Eucharistic Adoration, and she would encourage me to watch Mass with her on EWTN. She would call me and say, "I'm coming to pick you up, let's go to confession/Mass/or the local religious bookstore." I asked her to be my confirmation sponsor, and she is still the lady I refer to as my Godmother. She has done more for my faith life than nearly anyone else.
Just like God provided a surrogate for me, He will provide one for your daughter. I wouldn't hesitate to ask another faithful couple to spiritually adopt her. Depending on how old she is and how much she knows of the situation, I would have her pray for her godmother.
Hope that helps!
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Mary
Wife 2 1
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10 Bright Stars
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| Posted: Jan 10 2009 at 6:41pm | IP Logged
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I am so sorry to hear about this. It is difficult to go through, I am sure. Our second son's godfather isn't in our life anymore. He was a good friend of ours in the past, but has fallen away etc. My FIL warned us not to choose someone who was not a family member to be a godparent. We chose 2 people who were not family to be this particular son's godparent. One was a dear older woman who sort of mentored my then boyfriend, now husband and I when we were two young, mixed up kids. She is very faithful to remembering special days for him and his birthday etc. I think she is actually more active than a lot of our other godparents for the kids, although I am sure they pray etc. It does make my son sad though since he does think this man doesn't "care" about him which is sort of hard to explain. I do tell him he "hopefully" prays for him.
Having said all that, I would tell your son that there was a problem between you all and that they may not be in your life anymore. I would maybe tell him that they probably will continue to pray for him, but you are going to be very carefull about a Confirmation sponsor etc. Maybe he has a grandparent or a favorite aunt that he could ask to spiritually adopt him in a special way, and then they could take over the godparenting duties?? Just a thought. I know this is a difficult spot to be in. I am very sorry that you have had to suffer in this way.
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Kim married to Bob (22y)
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Bobby 19, David 17, Noah 14,
Mary 12, Gracie 10,
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At_His_Feet
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I just wanted to thank you for this thread.
The God parents of our eldest 2 do not pract. their faith. Well one does, but in a very luke warm way. In fact at the time they were baptised it was difficult for us to chose faithful Catholics are there weren't really anyone in our lives who really lived their faith. 
I hadn't thought about asking someone else to spiritually adopt them.
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Tricia
Mum to 3 boys 17, 15, and 10.
Do whatever He tells you
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juststartn
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We have this same problem with our oldest. Fortunately (or unfortunately, I suppose) *NONE* of our dc's godparents live close by, and the ones who are most active do not do so much in the way of physical things, ie, presents (they just had their 6th, so aren't financially able to do much anyway), but DO pray for them each and every day (family rosary, etc).
We have godparents for the other three, oldest dd's has fallen away completely. Second dd's..just not really...as well catechized as we would like. Third dds are outside of the Church at this time...and ALL of them are family. The boys' godparents are the first from outside of the family. And we will continue to be pulling for the "not in the family" pool should we be blessed again in the future...
Rachel
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mimmyof5
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We to have the same, and more than once.
For our oldest we chose my dh's brother and his wife. Well, they are now divorced, and the wife is no longer a practicing Catholic.
For our second we chose my sister (she's now off and on with her faith) and my dh's closest friend for over 25 years. He has also fallen away from the faith and got involved in several religious arguments with my dh. When dh wouldn't back down on his stand regarding abortion and other issues, the friend quit speaking to dh. Shocked doesn't even come close to describing how we felt.
For our third dd, we chose very close, very faithful Catholic friends. They're still faithful Catholics, but unfortunately our friendship has ended - due to issues I had no control over. My dd hasn't heard from her godmother in 3 years.
Our twins seems to be in the best shape; we chose dh's sister and her dh. Both practicing Catholics and a solid couple.
So for us even choosing family hasn't always been the best. Just thinking about it upsets me. Hopefully, your child will find an older, faithful Catholic to be part of their life. That's what I hope for mine.
Janet
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Jen L.
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I have a similar problem with 2 sets of my kids godparents. I have asked other faithful parents to pray for them as I wish the godparents were.
I have also seen it as an opportunity to pray for the godparents themselves. My kids don't know the details but we always pray for their godparents. It's the only reason I can fathom that God let me choose them  
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JodieLyn
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Quote:
| I have also seen it as an opportunity to pray for the godparents themselves. |
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Jen, just so.
I've been trying to get here to say just this.
We choose dh's brothers for our first and second children (one each) and now neither are practising their faith. The cousin that seemed like such a good choice we hardly hear from.
but we've had friends who have been very faithful Godparents. Harder to see with the local ones because they don't have to try and stay in touch. We see them all the time. As a matter of fact, the godmother of my 2 and 4 yr old was my oldest's sponser for Confirmation.
And amazing when you understand how very neglectful I am of correspondance.. my 3rd child's godmother not only remembers her but includes the other children as well.
And just the other day my oldest mentioned she was praying for her godfather (one of dh's brothers).
There were reasons for the poor choices.. mostly that we had very little choice. I'm a convert so noone in my family is Catholic. And most of dh's family are nominal Catholics if that. And we moved a lot. Now that we've been in one location for a number of years and really got a chance to know people we're rather faced with the opposite... having to choose among many. I can think of 4 couples off the top of my head that we'd be comfortable with here. A veritable bounty.
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lilangels
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My parents also had a falling out with my godparents when I was child so I don't think I knew much of them past the age of maybe seven. Prior to that we got together all the time. But really I don't think it mattered much in the long run as idealistically nice it would have been to have been close.
What really matters, I think, is what happens in the family - which in my case wasn't good either. It is my goal not to repeat the mistakes of my family and consequently I don't concern myself much with the lack of orthodoxy in my children's godparents who we love and stick with on the grounds that they are family. All of my kids have the same aunt & uncle as their godparents. I was against choosing non-family because they can be transient. It was slim pickings finding relatives who even went to church and could get the coveted letter!
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LeeAnn
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I guess this is a common thing!
My daughters were baptized a few months after I finished RCIA, so all their godparents/sponsors were fellow RCIA'ers. We moved over an hour away from that parish and only hear from them in Christmas cards now if at all. An older couple acted as godparents for both my older daughters and they came to Fiona's first communion two years ago, but not to Helena's and now this is two Christmasses in a row I haven't heard from them. So I worry that something has happened to them health-wise or such.
My son's godparents are members of our current parish but that relationship has become somewhat strained as well. His godfather has become very lax about Sunday Mass attendance and there have been a variety of other lukewarm behaviors on their part. It's sad, but true, that it's difficult to find faithful godparents. We don't have any Catholic relatives (but one, who left the Church in the 1940s) but many devout Protestant ones, so it's frustrating.
I look forward to my children choosing their sponsors at Confirmation.
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Topic: Handling Failed Relationship w/ godparent
