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teachingmyown
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My shopping is done, except for my difficult 17 yr old. This child causes me so much stress and isn't doing the things he needs to do, such as schoolwork and helping out at home. And yet, I want Christmas to be joyful for everyone. Part of that, for us, is a few gifts that are wished for.
Dh has had it with this child and says to only buy necessities for him, like a new sweatshirt. Ds wants things we can't and/or won't give him: a car, a driver's license he hasn't done the work to get, a shotgun (a big deal out here in the "country") and, gasp, a tattoo!! 
So, he hasn't asked for one thing that I will get him and dh says he doesn't deserve anything. What do I do? Is it wrong to shower a defiant child with gifts? (What does that tell the other kids?) Or is it wrong to give that child underwear and socks when the other seven are getting fun things? What's a sentimental, soft-hearted mom to do? 
One last thing, this is a kid who has dreamed of being a Marine for years. It looks like he may not be able to do this because of knee problems. So, he is discouraged and confused. I want to help him find a new direction. I want to be positive and encouraging. I don't know if this is relevant to my question, it is just there in my mind as I try to work through this.
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Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
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JodieLyn
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well let's see.. you could get the things he needs and try and get what he likes in those within what you'd allow.. so picking his favorite color sweatshirt or a team logo or such.
Perhaps some books on figuring out what your talents would be good for.
Perhaps something on dealing with severe disappointment.
There's that book someone has mentioned here "What Does God Want?" that might be useful if he wouldn't not read it just to be defiant.
The question is really can you earn gifts? If you have to earn gifts, then he apparently is not eligible. But if gifts are freely given because the giver wishes to give.. that's entirely different.
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LisaR
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teachingmyown wrote:
One last thing, this is a kid who has dreamed of being a Marine for years. It looks like he may not be able to do this because of knee problems. So, he is discouraged and confused. I want to help him find a new direction. I want to be positive and encouraging. I don't know if this is relevant to my question, it is just there in my mind as I try to work through this. |
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I am so sorry about this. it has been a goal for so long!!
It sounds like you and dh need to somehow be on the same page about this. I'm not into showering with gifts, but I also think a gift at Christmas time can be given for Jesus's sake, to symbolize his gift to us.. I would rather think up some active "consequence" than take away a gift...
I have no idea what to give my 15 y/o, either.
he wants a phone, ipod, and something to do with the XBox.
none of which fits into our 35.00 per kid budget...
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Lisa
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LisaR
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JodieLyn wrote:
The question is really can you earn gifts? If you have to earn gifts, then he apparently is not eligible. But if gifts are freely given because the giver wishes to give.. that's entirely different. |
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this is what I was trying to convey. thanks!
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
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Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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teachingmyown
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Thanks Ladies. There are some definite hard feelings going on, but I want to focus on the positive and show our unconditional love.
He won't read anything these days. My younger brother was here for the weekend and asked for a book to read, and my son actually said to my brother, "You still read?"!! I couldn't believe my child would say that! That's all we do around here.  But, then, we are strange in his opinion.
Anyway, just a little rant. Like most teens, his wish list is all big ticket items. I am going to have to get creative.
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Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
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Angie Mc
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He's a smart guy, Molly, can you talk with him about your desire to shower him with loving gifts as well as having financial and other constraints? His list of wants don't have to be labeled right or wrong at the moment but you can make a case that they aren't things that fit into your definition of "gift." Explain that your definition of a gift is something that you can give freely because it is within your budget and moral limits.
I sure don't mind getting some necessities as gifts but I really appreciate a gift that is an "extra," something I wouldn't buy for myself. Most teens (aside from those in Little House on the Prairie) definitely don't appreciate necessities. I think that giving a teen like Charlie only necessities will back-fire. I know your dh wants what is best for Charlie. Pehaps it is a matter of not going overboard or, like was mentioned above, combining extra with necessity?
OK if you choose to go the something extra, special, age appropriate route...what about a digital picture frame where he can download his favorite pictures? What about music...does he play guitar...would he like to learn? What about accessories for any tech stuff he has? You could ask a friend to burn a CD for him. Cool expensive-ish shoes - Converse, Vans, or whatever type he is. Or an expensive hoodie - not just a run of the mill sweatshirt. What about a cool watch?...Hat?...Ooooooooooooo sunglasses!
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Angie Mc
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folklaur
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Angie Mc wrote:
| Most teens (aside from those in Little House on the Prairie) definitely don't appreciate necessities. |
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guitarnan
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Oh, Molly, I'm so sorry to hear about the knee problems.  Is this for sure, or is a medical exam in his future?
Were it me, I'd definitely buy gifts. Not a tattoo (that's an adult expense in our family, paid for with adult income) and not a gun...Perhaps a useful item and then something he could save up toward one of his dream items? (E.g. a gift card to Bass Pro Shops that he could use now or save up to be used for a bigger purchase later - that would recognize his wish for, say, a gun when he's an adult, and give him incentive to save for it.)
It's definitely hard to buy for any older teen (I am knitting a scarf for my niece and I have no idea if she would ever wear it!), regardless of circumstances. They seem to want big items only - it can be frustrating.
{{{hugs}}} for you, Molly - I'm sure you're wondering how things will work out. I'm adding your dear son's future to my prayer list!!!
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Lisbet
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Okay, so maybe it's the rebel redneck in me, but I'd so buy him the gun! ;)
Prayers for you Molly. I have always heard "little kids - little problems. big kids - big problems" All I've got are littles and middles right now - but I can see how very hard this would be.
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hylabrook1
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Molly -
This is so hard on all of you, I know. Often we need the most loving when we are acting the least lovable, kwim? Gifts are not earned, although you might feel happier giving to someone who is acting nicer. Unconditional love has got to be at least part of what your son needs now. I like Jodie's suggestions about getting practical things but in a color he especially likes. I don't know how this would go over (he might feel like you're poking fun at him), but I just might put some temporary tatoos (like little kids play with) in his Christmas stocking.
I'm praying for you and your family, as always.
Peace,
Nancy
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teachingmyown
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Well, Lisa, if we thought that he would be responsible with the gun, we might chip in for one. But he has a history of not taking care of his things, being irresponsible, etc. With seven other kids, that is a risk we can't take.
Nancy, he says he would pay for the tattoo. The "gift" would be my signature since he isn't old enough to get one without my consent. I realize that in six months he will get one himself, but I don't like them so I won't sign for one.
The Bass Pro Shop idea is good. He could use it for a gun or anything later on.
He already has a fancy phone and iPod. Maybe some accessories? I will have to look around.
He loves to eat out, so maybe some fast food certificates for when he is running around with friends. We have done movie certificates in the past.
Nancy- his knees hurt badly when he runs, and often just when he is walking. I took him in last week and he is on anti-inflammatory medication. If it doesn't improve, they will send him to PT. My worry is that even if it gets better now, how will he make it through boot camp? This is a big blow.
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Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
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JodieLyn
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you might want to take him to someone who can evaluate how he's walking.. it could be as simple as an adustment to the shoe (like a little lift to one side of the foot) to get things into better alignment.. poor alignment will make things hurt without it being an actual problem of the knees. regular docs may not go into that much.. I had a chiropracter notice it for me.. I just need something of an arch support (regular shoes) at the time I was wearing little sandles that were just the flat piece of leather for the sole.
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guitarnan
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Molly, did they make a diagnosis (via an MRI or some other analysis), or did they just prescribe something and mention PT without telling you what's really wrong? I think the Motrin is the right med, but it seems weird that it's both knees.
I'll try to ask dh about this...he has had surgery on both knees...but not at the same time.
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Lisbet
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Molly, Our state DNR offers a gun safety course with a nominal fee. My three older children and husband have taken it and they all really enjoyed it - there were taught gun safety and survival skills. They also took a test at the end that somehow worked with them getting a gun permit. (I didn't get in on all of the details.) (they also got to shoot some really cool guns! ;) )
Maybe you could pay for his registration for the course with the promise of a shotgun when he passes the test or completes the course? This would be a great father/son thing!
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Sam, 9
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mellyrose
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teachingmyown wrote:
Nancy- his knees hurt badly when he runs, and often just when he is walking. I took him in last week and he is on anti-inflammatory medication. If it doesn't improve, they will send him to PT. My worry is that even if it gets better now, how will he make it through boot camp? This is a big blow. |
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I have no ideas about gifts, but I do think they should be freely given. I know I had some rotten years as a teen, but my parents still gave us gifts for Christmas.
But, I wanted to ask about his knee. Is this something the Marines have said is a problem, or is it something you (and he) are worrying about without actual facts? I'm just asking because I am one to run through all the possible scenarios and worry about each one. DH works with the information currently available and doesn't worry about something that "might" happen.
A priest gave a homily last week at our church about living in FAITH rather than FEAR and how you can't be fearful if you're faithful. It really rang true for me (as I worry worry worry). He talked, too, about accepting the situation and having faith that you'll get through it. It helps me that my husband reminds me of that sometimes. (Like this weekend, when he complained of a pulled muscle in his hip, and I decided he probably had bone cancer. Yes, I'm embarrassed to admit that is really how my brain works.)
Sorry to veer off the subject!
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folklaur
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mellyrose wrote:
| I'm just asking because I am one to run through all the possible scenarios and worry about each one. |
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wait - you mean there is another way???? I don't believe it! 
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sewcrazy
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Last year I had a difficult to buy for teen. We gave him several small $ gift cards to places he likes to stop at: Dairy Queen, Taylor Str Pizza (local chain) Jamba Juice, and such.
LeeAnn
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Bookswithtea
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gc's for food, itunes download, converse, cool logo sweatshirts and money are always popular here with our teen.
If the marines thing doesn't work out, how about Fire service? I know a couple of hs boys training for this right now and it definitely has a militaristic element to it. Also, maybe not all the branches have the same intense physical requirements? My aunt says that some branch's boot camps are more intense than others (AF being the worst, according to her). Maybe Coast Guard??? Also, if he would consider it, look into being a lineman. These guys are real men's men...cowboys doing dangerous work, never at a desk. Its also a trade where there is a HUGE need, and these guys make tons of money and get good benefits with utility companies. Nationwide, in the next 10 years, America is going to be short 100,000 linemen. USA Today even ran an article a few months back about kids declining 4 yr scholarships to get trained to do this job (often by the company themselves). You can pm me if you want more info. about linemen...
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Cay Gibson
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Molly,
We're still trying to figure out why our 15-yr-old gets pains in his lower calves when he's running. We've had an MRI done and nothing shows up.
His soccer coach mentioned that perhaps he's low on some minerals. I was able to speak to his wife yesterday who is a naturopathic doctor or something similar. She has her own practice. She told me he might be deficient in amino acids and possibly magnesium. She said boys at this age need lots of "meat and potatoes".
No help with the gift issue. I agree that Christmas is the time to put tough love aside and focus on unconditional love.
Frankly my teens just want money. They can pool it together with the rest they get and get something they really want. I do like to have something for my older ones to unwrap Christmas morning however. I got my 15 yr old a set of LSU towels and something else which slips my mind. For my 18 yr old dd I got her a bathrobe she's been wanting and a mini-spa set. I'm still looking for the 21 yr old. He might just get the money. Maybe a couple T-bone steaks or ribeyes as he and his friends enjoy grilling steaks on an open fire outback.
Honestly, all the things you mentioned were asked for are out of our range and practicality as well...if that helps back you up  .
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guitarnan
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Linemen are definitely a breed apart (I worked for a utility after I graduated from college). It's tough work, but the pay and camaraderie set this field apart from many others.
I was thinking about other branches of the armed forces, as well - or police work (my county is hiring), or DEA. (FBI is not a possibility right now; to be a special agent you must be 23 and have a 4-year degree - maybe later!)
Also, I know the Navy now has different physical fitness testing options (elliptical, swimming) once you're in, because my dh has had to use them when recovering from knee surgery. I think a good diagnosis is the most important thing right now...
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Topic: Gifts for difficult teen
