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Connections
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What are your children entitled to? Meaning, even if they behave poorly, they will still receive these things?
Food, clothing, shelter, an education, parental love, support and time?
What are they NOT entitled to (and therefore, play a role in achieving):
gifts, parties, trips, special fun classes?
Thoughts?
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Blessings,
Tracey
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Michaela
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Connections wrote:
What are they NOT entitled to (and therefore, play a role in achieving):
gifts, parties, trips, special fun classes?
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Yes, the extras are something they are not entitled to, HOWEVER we recently had a situation where my children were awful....AWFUL.
I would have loved to use the punishment of not attending a friend's birthday party, but it hurts the birthday child and it would have made me look bad to the mom hosting by taking three children from the party of five.
That answer doesn't help much, but once I open my mouth to tell them we are going somewhere other people are depending on them to come or if I paid for the class...I try to come up with another consequence for unacceptable behavior.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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mellyrose
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I'm with Michaela -- if we've committed to attending an event, or I've paid for a class already, I come up with another consequence. Usually extra cleaning chores, or push ups. Or service to another in the family -- for instance when one boy does something against the other, they might have to make the other's bed for x number of days; or put away their laundry.
As far as parties, it hurts the host as well as my kids. My son recently had only 1 out of 5 guests attend his party and I think 2 of them (siblings) were in trouble and weren't allowed to come. The other had a last minute family commitment, and the last had car trouble. He took it well, but I had prepared for 7 kids that afternoon!
Not sure if that helped or not.
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chrisv664
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I have had the experience of my son also being punished by his best friend's punishment, i.e. plans cancelled at the last minute because his friend misbehaved in some way. It's happened more than once. It seemed unfair to my child who had looked forward to time with his friend. These kinds of experiences always make me careful to be sure that when giving out some knd of cosequences for bad behavior, that I am only effecting the offender and not the siblings,friends, or parents of friends.
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Bridget
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Sometimes bad behavior is linked to boredom or frustration at being 'tied to mom's apron strings'. Taking away worthwhile activities can make the problem worse and set patterns for a 'bad child' mentality.
I'm all for slave labor. That way the child works it out of his system, does something useful and positive for the family and suffers a little for his offenses.
(We do take away all screen time though they don't usually have a lot to begin with. Sometimes that produces a good change in attitude/behavior as well.)
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Connections
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| Posted: Nov 25 2008 at 7:52am | IP Logged
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Thank you for your input. I do think it is important to think about the effects of taking extras away (on your family and on others your decision may impact). I was not really thinking about taking things away from them (keeping them from a party we already said we would attend, etc.).
I was thinking about it more in terms of "earning" these things with good behavior rather than "forfeiting" them with bad behavior.
For example, I was thinking about the fact that, just because a child wakes up each day does not mean that they are entitled to "extras". "Extras" are given to a child who understands and appreciates their blessings. I am not looking for perfection here (God knows I could not insist on that standard as I continue to work at things myself each and every day). I am looking more for a sense of thankfulness in thoughts and actions- pitching in, showing respect, thanking God.
I am thinking (and still developing the thoughts so please chime in) about how you provide for a child without them developing a sense of entitlement. I don't want them thinking they are entitled to all of the extras simply by virtue of waking each day.
Or should they? What are they entitled to?
I DO want them to understand that there are things they ARE entitled to which include my love, support, and time. It is essential to me that these never be conditional. (This is why I started by trying to carve out things they are entitled to included food, shelter, clothing, education- any others?)
Thoughts?
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Tracey
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missionfamily
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Tracey--I think where the waters get muddy is that some of those extras get tied in to the things they are entitled too....we provide them music lessons as a part of a good education...we provide them social opportunities for the same reason...we give them gifts because we love and appreciate them...so then it gets hard to stick to that list in the moment when our own desires for their success and happiness are so strong.
I know what you mean about the sense of entitlement though. It is so prevalent in our society today--I think some of the big ones are getting a car as a teenager, having your college education paid for, and weddings (not that you can take these things away, but I just think it's so ridiculous when people ask me how I'm going to pay for all those cars or college educations...)
I think creating a home environment where work and sacrfice are required of every member goes a long way to creating a sense of shred responsibility. Gratitude is a different story. I find my kids go through phases with this...sometimes so good about recognizing their blessings and then sometimes whining and pouting about evrey little thing. But I do find that the fewer extras there are, the more they appreciate them. When gas was so high, an family outing to the nearby town was thrilling. When I put the brakes on ordering books for a while, new books for school become a thrill.
Perhaps it has something to do withour attitudes as well. If we treat each extra as an extra and build a sense of joy and excitement about it, or curb the extras until the children truly deserve a reward of some sort, perhaps tehre will be more of a sense of gratitude.
Okay, I'm rambling....and this is not really what you asked anyway....sorry, you got me thinking.
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Connections
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Colleen-
This is exactly what I asked! Thanks!
I plan to give some more thought to my own attitude- how I show gratitude and appreciation.
I think you are right about fewer meaning more. Like everything else in parenting, it is such a balancing act!
As you said:
"I think where the waters get muddy is that some of those extras get tied in to the things they are entitled too....we provide them music lessons as a part of a good education...we provide them social opportunities for the same reason...we give them gifts because we love and appreciate them...so then it gets hard to stick to that list in the moment when our own desires for their success and happiness are so strong."
Yes! That's SO true. I WANT to give them the extras...but I want them to appreciate them, too!
I wonder if personality plays in here. I find some are more appreciative and others are hit and miss.
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Tracey
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Angie Mc
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Let me see if I can make my answer make sense without getting myself accused of child neglect!
Tracey, in our family we have concluded that we are entitled to nothing. My children are entitled to nothing. I am entitled to nothing. I'm speaking here more about attitudes than practical concerns (yes, each human has basic needs that must be met to live...) When my babies are young, I meet their needs in an attached and immediate way. In their first of life their needs and wants are the same. Difficult work yet pretty straight forward. As they grow into adulthood the challenge is to help them to meet their own needs in developmentally appropriate ways while also fostering a servant's heart in them.
Starting with me, I give to my infant "without counting the cost" (as Karen E. reminds.) I have no expectation of gratitude, but I do hold onto the hope that my baby will know my love. As they grow older, I still need to give without feeling entitled to their gratitude, love, agreement, perfection, or the like. Yes, I must do my best to provide an example and expectations of right behavior (to include an environment that fosters such) - yet - I cannot get confused and manipulative, doing for them in order to receive a particular outcome. I am entitled to nothing. (This became very clear to me as my children became teens  .)
As the children grow older, dh and I really want them to understand that everything is a gift from God. They are entitled to nothing. Like Job, if all is taken from them (loved ones, food, shelter, etc.) they are to praise the Lord!
How does this look in practical ways? Talking about our budget with the children helps. If an activity comes under the category of "committed", then we do it no matter what (currently this includes many "extras" like baseball lessons, sports equipment, community college, personal care...). If an activity comes under the "fun" category, then it is optional - unless we have made a promise to others (to come to a party, to go to their play, etc.) Tithing is also a category we discuss that helps put spending into perspective. Because our family is blessed with a secure and generous income right now, dh and I want to be generous with others, to include our children and their friends. I know that I have a tendency to be tight with money for wrong and needless reasons, so I try to be aware of this and err on the side of generosity (within the budget!)
Like Bridget so lovingly put it, we're into manual labor here too, as well as, hitting them in their wallet or purse! More on that later if I have time.
Can you tell I've been thinking about this topic recently? I have more questions than I have answers, especially in implementation, but starting with the attitude that we're not entitled to anything is consistently helpful to us.
Thanks, Tracey. I hope more jump into this conversation!
Love,
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Angie Mc
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Rachel May
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Angie Mc wrote:
| Talking about our budget with the children helps. |
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This is my small contribution here. Often I will explicitly talk with the kids about what we can and can not afford. I talk about the choices we make and how they effect what we can buy or do. I make it clear that we may usually enjoy a snack at Target when we are out, but we may choose not to have one during the Christmas season because we need to put our money elsewhere. I think that makes it clear to them that they are not "entitled" to a snack every time we go out. This is just one example.
One thing that my kids are not entitled to is spending their money however they see fit. I mention it only because a friend felt powerless against her daughters' daily treats from the icecream man because they were spending "their own money." We make it clear that we make money available to the kids to learn to use wisely and they have to be guided by our judgement. We are less strict than we would be with our own money, but we do retain ultimate control of what it will be spent on. Sometimes there is a little complaining, but again, they seem to understand what we're teaching.
Interesting topic.
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MaryM
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This is a great conversation. Angie, thanks for your thoughts - especially this one - it home with me as something I need to look at.
Angie Mc wrote:
| I know that I have a tendency to be tight with money for wrong and needless reasons, so I try to be aware of this and err on the side of generosity (within the budget!) |
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Entitlement
