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happymama
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| Posted: Nov 12 2008 at 2:58pm | IP Logged
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This is such an ugly topic. Please tell me I'm not the only one who sometimes loses my temper and yells at a child who has made a big mess or done something wrong. My kids are all younger than the "age of reason", so I am ALWAYS so regretful when I do this. Struggling with PPD and sleep deprivation can NOT excuse it for me.
How do I eliminate raising my voice when I'm angry? How do I learn to have better composure?
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: Nov 12 2008 at 3:19pm | IP Logged
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When my olders were little, I tried to start by asking them what was going on? or what happened? So often, in their way of thinking there was a perfectly legitimate explanation for what I would be inclined to blow my top over. Actually, listening to their explanations was often quite a funny stress buster. At least when I knew what they were thinking, I could talk it through with them so there weren't repeats of the same problem (which is not to say there weren't plenty of other *situations* to take their place).
Praying for patience and forebearance is one of, if not the, best way to get on a better track. Mary was a mom, too, ... and she would love to help you in (and all of us) in that vocation.
Deep breaths,....
Peace,
Nancy
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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: Nov 12 2008 at 3:21pm | IP Logged
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I really, really wish my good friend Kimberly had elaborated more on the incident she shared recently:
Mommy, Can You Be Happy?
I've learned so much from Kimberly and I can see her pausing, changing her tone, lowering her voice, smiling, and saying "Yes, I can be happy."
I wish it were that easy for me.
My older ones assure me I'm a quieter, more gentler mother today. They don't seem to have been "messed up" too badly. 
I often think of scenerios I've witnessed in stores and other places. The images of mothers harshly correcting their children has been enough to make me check this fault.
Also, I have always remembered the advice and image I was given years ago...to think of Jesus as being a visitor within my house, just in the other room, and how I would react to my children if he were there.
I also remind myself daily how easy it is to be pleasant to a complete stranger on the street and how difficult it can be to be pleasant to our own at home. Why is that? My children deserve my utmost respect if I am to expect it in return.
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
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Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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JennGM
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I do it, and try to work on this all the time. I have a short fuse.
I find that many times I'm yelling because of the way I'm feeling. I have to remove myself, get calm (count or say a Hail Mary) so in gaining composure I can see the whole picture.
If the yelling is to get their attention after repeated attempts, if I can I find physically touching my son and getting eye contact works.
But I'm totally a work in progress. I have to apologize to my son and to God constantly.
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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Matilda
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| Posted: Nov 12 2008 at 4:32pm | IP Logged
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I have actually talked about this with a therapist who was helping with some anxiety. I was much worse when my older children were littler and I had 3 under 3. Like you said, PPD and sleep deprivation could turn me into not a very nice person. Like Jennifer, it usually had more to do with how I was feeling or the mood I was in and thankfully like Cay, it has gotten better as I have aged.
Anyway, I told my therapist that I always tried to apologize and talk to my older children after I would lose my temper. She said that was the best thing to do.
I find the best thing to do is to take a deep breath before speaking and then ask for forgiveness if that doesn't work.
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Charlotte (Matilda)
Mom to four (11, 10 , 9 & 5) an even split for now
with bookend boys and a double girl sandwich
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stefoodie
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| Posted: Nov 12 2008 at 5:36pm | IP Logged
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I grew up in a family of yellers. My grandma was one, my mom was one, my aunts were all yellers. It's very difficult for me to keep it in check. A few things that have helped me:
- prayer in the morning for God and Mama Mary to help me keep my focus.
- prayer throughout the day, asking for their help (sometimes it's just Lord, Help me!!) when I'm starting to lose it.
- hugging the child before reprimanding. somehow it gets difficult to yell at someone you have in your arms. you're forced to tone down and relax yourself.
- frequent confession... still working on this one and lately have been remiss. but i find that the more i go to confession, the more i'm more aware of potential occasions for sin and i'm more watchful of what i say and how i say it.
- giving myself permission to yell when it gets to be too much, but no obscenities -- i.e., a loud AAARGGGGGH!!!! just to let the frustration out. it's not directed at a person, i'm not saying bad words or calling anyone names. some people say yell into a pillow, but i haven't done that.
- take a break. go to my room, read Scriptures, pray, just sit and close my eyes, etc.
Like Jenn I still have to apologize to my kids and God constantly.
how about let's add this intention to our prayer lists so we can pray for each other?
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stef
mom to five
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Stephanie_Q
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Praying for you, happymama. I struggle with this daily. Since I started going to daily Mass I have been getting better...that extra grace really helps, especially now that dh is working a second job. I also re-listen to "Anger and Forgiveness" by Deacon Dr. Bob McDonald when I find myself yelling a lot. It's a $3 CD from St. Joseph Communications. Well worth it. Here is a link. You can also order it from Lighthouse Catholic Media, and they have it as a $2 MP3 file, that you can download right away.
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Stephaniedh 6.01
dd 6.02, dd 8.03, ds 3.05, ds 12.06 at Catholic school.
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Baby boy due 10.13
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LLMom
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I struggle with this too. Pray a lot, but be careful about praying for patience too often. He will give you many situations to practice it!
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Lisa
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CrunchyMom
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LLMom wrote:
| I struggle with this too. Pray a lot, but be careful about praying for patience too often. He will give you many situations to practice it! |
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That is true, but my spiritual director told me that patience is one of the few things that you pray for and get immediately. Just stopping to ask God for patience in the heat of the moment does give you more patience (if not perfect patience) than you had before you said the prayer.
Also, one of the best penances I ever got after confessing this was to spend x number of minutes over the next week praying about patience in front of the blessed sacrament. It really helped. I give it to myself now when things start to get bad. (It certainly goes in phases for me). The graces from frequent mass help, too, if you can manage it.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
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[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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SuzC
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LLMom wrote:
| I struggle with this too. Pray a lot, but be careful about praying for patience too often. He will give you many situations to practice it! |
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This reminds me of a scene from Evan Almighty (not the best movie, but...). Anyway, the wife is frustrated with her dh who she thinks is going through a whopper mid-life crisis. She's taking the kids to her moms for awhile and stops at a diner. "God" is her waiter and tells her that, "When you ask for patience God doesn't go, 'WHAM you've got patience.' He gives you opportunities to practice patience."
It really has helped me to look at each of those hair-pulling moments as an opportnunity to grow in virtue - like a pebble on the path to salvation.
I am most certainly still growing and stumbling and...
I've also noticed that my diet (particularly what I eat for breakfast) and even my can't-give-it-up coffee play a part in my mood and how short my fuse is.
Praying for you and all who struggle with this.
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Suz in TX
dd~12, dd~9, ds~8, ds~6, ds~4, ds~1
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Willa
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My confessor told me to pray for vocations every time I blew it. This was years ago when my children were all 9 and under. Sounds like an indirect solution but oddly did help quite a bit ... maybe because I had to take it to prayer every time I heard myself losing my temper -- instead of escalating to where I really had something to be ashamed of.
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Willa
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Dawnie
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I struggle with this, too.
In fact, I blew it just this morning. 
I think that I've become better at controlling my temper over the last 10 years or so, but I've still got a looooong way to go. I hope I live to be really old, b/c it'll probably take me that long to correct this fault!
When I take the time to stop and go somewhere by myself and pray, it helps. But, I often don't think of this in enough time to avoid the blow-up. I think that if I could recognize and acnowledge the warning signs that I'm about to lose it sooner, and if I took a break to pray that it would help a lot.
I've also noticed recently that my blow-ups are preceded by destructive thought patterns. I get angry b/c the kids are squabbling or making a mess and I start thinking things like, "I'm so sick of this...they always do x, y, and z...blah, blah, blah, poor me, why can't they give me a little respect?!" That's another thing to work on...
Years ago, a particular woman was very ugly to me and really offended me...and I had to go to a wedding I knew she would be at and act nice a few days later. I knew I had to prepare myself somehow. So, everytime I thought about the incident, instead of allowing myself to think about what a mean lady she was, I prayed for her instead...and it REALLY helped. I think I need to do the same kind of thing when I start thinking angry thoughts about my children, too.
Anyway...you're not alone!
Dawn
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Topic: yelling at the kiddos...
