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LucyP
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Imagine someone feels very distant from her husband. He's a good man, works hard, long hours, but life has been emotionally hard for too long and she is the sort of person who "shuts down" to cope. It's been weeks and weeks since they were intimate. She feels distant and, frankly, tired of him and bored. She knows things can't go on, divorce or separataion obviously aren't options, she feels really fed up of herself for this but can't think how to "unfreeze" herself enough to express love towards him. She does still love him and is very committed to the marriage.
What do you say or do in those circumstances? Any ideas and experience gratefully received!
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teachingmyown
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Pray to love him more. Specifically pray to desire him, pray for romantic feelings. Sounds simplistic, but it works, even in marriages where there are bad feelings not just apathy.
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Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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cvbmom
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Interesting question. I know a couple similar to the one you describe and would love to hear a good answer. Right now, I am just trying to be an encouraging friend (on the side of staying married when the world seems to tell her to just move on, which doesn't help the situation) who will listen as she tries to sort things out. I'm sorry I can't be of more help. But I can send prayers. I hope you get some good answers as they might help a friend of mine as well.
God bless,
Christine
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Wife to dh - 18 years!
Mom to dd (16), ds (15), dd, (12), dd (11), ds (9), dd (8), dd (7), ds (5), dd (3), ds (2), and ds (1)
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Michaela
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I would tell her to focus more on the positive facts she shared about her husband instead of negative feelings.
LucyP wrote:
| He's a good man, works hard, long hours |
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LucyP wrote:
| She does still love him and is very committed to the marriage. |
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I would ask her repeat those positive facts over and over if necessary. To capture her thoughts and refocus. Also give our Lord thanks for those facts, especially when they are together and her negative feelings try to take over.
After 20 years of marriage, I know is it really helps a great deal to focus on the postive rather than dwell in the negative.
I wouldn't dismiss her feelings, but remind her feelings can change. She "feels" tired and bored with him.
What can SHE do about it?
Little Acts of Love.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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LisaR
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I know a woman who went through this. I encouraged her to hug and kiss (just a peck on the cheek) her dh before he left for work in the morning (in front of the kids if possible) and again first thing when he came through the door at night.
that was a good enough start.
try that , give it 30 straight days.
and of course, all of the great prayer suggestions and other suggestions are wonderful.
Praying!
love,
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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SeaStar
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I have read that we should pray- asking our guardian angels to obtain happy marriages for us. This is one thing they love to do- it makes them happy as well.
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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Mary Chris
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I would offer to watch her children so she and her husband can spend some time together. While long dinner out would be wonderful, a walk around the block is good if time and money are short. If her children are young dinner in is a good option.
I would also ask her to think about the things they enjoyed doing together before these feelings started and try to do one of them.
Also, I would encourage her to think of something they do that they laugh over a funny movie perhaps.
Pray first.
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Blessings, Mary Chris Beardsley
mom to MacKenzie3/95, Carter 12/97 Ronan 3/00 and wife to Jim since 1/92
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Booksnbabes
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Go on a Marriage Encounter! Intense, but gratifying and healing.
Read Gary Chapman's "The 5 Love Languages" ($8.99 at Amazon, sold in most Christian bookstores)--get back to trying to show love without waiting for the other to go first (if one reads the book, they'll understand better).
I think most people (ok, I hope we're not the only ones!  ) go through this from time to time. Life gets in the way, and we can start thinking love is that warm fuzzy we felt at the beginning that we're not feeling anymore. The world certainly helps this misconception--which is false. Emotionally we withdraw, creating a barrier to the very thing we crave--intimacy with our spouse.
Yes, the warm fuzzies are nice (I love the warm fuzzies, I miss them when I have gone a while without feeling them!--not feeling them is an indication we're drifting), but love is the choice to sacrifice each and every day for the one we love. A friend of my dh was getting married and asked for advice. My dh told him, "You must be prepared to be miserable every day of your life from the moment you say 'I do' and still stick with your wife, because that is the commitment you are making."
This is soooo hard when the love tank is empty and you feel you have nothing to give! But if the woman of which you write should start giving, small at first, that will be returned. The bad thing is usually the farther down that road of emotional separation one is, the longer it takes to get back.
My love language is quality time. DH is currently in training for a new position at work. He is putting in 12-hour or more days, and when home is studying. This includes weekends. I get more and more involved in kids, home, and this domestic kingdom of which I am caretaker for the Lord. Pretty soon I feel like life doesn't include him anymore. I start to treat him that way. He feels helpless to do anything because he is soooo swamped (and not good at spontaneous). So he knows things aren't right, but feels helpless to do anything about it. Eventually someone blows up. THIS IS NOT A GOOD CYCLE!
But I find I have the power to stop it. I can leave a note in his lunchbox to let him know how much I appreciate the hard work he is doing, the hours he puts in--even though I resent those hours too! I can leave a message in the steam on the mirror in the bathroom after I shower so it shows up when he showers so early in the morning even if I cannot bring myself to get up with him (pregnant, still getting up with ds in the night, it just doesn't happen if I'm to function during the day). I can hold his hand or rub his back (more than that will not come when I feel as emotionally strung-out as you describe) so he knows I am not rejecting him, I just can't give more at that moment. I can tell him how I feel, if not verbally than in a letter.
Because when I do these things, I start to remember why I appreciate him--not just in a checklist my head (I know he's a good provider, excellent father, etc.), but in my heart too (I begin to again feel those things toward him). I start to feel connected again because I am reaching out to him, I am sharing my thoughts and feelings with him. I really see this as a reflection of our Father's love for us--we may drift, but we need only to turn and reach out to Him and He is there. My spouse is always there too, waiting for me to reach out to him. And he reaches back. Always.
I find notes, etc., a good way to start because they are less threatening to me than a down and dirty talk-it-out session (though that generally follows). When I reach out to him, it opens my heart to God's grace that is such a gift of the sacrament of marriage!
When I had a friend experiencing this kind of distance as well, we became accountability partners to one another (dh and I were in a lull). We had to sit down that day and write three things we appreciated, liked, admired, loved about our spouse. We had to use one of these things to give our spouse a compliment that day (both our spouses have words of affirmation as a high-ranking love language, but I think this exercise would help regardless of the love language or could easily be adapted for other love languages).
Each day for the next week and for the two weeks after that we had to write one new thing on the list. Each day of that first week we had to compliment our spouse at least once verbally (from "thanks for taking out the trash, I appreciate it" to "you look really hot in those jeans!"  ). We had to do this for three weeks, each week adding extra compliments each day until we were giving three compliments daily and had compiled quite a list of things we loved about our spouses!!!
You know what--we got funny looks at first. We hadn't been doing a bang-up job of letting our spouses know they were loved. You know what--we had difficulty at first. But even by the end of the first week we were both exceeding our quotas on our lists and in our compliment giving. And by the end of the three weeks, it felt totally natural and right to give the compliments, and we didn't really have to think about it any more. Both my friend and I were abundantly blessed by our diligence in creating this habit. I kept my list to look at, and add to, when I feel myself slipping back into the "married singles" mode.
This is a really long and rambling post, so if you made it through, thanks!
Sending  and many prayers for the woman who is feeling so detached and adrift. And if she needs an accountability partner for the exercise mentioned above, pm me! I can always use a refresher.
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Wife to wonderful DH, mom to SIX beautiful gifts from God!
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Mary Chris
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Side tracked home-executives suggested the 20 second kiss, they claimed it worked wonders!
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Blessings, Mary Chris Beardsley
mom to MacKenzie3/95, Carter 12/97 Ronan 3/00 and wife to Jim since 1/92
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Courtney
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I would ask her to make a list of things she respects about him and go to him one day and gently put her hand on his arm and tell him, "I really respect ______ about you." I would suggest focusing on the little things. It's amazing what a difference the little things can make. And of course, pray, pray, pray.
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Courtney in Texas
Wife to Mike since 3/94 
Mom to Candace 10/97 ,Christopher 4/00 and Connor 11/11
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Mattie
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Read "Finding the Hero in My Husband"
and "Love and Respect" and definitely the "Five languages" and pray...
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cathhomeschool
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Once I read a story about a woman in a similar situation. What she did was to spend time each day visualizing the way she wanted her marriage to be -- excited that her dh is home from work, happy, communicating, etc. It gave her a more positive attitude and slowly she started changing her perspective and way of responding to her spouse. He then reacted differently to her. In the end, everything worked out.
I might try that -- and daily prayer as already suggested.
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Janette (4 boys - 22, 21, 15, 14)
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Teakafrog
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Sounds like communication problems are at the root of this. Try Retrouvaille. It is a program for troubled marriages (any kind of problems) that teaches new methods of communication. It is not counseling, it's not 'group therapy', it is led by couples who have been there and managed to heal their marriages through the program.
I know it works, it saved our marriage! www.retrouvaille.org
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Angie Mc
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I'm sorry for the suffering involved here yet I'm hopeful that through God's grace and hard work, this situation can be turned around .
It seems to me that shutting down behavior is often linked to exhaustion and being overwhelmed. So I would recommend making these two things a high priority: getting sleep and cutting the daily routine down as much as possible. Each of these can be brainstormed on this topic or could become topics of their own.
Shutting down behavior is also connected to feelings which are being affected by distorted thinking. It can help to take time to make a list of things the dh is doing or isn't doing and look for these distortions. The dw can get a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left hand side she writes her thoughts. For example, "Dh didn't say goodnight. He must be mad at me. He thinks I'm unattractive. This is hopeless." On the right hand side of the paper write the distortions: "He must be mad at me" = mindreading, I don't know if dh is mad or not. (Tomorrow I can ask him.) "He thinks I'm unattractive" = mindreading, I don't know this to be true, I know he has found me attractive in the past. "This is hopeless" = overgeneralization/magnification. There are many things going right for my family, this is one challenge we are facing. We aren't perfect, no one is, but there is always hope that we can figure out solutions.
Or...go for the 20 second kiss  . This behavior may help to bypass distorted thoughts and connected feelings to plunge a couple into a unitive embrace and God's healing sacramental grace.
Praying!
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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happymama
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Angie, thank you for the link to r.peurifoy...
I have no advice (other than patience & prayer) when it comes to emotional feelings returning, but intelectually at least, Alice von Hildebrand recommends the "Mount Tabor Vision."
Christ was transformed on this mountain for his 3 best friends to see Him in His glory, so that after the crucifixion they would not lose their faith.
Alice recommends that wives deliberately choose and frequently recall moments in time when you really loved and admired your husband. These are moments when his true glory showed through. Focus on these moments rather than on his bad ones!
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Angie Mc
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happymama wrote:
Angie, thank you for the link to r.peurifoy...
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You're welcome! I did a quick google search for thinking distortions and thought the list was thorough and standard. I'm not familiar with the rest of the site. Here's another take on thinking distortions also know as cognitive distortions.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Helen
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Wonderful site :
marital healing.com
articles and questions
resources for parents too
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Ave Maria!
Mom to 5 girls and 3 boys
Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
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10 Bright Stars
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Well, consider the fact that love is an ACT of the will so if you are not ACTING then you are not loving. So, even if you don't "feel" a certain way that does not really "mean" anything, KWIM? I don't feel like doing laundry, but I do it because I have to and that is my way of loving the family. Or making dinner, or getting up with a sick baby. You sometimes do things because it is the right thing to DO at that moment, and then maybe things will come about as a result of your actions.
I had a revelation a few years ago. I often have a lot of loving thoughts, emotions and ideas all running through my head. I feel intense love for my spouse, but I don't really SHOW him. I feel intense love for my children, but sometimes it stays "safe" in my head. I remember hearing a song a long time ago that said something about, "How many love songs never get song, how many loving words..right on the tip of the tongue...unsung love songs...: or something like that. But the point was that the love IS there, the words ARE there , but they never get said. And, if they don't make it out of your head, your heart, your mouth, and into the REAL world instead of the world of your thoughts etc. then how real are they??
If you feel frozen, perhaps you are holding on to past hurts or wrongs you have suffered as a result of unkind words etc. that you have never really forgiven. You may have had arguments where things have been said,ugly things, and then you "move on" for the sake of peace, but the internal injury is still there, and has never really healed. In this case, you would have to either decide to just forgive him in a blanket sort of "overall" forgiveness. You would not be involving him, but just making a conscience decision to "erase" or forget all the injury that may have been caused to you emotionally. (If this is the case.) The other option would be to bring it up with him and say, "You know, I know that we have had problems in the past and I am not bringing this up to cause a new problem, but there are some things that are still really painful to me, and I am sure I have caused you pain. Perhaps we could talk about it? " Of course, there is the possiblity that he will see this as nagging or you holding a grudge, or there are some topics and things that are things that you all will just never see eye to eye on due to extreme personality differences and you should maybe just decide to NOT talk about those things and agree to disagree. (My husband and I have a few topics that if we discuss them, we ARE going to disagree and get in an argument. We used to try to persuade each other and get all upset and then we finally realized that we are 2 people from 2 very different backgrounds and it is "o.k." to not agree on everything.) But, be prepared that your spouse may not want to dredge up old problems. Men don't like that sort of thing. They usually think you are just complaining!!
Also, I think that you should make the "first move" so to speak in certain arenas. Men can feel a fear of being rejected, so if he feels as if that is a possibility, he is liable to not proceed with inquiring into your interest etc. since he may feel humiliated if you say no. So, be nice, make him feel "safe" and try to put your love into action. Make sure that you aren't getting into poor cycles of thinking negatively. Thank him for something little. Ask about his day and really listen. Don't complain about anything for awhile!! (Hard for me to do. ) And try to be positive and not negative. Focus on the qualites that attracted you to him in the first place. Exaggerate them in your mind if you have to. (Wow! He is SO handy. SUCH a great cook! Looks GREAT in that jacket. Start correcting your thinking and think about how lucky you are to have a spouse and husband and think about how sad it must be to be a widow etc and be alone. (This is not to make you feel bad, but just to help you focus on the fact that you are blessed with a spouse when many are not. How can you help him get to heaven? Not by changing him, but by becoming love for him. 
But, I would ask the Blessed Mother to work it out for you and to help you know how to proceed and to ask for peace. There have been some intractable problems with people in the past for me, and I just give it to her and she always sorts it out for me. &nb sp;
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Kim married to Bob (22y)
Mom of 11 blessings:
Bobby 19, David 17, Noah 14,
Mary 12, Gracie 10,
Isabelle and Sophia 8,
Gabrielle 6,
William Anthony 4, Joseph 3 and Luisa Marie - born in M
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AnaB
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Go see the movie Fireproof together! That was great!
I've been there. Someone has to break the ice again. Praying is the best and most powerful solution. I prayed for months for the Lord to give me HIS love for my husband. Christ's love is bottomless and never failing. The feelings will come around, but they have to follow your will. Choose to take each thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. Focus on how to SHOW affection or love rather than receive it.
I came across a LOVE DARE blog the other day on the internet and it had each assignment for you on there.
Hope this helps.
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His By Grace, AnaB blessed WIFE to Jeff and mama to 4 blessings!
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: How to find or feel love again?
