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Vanna
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| Posted: Oct 11 2008 at 11:56am | IP Logged
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panic.
I would really like to scale back on Christmas presents this year, remember the reason for the season, etc etc etc...but it's not goingto happen.
My oldest makes a very elaborate list every year that he wants for his B-Day and Christmas (they are only two weeks apart). Every year between us, his Grandparents (3 seperate sets), and his aunts and uncles, he gets EVERYTHING and then some.
This years list goes as follows...
Laptop (approx. $1000)
Playstation 3 ($400)
3 different Playstation 3 games ($180)
3 different Wii games ($150)
5 Gameboy DS games ($200)
Wii attachments ($100)
Chemistry set ($100)
Microscope ($125)
Scientific encyclopedia set ($500)
Newer Ipod ($250 I think)
10 different books ($150 - $250)
A couple of boardgames ($40)
Pokemon cards ($10 to a gazillion $$)
He will get everything on this list. I am not kidding.
Isn't this too much? My husband thinks it's fine since he is a good kid, never asks for anything during the year, is always grateful and thankful, etc. Which is all true, but...still.
What do I do? Can I do anything? This seems like madness to me. What will we all do when it's Mustangs and Corvettes on the list instead of Playstations and Wii games??
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Oct 11 2008 at 12:22pm | IP Logged
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all 8 of my kids won't get that much spent on them.
from us ~$20 each on individual gifts, ~$20 each on things I want to make like sock puppets and jammies and ~$160 on shared gifts.
My ILs will spend the same amount or less than that I think and my parents definately will spend less being on a very limited income.
But we don't have the money to spend more so as long as things are within budget for buying gifts.. I don't know that there is anything inherantly wrong with spending that much. Though there may be better things to spend that money on.. those less fortunate?
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Vanna
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| Posted: Oct 11 2008 at 12:24pm | IP Logged
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I would like to add that WE (my husband and I) will not be buying the bulk of this. We are not wealthy people. 80% of this comes from our family.
I just wanted to make sure you all knew we weren't planning on robbing a bank for Christmas or anything. lol
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Mary G
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Vanna,
What I would do if it was my son would be to question the need for all the different hardware pieces -- a laptop, Wii, playstation can be almost redundant.
Now if he asked for a laptop and then pc-based games, scientific encyclopedia on a CD-rom, electronic microscope that can work on the laptop ... well, you know what I mean. Then everything works together and it all seems more reasonable (altho still a bit extravagant but stopping in-laws or family from buying stuff for kids is an unstoppable force   )
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Oct 11 2008 at 12:33pm | IP Logged
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Vanna, we had something of this for our first couple children when they were small.. first grandchildren on dh's side.. and my step-sister's only son was mostly grown by the time I had mine.. so everyone was having fun buying things for the kids.. and everyone was still working full time and had more money than now..
it's hard because you end up being the grinch ruining everyone's Christmas if you don't let them buy what they want.
I would work from the other end and attempt to teach the children not to be greedy, to teach them to care for others.. perhaps limiting the numbers of game systems so that rather than buying two game systems and multiple games for each there's only one system to buy games for.. things like that.
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stefoodie
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Approaching this from a different angle... something that could work in conjunction with the suggestions already given above. Make sure that sometime before Christmas do some charitable work, preferably as a family, where you actually SPEND some time with the needy, e.g., at a soup kitchen, serving at IHN, something that's out of your comfort zone and will get the kids some first hand experience encountering people who have much, much less, and who will probably get 1% or less of what you usually get at Christmas. It really gives them a whole new perspective. We did this last year and it really helped them appreciate everything they got -- from the expensive stuff to the homemade items, etc. I think it helped them focus on the giving side -- that Christmas is Christmas whether or not we get the things on our wish list or not.
We need to do this again this year as my 12-yo is on a materialistic kick just from being exposed to other kids who have so much. Time to balance the exposure and see kids from the other side.
It also may be a good idea, if you can manage to arrange for it, for him to NOT receive one or two items he really wants. Our kids make wish lists but they know from past experience that they'll probably get only 5-10% of all the things they listed. Lowers the expectations somewhat and they realize that life is just like that -- you don't get everything you want.
One last thing -- with people who are really closest to us, we've confided that our child needs a bit of a reality check and that it would help to have them tone down the gift-giving a bit. And then we give them an alternative wish list, e.g., we always have things we want to buy for the kids that they NEED more than want, e.g., books or clothes or a contribution to their college fund, etc. Since they love our child so much they are very happy to comply. Sometimes people just don't know what to give our kids so they give them whatever's popular. It helps them to know we're trying to swim against the tide here and every little bit of help they can give us counts.
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folklaur
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| Posted: Oct 11 2008 at 6:07pm | IP Logged
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You know, that just taking your low estimates - his list is over $3200?
You asked, "Isn't this too much?"
um.....imo, I would have to say yes.
(that is about 4 Christmas' for my entire family of 5 (and we also have Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents sending things. And I always think we have way too much / go overboard.)
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mrsgranola
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All I can say is...
WOW! That's ALOT!
My parents get all the grandchildren (16 living) a $50 savings bond and one item, sometimes PJ's, sometimes a purse, or sometime something even less. My grandparents gave us maybe some candy, that's it.
Maybe you could re-direct their generosity to saving for college? A book? Gift card for someplace that could also help the entire family or even be used to help others?
Just MHO,
JoAnna
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lapazfarm
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Well...it is certainly more than we spend around here. We typically try to keep it to about 100 dollars per child. The grandparents typically spend about 20 each.
But I don't think it is a matter of how much $$$ is spent, really.
What you and your husband may want to decide, as a family, is do you really want your children to have so much stuff, gifted or otherwise?
And how do you and your husband want your children to spend their time? With a computer, a Gameboy, a PS3, a Wii, and a iPod, that is a lot of time spent being entertained with technology. Fine, but how do you want to create balance for your son so that his mind and body are actively engaged, rather than being passively entertained?
Perhaps your son just needs help coming up with some ideas for alternate gifts that he had not thought of--a season pass to the local theme park, museum, or zoo, a year's sport lessons, art supplies and lessons, etc.
You may want to explore your family's personal values regarding consumerism, perhaps by setting some simple guidelines. Last year we decided that our own value system compelled us to limit our gifts (both giving and receiving) to "nothing plastic, nothing requiring batteries, and nothing made in China". It gave the grandparents fits trying to find gifts for the kids (no just running to the WalMart toy aisle!), but with a little effort they did it and we are glad we held firm.
Your family guidelines may be quite different as your family values may be quite different from ours. But the idea is that you and dh prayerfully decide together the foundation you want to lay for your childrens' present and future consumer habits, and discuss with them the reasons why you make the choices you make.
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SeaStar
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Maybe you could sit down with your son and make a needs vs wants list?
No one boy could possibly need all that stuff, especially only two weeks apart. My sister had a similar situation with her kids- so many relatives buying for them that it got crazy- plus it gave her children the unreal notion that- poof!- just put it on your list and it appears. They still have trouble with the reality of doing without.
Gift cards are great- instead of buying things for him, maybe giving gift cards would help on several levels- no giant influx of "stuff", spreading out acquisitions through out the year, plus giving him a sense of what things cost. If he has to spend the money himself, he might rethink his "needs".
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Servant2theKing
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We've always downplayed gifts for our children, to help them learn temperance and detachment from earthly goods. They've never been encouraged to make wishlists for Christmas or birthdays; we simply discuss whether they have any special things that might interest them, then we compile a list of those ideas (away from them). Somehow making a wishlist seems to create a tendency toward disappointment if every wish is not attained. Years ago we suggested to relatives that educational gifts better fit our homeschooling lifestyle which really helped steer family gift choices in more appropriate and reasonable directions.
With a list such as the one mentioned I would be quite concerned with how much more it would take to satisfy a child who might receive so much at the tender age of 12 or 13. Our three youngest usually receive group gifts for Christmas, comparable to the lesser items on that list (perhaps one board game and/or one video game that they can all use together). For birthdays they might receive one book, possibly one item of needed clothing. Grandparents usually give modest amounts of money (between $10 and $20) which can be used for an approved purchase or saved for the future. On the other hand, if family finances are limited and other family members truly have the means to bless your son, and family, with educational type resources on that list, such as a microscope or chemistry set, that would seem more appropriate.
The fact that you asked this question suggests that your mother's heart already senses that it may be unhealthy for your son's young soul to receive such an abundance of material gifts. It sounds as though the Holy Spirit is blessing you with wisdom to help guide your son toward tempering his desire for material things. You've already shown prudence in your perception that such a list could eventually develop into greater desire for even bigger items, like expensive cars. If we give our children too much, we are often setting them up for greater expectations in the future..."The Great American How-Will-We-Ever-Top-This Syndrome"!
With the climate of our nation's economy and all the harm that greed and overabundance has generated in our society, it could be very meaningful to discuss with your son how many adults running our country's financial institutions have profoundly effected others through their unhealthy desire for more, more, more. Children usually appreciate things better when they understand that adults need to discipline themselves and practice self-control just as much (if not more) as they are being asked to. Your son will benefit greatly from your loving help in learning to wisely discern the difference between wants and needs as he enters his teen years and prepares for adulthood!
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Vanna
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Thank you for all of your comments. I spoke with him about his list and he said, "Grandma and Grandpa kept telling me to put more on it so they can have ideas." I know this is true. I spoke with my mom and step-dad and my dad and step-mom AND my mother-in-law AND my sister and her husband about the amount they buy my kids. They all acted really defensive and offended. They ALL said that I couldn't stop them from buying the kids whatever they wanted for b-days and Christmas.
Sigh.
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LisaR
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this thread is hard for me to read. We have very very wealthy grandparents who will not spend much (25??) at the most on the kids for a b day or Christmas, and never, ever at any other time. not even "boring stuff" like an outfit, pair of shoes, or a real need.
We have asked about once every two years or so for some help when something comes up (help with 3500 braces for severe underbite, help with car repair costs when both cars had transmissions/big issues blow)and it has always been almost laughable the excuses for no.
Anyway, this sounds horrible, but if I had relatives like this (and could not provide much for my kids myself, like in my personal situation) I would welcome a laptop for a gift, etc.
You could always choose to dole the gifts out throughout the year after they have been received.
The issue about too many electronics specifically is a different one.
Someone once told me that when one is financially "poor", it allows for others to be generous, and they (the wealthier) can grow in holiness from that.
sorry to hijack a bit...sigh, I guess I keep wishing for the fairy godparent type relative to appear on the horizon for us 
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JodieLyn
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That's right Vanna, you can't stop them from buying. You can stop the child from keeping though. So in the end you are the one with the power. Don't let them convince you otherwise. I save this for things I find inappropriate. I do attempt to let them know why, if they don't agree I fall back on the "fine, you don't have to agree and you can spend your money however you like but I don't have to let the child have it and I'm willing to be the bad guy about this issue."
But that said, you need to know that it's worth the hard feelings.
Lisa has a good idea on doling out the gifts over more time.
And you might also sit down with your son and help with the list making.. and add things to the list that you would want to get with the other suggestions above.. the educational supplies (though he has some of those on his list), craft supplies (great time to put together a tool chest with real tools that will serve him a long time with some care), memberships, classes..
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juststartn
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Oh my word, Vanna!!!! 
Consider my dc deprived, but their "wish lists" (their aunt asked if there were things that they wanted)...and they said things like scarves, and mittens, and a My Little Pony. My middle dd wanted a train for her stuffed kitten to ride on but other than that, they were really "minimalist".
That being said, I definitely like Jodie's idea--tell them what she said "You can give it, but I don't have to let him keep it...". Anyone--and I do mean ANYONE!--who had the NERVE to tell me something like that would be almost a persona non grata around here--DH and I would see to it.
Frankly, if my dds got "too much" (and I do have a grandmother who has done so in the past), I'd donate it. Flat out. Toys for Tots is always looking for something. Know anyone who has foster children? A larger family (or a smaller one) on hard times, that cannot afford a big Christmas for their dc? Or any Christmas at all?
I dunno, but it sounds like greed run amuck to me, and I'd be doing anything and everything I could to rein it in...shoot, maybe put something like one of those things where you buy an animal for an impoverished family overseas...do some good with the money instead of "investing" it in plastic doodads...
Sorry, I'm just a hardliner. I'm all for a great Christmas--I'm a convert and am still dealing with the long term effects of a Protestant upbringing, lol....but between the list and the response you got from the family about cutting back a bit--well, I'd have flared up like the fourth of July. 
GL, and keep us updated
Rachel
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LisaR
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juststartn wrote:
but between the list and the response you got from the family about cutting back a bit--well, I'd have flared up like the fourth of July.
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any way this could just be their "love language"??
any harm in trying to ask for (mostly) useful items like vacations, museum passes, laptop, IPOD (we have neither in our family and I think it's a fabulous gift!!) and just graciously say "thank you"??
now, if you were giving them a list and they bought the same dollar amount of stuff, but nothing from the list- or were giving you immoral or really junky stuff, then I'd see an issue....
backing out now, I promise!!
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
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many little saints in heaven!
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LisaR
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| Posted: Oct 15 2008 at 12:17pm | IP Logged
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Vanna wrote:
They ALL said that I couldn't stop them from buying the kids whatever they wanted for b-days and Christmas.
Sigh. |
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see, I would LOVE this I'd also coach my kids a bit about what to include on the list. but it allows for the extended family to be generous givers, and your family to be gracious receivers.... (again, if it was trashy, immoral, not respecting your lists, then forget the above, and if your immediate family was particularly wealthy, well, then, it would be excessive...)
really signing off now.
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
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Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
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Vanna
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I told my son to put a front loader washer and dryer on the list. LOL He said he would.
I have been without a washer and dryer for 6 months...where is my santa? LOL
LisaR...I totally understand where you are coming from. It is very hard though because they only want to do what I call "big glory" things. I mean, you get a huge response from kids when you give a laptop and a playstation. Not so much if you help someone get a washer and dryer. I moved out when I was 17 and have only asked for money ONE TIME (about $150). That request was denied.
Very strange...in my opinion.
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chrisv664
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Vanna,
I had to laugh when I saw you had him add a front loader washer and dryer to the list. I was actually going to suggest that your son learn from the generosity of his extended family members by having some of his gifts be things like... sponsor a child in an impoverished area; gift card for local grocery so he can shop for your local food pantry; gift card to buy a winter coat to donate to St. VIncent de Paul Society; those sorts of things. He can still choose his own personal top five yet still share that generosity that he has learned from them over the years (although I am hesitant about a laptop for a 12yo... my two oldest didn't get their own laptops 'til college)
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LisaR
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Vanna wrote:
LisaR...I totally understand where you are coming from. It is very hard though because they only want to do what I call "big glory" things. I mean, you get a huge response from kids when you give a laptop and a playstation. Not so much if you help someone get a washer and dryer. I moved out when I was 17 and have only asked for money ONE TIME (about $150). That request was denied.
Very strange...in my opinion.
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I would most certainly not give my kids any gifts then, from me (and dh) but tell the kids we are going to make a family purchase - a gift of a washer and dryer! I'm serious!!
If you do St Nicholas/Santa, limit it to something small/inexpensive that can fit in the boot/shoe/stocking...
many of our christmas's have had to be a 'family gift' and St nicholas boot gift only (on Dec 6th) and it has turned out just fine, even without other gifts to open on Christmas....
I can empathize with your frustrations a bit more, seems they want alot of "glory"....
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
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Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Already thinking of Christmas present...
