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Syncletica
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| Posted: Sept 09 2008 at 10:01am | IP Logged
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Mine are not being very kind to each other.
"I'm not talking to you."
"I don't like you. I only like (baby), Mommy, and Daddy, b/c they're not being mean to me."
They're hitting each other regularly.
The other day, near the end of the rosary, some annoyance between the 5 and 2 year old boys turned into a full-fledged wrestling match! I couldn't believe my eyes! Here we were, supposed to be reverent and pious, and my 2 boys are hacking it out in full force. 
If they hit someone and it's been unprovoked, then I usually fine the hitter 10 cents which goes into the 'hittee's' money. (They all get a small allowance that I'm trying to train them with. 10% to charity, 30% to piggy bank for savings, they have to keep $3.00 in coins in their money (I use a 7 day pill box to keep the coins in)that's used for their fines and whatnot, and whatever is left over is put in their wallets for spending money.)
I tell them they're not being very kind, and that's what Jesus wants them to do. I might ask them if that is what Jesus or Mary would do. Sometimes we can offer it up without fighting back.
I also might say that they are the best friends they'll always have. Other 'friends' come and go, but they'll always have each other, and ought to be kind and loving toward each other.
What do you say to your children? What has helped in your family?
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monique
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| Posted: Sept 09 2008 at 11:12am | IP Logged
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I'm in the same boat. So I don't have any answers. Just know you are not alone. We are without a table right now because my two oldest broke the table leg during one of their squabbles.  They are both working to earn the money to buy a new table leg. They are lucky it's pine so only $20. I've tried saying the same sorts of things as you do but it hasn't helped. To top it off my oldest is a girl and the boys taunt her and make fun of her so she thinks she can treat them however she wants. 
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Monique
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Raising Saints
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KC in TX
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I make my children stand there with their arms around each other and noses touching (if possible). This really can discourage the fighting. I also do tell them the same things.
I've also had them stand together with their arms together in the corner. It's usually my oldest and middle daughters.
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KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
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Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
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And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
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mama251ders
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| Posted: Sept 09 2008 at 2:45pm | IP Logged
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No advice, but lots of sympathy. It seems that my 10yo boys are always at each other about something. It's very disheartening. I think my problem is lack of consistency in how I deal with it. I need to make a plan and stick to it. Good luck!
Bets
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Maddie
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KC in TX wrote:
I make my children stand there with their arms around each other and noses touching (if possible). This really can discourage the fighting. I also do tell them the same things.
I've also had them stand together with their arms together in the corner. It's usually my oldest and middle daughters. |
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I often have them sit on the couch together and hold hands. They just love that. 
There is hope, my two older boys fought something terrible when they were little. I was always breaking up a fight or trying to make peace between the two. I used to cry because I so wanted them to get along. Now they are 17 and 13 and inseparable. They are always together, they are always looking out for each other, they talk together all the time and have the greatest debates on issues important to them. I would have never guessed these two would mend their fences and become best buds.
I think making sure that outside friends don't become more important than siblings has helped too. I don't mean to step on toes, but I'm not a big fan of sleepovers and a huge amount of time spent with kids outside the family. We do see other families as a family but not so much one on one.
I will say my 15 yo daughter has complained about being lonely, but I think we have discovered why and we are working on correcting it.
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Magnificat
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For us, if it gets disruptive enough where I have to get involved, (say if it's during lessons, especially)they owe me,and possibly the other person offended, a service. Let me tell you, the downstairs bathroom has never been so clean!! If it's namecalling, or "ping-ponging", or worse, any hands on at all, they do a service together and the service is certainly the one that no one, I mean no one wants to do. 
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ALmom
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I no longer have children that age but here is what we did - point to a location on the sofa - you sit here and you sit here where they are close enough to see each other and talk but not close enough to continue the petty physical pushing, shoving, annoying. Then I tell them, "You will stay until you work it out between you and both (all) of you are happy with the solution." If it involves a toy or some other material possession, I hold it until they have reported to me what their solution is and I have verified both/all parties happiness with the solution. I often ask each child to tell me what they did (they inevitably tell me what the other person did and I correct them, saying I only want to hear what they did). If stories don't match,(not that uncommon at first), then you turn to one or the other child and say, x, oh so you didn't do anything at all, but do you have any idea why so and so is so upset or what he might think happened. It is amazing how often the truth comes out - and very different than what I might have assumed. I learned to assume that I had no idea what happened unless I actually saw something - and then even, I did not know what provoked such an unhealthy and unacceptable answer. Of course, anything I saw, I did expect to hear from the child who did it - and I would bring it up if he failed to mention it.
The best part of this is that the children learned to communicate - and they learned the sooner they admitted the truth and their own fault in the matter, the sooner they could resolve things and get back to playing and off sitting on seperate chairs. At first, I had to put a lot of things on hold to be UN translator or modeler of a better way to phrase the comment (modeling by repeating what was said - but phrased so that the other could understand or not be hurt by the words - the 5 yo says he is mean and you turn to the 5 yo and ask, so what you are trying to say is that you are very hurt by this because you think it was on purpose). A 5 yo language is not always understood by an 8 yo - but they really can learn if they are required to.
The books, How to talk so kids will listen and Listen so kids Will talk is a great one for thinking about how we say things and how to model this to our children.
I want my children to tattle on themselves - not each other - but I do want them to feel protected and know how to tell someone else that something they are doing is annoying or how to get out of a situation that they know is going to escalate. I also want my olders to learn how to make allowances for the weakness of the younger without feeling they must be tyrannized by them or never be able to play a game in peace.
Oh, and there is something with boys - a pattern of such. Some of the boys who fought most viciously in our family are the ones that are the closest by elementary school. We've come to almost predict intense friendship when we see the WAR - even while we teach them how to communicate. (Oh and in any war, each party has contributed something and until each aknowledges their own fault (sometimes one is at greater fault than another and all that), you cannot achieve any peace. I often had to repeat many times, "I didn't ask what your brother did, I asked what you did?" or had to step in when the language was simply circling aimlessly with "but you did" a interpretive phrase to set things going right again.
Also before each got up, I took them privately and asked if they were happy with the solution. You can usually read a child who is simply giving in to get up and it doesn't take much for them to then open up and express some pent up frustrations in private. (I usually commented that they seemed sad, was there something still bothering them). Then you get some ideas and go.
Admittedly this does take a bit more time initially - but I promise, after a few times, they learn how to do it themselves and it is rare that you have to intervene. It is really wonderful.
Janet
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SuzanneG
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ALmom wrote:
The books, How to talk so kids will listen and Listen so kids Will talk is a great one for thinking about how we say things and how to model this to our children.
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I also like Siblings Without Rivalry by the same authors.
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chrisv664
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Over the last 20 years of mothering.. some things that have worked were, making them hug, writing a letter to each other saying only nice things(or if they are too young to write it they can say it), performing a service for the other one.
I just wanted to comment that I had two girls first and then a boy, and the girls were not into wrestling and physical fighting. Because of the two oldest being girls, my oldest son was never a fighter. The next boy came when he was seven, so because of the age difference, I've never had alot of physical fights between siblings. Bickering, yelling, yes... wrestling and the like... not so much!
Families I know with several boys close in age deal with this more.. I think it may be the nature of the (boy) beast! Maybe they need a physical outlet for all that energy!
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ALmom
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The aspect I noticed with my boys is that the fight might get intense (and more physical than the girls) but there were never any grudges and it was over quickly. It didnt' ruin everyone's day. With the girls, you had to watch for the pouting all day thing. I had two girls first - then 4 boys so I've seen the combination for each. Also it seems to happen more often when there are odd numbers - and between certain personalities.
And yes, Siblings Without Rivalry is another great book to read for how to phrase things.
Janet
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Michaela
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Maddie wrote:
I used to cry because I so wanted them to get along. Now they are 17 and 13 and inseparable. They are always together, they are always looking out for each other, they talk together all the time and have the greatest debates on issues important to them. I would have never guessed these two would mend their fences and become best buds.
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Please Lord let my boys get along even half as well!
We have Cain and Abel over here. It's heartbreaking.
My younger son says horrible things that I don't know how to handle. My older son instigates the fights....and if it were just fist fights I would just dismiss it as "boys will be boys".....
It's worse, but I think it's because my youngers son doesn't know how to respond ...
right now, they are giggling with one another in their bedroom. It's just so hard to figure out.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: How do you settle sibling squabbles?
