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LucyP
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| Posted: Aug 18 2008 at 2:03pm | IP Logged
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My sister is getting married in January, DV, and has asked me to be matron of honour and/or do a reading.
I'll do the reading (but it is at an anlican church and she and her fiance live together, don't attend church etc) so it is not like a comfortable setting for me.
But the matron of honour thing - I have been stressing that she would ask me since she announced the engagement.
Basically, my children are intended to be part of the wedding party - they'll be 5 and 20m at that point, and I worried how they will cope anyway and dh and I will need to be available for dealing with their issues without disruption and I couldn't do that as matron of honour.
Plus I am fat, frumpy - I will look awful in a brown satin strapless kneelength dress. I will feel so uncomfortable and ugly and I feel that I would ruin the photos - I am way not photogenic with my specs and frizzy hair and blotchy cheeks.
But I want to put her first. Part of me thinks an ugly matron of honour who has to sprint to the back of the church to deal with a hysterical child will not be helpful, and if I can be there to run interference on the children, do the dress foofing for photos without needing to be in them myself etc, look after the girls in the party that would be a big help. And then part of me thinks if she wants me, I should not even think about my own perceptions and just hope people see the love in my eyes and not my matronly bust.
What do you gals think?
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Martha
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| Posted: Aug 18 2008 at 2:34pm | IP Logged
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Be honest and say you will be too busy taking care that the children aren't a difficulty during the wedding, but are still happy for her and glad to attend. 
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Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Aug 18 2008 at 2:51pm | IP Logged
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Just tell her.. how very much you'd like to be able to do it.. how special it makes you feel that she wants you.. but that you're already stressing about being able to carry that off and deal with the children and helping get them where they need to be and calming them (sometimes only mommy will work) etc. And that you'd much prefer to be in the background helping things run smoothly and taking care of your children so that her special day runs without a hitch.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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LLR4
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| Posted: Aug 18 2008 at 2:52pm | IP Logged
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LucyP --
Are you close with your sister?? If so - talk to her about your concerns.
Are you using your kids possible difficulties in the wedding party, as an excuse to get out of being in the wedding party yourself?? Are they asking your Dh to be in the party as well? Because if not then he would be available for the kids. If you are truly worried about if the kids can handle their responsibilities at their age, then express that to your sister. Ask her about "What if they won't go down the aisle? Or what if...."...whatever.
Now on to what I want to say most. God doesn't make ugly!!! And I am willing to bet your are BEAUTIFUL, because there is 'beautiful' in EVERYONE. If you are concerned about your weight that much, January is a ways off. Either way,I promise, you will not ruin the photos. If your sister really wants you as her matron of honor, what will ruin the photos is if you are not in them for her. Photos are such an important part of family history. Also....pro photogs can and should take care of blotchy cheeks, etc. Hopefully they are hiring a qualified photographer. (That's one place couples tend to go cheap, and it's one of the most important elements, in my book.).
Sorry if I am being too straightforward, but I'm just suggesting you to think about what it is you are REALLY afraid of here - and yes, to put your sister first if that means something to her, for you to be in her party and stand up for her. Honestly...if you are afraid of calling attention to yourself, it does so MORE SO when you are obviously trying to avoid cameras, and even go so far as to say no to your sister for your own self consciousness.
Meanwhile....please value yourself!! Work on what you can change if it really bothers you. But all of God's children are made perfect in His eyes. Who cares what anyone else thinks anyway?? Those who have a negative opinion in judging your appearance, regardless, have bigger issues themselves. I hate to see people have such low self esteem, and it just makes me want to hug you!
Focus on what matters. I hope it's ok to say so much but....I'm a little saddened and frustrated you are so down on yourself.
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Blessed: Mama to dd{A}13 y.o., and 7 y.o. triplets ds{J}, dd{O}, ds{S} and wife to Michael
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Aug 18 2008 at 2:59pm | IP Logged
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Following along with Laura's post.. the matron of honor's dress can be different than the brides maids.. so especially if the dresses are being made.. you could get something with a different top/neckline/sleeves but otherwise looks just like the bridesmaids dresses. So if that is the biggest obstacle.. it's another thing you could talk about.
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lapazfarm
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| Posted: Aug 18 2008 at 9:02pm | IP Logged
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JodieLyn wrote:
| Following along with Laura's post.. the matron of honor's dress can be different than the brides maids.. so especially if the dresses are being made.. you could get something with a different top/neckline/sleeves but otherwise looks just like the bridesmaids dresses. So if that is the biggest obstacle.. it's another thing you could talk about. |
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That's what I was going to say as well. The matron of honor can definitely have input as to what dress she will wear and it is usually distinct from the other bridesmaids--more elegant. No reason you can't have something with a bit more coverage if it will make you more comfortable.
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us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
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Erin
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Lucy
For what it is worth here is MY recent experience. And I stress that this was MY situation yours could well be different. But I share with some possible food for thought.
My sister was married at the beginning of the year and honoured me by asking me to be in the Matron of Honour. She stressed that she didn't expect me to do that much and really understood that I lived far away with lots of children. She was having a bridal shower and Hen's night and would only expect me to come to one of them and not really have to do any work. She lived 4.5hrs away. Interestingly at the time my grandmother told her that she was asking too much of me and it wasn't fair to ask. But my sister REALLY wanted both her sisters in the party which was lovely. My youngest sister is 16 and gorgeous. I had never been in a wedding party so it was lovely to be asked.
Well lots of different experiences happened. I was pretty upfront about having a reasonably modest dress (very hard to find) it showed alot more skin than I normally do but at least it wasn't spaghetti straps.
The logistics were what was difficult, my sister said I only had to go to Brisbane once but I could tell she really wanted me at all the events. If I had my time again I would stick by her original promise. I nearly killed myself going up there, three times all told and unbeknown to my family I had fallen pregnant in the meantime and was two months pregnant at her wedding. (I told family whilst she was away on her honeymoon, I didn't want to take any focus off her.) This meant that two times I had to leave my children at home, once with dh and once with my mother.(Dh went up for the Buck's party the same night as the Hen's.)
All of my children ended up either in the wedding party or with important jobs, which was lovely of my sister but to be really honest we are still paying off the wedding costs 6 months later. I did look beautiful on the day but alot of money went into that glamorous look, didn't come easy.
Truthfully I don't think I was the best Matron of Honour for my sister, I wasn't supportive enough, I was often distracted by my mother hat as well as my sister hat. I was constantly wondering how dh was coping, particularly at the reception, that was difficult to not be with him. My brothers promised to help him out but he said the reality was it didn't happen.
It was a little strange partnering with someone other than my husband, although I think the Best Man found it stranger than I did. He made a comment to me when we entered in and then when we danced.
Having my children as part of the wedding party with me in it was a breeze that wasn't an issue, actually dd3 ended up falling asleep on my shoulder. The 6 and 9 yr olds were fine.
I wouldn't worry about how you look, (believe me you'll be poked and prodded so much you'll truly be Cinderella for a day) it is lovely that she has asked you and honour to your relationship.
For me the the distance was the biggest killer, and my sister's expectations were hard for me to meet. I did also find it hard to wear both a mother and a sister hat simultaneously.
It actually wasn't the day in a way that was the hardest it was more the attending beforehand.
It really, really depends on YOUR logistics and your sister's expectations.
If you're interested here are some glamour shots  I like the one of my children and dh and I in the bottom left hand corner. The handsome men in the next photo are my brothers. Yes they are ALL single.  Truly if it is looks holding you back don't worry that is NOT my usual look.
Praying for you, it is a hard decision.
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Erin
Faith Filled Days
Seven Little Australians
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Topic: What would you do?
