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mom2mpr
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| Posted: June 17 2008 at 6:59am | IP Logged
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I know we all go through our seasons with our kids but this one is exhausting me. I drag everyone to mass each Sunday and it is hard, and getting hurtful to me. I am the only one pushing and begging and bribing to get everyone out the door. When we are there, the rolling of eyes, the "Are we done, yet?", etc. make me wish I had left them all home. Dd who knows the mass and is 5 won't even join in the Lords Prayer or do the sign of peace. Embarrassing? At times.
When do you throw in the towel and say, "The bus is leaving at 9:30 and if you are going, be there." I want to go and not have to deal with these stressors.
I am tempted to do a few extra masses a week to "practice" but then I feel like it is a punishment. I am going to try to print off the coloring pages on Catholic Mom.
We do usually read the gospel the week before. I try to prepare them and we have done the mass presentations for CGS. I am at a loss as to what to do to inspire and help them behave and be a little more enthusiastic.
Anne
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LucyP
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| Posted: June 17 2008 at 8:00am | IP Logged
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I don't know what to say. I will pray for you, Anne. One thing I see in my own 4.5yo is that "adult paced" stuff is confusing to him. I suppose a bit like I speak French but get lost when a native speaker talks to me normally, rather than on slow! Our son knows many prayers and will say them in family prayers, when we go slow or let him lead, other times it is as if he can't get the memory and the tongue on the go quick enough to join in. And he seldom shakes hands at the peace either, because it makes him feel shy. Maybe those are factors that can be at work for your dd?
Is there a way you could fit in a one-on-one mass with your children, when you can have just that child, and really share it all and whisper about what is happening at the altar and in heaven etc? I know that captivates my son. He also really learns from example, and when he sees me concentrated on Christ he is more likely to be on his knees in prayer than when he sees me wrangling the baby and focussed on her.
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Tina
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| Posted: June 17 2008 at 8:10am | IP Logged
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In my opinion, how you handle it partly depends on the age of your children. Here, though, it's not an option. Even my dd12 has had times of not being "in the mood" to go, but after Mass always says that being there put her in a good mood. Sometimes it's just the the hastle of getting ready and getting out the door. With my dd5, we make it a big deal (because it is). We pick out her dress the night before and she knows it's a special time. She still resists going sometimes because she was in the middle of playing when I say, time to get ready.
Depending on the ages of your children, you could explain how Jesus is really present, and maybe get the book A Peek Inside My Church (I think that's what it's called.) Read it with them ahead of time to interest them in all the special things around them when they are at Mass. Or talk about the liturgical colors ahead of time, to get them to notice what Father is wearing, etc. Anything to draw them into the Mass is helpful. We sometimes bring children's Mass books to Mass, too. If they are too young to read it, they can associate the Mass in front of them with the book, by looking at pictures. We also try to (though not always) read the upcoming readings ahead of time, especially the Gospel, so they'll recognize the readings during Mass.
One last thing is just to give lots of positive reinforcement. When they do pay attention, or get ready without fussing, or even sing a song during Mass, let them know you noticed and then say something positive. I've noticed with my children, that doing that seems to make them want to do more to please me.
I'll keep you and your children in my prayers. I'm sure this will pass.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: June 17 2008 at 8:16am | IP Logged
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You mentioned your 5 yr old. I'm not sure what other ages you have.
But if you're acting like it's a chore (and it is at the moment) to go to Mass.. then they may well be feeling like it's a chore to have to go and dragging their feet.
Also, you may be preparing them too much. I'd be inclined to flip flop it around. Ask them AFTER Mass what the readings were about and such.. not punatively (I stay upbeat asking about it, and if no one has any answer I don't berate them, but I'm very enthusiastic about ANY answer that fits) but they may be bored because you've already covered everything and they feel like they've btdt already and enough is enough.
Also, is there anything fun (to them) attached to going to Mass? I'm pretty sure that my kids go to Mass to get to the donuts after Mass  But if we "play at Mass" we don't stay after. And the enthusiasm has included the Mass.
Also, we only have a single Sunday Mass in town, all others are at the outlying Missions (Sat. evening and Sunday).. so I was never able to try the "goof off too much and we'll stay for the next Mass to get it right" type of thing. But mainly when my older kids were fairly young, I have made them stay and appologize to Jesus for goofing around before they could go do the fun stuff.. also I've followed through on my threat of if you play around during Mass we don't stay to play (and eat donuts) after Mass. A couple of follow throughs and they toe the line with that threat.. but hollow threats they do see through.
I encourage following along but I generally don't insist that they're saying the prayers or such until they start their year of prep for First Reconciliation/Communion. That is when I expect them to be attempting to recite the prayers and such. Again, I'm enthusiastic about any attempts to join in.. nods, winks, smiles (all my little silent cues that "hey you're doing a good job" ) But before then I'm perfectly fine with "somewhat respectful" behavior.. which here is 3 fold..
1) stay in your spot
2) be quiet
3) no excessive movements (big ones that attract attention)
Oh and a big one.. if they can't see what's going on.. they WILL NOT become engaged in what's going on. If all you could see was adults sitting and standing and kneeling and reading out of a book.. would it make much sense to you? And if there's any seperation (even a huge glass window that you can see through, like a cry room) they will likely disengage if they ever were engaged. To a small child that window seperates them from what's going on and they stop paying any attention at all.
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-Sir Walter Scott
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LucyP
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| Posted: June 17 2008 at 8:29am | IP Logged
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I agree with Jodie. We go to the second or third pew back - because I like to have people to copy for the kneeling, standing parts  but we make sure DS gets a great view. It makes so much difference. Say if he sees less next to Dada than next to Mama, when he moves to sit next to Dada we notice a dip in behaviour and attention.
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Taffy
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| Posted: June 17 2008 at 10:01am | IP Logged
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Alice had a great post on her blog about how her parents always made church activities fun. I have taken that to heart and try to have something rewarding for the kids to look forward to after Mass. We don't usually have desert so a treat is nice. But, the fun activity or treat only happens if the kids behave themselves during Mass. And I follow through - believe me, there have been some shedding of tears when they realize they lost on on their reward by acting up during Mass! I'm pretty relaxed about my standards, especially at first, and it seems to be working well.
Another thought, is to have the kids answer the questions on the activity sheets from Catholic Mom. A reward is given for the child who does well on it.
I try to be cheerful about Mass and remember to speak kindly. Easier said than done sometimes. As mentioned before, act like it's worthwhile and not a chore.
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Mackfam
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| Posted: June 17 2008 at 10:44am | IP Logged
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I didn't have time to read the other posts - so I apologize in advance if I'm redundant.
The first thing we did to set up a stress free Mass routine was to plan and set out everything the night before so there were no decisions to be made and fought over the next morning...clothes all pressed and put together on the dresser right down to the undies and socks, everyone picks out their breakfast choice and sets out as much as they can at their spot (so maybe a cereal bowl and a juice glass and spoon), I'm sure you already do this, but showers the night before. I include myself in this routine, too - my clothes are set out as well. I try to set them up (and myself too) for success.
Next, I made sure that everyone got plenty of sleep the night before, and this meant ensuring that everyone went to bed at a reasonable hour Saturday night - no exceptions!
I don't force anyone to pray. I encourage. I may gently talk to a child before Mass about how pleased Jesus is with them when they tell Him that they love Him. I try to encourage the formation of one good habit at a time - so for my ds right now that is folding hands during prayer and not slouching. That's it. I gently touch his side and fold my hands for him to set the example and that's it. Once that is a habit for him, we'll move on to another area that needs work.
I don't expect much public devotion from my younger children, just good behavior so that they are not a distraction to others behind us. We do try to reward good behavior at Mass with a special treat or activity, but we've sort of slacked on this of late. Thanks for motivating me to be more consistent there. 
I do not tolerate any chatting during the Mass.
I do very little disciplining during the Mass, unless it is absolutely necessary. I try instead to set the example myself. I took to heart the advice that faith is caught not taught. I pray very hard during the Mass for the grace to be the example my children need to see and to be the gentle mother and wife my family needs me to be.
And lastly, my husband and I very deliberately speak of how much we desire to go to Mass to offer up "x" sacrifice or because we need God's graces for "x" intention or because we long to tell God thank you for a gift He has recently given. It is not done in an open ended way, just mentioned casually throughout the week.
Lest you think I have it all together (I don't!!!) - there are just "those days" sometimes - when the toddler dissassembles the missal holder attached to the pew, the baby yaks all over your navy blue dress, the 7yo does nothing but dig in his nose...those days. After an exhausting three-ring circus Mass, I do like Danielle Bean does when Father says "The Mass is ended" -- I respond wholeheartedly, "THANKS BE TO GOD." I try not to be too fussy afterwards, because I don't want the kids to always be dreading Mass because Mom is going to pick on something/everything.
I'll pray for you, Anne! We're in this together!
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: June 17 2008 at 11:44am | IP Logged
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MackFam wrote:
| After an exhausting three-ring circus Mass, I do like Danielle Bean does when Father says "The Mass is ended" -- I respond wholeheartedly, "THANKS BE TO GOD." |
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OH HOW TRUE!!
Many times when I'm alone with all my littles.. there were times that the only thing I felt like I got from the Mass was exhaustion.. but you know.. it's paying off.. my older kids are well trained and the youngers are following them.. so really it's only the little littles that are much of a problem anymore and I actually HEAR things that are said during the Mass
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All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Helen
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| Posted: June 17 2008 at 5:15pm | IP Logged
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Anne, I'll have to catch up on these posts. This is a great topic and everyone here is always full of good ideas.
I wanted to mention that last year I put together some posts on my blog
Sunday Mass Preparation
I tried to concentrate on ways to show the children to pray mentally during Mass.
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Ave Maria!
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momtimesfour
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| Posted: June 17 2008 at 6:48pm | IP Logged
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Right now our family splits up for Mass. My eldest son serves most Saturdays, so one of us takes him and our 7yo. The next day the other parent goes to Mass. Someone is always home with the littles (3.5yo and 1yo) because they are just too difficult to corral at church. We have very limited space (overflow gets to sit outside... and it's 112 degrees outside until September!), no cry room, and no vestibule. So for the time being, it is just easier to go in shifts. I am looking forward to going as a whole family in the future.
But for kiddos that can sit, I bring coloring pages that have to do with Mass or a picture Bible/book of saints. My 7yo brings his MagnifiKid for the week and/or does the CatholicMom worksheet. Goofing off results in me putting the "fun stuff" away in time out until Mass is over.
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monique
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| Posted: June 18 2008 at 8:07am | IP Logged
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What a great topic. With five kids Mass has been a struggle for a long time, especially when my husband isn't always there because of work. Various things have worked for us but I think the biggest thing is just consistency. I think when they know that this is really important and mom isn't going to throw in the towel it starts to sink in. Don't get me wrong, there are many days I come home and wonder why I was even there because I didn't get anything out of it. I just keep telling myself that one day I will be able to sit through Mass and actually listen and pray without disciplining!
Hang in there. I like what someone else said-we are all in this together. Praying for you.
Monique
Mom to 5 (1 girl and 4 boys)
Raising Saints
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SimplyMom
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| Posted: June 18 2008 at 10:50pm | IP Logged
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I have discovered four things.
As said before we make sure everything we need (shoes, stockings, belts, socks, diaper bag, et al.) are ready to go the night before.
We do a high protein low carb breakfast. This makes a difference in our sons's behaviors especially. We also go to the 9am mass. If the children don't have time to get involved in anything other than breakfast and getting ready for mass they aren't feeling pulled away from their fun stuff to go to boring church.
When at church I Stay focused on mass as much as possible. I am not there to school them in proper posture, prayers or teach them at that moment I am there for mass. They learn from watching us. We have found that when we spend our time trying to teach them to be reverant they make us concentrate on them. If we are concentrating on the mass they see it is important and their behavior improves immensely. The obvious exception is if they are acting in a way that is distracting to others. Then we take them out of mass and explain what we expect.
We also reward them if they are good after mass with a small treat. I guess that is more than four things... Anyhow. It goes in cycles, sometimes things get rough for a bit, but we usually find that we have allowed ourselves to slip from the pattern in those time.
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SimplyMom from Simply Catholic
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: June 19 2008 at 3:21pm | IP Logged
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What are these Catholic Mom worksheets a few people mentioned?
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Barbara
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momtimesfour
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Barbara,
This site: Catholic Mom has some great resources. Somewhere on there is a link to printable worksheets. They ask questions about which liturgical season we're in, what color is the priest wearing (to make connections to feast days/season), what the readings are about. It helps the kids to listen for something they can recognize. We've really liked them. I think there might be coloring pages for littler ones.
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Isa in Michigan
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| Posted: June 23 2008 at 7:05am | IP Logged
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Up until I had five children, I went to Daily Mass. We would always go in the cry room. Initially with the older ones when they were toddler age, it was more difficult because they didn't want to stay still. As I got the older ones to behave well, the younger ones weren't as difficult.
I think the chance to practice so often helped my children do fairly well at Mass. I did continue staying in the cry room because it minimized my stress level and I didn't have to worry if the little ones made sounds.
It will take some time to train them, but the rewards are great!
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Michaela
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| Posted: June 23 2008 at 10:30am | IP Logged
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mom2mpr wrote:
When do you throw in the towel and say, "The bus is leaving at 9:30 and if you are going, be there." I want to go and not have to deal with these stressors.
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I did just that yesterday. 
Well who are the greeters at the door for Mass? Father & Deacon. Where are the children? the family? ...and I had to tell them at home. The Deacon said, "Oh! Well, ummmm, (pause)oooooh....(pause) oh...." Not fun. Do I take the time to explain they can go to Mass later in the evening at a parish close to our home?
I started crying in the pew, and couldn't stop.
Ugh!
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Michaela
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Sparrow
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| Posted: June 23 2008 at 2:15pm | IP Logged
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Dd1 is almost 7 and knows the Lord's Prayer but won't say it. She knows most of the Mass but won't say it. It irritates me, but I realize it's because she's self-conscious for some reason. I don't make a big deal about it at the moment but I have told her that once she starts preparing for first communion I expect her to participate. She does love doing the sign of peace, though! Sometimes I see children that look so awed and reverent and mine are bored and squalling and uggh! Makes me feel like I've done something wrong :( We've started having my mom take dd2 (who's almost 3) to the park while dd1 and dd3 go to Mass with us. Makes it a bit easier because dd2 just can't handle it right now (she's developmentally delayed) and when she's there dd1 just won't pay any attention, she just wants to be rowdy.
So no real advice from me but lots of commiseration!
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Katie, blessed wife to Tyson and mom to all girls! Bailey (7) Riley (3) and Rory (3/17)
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Topic: Dragging them to mass..
