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Rachel May
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Posted: June 14 2008 at 1:55pm | IP Logged Quote Rachel May

How do you handle being famous?

Since we first had the twins, we have been stopped by strangers with questions, comments, offers of candy, etc. and I have enjoyed and mostly welcomed the opportunity to witness about our life.

However, with Joseph's birth we have tipped the scales from being an interesting group to being minor celebrities. I recently met someone who, after hearing my name, said, "Oh! I heard about you a year ago!"    Bill will walk through the PX and be stopped by people he hasn't met and I barely know to ask after me and the baby.

I think what's hard for me is knowing that people already know who I am. Which means people are talking about me...but why?...and what are they saying? It makes me want to hide in a hole and cry.

Surely other people deal with this too? How?

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Posted: June 14 2008 at 2:03pm | IP Logged Quote Lisbet

We've had lots of those weird things happen too.

Sometimes I get a bit wigged out about it. Like when someone I never met before, but evidently lives on my street stopped me and the children at the market and asked if I was Lisa B. Apparently, the mail lady tells everyone about us.    Or when I was introduced to someone and she said "Oh, I'm so glad to finally meet you, although I feel like I already know you."

I don't know why it happens, why or what people say to us, or how to handle it. Frankly, I can't worry about it!

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Posted: June 14 2008 at 2:13pm | IP Logged Quote JodieLyn

Oh we live in a small town.. I consider it a normal thing.

And I have since we moved here.. I'm pretty sure that I was known as that crazy lady who takes her kids everywhere.. and that was when I was pregnant with #4

But based on what's said to me.. mainly I think they just mention that 1) we have lots of kids and 2) the kids are well behaved when we're out (home is a different story and 3) that I take my kids shopping and such by myself.. oh and we've been here long enough now and my kids old enough that most will know we homeschool as well..

I'm sure people think I'm nuts.. but I'm also just as sure that they don't have any complaints about us just that headshaking everyone seems to do.. and/or that "super mom" thing people tend to project.. they think "I can't do that" so therefore someone who does must be "so much more" than just normal.

Oh and my dh runs into the financial aspect of "how do they do that".

I consider it a compliment when I'm recognized without my kids with me though.. since I don't have my biggest identifying feature with me

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Posted: June 14 2008 at 2:23pm | IP Logged Quote guitarnan

Well, I only have two children...but I was a base commander's wife in a rural area for two years. (We are still married...he's just not the CO! ) Everywhere I went, everyone knew who I was, or else they'd whisper, "Don't you know who she is?" Aargh.

Frankly, fame is a pain. I feel for Laura Bush. I just tried to be as "me" as possible and not let it bug me too much. One thing that helped me was to go someplace else, where no one knew me, once in a while so I could shop or whatever without having to talk with people all the time.

Having a bully pulpit can be nice, though - you can speak up about causes you hold dear, always a good thing.

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Posted: June 14 2008 at 2:51pm | IP Logged Quote LucyP

On a totally different scale, we had a similar issue with our ds, when we adopted him. He has copper hair and is quite noticeable I guess, and we would hear from his former foster carer that people would drive past us when we were out and about and tell her they had seen him and he looked okay or whatever. And we had people come up to the shopping trolley and start speaking to ds while ignoring us. It was wierd. I like feeling invisible. To the extent that I even feel partly attracted to muslim dress.
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Posted: June 14 2008 at 4:18pm | IP Logged Quote Maddie

I posted a similar question here recently but took it down.

I don't know how to deal with it either, we are constantly stopped by people we don't even know so they can gaze upon our family as if we were a museum exhibit. I don't know what to say when the heaps of praise or questions are poured on our family. Most of the time I sincerely appreciate the words of encouragement and the compliments, but I feel so uncomfortable being made such a spectacle of.

I never know what to say, I just want to move on quickly but to do so would be rude. I know, because I actually did it once. We were being fawned over after church one Sunday and I couldn't take it anymore, I just politely smiled and said thank you and moved everyone along. Well! The ladies were most put out and ever after I was dubbed "such a snob, but her children are beautiful".

I know people are watching us and I feel so inadequate to be a good faithful witness.

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Maryan
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Posted: June 14 2008 at 5:03pm | IP Logged Quote Maryan

Ohh... I've heard the Rachel May fan club talk. It was soemthing like this: "Did you know she's Mrs. Incredible?"

Advice: Do what the Hollywood stars do: dress in baseball hats and dark sunglasses -- if all 9 do it, I'm sure your adoring fans won't recognize you.

Okay.. Plan B: allow extra time for all events so your paparazzi can't get in all their ooo-ing and ahh-ing...and get a plastic smile that you can insert in your mouth for when you're too tired to keep it up.

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insegnante
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Posted: June 14 2008 at 5:42pm | IP Logged Quote insegnante

I don't know if I ever might have reacted that way in the past being so happy to hear about and see Catholics still open to having large families -- not that I at all assume small ones are not faithful. I'm sure I've said (positive) things like are being described to others about large families but I'm just too shy to have been at great risk of going up and directly talking to anyone about her own family that way.

But having read this board for so long, first of all I just don't think of it as that unusual for someone to have seven, eight or even nine or more kids anymore. I wouldn't even be tempted to gawk. Six kids doesn't even necessarily seem to make a family "large" anymore, seriously. But when I see a "large" (like at least 4 little kids close in age) family in public I notice it sort of the same way as you might notice more overt signs of Catholicism or other agreeable things about strangers and while I avoid staring I am likely to point it out to my husband or something. I am definitely more aware since I've been reading of how people might feel about even what I saw previously as positive attention; honestly, though I've never actually said it to anyone, I didn't even know that "you have your hands full!" or "are they all yours?" said without a disapproving expression could have been offensive. (The latter question would be to make sure before making positive comments about a situation that might not even exist.) Now I would be more aware that people generally just don't need me acknowledging that, wow, they have eight kids. (As did one of my aunts, but she had all hers in the 1950s and 1960s.)

I have noticed that the "large" families I know seem less "large" when I know the people more individually. When you know the individual personalities, you're just not as focused on the fact that there are a supposedly whopping six or eight brothers and sisters. My mother was one of nine, seven of whom lived past early childhood, and from the 1980s it was just her and her four sisters surviving. The oldest sister died a few years ago and now it's always like, "Wow, there's only the four of them left" (with her being the youngest at almost 70.) It's strange to think of the four of them as having been enough siblings to constitute someone's idea of a "large family." And large family or not, each person's presence or absence made or makes such a difference, they weren't just this mass of faceless people who made up a Large Family.

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Posted: June 14 2008 at 6:58pm | IP Logged Quote CrunchyMom

Well, for starters, I think you just assume that if people are talking about you it is either impersonal or positive.

I also think that you have to train yourself with that plastic smile mentioned above for when people "compliment" you.

I'm from a small town in rural Alabama, and I have a brother with severe cerebral palsy who was a cute kid and was often featured in Birmingham news stories about the programs in which he was participating. Walking around with someone in a large electric wheelchair is pretty much saying "look at me."

Add to that the fact that I was a musician and performed a lot in church and school, and everyone knew me--or thought they did. It IS unnerving having everyone know your name (when you don't know theirs) and think they *know* you.

BUT, somewhat related, I learned especially from performing publicly, that the humble thing to do is smile graciously and thank the person who thinks they are complimenting. At least that's what my mom taught me. To do otherwise is to comment somehow on the other person (their motive, their taste/opinion, etc...).

I don't know how to get over the squirminess. I'm not sure you ever get over feeling awkward--you just train yourself to respond in a gracious way regardless. Maybe even come up with rote responses to the questions and comments that you receive most often so you can respond automatically without having to think.

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Posted: June 14 2008 at 6:59pm | IP Logged Quote amyable

I like the baseball hat and sunglasses idea!

The other weekend when we were at our Aunt's 70th Jubilee celebration of being a nun - you know, a place filled with nuns and priests, where you think people would be used to large families - I had more than one person who didn't know me come up to me and say, "Are you THE mom?" with that "wow" tone of voice.
Even though we only have 5, we stick out everywhere we go (it helps that my dd is bald and also VERY social - people I don't know, all over town - and we don't live in a small town! - come up to my oldest and say, "Hi Rose! We know you from ______"

Works for me, I just let her be my agent.
I don't have any great advice though!

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Posted: June 14 2008 at 7:54pm | IP Logged Quote teachingmyown

Gee Rachel, I thought you were asking because you have all those great cookbooks. Oh, wait, that's Rachel Ray!

I think of her every time you post.



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Posted: June 14 2008 at 9:46pm | IP Logged Quote PDyer

insegnante wrote:
I just don't think of it as that unusual for someone to have seven, eight or even nine or more kids anymore. I wouldn't even be tempted to gawk.


Funny story:

Recently my MIL wanted us to help her remember the name of a friend of ours, who she described as, "you know, your friend with the large family, six or seven kids."

My dh and I looked at each other for a minute and responded quizzically in unison, "Which one??"

       

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Posted: June 15 2008 at 11:10pm | IP Logged Quote Nina Murphy

This is so funny! We are "famous" too at some local places here. Esp. at the local grocery store.   People we don't remember, remember US----and it can be disconcerting, irritating, or amusing....depending on how much sleep I've had. People stare at me....literally stare....as if to figure something out. It also seemed to really jump from surprising people to shocking people to paralyzing them really quickly from number 7 to 8 to 9. I mean 9 is *really* freaking these Northern Californians out.

So good to hear others' stories! I'm staring at you. You're all beautiful!



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Posted: June 16 2008 at 6:32am | IP Logged Quote Maryan

I have two "famous" stories from growing up:

Grocery store outings were full of gawkers for us too. And Amy, as the oldest of my 5 sisters, I was the "spokeswoman" -- however, they never remembered our names.   

BUT when # 7 was a boy, I became "Tommy's sister."

-----

The other one was when I was getting married. One of my sisters was scandalized that I didn't even want to TRY to have a limo for our wedding.    So I told her to feel free to call around, but they were just too expensive for our very short trip from house to church. But I told her to knock herself out.

So she left lots of messages with limo companies and realized that I was right. It was $300 expensive. But one guy called her back who was located in our decent sized town.

She told him about the two mile trip from our street to the church. And he asked: "What end of ___ Road are you on? At the top of the street near that house with all the girls.... or at the end of the street?"

My sister got so scared that she almost dropped the phone and hung up. But decided to say: "We are those girls???"

She got a deal: a limo for $50 bucks!!!   

So maybe being famous in the grocery store has its perks?

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Posted: June 16 2008 at 3:45pm | IP Logged Quote Rachel May

You all have given me a good laugh which is what I really needed.   

I sort of enjoy the attention when we are out as a group and have a good stock of answers for people's comments; it has been the personal scrutiny that has given me the fidgets. Like this:
guitarnan wrote:
Everywhere I went, everyone knew who I was, or else they'd whisper, "Don't you know who she is?" Aargh.

Quote:
"Oh, I'm so glad to finally meet you, although I feel like I already know you."

Quote:
Add to that the fact that I was a musician and performed a lot in church and school, and everyone knew me--or thought they did. It IS unnerving having everyone know your name (when you don't know theirs) and think they *know* you.

Quote:
People stare at me....literally stare....as if to figure something out.


It creeps me out to think people are thinking about me that much, and I put too much pressure on myself to be what they want instead of who I really am...flawed and working towards redemption.

Quote:
Frankly, fame is a pain. I feel for Laura Bush. I just tried to be as "me" as possible and not let it bug me too much. One thing that helped me was to go someplace else, where no one knew me, once in a while so I could shop or whatever without having to talk with people all the time.


Once when I went out and thought I was being incognito (and I had a ballcap on Maryan and Amy! ), when I went to pay, the clerk said, "Hey, you're that lady with all the kids!" How did she know? I had no clue who she was.

Quote:
Having a bully pulpit can be nice, though - you can speak up about causes you hold dear, always a good thing.


This is what I'll keep in mind. Be me, be gracious, champion my cause, cry when I need to. Thanks guys! I feel better, does everyone else? (I feel like I just had my own private therapy session. )

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Posted: June 18 2008 at 1:58am | IP Logged Quote Teakafrog

We get it too, even with only 3 kids so far, because DD is adopted, and obviously so, since she is a different race. When we lived in the city it was no big deal, but since we've moved to the boonies....we get a lot of attention! Most people I think are genuinely interested, so I try to be polite and tell them how wonderful adoption is. But it really does get old after awhile.
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Posted: June 18 2008 at 8:07am | IP Logged Quote crusermom

Try going to Disney World with 8 kids in tow - you are more interesting to the other tourists than any of the attractions. I don't know whether it was the size of the family or the thought of how much the tickets were that had their heads spinning. (It was a good deal that was Disney was running for military families!)

And to my kids - we are not even a big family! Big families have 12 or 14 kids. We are medium size. Can you tell what circles we move in???

Have fun with it!

Mary



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Posted: June 18 2008 at 12:01pm | IP Logged Quote Aggie gal

crusermom wrote:
Try going to Disney World with 8 kids in tow - you are more interesting to the other tourists than any of the attractions.


LOL!! I have a similar story.. We were at the Mall in DC and for some reason on that particular day, I was asked by several tourist groups if all of us were one family. It was just myself with the kiddos, so maybe that's what caught their attention. One person even asked if she could take a picture of us. It was really weird. We must've been stopped about a dozen times, esp. by a large group of Japanese tourists. Even the children thought it was strange.

Now we've just PCSed (moved) to a base where dh is a new commander and whoa NELLY!! -what a glass house we are in now. So far, so good, but it does make me a bit nervous at times.    

   

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Posted: June 18 2008 at 3:57pm | IP Logged Quote doris

Well, I'm not famous but with my mere four children I'm constantly getting 'You've got your hands full' comments.

It can go the other way, though. We were invited to a bonfire party last year by our friends with 8 children. They had also invited other friends with 8 children, and another family with 10 children and 2 more on the way... My eldest daughter announced, 'It will be really embarrassing going to that party as we've only got 3 children.'

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Posted: June 18 2008 at 8:29pm | IP Logged Quote LLR4

Well I guess I can relate to this feeling.
We only have 4 kids, but 3 of them are triplets, and for some reason, people are quite fascinated with them. It was worse when we had the triplet strollers, but now they just know us - everywhere, it seems. I do think "John & Kate Plus 8" are letting US look a littler more normal now. lol

What kind of gets to me is the same questions, and the same old comments. I love the negative toned "God bless you..", to which they are always surprised when I say "He already did!!"   

I also get "I don't know how you do it....I never could". It's only 4 kids!! And frankly..when they are your kids, you just DO IT, because you have to, because you love, them, and because you know you are blessed. (well, I would hope people do anyway.) My oldest daughter hears the same comments for her too, as the big sister, and she's always handled it so gracefully.

There is a whole stigma thing attached to the idea of multiples; like chaos and loss of control over behavior, etc. Now we are more known for how well behaved they are when we are out and about. We've taken all 4 to mass since birth, and it has NEVER been a problem. Out to dinner when we could afford it too. They are raised with our expectations, and 9 times out of 10 they rise to the occasion. If one EXPECTS everything to be a train wreck, because hey, there are 3 of them, (or they are boys, or anything like that)...that's what one gets, and one enforces it with submissiveness to it, with the attitude that that is why it's so crazy. (I could go on and on about that stuff.) People think I am some super mom, and it's so not the truth. I just have higher expectations of our children than some, and organization out of necessity for my own sanity and the harmony of our home and family. And kids NEED and WANT that anyway. I also see to it that all 4 of our children are living, learning and embracing the joy of living in God's light daily, which just makes it all the easier, and more fulfilling for ALL of us.

So many of you mothers here have a lot more children than we do.   Honestly, in the early years I feel many of you had (or have it) much more difficult with children spaced 1-2 years apart, who are all at different ages and stages. 3 all doing, needing, eating the same things makes it easier -- you know? So my hats are off to YOU all, and I am humbled by your grace and examples -- even on the rougher days of parenthood.

In general, for all of us 'famous families', I think people are just generally trying to be nice, and really, many just really don't know exactly what to say. It's our opportunity to 'educate them', or be an example of God's love. Like in our situation, some people don't really expect us to feel so blessed, and so they make a sympathy comment. (I WILL take the sympathy for the pregnancy, thank you!). So letting them know then that we do feel so blessed and give thanks to God for our 4 children, even if some did come in a little batch, gives them a little something to think about. Many turn their attitude around right there on the spot and say "Well good for you! That's the way to think about it!" ('And you'...I think to myself'.)

Children are a blessing, and none are more special than others in God's eyes, no matter how they got here, or what they look like, or how physically or mentally able they are, etc. That's really what I want people to know. Every single child is a perfect child of God, loaned to us and this world, to raise them by His will. Treat them all as such, big and small, a cute little chubby cheeked 3 year old or a 82 year old wrinkled one, and the world would be a better place, huh??

God is good. It can be a little tiresome being in this silly limelight sometimes. But I try to remember to use it to spread the glory of God, and be an example of humbleness.

Now I'm afraid to post this-I know it's going to be embarassingly long. lol

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