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nicole-amdg
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| Posted: June 11 2008 at 3:21pm | IP Logged
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I've been absent for quite a while, so I feel almost as if I'm crashing a party by posting this and asking for your attention, but I am really hoping to get your considered and prayerful opinions on this. (Hope I'm posting in the right place!)
I just read this article about confronting the poor where they are and it reminded me of some circumstances from a while back that left me disturbed. I meant to ask about it then--don't remember why I didn't. We have a panhandler or two that targets our church after Mass, when there are people around but not a lot--before and after the exit rush, I guess you'd say. One has approached my husband and me together and separately, and usually my husband gives him a five or a twenty or something. Now, my husband, concerned for my safety and aware of the idea that panhandlers sometimes abuse the generosity of their targets by using such money for things other than legitimate needs (alcoholics or drug addicts, for example), has expressly told me to avoid such people. So one day I was waiting for him in the car at church during Confession with the baby in my lap and this same guy knocks on the window. I didn't get out of the car or even roll the window down while he tried to talk to me, but the whole time (until this guy was called off by our pastor!) I kept hearing the passage from the Bible in my head about the goats and the sheep, "You fed me" or "You didn't feed me." This in view of a priest whom, admittedly, I don't know well. And I had this picture of St Elizabeth of Hungary in my head, and I just felt reproached.
What to do in this situation? I felt awful, and the whole "stay away from homeless people" has never sat well with me, but is he asking me to do something sinful, that I should disobey him? I hope I have not portrayed my husband in too mean a light, and that even those who disagree can at least respect that he is acting his role of protector of our family. Is there anything else I could have done, or could do in the future? Should do? Any suggestions for a compromise? Or if a compromise is not possible?
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Nicole
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Lisbet
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| Posted: June 11 2008 at 3:42pm | IP Logged
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nak...we have this at our church too and our priest has expressly told everyone not to give to them. that solves the whole issue for us.
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: June 11 2008 at 4:07pm | IP Logged
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Nicole:
Your question is not exactly the same, but I asked about how to explain to dc about why we don't give money to people asking for money off freeway. There is some good feedback / discussion about this.
Your husband is not asking you to do something sinful. My dh is very clear about this with us too. They are concerned for our safety.
If you feel called to help the homeless or the poor, there are lots of safe ways to do this....St. Vincent de Paul, food drives, money donations, soup kitchens, etc.
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organiclilac
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| Posted: June 11 2008 at 4:08pm | IP Logged
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While my husband often helps out those who approach him, he would not want me to do so if I was alone. Sadly, a huge percentage of the homeless suffer from mental illnesses, so I do not think it is unreasonable to refuse to help if you are alone.
We never give people money, but will buy them a sandwich or offer to pay for whatever they need the money for. Sometimes they accept, and sometimes it's clear they just want the cash. If you are approached a lot, you may want to keep bags in the car to hand out containing things like granola bars, juice boxes, phone cards, and bus passes.
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Matilda
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| Posted: June 11 2008 at 4:20pm | IP Logged
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Our amazing pastor who volunteers with the Missionaries of Charity every week once told me that I was never allowed to go there with the children or by myself. Their house was in a very bad part of town and he expressly forbid it after he found out that I once took the children there to drop off a donation of clothing. This same priest once gave a homily about a woman he once know who kept canned goods in her car that she would hand out to the homeless people on the corner holding signs. He fussed at her and told her never to do that again. He said, "Why would you hand them a weapon like that? In the blink of an eye you could be bashed over the head and pulled out of your car never to be seen again!"
He is an excellent priest totally faithful to the teachings of the Church who is also completely committed to helping the poor and he would be the first to say that you have to be prudent for yourself and your children!
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: June 11 2008 at 4:25pm | IP Logged
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Perhaps if you remember to think of you and your husband as being *one* and you already mentioned that he would give handouts.. you don't need to feel guilty over it.. because you and your husband are giving.. it just comes from his hands, not yours.
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insegnante
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| Posted: June 11 2008 at 7:24pm | IP Logged
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I can relate to your doubts. Before marriage and earlier in marriage we used sometimes to attend Sunday Mass at a church in downtown Washington DC. The last time we went there quite some time ago, our younger child was pretty noisy and because the doors between the narthex and the main church didn't close perfectly I felt I had to go outside, as it was an old building without an attached parish hall or anything. There had often been homeless people/beggars outside or on the way to where we sometimes had to park blocks away. This time there was no one else but then a homeless-looking lady started coming toward us from down the block, and the look on her face and the way she seemed to be trying to talk to me from such a distance, just said "not of sound mind" to me. She didn't look angry but I just thought it would be a bad idea to be alone with her and my baby or toddler. I probably had no money on me to give her whether it would "help" or not but there is always this desire to acknowledge their human worth somehow at least, and I felt bad because here I was obviously this churchgoing person probably showing this troubled lady that I wanted to totally avoid her and didn't acknowledge her at all, though it was probably pretty clear I'd seen her (she was still not even close to us for me not to have to yell to say "I'm sorry" or anything.) But it really seemed prudent not to let her get too close to us especially with no one else in sight. So in spite of the threat of his being noisy I quickly took my son back into the narthex for the little that remained of the Mass.
I don't really have doubts about that quick decision -- my little son was entrusted to me to care for specifically in a way she wasn't, and had I been alone my husband and children are still my first priority to be there for. The chance that I could provide some meaningful help to her seemed far outweighed by the need to protect other priorities.
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Red Cardigan
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| Posted: June 11 2008 at 7:45pm | IP Logged
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Nicole, the problem is that when someone approaches asking for a handout, they may be poor--or they might be pretending to be poor in order to rob you or worse, etc.
When we used to go to the Cathedral in our downtown we would sometimes be approached. The scary thing is that we read later that someone was stabbed by a "homeless" person when he didn't give any money.
We can perform all the works of mercy without risking our safety, and prudence dictates that we avoid these dangerous situations.
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SallyT
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| Posted: June 11 2008 at 7:48pm | IP Logged
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My husband also has always done the bulk of -- what's the best way to say it? Familial outreach to the poor, I guess. He has a lot of experience with people in severe crisis (and people in severe self-inflicted crisis which they don't really want delivering from, which is another thing entirely). When I met him he was a Methodist pastor on the staff of a fairly large inner-city church, and his job was essentially doing emergency-services coordination for people who came in off the street. He helped a lot of people -- he used to deliver diapers to mothers in housing projects at night, relying on his clerical collar to keep him from getting shot -- and he also ran into more than a few con artists. To this day he's really good at smelling a scam.
His general MO is to offer to get the person food, or take them to the grocery store, or go with them to pay the lady who braided their hair or whatever it is they say they need money for. Sometimes even if they resist, he'll still take them to get food. He does not generally hand over money. What he's willing to do is kind of risky sometimes, though he's not stupid or naive -- and he would never let me do it. What's just risky for him could be seriously dangerous for me, for all kinds of reasons.
So the kids and I do St. Vincent de Paul projects like Angel Tree and donate money to certain charities as part of our duty to the poor. You don't have to be handing a poor person something in person to be helping them. And sometimes God does put people in your path whom you are able to minister to -- we have had needy neighbors, and once when I was out at night with my husband, we ran into a woman who was asking for money for a bus . . . but she also was wearing a skimpy sundress, the night was chilly, and she was clearly cold. We didn't give her money, but I did give her my sweater. Either she wore it, or she turned around and sold or traded it (if she could) for drug money -- I have no way of knowing. But that was something I could do to address one need she had.
It was a sacrifice (I really liked that sweater), but it was one I could make without placing myself at personal risk. In one way, doing something which places you as a wife and mother in (potentially) harm's way could be exactly the wrong thing to do -- in trying to be noble and giving, if you end up leaving your children motherless . . . well, that seems sort of out of whack in the natural order of things.
So I will agree that you're not doing anything sinful in declining to "help" the person importuning you after Mass. The world is full of need, but everyone can't address every single need. The ones you can respond to will come to you.
Sally
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MrsM
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Nicole, this is an issue that my family has struggled with as well. My dh particularly feels drawn to help the poor. What we have done some might consider "dangerous", but it's worked out well for our family.
We make sack lunches about 2-3 times a month, and give them to homeless people in our town. The kids decorate the paper bags, and we include an index card that they design and write on, along the lines of "We are praying for you!", or "You are cared about!", and a bible verse about God's love. They also make the sandwhiches, bag the chips, wash the fruit, and choose the candy or cookie we put in the bags.
Then my dh takes the oldest four, and they drive around town for an hour or so, to the known areas where homeless people frequent. They offer the lunches (they've never been turned down) and the people are extremely grateful. No bad experiences yet, but my dh has a great deal of street smarts, and uses his best judgement.
Anyway, we've been doing this since December, and it's been a good solution for us--although I know it wouldn't work for everyone--and it's profoundly beautiful to see the way our children think about and talk about serving Jesus through the poor.
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mathmama
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| Posted: June 12 2008 at 6:53am | IP Logged
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I haven't read the other responses so maybe I am repeating someone. We had a man who would target our church. Our church is in the downtown of a good size city and our priest walks to lunch everyday. He is often approached by people. His response is to take the person to lunch, he never gives money to a person on the street who asks. He has modeled this behavior to us for years. So, when this man was targeting our church, the parishoners (us included) tried to give the man food. I was told by one parishoner that he took some of the food offered him and then threw it in the bushes. I specifically bought things at the store to give to this man and he refused it. I believe he is now in jail for drugs  Anyway, my suggestion would be to have some food on hand that you can offer. Things with high nutritional content and high calories that are portable, nuts, granola bars, even those cheese and crackers packages. Offer them, if they take them great! If not, they are probably just looking for money for drugs or alcohol If they mention needing money to take care of a sick child, etc, I would have information available for your local Catholic social services or similar type agency. You could also make monthly monetary donations to such agencies. This way you protect yourself, but yet still make sure that the poor are taken care of. Oh, and you could also tell the person you will pray for him/her!
Beth
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marihalojen
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We occasionally bring canned goods in for the St Joseph food drives at the parish which go to the soup kitchen but I have a tendency to look at the homeless situation down here with a very jaded eye. Homeless people migrate south when the weather gets cold and we have a huge population explosion every winter down here. They are provided with a nice tiki hut homeless center, more soup kitchens than you can shake a stick at and the food is fabulous. Last time my sister (the 18 yo) worked the soup kitchen when she was here, she served stuffed grape leaves during Greek night. She only went once because she kept getting pinched in a place she didn't want to be pinched by the homeless guys and refused to go back if she had to be in direct contact with them.
Even guys are not always safe. This Lent we had a lot of seminarians and college kids down here for a retreat and one of the seminarians was mugged while out trying to distribute food and goods to the homeless. The next day the priest traveling with the college kids was hit. Because this is Key West though, it couldn't be a normal sort of mugging. One of the mayorial candidates decided that we should clothe our homeless population as pirates to make the streets more scenic for the tourists so distributed a large amount of pirate clothing, bandanas and who knows how many tri-hats to the homeless. They had to provide their own machetes.
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Topic: Difficult issue
