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amyable
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| Posted: Oct 07 2005 at 2:44pm | IP Logged
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I may regret posting this - don't want to be known as the freak who hates babies or something  - but I guess I need to know I'm not alone in this.
A few years ago, I finally understood better about the Church's call to be open to life - not just to use NFP in a contraceptive manner. In the past month or so, dh has also seemed to have a change of heart. Before, he was totally happy with our four and ready to be done. (our girls are 4 months, 2, 5, and 7). I had prayed that God bring dh and I to be "of one mind" in this and that whatever dh decided would be God's leading - and this is what happened! Part of me is SO excited that we are moving more into God's will for heroic generosity in regards to being open to a large family.
But a big part of me feels I am TOTALLY unprepared for this. I don't love the baby years, in fact, I'm totally overwhelmed by them. I get PPD, anxiety attacks, and have to go on highly restricted diets due to kids with food allergies and sensitive tummies. I can never figure out how to juggle all their needs, issues, wants...much less cook for 6  I feel like I'm hurting the kids we have every time we have another because I'm out of commission for so long, either physically or mentally/emotionally. 
But yet, we are called! I've heard the saying that God equips the called, but I don't feel like it's actually happening here! 
I don't know anyone else that has continued to have children even though they don't "like it very much." My friends with large families love kids, my friends stressed out by them have stopped at 2. Even online it seems that those with large families loooove the babies and long for more and more. It doesn't help that I'm from a long line of tiny families and my relatives think we are nuts, or just downright stupid. 
Maybe I am just a freak? lol Have any of you felt like this an outgrown it as you stepped out in faith? Anyone still struggling?
Ideas? Reading suggestions? Bueller? Bueller?
__________________
Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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alicegunther
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| Posted: Oct 07 2005 at 3:59pm | IP Logged
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Oh, Amy, don't feel bad in the least. It is overwhelming to think of more when your youngest is only *four months* old! I would put it out of my mind entirely if I were you.
My first four were girls, so we have that blessing in common. Many on this list will have words of wisdom, but the one thing I can say, having had six in rapid succession, is that the baby years go quickly, even if they do bring with them the extra difficulties you describe. In the end though, you will always have those beautiful children to love and enjoy, not only now, but years from now when they are grateful and loving adults!
I will pray for you.
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Love, Alice
mother of seven!
     
Cottage Blessings
Brew yourself a cup of tea, and come for a visit!
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kristina
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| Posted: Oct 08 2005 at 1:45am | IP Logged
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amyable wrote:
Maybe I am just a freak? lol Have any of you felt like this an outgrown it as you stepped out in faith? Anyone still struggling?
Ideas? Reading suggestions? Bueller? Bueller? |
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Amy,
I can totally relate to your post! I feel like I have been on a baby rollercoaster and it is never going to stop!!!!
We were married in 9 years ago (On St. Faustina's Feast Day). We had played by our own rules for the previous 7 years, moving in together at age 20 . Then we decided to move home to be near our parents and "play by the rules." We tossed out the contraceptives and practiced chastity until we were married nearly a year later. Our first child was conceived just five weeks after our wedding. I began the RCIA program at that same time. I became truly repentant of our horribly poor worldly choices and thankfully, so did my husband.
Our our second child was conceived just eight months after the first one was delivered. That child was lost to miscarriage. I went on to conceived our third child just 5 days after the miscarriage! Then it seemed every year and a half we had another baby. Now four boys and a baby girl later, I feel like the ride is slowing down. For the first time, I have a 19month old youngest child while not either expecting or holding a newborn!
I always say that I never asked for even one of these children. They are God's precious gifts to us and they were all thought up by Him. I am so thankful for my sweet babies, as I know you are.. but the very idea of one more is just so overwhelming! We just need to remember that God's grace is sufficient (and abundant!!!). Just as you said:
amyable wrote:
But yet, we are called! I've heard the saying that God equips the called, but I don't feel like it's actually happening here!
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Having four boys then a baby girl has caused so many people to say to me "well, you got your girl, you're done, right?" I think to myself "the nerve of them!!" Then I remember that it is the Holy Spirit that convicts hearts. If our second child had been a girl, I probably would have encouraged my husband to stop there. That is where my heart was.. I had the "TPC" mentality ("two perfect children" - a boy and a girl). I am so thankful for the birth order of my children. I cannot imagine life devoid of the the last three babies! Therefore, I cling to that when I consider future babies that God has thought up for us. Who am I so afraid of? A precious little life that God will supply the necessary graces to train up along with his/her brothers and sister?
Another thought that helps me is noticing how helpful our eldest children have become recently. They are completely on board with welcoming more siblings. I have even asked them if they would prefer more toys or more family and the answer is invariably "FAMILY!"
amyable wrote:
It doesn't help that I'm from a long line of tiny families and my relatives think we are nuts, or just downright stupid. |
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I am sad to admit that I can relate all too well to this comment of yours. We are the freak show of the family, despite the fact that both of dh's parents come from families of five children! They embrace the liberal mentality and seem to be constantly worried sick about the future! What arree wee goiinngg tooooo dooo about collllege? brraces? feeeeeding the family? They do not come out and say it, but I know they think we are irresponsible in regards to being open to life (yes, sadly they are catholic , sigh). I gently remind them that we have a roof over our heads, clothes on our back, food in our tummies and so much more to be thankful for, especially our family and foremost our faith in God, Who always meets our needs in His will.
Amy, God Bless you and your dear family. 
Blessings,
kristina
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Leonie
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| Posted: Oct 08 2005 at 1:57am | IP Logged
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Amy,
I will say a prayer for you. I don't have any words of advice but wanted to reference the Beuller - Ferris Bueller's Day Off? If so, we love thet film.
Oh, and reading Familiaris Consortio may be helpful.
__________________
Leonie in Sydney
Living Without School
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Bookswithtea
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| Posted: Oct 08 2005 at 3:26pm | IP Logged
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Hello Amy,
You mentioned anxiety attacks as one of your pg symptoms. I can relate. :( I have the same problem, and it really does affect the desire to have more, imho. I mean...what does a mom get anxious about??? Pregnancy complications, tornadoes hitting the house when dh is not home, job losses, martians showing up on the front porch...blah blah blah. :-) Well...maybe not the martians, but my dh says some of my anxiety induced fears are comletely irrational.
I have to remind myself when I am pg that Jesus himself said that tomorrow had enough worries of its own.
I don't really have any great suggestions. Dh and I both came from small families, too. Large families just seem foreign to me, even though I love having one. In the end, I fall back on prayer and on dh's leading from the Lord (less prone to anxiety induced fear).
Peace be with you.
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MicheleQ
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| Posted: Oct 09 2005 at 2:41pm | IP Logged
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Dear Amy,
This is such a personal issue and I don't wish to heap any more burdens on you than what you already have. You are most definitely not a freak, but you do sound overwhelmed. In 20 years of having children there are plenty of things I do and don't like. I won't list them here but keep in mind that online most of us put on our best face. That's not because we are insincere but because we want to encourage others and are aiming for the ideal. We don't always reach it but we try. We all struggle, ALL of us. Our struggles aren't all the same but I haven't met a mom yet who doesn't deal with SOMETHING. Now, I WILL tell you that in many ways it does get easier as your children get older and even having babies can be easier because you have more help.
Your children are very young yet and you obviously have had some valid issues. While I don't doubt that the baby years have been difficult for you, I also feel sure that it isn't the babies you don't like but the difficulties that have come with them. You're human and that's only natural. Even so I think you might be getting ahead of yourself. The things you describe are not trifles but you need to remember that you don't know the future. Just because you have had difficulties in the past doesn't mean you will have them in the future (and vise versa!). Additionally, you may want to keep in mind that just because God opens your hearts (yours and dh's) to having a large family, it doesn't necessarily mean that's what you'll get. This is a very personal and private matter between you and your dh. Feeling the call to "heroic generosity in regards to being open to a large family" is WONDERFUL but in certain circumstances may be something that has to be postponed until you handle things without being overwhelmed. You need to stay in prayer with your dh on this issue so that you can both discern what God is calling you to.
Lastly Amy, keep in mind that God isn't asking you if you can handle it all, He's asking you if you are available. Remember Mary's fiat was "let it be done to me". Not "gee Lord I'd like to but I don't think I can handle it."  What the Lord is asking is that you be willing to trust Him.
You are in my prayers.
God bless you!
__________________
Michele Quigley
wife to my prince charming and mom of 10 in Lancaster County, PA USA
http://michelequigley.com
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Rachel May
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| Posted: Oct 26 2005 at 12:38pm | IP Logged
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Amy,
I wanted to put my two cents in since I feel your pain. I'm not a baby person either. When we brought our twins home, my husband and I propped them in baby chairs across the room and read them books. Outside of breastfeeding/diaper changing etc that was most of our interaction for months. We do a lot better now.
Like you, my husband and I have recently moved from NFP to trusting God's plan. We are expecting #6 in the spring. But my pregnancies are aweful at first--usually there are trips to the ER to be rehydrated--and I won't say that I glow after the first trimester. I scream and sleep the first year of the baby's life. I don't have all the problems you've had, but mine are enough to overwhelm me, and I do wonder if I'm really answering God's call or just taking the easy way out by not using NFP.
I've found that the more I go to Adoration (alone if I can swing it, but I take the kids too) and read uplifting books, the easier it is to go along with what God wants. I also find I scream less and respond with grace more.
Here is my short book list:
Life Giving Love by Sam and Bethany Torode
The Bible and Birth Control by Charles Provan
They were both really helpful to my husband especially since they are not Catholic and neither is he. I got them from ccli.org
For myself, I tried REALLY reading Humanae Vitae (was supposed to read it in high school but never did) with the forward by Janet Smith and Kimberly Hahn's Life Giving Love.
That's a very short list, and I would love to see what you or anyone else might suggest.
__________________
Rachel
Thomas and Anthony (10), Maria (8), Charles (6), Cecilia (5), James (3), and Joseph (1)
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amyable
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| Posted: Nov 02 2005 at 12:40pm | IP Logged
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I want to thank you all for your support and prayers. I can tell God has heard them - since writing this post I have felt better about everything. Granted, I am still having times of anxiety about it, but the wisdom is trickling in I feel like am am slowly able to see where the problems are and see what, if anything, I can do, and what I can just suffer through and offer up.
Getting a little more sleep has been helpful. The baby was getting up at 4 AM for the day but in the last few days has slept all the way to 6-6:30  (with nursing half the night of course ) My dh has also expressed more willingness to help with certain things which takes some burden off my shoulders.
I realized it wasn't the hard work I minded as much as being the ONLY one here who was suffering with it while everyone else was living the life of luxury in my mind.
Reading and rereading some of the recent threads on family size has been helpful too!
Thank you to each of you - this forum and you wonderful ladies are such a blessing! It's so nice to have a place to "go" where you know you'll be accepted. (wishing I could transport you all to my town!)
__________________
Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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Bridget
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amyable wrote:
Reading and rereading some of the recent threads on family size has been helpful too!
Thank you to each of you - this forum and you wonderful ladies are such a blessing! It's so nice to have a place to "go" where you know you'll be accepted. (wishing I could transport you all to my town!) |
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I think that is one of the keys; being around like minded people. It's hard to be counter cultural in a vacuum. We need each other.
__________________
God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Called but not loving it?
