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Bookswithtea
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| Posted: Oct 07 2005 at 2:20pm | IP Logged
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for a good socialization opportunity?
My oldest, ds 12, has three sisters after him, and there are few boys in our homeschool group.
Last Spring he was involved with Conquest. The families seemed nice enough and it was just the right mix of sports and focus on God, in an all boy environment for ds. He loved it.
This fall, they had a hard time finding a location to meet (Legionaire activities are not welcome in Catholic parishes in my diocese) and finally settled on a Methodist Church building that is about an hour away, meeting once a week.
We told him that it was just too far and we'd try to find something else. Well, nothing else has materialized. My own church's middle school youth group is focused more on play station and movie get togethers than it is on anything spiritual. Plus, ds is not really into video games and really liked the all boy environment and the focus on sports that Conquest has (boy scouts is out because he hates the badgework).
I'm completely discouraged, and wondering if we should make the extra effort to get him there, despite the long drive and the cost of gas these days. We have 4 other children, aged 9-infant, so it really would be a major difficulty to get him there, especially since its in the evening when everyone is in jammies and tired and ready for bed. Its far enough that when I had to take him (dh works weird hours and is not always home in the evenings) I would have to hang out with all my kids till the meeting was over (nearly 9pm!).
I don't know what to do. I feel terribly divided between my younger children's need to be home and have a quiet peaceful bedtime and my emerging teen who needs to have some all boy time and a break from girls who play house and dolls all day long. He does have class day once a week with the local protestant homeschoolers, which he enjoys, but there isn't a lot of opportunity to make friends there because the classes are pretty traditional. He also has a job on Friday afternoons which is good for him but again, its not a social opportunity.
I am scared as it is about the whole emerging teen thing. I don't know how serious a pre teen's need is to do these kinds of things. I mean, is it a need that the rest of the family needs to suffer for, or is it just a want that he needs to sacrifice for the good of his infant and toddler siblings?
Help!???
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kingvozzo
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Wow, this is tough. I don't really have any advice, but I will pray for wisdom and guidance for your family. That's quite a distance to travel, even if gas were free. If looking into starting your own group is out, maybe you could try to sponsor some spiritually focused activities through the church middle school group?
It's rough juggling the needs of the older kids and the young ones.
God Bless,
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Noreen
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ladybugs
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| Posted: Oct 07 2005 at 9:26pm | IP Logged
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I'm just thowing ideas out here and I am very aware of costs and the needs of little ones but what about using the time to drive to the Conquest meetings as some one-on-one time with your son and get a babysitter for the littles? Could you use part of your tithe $ for your gas and for the expense of a sitter? While your son meet for his gathering you could make a visit?
Just some ideas, fwiw.
God Bless,
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Maria P
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ALmom
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| Posted: Oct 07 2005 at 10:51pm | IP Logged
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Just from experience - the needs of a 12 yo to socialize in a healthy environment is very, very important and can mean the difference between a happily homeschooled highschooler and a miserable one. It may also be a support to your son in resisting later peer pressure to fit in - being able to make friends and connect with people who share your values will strengthen those and does help immunize against negative peer pressure in helping build confidence in the young person. Making the sacrifice now, if at all possible in light of the needs of the rest of the family, would probably be a good thing to do. Those years are so difficult with so many things going on and this support may be just the thing for you and benefit the whole family in the long run even the it will involve significant sacrifices in the short term.
I really do feel for your family - we had the same type of situation but oldest was dd and all the other hs in our area were boys. We had infant,toddlers and other elementary age dd, including a ds who got car sick, so I know that you are talking about very real issues concerning the younger children. This is not an easy juggling act.
The hardest part for our dd was not feeling like there was much chance to really make friends and only seeing the same few hs that she didn't have a lot in common with (they were mostly boys or much younger than herself besides not sharing very many interests). One or two really good friends that she had enough in common with would have really made a difference. There were some really rough years when homeschooling was a miserable experience for her mostly because of this - and she kept begging us to send her to a school - any school. (Not that we haven't done fine since - but if there had been any way to be a part of a group that seemed to meet her needs like this group appears to meet your sons, I would really have tried just about anything to make it work. We have activities for her now - but nothing with the kind of Catholic support you are talking about and still she is a much happier homeschooler. Still without the Catholic support of likeminded friends, I do see how the world has tugged at her).
It sounds like this group has really been a support for your son - providing opportunity for good, male friends and an opportunity for sports - both very important. This being in an environment that reinforces your own faith and values. It's hard to find that and I'm sure you are wrestling with that very real balancing when there is a large family of younger and older children.
Certainly, you will have to weigh the benefits and sacrifices with your dh as only you can fully assess your family situation. Here are just some ideas of ways that might help make it work for the benefit of all:
Perhaps ds could do some extra chore around the house to help cover the cost of gas/sitter so that he can go, especially on the day of the event so there isn't a lot of rushing of the little ones.
Perhaps you could make it a special treat night and make it something special that the other dc look forward to - star gazing?, dessert at McDs?, etc. and then plan on everyone sleeping in extra the next AM.
If you make sure ds knows you really want to do this as this is such a great thing for him - and you are going to try as long as you can make it work with the littles, then he may even have some great ideas - but will also be prepared that it might not happen every single week but as often as you can possibly make it. Maybe make a go of it for at least a month and see if you can settle into a new routine that is acceptable or workable for all.
Especially if ds has been very gracious with the disappointment in not being able to go, I'd really do what I could. If nothing else, the effort (even if it can not continue for very long) will speak very clearly to him about how much you care and listen to his needs.
On nights that dh is home, perhaps he could participate with ds and have some special man to man time while you and youngers got some relief too.
Just some ideas - prayers for guidance and discernment for your family.
Janet
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Leonie
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Of course, it varies from family to family - but I would take his need for socialization as a real need and do the driving. Yes, it might mean a bit of a sacrfice for all but it's only once a week. And I know that other family members see the willingness to go the extra mile for each other and learn from this, thus helping our family culture. I usually turn this sort of thing into an opportunity for me and for the other dc to be together - listenb to music in the car, hang out the library together whil the older one is at the activity, maybe a picnic tea/dinner or a treat from a fast food store while I nurse the babay - that sort of thing.
However, I admit that I am a "go-er" and a "do-er" so this may not suit everyone. 
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Leonie in Sydney
Living Without School
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juliecinci
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Books, the only concern I can think of with friends at an hour's drive away is that once they bond to each other, they want to spend MORE time together, not less. One of the most difficult parts of having a non-driving teen for me has been trying to keep up with relationships that are in the 30-45 minute distance range. It just wasn't possible long term.
Once a week for a meeting feels like you aren't as much a part of the group because you can't hang out during the week. We had this with our older two in their friendships through the Shakespeare theater. These friends are all more than a half an hour in every direction from us and so these friendships never took off (they do IM and email but that isn't the same). We value the Shakespeare experience so we continue to drive them weekly for the play rehearsals and they do see these kids then and they really do love/enjoy each other. But the depth of friendship is limited by distance.
My kids have had to have other sources of friendship for their social needs.
My question would be, is there potential to make friends in your area for your son, period? Can he find people to befriend there? Will there be a group of high schoolers that he can grow up with that will become his bosom buddies?
The homeschooled high schoolers I have in my composition class at our co-op have been together since 4th grade (my daughter is a part of this little band of hs'ed friends). They are 16 and 17 now. They all live between 5 and 20 minutes apart. During my daughter's 13th year, they all wanted to hang out every single night of summer. It was brutal on me for driving.
As they've gotten their licenses, things have been much easier. But I have to say that if these relationships had been any further apart, it would have been impossible with three other kids to care for (my oldest is driving so he wasn't a factor).
Just something to think about. How will your oldest sustain friendships through high school that don't require 60 minutes one way in the car? That's the question I'd be asking.
Julie
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Bookswithtea
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Hi all,
I want to thank you all. There is so much wisdom here. I talked about it with dh and he is reconsidering the whole thing...the drive might just be worth it, as most of you have said. Thank you especially for elaborating on the importance of social activities for this age group. Thats something I just wasn't sure about.
Julie, I hear you about the location issue and the friends made...We had the same problem in our previous hs group because the group covered 3 counties. All of his friends were 45 minutes or more away and there was terrible traffic, to boot. We just made do, because thats what was available.
There are a few opportunities, locally. Probably the best one is being involved in the Protestant Coop, as they are the largest hs group in the area...he's there most of the day including a 1 hr. studyhall/lunch hour so I am hoping he will connect with a friend or two there. There's also one boy exactly his age who is less than 10 minutes away. That's the boy that originally introduced us to Conquest. I don't think they are planning on going this year, because of the distance. Still, its definitely a good longterm friend possibility, one that his mother and I are doing all we can to foster.
I guess I can find some way to make the trip more interesting for the youngers...maybe see if there is a McD's with a playland or something like that, and just plan on getting up late the next day. I hadn't thought of that before.
When dh was home last Spring, he always went with ds and helped the other fathers with the meeting. The program is meant to encourage both male relationships and father/son ones, so they always have a good time on the drive.
There may also be times where I can drop ds off and dh could pick him up on the way home from work which is better than getting home at nearly 10 pm!!
Thanks again. I really appreciate the advice. I'm so grateful to know that there are moms here who have successfully navigated this time period in our children's lives.
Blessings to you all.
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juliecinci
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| Posted: Oct 08 2005 at 3:56pm | IP Logged
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Would the friend's mom reconsider her son's participation in Conquest if she knew youw ere going too? Then you could rotate weeks for driving and they'd have the fun of a local friendship within the group during the rest of the week. Just a thought...
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Julie
Homeschooling five for fourteen years
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Bookswithtea
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I had the same thought. I'm going to call her Monday and see if she is interested in reconsidering, too. :-)
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Kelly
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Say, Books, what was the upshot of your Monday phone call? I've been following this thread in lurk-mode, wanting to hear the varying opinions, as we, too, are in this boat. Although we are blessed with one nice set of friends within spitting distance, all their other friends are a good distance away and socializing requires intense logistical planning. When you add in extracurricular activities, things get really complicated, not to mention, time-consuming. But as you say, how far will you drive?
One of my dds was involved with ballet. The best ballet studio, hands-down, was almost 45 minutes away (without traffic). As much as I loved that studio-I took ballet as a "youth" and in college and knew what made a great studio-I just couldn't make that commitment for fear of it growing into a GREATER time commitment. And if her love of ballet continued, I simply couldn't see my making that trek several more times a week, NOR could I envision turning her loose on the highway (and it's a big interstate) on a regular basis at the tender age of 16. Furthermore, I wasn't so sure that the social input at the studio was so "wondy" that I'd want my dd exposed to that on a regular basis? And then there was the issue of hauling all the rest of the kids to and fro with us. Pros and cons. My old mom used to tell me to make a list of pros and cons and compare them. In this instance, we did, and the cons won. We opted not to continue. Whether it was because of the closer-but-less-fab-studio, or because of a general loss of interest in ballet, dd ultimately did lose interest in dance. Meanwhile, my friend with three daughters, one of whom is dance-crazy, did decide to make the trek. She's still dancing and loving the studio. For them, it has been worthwhile.
There's no moral to the story  I guess, in the end, you just have to look at all the variables, and pray for wisdom.
Kelly in FL
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Bookswithtea
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| Posted: Oct 21 2005 at 7:29am | IP Logged
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Funny you should ask. I just don't understand boys.
...So we signed him up and I took him the first week. The rest of the kids and I shopped at Target and then went to pick him up. He came out of the meeting and I asked him, "So, how was it?" in a cheerful voice and he replied "boring." Huh??????????????????????????
Ever since then, he is dropping hints that he doesn't really want to go back! This is the same kid that stomped off nearly in tears when we told him we weren't going to be able to go.
I talked to him to find out if anyone was mean or if he got picked on...nothing like that. He just said it was boring and when they played sports, no one threw the ball to him. I suggested that perhaps it was just because he isn't well known and he should give it another try. "I guess" was the reply.
Now I'm wondering if I should force him to go for a few more weeks to see if it gets better or just let it go.
Any advice would be appreciated. I am really beginning to get confused about reading him.
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Kelly
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Aaagh! Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water...
Honey, I think I'd throw in the towel and take it as a sign. These boys of ours do like to keep us on our toes! 
Kelly in FL
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ALmom
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Did he have a friend to go with ( a buddy) or did he go alone? That might have been the difference, but who knows. Pray about what to do - as you said it is sometimes hard to read.
I had a dd tell me that she'd like a year off from cello and act pretty happy about it, but I think she may have sensed some financial stress and didn't want it sooo badly, but misses it. Because she wasn't totally nuts about it we still probably would have made the same decision, but sensing that she misses cello, we'd like to work it back in as soon as possible. There may be something like this going on - and it still may be more drive than its worth if he isn't excited about it. Or it could be that most of his buddies haven't come back to the group and it no longer meets his needs. Or the whole flavor of the group and their activities may have changed since you were there last. Or he may just want to take a friend along. Did he ever tell you what was so boring about it?
All of ours that have been teenagers have gone through periods of angst when they feel out of sorts and lack confidence or are mopey. Sometimes they blame something for that - my oldest dd spent a couple of years thinking homeschooling was the source of all her woes. Finding a passion to direct a lot of her energy really helped her through and we can now both look back with a sense of humor at that painful time. Ds (at 12) may be at the beginning of this. Pray a lot for guidance - I think it drives the moms about as nuts as the teen.
Janet
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: How far would you drive...
