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saigemom
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| Posted: May 14 2008 at 11:41am | IP Logged
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My youngest ds was adopted at 4. He has come a long way emotionally: He can identify emotions he has, can voice those emotions, has attached well, expresses love easily,....BUT he has no/little empathy. He could care less if someone around him gets hurt or if he hurts someone. He doesn't ask if they are okay. He doesn't even show concern. He'll just walk away or if he did it he'll immediately start saying it was an accident or the other person's fault. Has anyone else experienced this w/ their child (adopted or not)? If so, how did you deal with it?
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: May 14 2008 at 2:02pm | IP Logged
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Might it be age? Mine were like this too at this age. I tried to make them aware of what happened and the other person and their feelings, etc. Not high pressure--though I wanted to get it through to them and quickly, it was embarrassing for me at the playground 
I also think the kid might be embarrassed and not want to admit they have done something wrong.
It took years but ds, 10, is finally somewhat empathetic. Dd who is 5 seems to be getting it quicker. A girl thing?
Might it be example or genetics? My dh has no idea of empathy and being aware of other peoples feelings. I mean, he does OK in life but he could be more aware.
I say keep doing what you are doing and be patient. I will be back for more ideas for myself.
Anne
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mom3aut1not
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| Posted: May 14 2008 at 2:18pm | IP Logged
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I think I read in Gender Matters (a fascinating read except for a couple of chapters) that boys develop this sort of thinking later than girls and don't express concern in the same way as girls do either.
In Christ,
Deborah
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Erin
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| Posted: May 14 2008 at 4:55pm | IP Logged
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I went through this a bit with some of my dc. Once I realised what was happening  I started making them go back to the hurt child and touching them for comfort and waiting until they had stopped crying. It took time and I had to be on the ball and consistent but finally maturity hit and I am noticing more empathy now without prompting.
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saigemom
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| Posted: May 15 2008 at 6:47am | IP Logged
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Erin-Thanks. I hadn't thought to make him stay and care for the child until the crying was over.
mom2mpr-He is almost 6 now. Were yours still doing it by then?
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saigemom
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| Posted: May 15 2008 at 6:50am | IP Logged
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Deborah-
What is Gender Matters? Do you think it would be worth a read for this issue or was it just a small piece of info. on this topic?
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: May 15 2008 at 7:20am | IP Logged
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Erin,
Ds who is now 10(!) is finally "getting it." Things have slowly been getting better. So, at 6, yes, he still wasn't "with the program." 
Dd, who is 5 now, seems to be ahead of him and developing empathy. I think she has got it and is going to be easier in this issue. The one thing that is making her easier to raise than her brother-'cause she is giving me a run for my money.......
Anne
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mom3aut1not
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| Posted: May 15 2008 at 9:40am | IP Logged
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Saigemom,
I definitely think it's worth a read. The book is about the physiological and other differences between boy/mens and girls/women. There was a lot of information I had not read before. The only caveat is that he is *not* Christian in outlook and has some positions on sexual maters that don't jibe with Catholic teaching -- to put it mildly.. However, the information that comes from research rather than the author's beliefs is fascinating. It's also important for me to read this as I have only one son; he's *not* a girl, and I need to incorporate that understanding into my mothering.
In Christ,
Deborah
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LucyP
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| Posted: May 15 2008 at 10:28am | IP Logged
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Our children are adopted and the lack of empathy is often seen as part of an attachment related issue, is it not? I think it is due to poor nurtute in the first year as well as trauma. Our is son 4, adopted at 18mo: he has issues with empathy and sounds like your son.
How you go about working with it, I'm not sure. Part of the reading I have done suggests that if a child hasn't got the right hard wiring due to not having normal brain development and lacks the "soft ware" from having empathy shown as an infant, then expecting them to be empathetic is asking the impossible. I think it takes a lot of work and time, and we are just starting on that journey of therapy etc. That is a bit of a counsel of despair I guess and God is at work in our children :o) I will remember you and your son in my prayers. St Thomas More pray for us.
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saigemom
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Lucy P,
Yes, I do think that it has to do with lack of early nurturing. I know his mental/emotional growth has always been behind. We're in therapy with him now and he has grown a lot in these areas. I was just looking for more things to try.
Our therapist actually told us that it's very good for him that we homeschool. She sees it as a way for him to get that mothering/nurturing that he missed out on in early life. So, I hope that encourages you as much as it did me.
Yours in Christ,
Saigemom
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saigemom
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| Posted: May 15 2008 at 11:19am | IP Logged
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Deborah,
thanks for the book info. I'll have to see if our library has that.
Yours in Christ,
Saigemom
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LucyP
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| Posted: May 15 2008 at 1:55pm | IP Logged
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Dear Saigemom, I'm so glad you are getting support with the home ed. It was a no brainer to us that home ed was a best choice for our son but we were pretty anxious about how social services would react. Turns out that, in the short term at least, it is a no brainer to them too! But, I don't know how you find it - this sounds horrible, but sometimes with all the adoption/attachment related behaviour I would find it easier having him in school - I know it wouldn't help longer term for his development so I resist the temptation, but it is there. He can be an unrewarding child to parent which makes all the good attachment/nurturing stuff harder to sustain. I wonder how mothers of children with attachment problems cope when we are with them 24/7 - literally for me as the children sleep in the same bed as me too?
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Vanna
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I am no expert in this field but both of my boys show a lot of empathy for people. I don't know if it's just their personalities or something we've done. We are a very physically affectionate family. We hug and kiss and cuddle all the time. I babysit my 4 year old twin nephews and they are not empathetic...at all...it may be the age but it may be that they are not a physically affectionate family. I don't know but if I were you I would try upping the hugs, kisses, etc...model empathy for him in as many situations as you can find. If you are watching a video where someone gets their feelings hurt or falls down, you might say, "Oh no! He's feeling sad...that makes me feel sad for him." or something like that.
((hugs))
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chrisv664
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This is funny because just last night I was reading to my 4 yo dd and 7yo ds and in a nutshell one of the characters in the book (the school principal) was being treated poorly by the children in his class. My daughter gets thoughtful and then says "I feel so bad for him. The kids are being mean. Do you think his feelings are hurt?" I thought , wow, empathy in a four-r-year-old,cool. As I thought about it, I think I concluded that it might be a new stage of social development she is entering... maybe I read that in a college psych text somewhere along the way!
Anyway, I do think that using books that you read together and discuss can be a way of building this character trait. It is nonthreatening to your child to point out what a chacter in a book could do better/differently. Ask alot of questions about the feelings of the characters in the book, and especially use books that have expressive illustrations that you can interpret together. Hope this helps.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: How do you help a child develop empathy?
