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Anonymous
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| Posted: April 07 2008 at 10:17pm | IP Logged
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Recenty I was in a terrible situation and desperatley needed to talk to someone for help. I called our priest. After listening to all the prompts on the message, I was tranferred directly to him. This was in the evening, so not "normal" business hours. First, I had to describe myself to him. This was quite a blow to me, because I thought he knew me and my family, and he had always acted like he did. Then, without asking what was wrong (it was obvious I was crying), or why I needed to talk, he said "I don't think this is a good time for you to talk to me. Please call in the morning." Nothing more.
I said I would, but when I hung up I knew I wouldn't (and I didn't). I just sat in my car and cried. I was devastated. At mass this weekend I found myself feeling bitter towards him and had trouble even listening to him. I am ashamed of those feelings, because I know that I am not at mass for the priest but for Jesus.
This is completely foreign to me. At our old parish it was understood that you could call Fr. anytime and he would be there for you. He was a friend as well as a spiritual leader. This is our second try here, and I am, quite frankly, discouraged. It made me understand why people leave the church when they are hurting. I have no intention of leaving, but am so sad--I just don't know what to do.
So, I am asking, what do you make of this and what would you do?
Anonymous for now
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folklaur
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| Posted: April 07 2008 at 10:45pm | IP Logged
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I am so sorry! I feel so badly for you!!!
Unfortunately, I have never been in a parish in my adult life where we could just call the Priest and actually get to talk to him. Even during business hours. 
If you were used to having that type of Priest in a former parish, I can see where it would be terribly hard to not have that closeness/contact.
I am shocked that if you were already talking to him, and he could tell you were upset, that he treated you that way. 
I have no advice, but you have my prayers....
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Red Cardigan
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| Posted: April 07 2008 at 11:38pm | IP Logged
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Anonymous, I will pray for you. This is very hard to deal with.
Perhaps you could talk about this with him in confession sometime? It's sometimes easier to say something anonymously, and confession can be anonymous.
Here's something I've been trying to remember in a similar situation. Not all priests are good at being "Fathers." All of them are ordained, all can give us the sacraments, all have at least some strength or gift which can help the Church if they develop it properly--but not all of them are kind people, good at understanding, or even capable of being warm and caring human beings.
If that seems shocking to think about, consider our own vocations. All of us are mothers, but some of us at some times are better at being a "mommy" in some areas and not so good in others. The same is true for our husbands--some of them are kind fun funny daddies, and others are better at being role models but not always good at being the kind of dad who understands and nurtures.
Because we love God and want to serve Him, we work at the areas we're not naturally "good" at. The mother who can't stand mess learns to tolerate fingerpaints and joyful clutter for the sake of her children; the father who is naturally more reserved learns to enjoy time spent with bouncy, vivacious toddlers who cling to him and want him to play.
Priests are "Fathers" in a different sense, but just like regular fathers some of them are naturally good at caring and nurturing interactions with their parishioners, and some of them, who may be excellent preachers or administrators or good at some other aspect of ministry, struggle constantly with their deficiencies in just "being there" for suffering or troubled parish members. Many of them do know this and do work at it, but sadly, some of them don't, just like some fathers never really try to get to know their kids, or always insist on strict rules in such a way that they stifle their children's young spirits.
If there isn't another parish in your area, I would try to find some other person to be your source of spiritual direction and nourishment--perhaps there is a good religious community or something like that. You can pray for your pastor, and can try to talk to him, but if he still seems cold or distant I think your relationship with him will have to be extremely limited, for your own spiritual peace of mind.
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lapazfarm
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| Posted: April 08 2008 at 12:11am | IP Logged
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Wow. This is so sad, and very unlike anything I have ever experienced with a priest before. Unlike Laura, I've never been in a parish where you couldn't talk to your priest--at just about any hour.
I will pray for you that you find the spiritual direction you need. And for your priest as well, that he be more responsive to the needs of his parishioners.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: April 08 2008 at 1:06am | IP Logged
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Just as something to consider..
Might he have been talking with someone else at that point.. and legitimately couldn't councel two people at the same time type of thing?
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-Sir Walter Scott
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Leonie
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| Posted: April 08 2008 at 1:46am | IP Logged
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Hugs! 
I am with Jodie - I think we need to give this priest the benefit of the doubt. He may have had something else going on, he may have felt extremely tired and that his counsel would not be wisely given at that time, he may have felt it best for you to sleep on this issue and talk in the morning.
I know you feel hurt, but I also know that priests are human, too and I find it helps me if I assume the best.
Maybe make an apointment to talk to Father about your concerns, and about the original issue. Or use the Confessional to talk, if you would prefer to remain anonymous.
Prayers for you.
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SusanJ
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| Posted: April 08 2008 at 4:55am | IP Logged
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As for the priest not knowing you over the phone--I have known many wonderful and holy priests who would not be able to put a face with a name over the phone. Especially if your are new or he is new or if the parish is big. I think priests cultivate the art of acting like they know their parishoners well in person, and I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with this. I know that it's a real cross for many priests to be so bad with names and such. He might have instantly known you if you'd arrived at the rectory door.
Susan
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guitarnan
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| Posted: April 08 2008 at 5:40am | IP Logged
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It has taken my pastor 1 1/2 years to connect a name (first name) to my face. First he connected me to my dh's name (dh is a cantor); then he attached my own name to my face. I am sure he doesn't know my last name. If I called him I would probably not only have to describe myself, but also dh, before he would know for sure who I was. Now, our parish is huge (1200 families); in our last parish, our pastor knew everyone AND everyone in town, even non-Catholics. He has a real gift for remembering people, though.
Another thing that happened to me recently was being told in Confession by a (young) priest that he didn't feel equipped to give me much direction on marital issues because he isn't married. (I get that. I really appreciated his honesty, although I was astonished by his blunt statement.) I think this is a good example of what Red Cardigan said in her post. Pastoral care is not easy for every priest.
Perhaps your priest is one of those men who can't handle tears well. I am married to someone like that, and it can be very frustrating - of course, I cry easily. It may be that he has developed ways to help people who are crying in person - at Confession, perhaps - but hasn't figured out how to do this when he is on the phone.
Still, I know your feelings, already so fragile at the time you called your priest, were hurt. I hope you have found other steps to take toward resolving the problem that prompted your call in the first place.
I agree with Red and Leonie; there are a couple of different ways you can handle your relationship with this priest and work through your reaction to his brusque response. Please know you're doing it with my prayers behind you. (And a few {{{hugs}}} across cyberspace, too.)
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LucyP
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| Posted: April 08 2008 at 8:57am | IP Logged
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I am so sorry you are hurting. It can be so hard to get up the courage to actually make a call to reach out for help and a reaction that shocks you can be so brutal to shredded nerves.
I wonder if he was thinking that in your grief you needed to throw yourself at Jesus' feet and talk to him when you were calmer? Perhaps in some way it was crossed wires - or as Nancy and Red Cardigan suggested it just is not an area he is "good" at.
I don't know how we would speak to a priest in similar circumstances - we phone, leave a message and then they get back to you at some stage.
I said a prayer for you.
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LisaR
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| Posted: April 08 2008 at 9:13am | IP Logged
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I am SO SORRY that this happened. he might very well have been trying to conceal you from someone with whom he was having an IRL meeting, etc. Priests are just like "normal peorple", some have much better relationship skills than others, etc. I'm wondering if there is a religious order of Priests, Brothers, or even sisters nearby? Diocescan Priests, often are caught up in the "business" end of running a parish, but over the years we have found religious (living in community, not attached to a "parish") order Priests to make wonderful confessors, prayer intercessors, etc.
praying for you,
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Nina
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| Posted: April 08 2008 at 12:38pm | IP Logged
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I agree with Nancy,he might not be someone who can handle tears well.He might also wanted to give you more time to sort out your feeling,especially if the problem was very recent.You might make an appointment with him or just talk to another priest.
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organiclilac
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I am sorry that you had this experience. I was once brushed off by a priest who I later found out was trying to talk to someone who was contemplating suicide. He just didn't have time to be polite to me. Perhaps something similar was going on. I hope that you are able to get the help you need.
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nissag
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| Posted: April 08 2008 at 1:51pm | IP Logged
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I'm so sorry. I can really feel your hurt. I agree with some of what has already been said.
I would really recommend seeing if you get yourself a spiritual director. Your diocese can recommend people in your area to contact. Your SD can be more available to you than a busy parish priest. SDs are priests, deacons, sisters or laity - all are specially trained and very learned in doctrine. You can choose the one that you are most comfortable with.
When my husband entered the diaconate program, we were advised to get SDs straight away. I think that every adult Catholic should have one. They are a wonderful resource for helping us grow spiritually and supporting us through hard times.
Prayers for you!
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CAgirl4God
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| Posted: April 08 2008 at 2:16pm | IP Logged
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all the ladies here have said wonderful wise things.
just wanted to let you know that yes this has happened to me not once but twice! lol two different priests.
once I called and the priest (who our family was very close with) answered in such a gruff manner that I actually hung up on him. he scared me from wanting to share with him lol.
the second couldn't be bothered at that time... it wasn't business hours... he wanted me to call back during business hours. another LOL. I thought priests were always on duty ??? lol
(((hugs))) I am so sorry you are hurting and feeling abandoned by your priest.
I recommend calling a nearby parish and asking to speak with a priest there...
then let your relationship with your priest heal as your feelings do.
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Question about priest's response
