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domchurch3
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| Posted: April 04 2008 at 8:47pm | IP Logged
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My husband and I are discerning the call to adopt, or wondering if we should begin seriously discerning. We have not been able to have more children since our only daughter was born 5 years ago. I always dreamed of a big family and it seems our dream is slowly dying with each child we lose through miscarriage. A friend who adopted three boys went to an adoption conference where they stressed that you should not adopt just to add numbers to your family. You should see it as a ministry. So the first thing we have to do is decide if we are being called to minister or if what we are doing is a knee-jerk reaction to our losses, does that make sense? A part of me feels we need to be completely content to have the one child we have before discerning the call to adopt. Also, sometimes I think, "Well, we need to have everything right, everything in our family needs to be perfect before we think of bringing an adopted child to our home" but my husband is quick to point out that even people who are able to bring a child naturally into the home don't wait until things are "perfect". Then we have to think about the child we do have. Anyways, I can go on and on. I was wondering if anyone here has gone through infertility and then adoption. Has anyone blogged about this? Do you have any advice? The options out there seem overwhelming.
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: April 04 2008 at 11:32pm | IP Logged
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I completely identify with your questions. Our family is currently in the process of getting licensed to foster-to-adopt. I'm no expert by any stretch but here's what I have experienced so far. There are a ton of *experts* in fostering and adoption that can make this all feel so undoable (sort of like the folks who make homeschooling seem undoable.) I feel that the *you shouldn't adopt just to add numbers to your family* caution is inflated. If God has put the desire into our hearts to have more children, it is possible that we just didn't know up front that some of our children were intended to come to us through adoption. Yes, we need to let ourselves grieve our losses but that doesn't mean that we are to have only grief...we can have hope at the same time of welcoming another member into our family. I do see what our family is preparing to do as a ministry, especially with the fostering option. I am still open to having another baby of our own and am grieving our loss through miscarriage last June but this is no knee-jerk reaction. It has been on our hearts for years. I don't think it is necessary to completely accept having one child (or four in my case) because the tug in my heart of unacceptance just might be the way God is calling me to look into fostering/adoption. Each day I just need to work at accepting God's will for me today (and I do so love my children and abundant life) as I try discern his will for me tomorrow. As for being perfect...ain't happening here anytime soon! Yet, it is prudent to get our ducks in line as much as possible.
Here's what a friend advised me when I had very similar questions to yours a few months ago. She said to take steps to begin the adoption process and discern through it rather than trying to figure everything out before starting the process. That has really worked for us. Also, this process can really drag on and on so there is no fear of things moving too quickly and being swooped into something you are not ready for.
I look forward to reading the experiences of others here. You may also want to search the archives for other topics on adoption as you are discerning God's will for you. I'm praying for you!
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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LucyP
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| Posted: April 05 2008 at 2:59am | IP Logged
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I'm 100% infertile - never any hope. We always knew if we'd have children, they would be adopted. I agree that one's own motivation is very important - I get uncomfortable around the notion of "I want a big family so I'll adopt lots" or "ah! cute babies, I'll rescue one". But if I had a fertile body I doubt we would have considered adoption. That said, the overwhelming love I feel for my children makes me now rejoice in my infertility since I couldn't bear to imagine not being mama to these children out of all the children in the world.
I've found that adopting doesn't meet my need to have babies of my own body - but that loss is something I can offer up and I do enjoy the children God has given me 100% as their own little people, not as a solution to my losses or problems. A couple of people told me, especially after we adopted a 6mo, that it would help "heal me" of infertility pain, but my children are more than band-aids and I'm sure you feel the same.
Part of me had held onto the whole "this will make up for things" thought and as the problems and issues of adoption become more manifest in our children, that made the struggle harder - almost as if I was telling God that infertility was cross enough and I couldn't have attachment issues to deal with too!
What we did with our 2nd adoption was lay it in God's hands - we pushed at doors and asked Him to slam them shut if that was His will. So we see our miracle baby girl (baby adoption is very very very rare here) as His answer to prayer, and then that all the complications etc are just gifts from His hand for our good. So maybe you could start the process and leave it in God's hand to direct.
You can't wait until things are perfect - although I know what you mean. We have been so cross about people implying that we should not have either of our children for various reasons - God will send you the child/ren He desires and He WILL equip you for the task of being their parents.
Thinking about your daughter - likely she has a good attachment with you and is developmentally on track. Our son is 4, functions emotionally younger and probably intellectually younger as well, and has issues around attachment. Adopting a sibling - he was desperate for her and loves her a lot - has been very hard on him. Maybe because she was so young and needed very different care from him - he has hated to see how much physical contact she needs and gets. The way we see it is that you get the chance to love your existing child and the new child so much more - I feel closer to my son since adopting our daughter because I am so much more mindful of how much I am with him.
I'm excited for you! And will pray for you all too.
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Waverley
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| Posted: April 07 2008 at 1:41pm | IP Logged
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You have gotten 2 very good responses.
I agree with Lucy that you should examine your reasons for adopting - but not in a way where you label your reasons as bad or good. Knowing your motivation and your limits will help you determine whether adoption is right for you and what kind of adoption you wish to undertake. For example, I think you are being honest about your difficulty carrying a child to term. Prayerfully discerning whether you would be able to parent a child and then send the child home with a birth parent is important and the answer will help you decide which adoption option is best for your family.
One of my favorite books on adoption in general is Adam Pertman's book Adoption Nation. It does a good job of explaining the history of adoption, the participants in an adoption, and the different paths to adoption.
Dh and I are foster parents. We have 2 living biological children, have adopted 2 of our foster children, and are in the process of adoping our current foster child. We have also send a child home with a birth parent after parenting that child for a year. I would be happy to talk with about our experiences.
Good luck to you and I hope you find a path that is best for your family.
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Teakafrog
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| Posted: April 08 2008 at 11:21am | IP Logged
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If God is putting the desire to adopt in your heart, then it's probably what He wants you to do. What I suggest is just starting the process. If He wants it to be, He will open doors for you. If it's not the right time, those doors will stay closed.
We had said we wanted to adopt 'someday' for years. Then we ended up in the same situation as you--one biological child and unable to have more. When he was 8, things started happening. We heard from a family member that there may be a baby needing a home, and they thought of us--even though we had not spoken about our plan to adopt with anyone! So we started. We began the homestudy, started working through the steps. We didn't get that baby. But we did end up getting our DD. She has been the best thing that ever happened to our family. God just put us in the right place at the right time for it to work out perfectly. He does that sometimes.  Trust Him. Pray, a lot, and listen to Him. Don't let other people discourage you from what God may be calling you do to.
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domchurch3
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| Posted: April 08 2008 at 8:53pm | IP Logged
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Thank y'all for your wonderful responses. I had my husband read them and they were very beneficial. We're going to go through the process of foster/adopting through the state. We realize that our discernment process needs to be informed by educating ourselves. It really takes a big leap of faith to step into the world of adoption, doesn't it? You have to have faith that God is invested in this decision and He will open and shut the doors that he deems necessary.
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Lisa R
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| Posted: April 09 2008 at 4:49pm | IP Logged
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Both of our daughters are adopted. We feel blessed beyond belief!! I agree with everything Angie has posted. Great advice!
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God Bless!
Lisa, married to my best friend, Ray and loving my blessings Joshua (17)and Jacob(15), Hannah(7) and Rachel (5)!Holy Family Academy
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LucyP
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| Posted: April 10 2008 at 2:31am | IP Logged
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Dom Church - I am so excited for you. May God bless your journey.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Discerning the call to Adopt
