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LucyP
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| Posted: Jan 28 2008 at 3:05am | IP Logged
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My mum recently gave us a huge bag of clothes she bought the children on sale from a clothing store she saw when she was at work. My heart just sank as she excitedly described her bargains! She dropped it all off and dh and I went through the bag. There was one little cherry red plaid pinny and top set for our daughter which we liked. We like nothing she bought for our son - which included items we have specifically said we don't want for him ie Bob the Builder themed clothes. The styles and colours are all wrong for our son.
She knows we have a preference for fewer clothes of better quality for our children, and that we like natural materials, no slogans, no characters, traditional styling, dresses for our daughter. My parents think we are cruel not to put baby girl in trousers and not to do bright colours and cartoon character clothing, and whatever we say is ignored. When Mum offered to buy ds pjs, I said thanks and just asked for no character pjs - well, she gave him Bob the builder with matching slippers. At Christmas I asked for no more soft toys and two huge teddies joined the family.
Dh says to just put the clothes for the charity shop, but I feel that maybe I should ask Mum if she wants to return them, as there is even on deep sale discount $60 worth of clothing...
What would you do? I try to flag up the things we need for the children - all baby girl needs right now are some 9-12 months sleepers; ds needed a pair of new brown or navy cords but we had to buy them.
Would it be really rude to print up a list for Mum of their sizes (for example, dd wears real nappies and needs bigger tights, sleepers; ds wears real nappies at night and needs bigger pjs), and include there some of our favourite colours etc. To keep things simple, we dress ds in blues and browns, with the odd accent of red and lots of natural whites and creams. So orange and aqua (the colours Mum keeps buying) just don't "go".
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SusanJ
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| Posted: Jan 28 2008 at 8:18am | IP Logged
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Lucy,
I feel for you as we have a similar problem with my family. They live hours and hours away from us so if things go straight to charity it's no big deal. We are blessed that we get so many hand-me-downs and my sister has great taste and visits us all the time, so we aren't usually in need. Sometimes I try to find one or two things--or one component of an outfit and talk it up or send a picture of the kids wearing it.
I think partly here you should consider your mum's attitude in giving these things. Is she trying to be pointed and undermine your wishes for your child? It's hard to tell from your e-mail if she's trying to force her own ideas or if she's just not into listening to your desires. If its the former I would have a straight talk with her and then be charitable but consistent about things. If its the latter . . . well, a gift is a gift. I know how much of a pain it is to have bags and bags that have to be sorted and taken out to charity. But try to use the stuff and be nice about it. It's not worth ruining a relationship over.
God Bless,
Susan
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Mary G
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| Posted: Jan 28 2008 at 8:23am | IP Logged
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Been there, done that Lucy! I KNOW exactly what you're talking about. I'd thank your mom and let her know that of all the wonderful clothes there are just a few that you and dh consider appropriate for the children. Would she like to take them back or prefer that you donate them?
I have a MIL who LOVES garage sales and bargain shopping -- she lives in Atlanta so when she sends the kids stuff, dh and I go through it all first and some goes right in a charity bag and others the kids may have. But then it's a long-distance, not super close relation (she's my first husband's (he died many years ago) mom), so it is a bit easier for me. But we did use to live just down the street from her  !
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Martha
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| Posted: Jan 28 2008 at 9:14am | IP Logged
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hmmm....
I don't think it matters why she bought what she did.
A gift is a gift.
You've expressed your opinion and it seems they've expressed theirs in disagreement.
If you truely need it, well one must use what one is given as long as it isn't immoral in some way.
If you don't truely need it, then simply get what you want yourself.
Basic rule: If it was a b-day or x-mas gift or from anyone else less family - what would you do? If you wouldn't do it with a stranger or someone less close to the family, then surely your mil deserves equal, if not greater care, in such dealings?
My mil is getting better because she noticed that if it's against what we need or feel is appropriate, we simply won't keep it - we donate it. So if she wants us to truely have what we need/want, rather than wanting to give us what she wants us to have - she starts to listen better.
She used to drive us nuts because she'd ask for a list and then I do declare that woman would go out of her way to get the opposite of what was on that list.  We'd just say thank you and set it aside to donate. She caught on after never seeing the stuff around that she was wasting her own money by being that way. Oh and I go out of my way to let her know when she's hit jack pot on a great gift, however small.
It took my forever to be at peace with this because I REALLY hate to see someone waste money, esp on us. My dh said if we can afford to do without the item, then that's a blessing to enjoy and if we can't then we have to have the humilty to accept the blessing as it arrives too. Anythng beyond that in dealing with a gift seems to just cause more hurt to both parties than help for the situation. 
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chicken lady
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| Posted: Jan 28 2008 at 10:12am | IP Logged
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Oh dear Lucy, I am with Mary G, been there done that WAY to often,with one SIL who is SUPER generous! Unfortunatly she has VERY different taste in clothing. It was so uncomfortable for me for many years. I use to return the items and get the girls things they needed with the money. I think she caught on, now before each holiday and b-day she asks me what they need/want. I never wanted to be rude or ungrateful so I choose to handle it without involving her. She simply did not get it!
I think discretion and charity above all else. Try to not make it a moral issue. I mean some people do think polyester is OK   I am a natural fiber fan as well
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juststartn
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| Posted: Jan 28 2008 at 11:13am | IP Logged
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Oh, count me in on this one!!!!!
I'm not going to get going down my long list of frustrations--it won't do anyone here any good and it certainly won't help my mood today, lol--but just know that you are SO not alone. I do the discreet (since we live two states away from my parents, and one from my closest sister) give it to charity thing (altho, and I confess, there are times I think "should I even give this to charity? Would I want to see someone else's dd/ds wearing this "thing"???"
SIGH
And lots of hugs...
Rachel
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SusanJ
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| Posted: Jan 28 2008 at 1:17pm | IP Logged
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Oh, yeah, Lucy if you know where the clothes were bought could you just return them yourself and get things you could use for the kids? That does seem like the best option if it isn't too much hassle for you. A gift is a gift. Martha expressed my thoughts more clearly (probably shouldn't be on the forum pre-coffee). Say thank-you and do what you will and have one less thing to feel guilty about!
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LucyP
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| Posted: Jan 28 2008 at 1:37pm | IP Logged
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Thank you for your replies ladies. I guess yes, it seems such a petty thing - to be discouraged because we are given things we don't like. And lol, we do have our share of polyester because well, life's like that. Nothing Mum has given us has been objectionable or immoral (like s*xy clothes for little girls etc).
For me it is more that I feel so judged. If dh and I just like seeing our little girl in dresses or skirts like mama, that is wrong. If we like to see our son and not some garish [in our eyes] character t-shirt, that is wrong. Every little thing I do is wrong. Even, and I kid you not, the fact that I prefer to walk on a shady side of the street in the height of summer to avoid sunburn and squinting my eyes is evidence of my pessimistic mood and a bad example to my children. The fact that I didn't like a skirt my mother-in-law gave me was, in reality because I only have 3 other skirts and about 6 tops and this skirt just didn't go with anything - but to my mother it was a sign that I can't tolerate colour because I am so dull and force my dullness on the world.
Sigh.
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folklaur
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| Posted: Jan 28 2008 at 2:24pm | IP Logged
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Oh, Lucy 
So, really, it sounds like the issue for you isn't the clothes, is it? It is all these other emotions that are attached to the clothes...
I know exactly what you are talking about. Try not to let it bother you (easier said...).
big hugs!
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stefoodie
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| Posted: Jan 28 2008 at 2:52pm | IP Logged
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Lucy, you've already got good advice but I'd like to add a few more that has worked for us and that just might work for you too.
If it's the material of the clothing, e.g., we're ultra-sensitive to synthetic fabric, then I simply won't let the kids wear them. If the giver asks, I say matter- of-factly, but gently (a bit apologetically but not too much, after all sensitivity/allergies can't be helped), that it irritated their skin. I find that it does pay to be honest as long as it's done in a gentle manner. My mom, for instance, always makes it a point now to find us all cotton stuff. When she went to China she bought us a silk comforter and pillows because she heard that they work for people with allergies. What this does is give the person a chance to do things right. And then she's rewarded with the greater pleasure of having ALL her gifts appreciated.
Re cartoon characters, etc. -- if it's not offensive, e.g., rude language, we keep the clothes. Have the giver SEE the kids wearing them at least ONE time, so they can have the pleasure of seeing their gift being used. I find that most people are astute enough to notice OUR taste in clothes, and they'll go out of their way to give something they know we'll like. Others are so focused on THEIR giving that they don't really pay attention to how their gifts are received. In which case I just chalk it up to their being well-intentioned. After the requisite once-or-twice wearing/using, I let the kids wear them for playing or as sleepclothes. That way they don't go to waste, and the kids are always reminded that they're blessed to have such generous relatives/friends. AND THEN we make it a point to tell the children that WE don't buy these things. i.e., they've been given Disney character clothes and they're happy to have the one or two pieces that were gifts, but if they ask to buy Disney clothes at the store, we simply say no and steer them towards our own choices. Usually they find something that we both can agree on.
One other thing that helps me is keeping in mind other kids I know that DON'T receive gifts from Grandma or other loved ones -- the ones that don't really look forward to Christmas or birthdays because they know they're not going to get much (not that that's the point of Christmas, but YKWIM). It helps me see just how truly blessed my children are to have so many people caring for them. And it also inspires them to generosity and thoughtfulness. (This also helps when shopping with the kids, we ask them for their opinion as to what to give this and that person, and really try to involve them in the decision-making process, that way when they are doing their own shopping one day, they know that they're not supposed to just shop indiscriminately -- that it would be good to take the other person's tastes into account as well. We do the same when MAKING gifts instead of buying.)
my .02,
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marihalojen
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| Posted: Jan 30 2008 at 12:33pm | IP Logged
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Make them into something else. I'm always cutting the tops off dresses to make skirts and the top on girls dresses is usually where the character is. Put patches on the pockets over whatever is objectionable there (pockets seem to get detailing too). A couple of buttons and a tad of rickrack and it looks entirely different! Make play aprons by slicing up the skirt and adding a ribbon tie.
Boys clothing I have never had to deal with but it seems as if the characters are much more all over it. Shirts can be appliqued over - like a green dinosaur with a button eye over the main character picture (or shapes - squares/rectangles are easy sewing - if you are opposed to all characters). If you can't stand to have him wear it at at all (under clothes or sweaters?) chop it up and make a quilt out of every last Bob the Builder piece of clothing you can find. If you have enough, make a matching flounce for the window of his room. Add in your neutral brown to extend the fabric.
What do you have to lose? You want to throw them out anyway, right? Look at it as a windfall of material for all those craft projects you've been wanting to do!
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hopalenik
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Thank you for asking this question and for all the useful responses. I have the exact same problem. My parents have money and I am an only child so my Mom goes nuts buying 5 outfits a kid for Christmas, birthdays and Easter. She actually implied that she didn't want me to have anymore kids because it would jack up her clothing budget. I keep replying by pointing out the girls closet-4 girls in one closet and one room. My younger three girls need nothing but a few clean white or pink shirts at the beginning of each season but she goes crazy. When she comes to visit, she promptly goes into their closet to look for each item of clothing that she has purchased. I have taken to unwrapping every Christmas present and Birthday present that she buys before hand and donating or reselling the items before the kids ever see them. But she caught on to that so she goes through the litany of how did you like each item at Christmas and Birthdays. I asked one year if she would purchase the Land's End dresses but she replied that her SEars did not sell them and that she did not know how to get a catalog. Which turned out to be a lie because she shipped our Christmas presents in a huge Lands' End box but and all of the girls' items but the babies were pants. Now I do dress the girls in pants if we get them, but I don't purchase pants, and she knows this. So I have come to believe that both mom and MIL are forcing the wardrobe issue very subtely. This year for Christmas I finally came out and Begged the 3 sibling in laws not to purchase gifts for my kids. I pointed out that even just buying a shirt was a problem for us because we had no more room to store extra clothes. They caught the plea and sent beautiful gift cards for Michaels to us-Yeah! But mom and MIL ignored us again and sent more clothes that were donated or resold. The worst is that neither the resale shop or the local charity wants what my mom buys unless I wash it first because it comes from a chain smoking house and even the new stuff stinks. I feel so ungrateful and my mom knows how to make me feel worse. We have danced around the issue for several years now.I have tried to be charitable but it drives me crazy that she is wasting so much money. Money that we could use for dance lessons, or college funds, or homeschool books, charity...
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: What would you do?
