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donnalynn
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| Posted: Dec 19 2007 at 9:07am | IP Logged
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I became a parent to a teenager this past summer with oldest dd.
It's not going well. Especially now at Christmas - all our treasured traditions are suddenly - sooo boring.
I can't thank Elizabeth enough for her talk from the conference - the title is not coming to mind at the moment but I try to keep it mind. I think I'll post the spiritual works of mercy on a kitchen cabinet(and in the bathroom, on the washing machine, etc..)
I just can't believe this is my daughter. I know I am taking it all too personally. It is so hard not too.
I guess what drives me the most crazy is how polite, sweet, helpful, and patient she is with everyone else! She is great with younger children - horrible to her own younger brothers. (Although I admit they are quite the handful.)
If anyone has any words of wisdom and encouragement or suggestions I would really appreciate them. I really can't remember a more stressful Advent.
Thanks.
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donnalynn
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lapazfarm
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| Posted: Dec 19 2007 at 9:39am | IP Logged
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Try to take comfort in the fact that she is polite and kind to others. That means at least she knows how she is SUPPOSED too act. And although it isn't pretty, it is pretty common. The nastiness at home is all about her trying to assert her independence and grow into her own person, which is a good thing, really in the end. It's just that early teens have not yet matured enough to realize this doesn't mean we have to be ugly about it. She will get there eventually, though for some it takes longer than others. Be sure to give her lots of opportunities to show her independence and growing competence. Treat her as if she were already the woman you wish her to become and that often has great effect.
This too shall pass is the motto for all mothers of a teenage girl!
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Dec 19 2007 at 3:09pm | IP Logged
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 Donna, this really is common, which is not meant to minimize but rather to reassure. I have no answers but I can assure you that time is on your side. This really isn't personal. In general, I ask myself, "How can I help this child with the truth and reality that God provides?" So often when a teen is acting in an unkind, arrogant, selfish, slothful, despaired, entitled way, they are plunging into a lie - whether cultural, hormonally drenched, or emotionally skewed. I think about how difficult it is to own and rest in God's truth as an experienced adult, and how hard it is to hold it all together all at one time and I feel empathy! So, when I have my head on straight and my heart in the right place (Mother Mary help me!) I try to choose my battles carefully and help my teen see and own reality. For example, I will let the messy room slide while we work on the relationships with her brothers. If she is unkind to her brother, I will coach:
"That seemed harsh. Can I help you?"
"You seem frustrated. Do you need a minute to collect yourself?"
"I'm so sorry things aren't going as you would like. How can I help?"
"It is easy to take your frustations out on your brother, but I can't let you. Can we talk in the other room?"
On another reassuring note, your struggles are most likely peaking. Rumor has it that this stuff starts with homeschooled girls at ~ 11 and ends ~ 16. Which gets me to...
I had to let go of the little lie that I let slip into my heart. Before I had children, I had worked with many teenagers and most of them were in serious trouble. I was also a teen who didn't grow up in the most ideal situation. Somewhere along the way, it slipped into my heart that I could spare my children difficulties and provide them with a wholesome faithful homeschooling environment which would rationally translate into smooth sailing from childhood to adulthood for them. Silly, I know  . The truth is, this is a big transition...for all involved:).
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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ALmom
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| Posted: Dec 21 2007 at 2:34pm | IP Logged
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Sometimes it is helpful to find time to help them discern where their time and energies are best spent. I know it is normal to have some of those rough spots - the neat freak who suddenly is dropping used kleenex on the floor; the totally considerate child who suddenly leaves her best friend and sister baffled cause she is suddenly finding fault, etc. Angie's advice on picking battles and not letting them get away with unkindness is really right on.
A few additional things that helped me:
Staying out of the emotional swing myself. I could be empathetic, but had to avoid prolonging the pity party. I learned the things that were sensitive issues (in our house this was almost always clothing related) and deferred those to my much more even keeled dear husband. These sensitive issues were also those I chose not to enter into battles over unless I really, really had to.
It really was often better to get dad to handle some of the touchier issues - dress was one of those for us with one of ours. Daughter was extremely touchy about me saying things were too tight - no matter how much I explained that it was not weight but that she was rounding into a young woman. Daddy could somehow phrase it just so (usually he was way more indirect and she was his little girl so it was always better received even if we had phrased it in identical ways). There just wasn't the same emotional dynamic with him.
Also clothes shopping, I let her try on stuff even if I knew just from looking at it on the rack that it would not be modest. Most of the time, she figured it out on her own. At the end of a long shopping trip, I guarantee, the child was tempted by the best that was out there even when it was unacceptable. I might acknowledge that it was the best available, but then in answer to could she buy it, I would defer to husband's authority. You know if you really, really like it and want it, you can get it, save the receipt and run it by dad. If I'd had to, I could have given dh a subtle heads up BUT actually I never did, she always knew deep down that it wasn't acceptable and just put it back on the rack or had a definite way in mind to modify it. There were a few things that maybe we should have chosen to fight over with regards dress here, but it is easier now to give my direct opinion without causing meltdown.
Make the time to have to just chat alone with the teen about life in general - not school related at all. Listen to the things they share that may be causing angst. Different needs become very dominant in the teen years and depending on personality, these need to be filled somehow. Pray, discuss with dh and find ways to encourage things that might fulfill these needs - even if it involves serious sacrifice on the part of the family. In our house, the oldest had serious social needs. She was extremely lonely, thrives on being really, really busy, etc. and needed to mingling with a large group of widely divergent personalities. She needed something to focus all that pent up energy towards. For her, she found a niche with expanding music into more group things (she took up violin in her teens so she could play in orchestra). This one thing did more than anything else to calm the waters a bit. We kept her away from unstructured hanging out time as she was very vulnerable to peer pressure and had not shown maturity to resist the peer pressure. Some of this, we simply acted as parents and said No.
Our second daughter is much more serious and could care less about being in crowds of people, and is 100% oblivious to peer pressure. She is more introverted and arts and craftsy - BUT she has developed angst over finding real work (TRANSLATE service) outside the family combined with an introspective realization that she does need to learn how to interact a bit more with other people as she has grown to realize that her introspection is often misinterpreted as either arrogance or lack of interest in others. She sees the need to develop a skill while serving some real need. With our first daughter, her desire for a job was almost exclusively based on having pocket money and wanting to buy faddish clothing (we discouraged the job by pointing out that she ought to wait till she could get one in something she likes like music - besides when would she work, was she going to give up music camps and competitions to meet work obligations?) My husband and I are still discerning with the second daughter's request - but, we may, in fact, assist her in discerning an appropriate job. In the meantime, I am going with her to help at a Veterans Museum (we're
cateloguing the reference library), have encouraged her to approach Father about a young person's adoration and use of the hall for some service projects afterwards (care packages/letters for the soldiers is her particular favorite or pro-life type things). We, through conversation, understand her frustration that a number of the teen gatherings and even classes are lacking in seriousness and it is frustrating to see people supposedly signed up for a play who won't learn lines, sometimes don't show, etc. She has astutely recognized that a number of these people are not interested in real work, but in haning out and come to anything that involves a group of teens that gives them an excuse to chat. She isn't upset that the other kids like to chat - just that she wants a serious commitment to get things done and felt that perhaps this group is more about social gatherings and she should do something seperate so that those that do come are serious about the work at hand and those who really do not want to work at all and just chat, have the other alternative. Our approaches to what we do and don't allow with this one are different than with the oldest - because the vulnerabilities, strengths and weaknesses are different. We have to talk to them, though, to ferret out the real needs. Our teens usually have angst that gets taken out on family and it takes a bit of helping them discern what is really eating them - they know something is wrong, some need isn't being met, but just aren't always sure what it is. We have to help them find this and then help them own the solutions without trying to fix everything (we cannot fix everything anyways. I never could resolve my oldest daughter's deep lonliness, but we did help her find ways to do what she could to meet and be around people in ways that were healthy for her).
Janet
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donnalynn
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| Posted: Jan 24 2008 at 5:13pm | IP Logged
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I just wanted to thank Theresa, Angie, and Janet for your insights. It really helped me get over a very frustrating hump.
My daughter,13, right now, is in the kitchen cooking two giant apple pancakes for dinner. On Thursdays, dh does not get home until after 10:00pm - she asked what was for dinner and and I said "Hmmm maybe apple pancake"...
She immediately went in the kitchen and started putting everything together. She has also been great about taking her younger brothers outside for walks.
It's a roller coaster - this parenting a teen! I think I might be inspired to start a journal - so when the more difficult days do come I can look back on these moments.
Just wanted to share quick, but I have to go now - the pancake is ready! Don't you just a love a breakfast-like dinner when it is just you and the children on a cold winter night...YUM...
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donnalynn
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Macmom
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| Posted: Jan 25 2008 at 6:58pm | IP Logged
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You know, I was going to post on this topic! My oldest is 15.5 and the past year has been miserable! (But I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel!)
Forget post-partum depression, I think we need a prima-parentis adolescent support group to cope!
Peace,
Macmom
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Catholic family life works on the same principle as a washing machine- clothes get clean by agitation.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: new teens
