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teachingmyown
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| Posted: Nov 29 2007 at 9:32am | IP Logged
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How do you all deal with gift buying for extended family? The budget is tight and I have no time or energy to get creative with homemade gifts.
For years, I have purchased small gifts for dh's siblings, my siblings and my nieces and nephews. My side of the family usually reciprocates to some extent, some much more than others. Most of them we see on Christmas or very close to it. Dh's side does not reciprocate at all. Now, three of his siblings are very young adults and really don't have anything to give. It isn't about that. But we don't see them and don't get an acknowledgement of even having received a gift.
So as I frantically try to finish up here, I am questioning the point of sending off gift baskets or gift cards that we can't really afford to people who don't seem to care a whole lot.
I don't want to be Scrooge and like to try to keep a connection, but how far am I obligated to go?
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In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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mellyrose
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| Posted: Nov 29 2007 at 10:05am | IP Logged
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Molly, I'm struggling with the same thing right now!
Especially with the cost of postage, even if I find some great deals to share for gifts - I spend a fortune shipping the items (and except for my sister, everyone's gifts have to be shipped. We don't see anyone for the holidays most years unless someone is traveling.)
We also receive gifts from a few people that I would like to drop off our lists -- for instance one of DH's friends from high school sends the kids gifts each year, but we've never met their children (they have 3 as well) and haven't seen them in over 7 years. I asked DH last night if I could contact them and somehow say that we care for them, but they don't have to send gifts anymore (so I don't have to figure out things to send to them either) It's a touchy situation!
I'm torn between just stopping -- and hoping they do, too, next year (but sending grateful thank you notes) or contacting them asking that we stop exchanging gifts. I feel that we should contact them, DH feels we should take the passive route (and since they are his friends I feel I should follow his lead -- BUT since I'm the one who does the choosing, purchasing, sending and thank you note writing - I have more guilt than he does if we are not reciprocating.)
I'm not helping you much, am I? Would a card with a kind note cut it for those people on your list? Or perhaps a food basket type gift that all can share? (if they're living together?)
Good Luck to you! I still don't know how I'm cutting our list this year and money is really tight.
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Melanie in AZ
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Martha
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| Posted: Nov 29 2007 at 10:18am | IP Logged
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We only buy for our kids and my god-children (and their siblings - usually a family gift)
That's it. Most years dh and I don't even exchange gifts.
Maybe you could institute a family game gift rule? Buy a boardgame or something along that lines for the family, rather than individual games?
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Mackfam
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| Posted: Nov 29 2007 at 10:35am | IP Logged
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I'm watching this thread closely for a solution too! I was going to post this same question later.
We have some friends that buy each of our children a gift or sends a gift card for each birthday AND Christmas!  The monetary amount is not small either, which sort of sets a standard as to how much we have to set aside for their boys. Aside from the "stuff" issue - we're really *trying* to live more simply, this is getting to be too much gift buying. They only have 2 boys, but our 4th is on the way, and I am not good at handling this sort of thing. The mom is/was a good friend of mine, but our friendship has really not grown as we have grown in different directions with our families. She's the sort that will be very bitter I think if I try to cut off the gift giving, and I hate to hurt other people's feelings in that way. But...our budget is extremely tight this year too, and two more gifts are just not fitting in!!!
Molly, for our Catholic side of the family, we started having Masses offered for them and used the explanation that a supernatural gift would always fit, and since we weren't sure of their other needs/wants we went in that direction. I think that went over well.
I'm sort of up a creek with the friend I mention above, their family is staunchly Protestant, so a gift of Masses offered would not be welcome. Also, the explanation of wanting to simplify the stuff that is incoming is not a shared philosophy. I'm bracing for the dh to say "just figure out a way, but this has to stop!" and then out of obedience I won't have a choice. I hope someone here has some wisdom on this one!
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Jen Mackintosh
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mimmyof5
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| Posted: Nov 29 2007 at 10:49am | IP Logged
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Since my dh comes from a family of 14 children, buying individual gifts would be out of the question. So what they do is draw names. In this way everybody gets a gift, but we're only buying for one family. And instead of individual gifts for each member of the family, we do family gifts: puzzle, games, gift card for Hastings plus popcorn, hot chocolate mix, etc.
Maybe something like this might an idea to introduce???
Janet
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Nov 29 2007 at 10:50am | IP Logged
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If I want to stop exchanging, I ask...in January. That way no one gets upset if they've already shopped.
I realize this isn't a good, cost-cutting solution right now, though.
We're going through round 2 of "let's stop exchanging" with some family members now - turns out there's a lot of emotional baggage attached to this issue. I've decided to negotiate with each family unit separately. So far, it hasn't worked too well, but I am trying.
Also, s-i-l and her husband have split, and somehow she left him nearly ALL the stuff. She needs things now, so dh and I are buying her a small item. (Otherwise my m-i-l will decide she needs it and buy it for her, on a fixed income. Grrr.)
I think I would ask if my relative had started shopping and if he/she had not, suggest that with a new baby almost here, shopping is just too hard, so this is a good time to try something you've been considering for a very long time - ending the gift exchange. (Or, just say, we've been buying you small gifts for a long time and it seems more appropriate to send a card and personal letter...maybe a photo of your family...)
I will warn you that this can cause all kinds of unexpected fallout. (One of my relatives got upset because she thought we were saying she was too poor to buy gifts. Another wants us to have things to open on Christmas morning. Another made an agreement with part of our family about contributing to charities instead, didn't tell us, and then got upset when we didn't follow the new giving guidelines. You get the idea.)
Do it anyway.
(PS - Health issues are a really good reason to stop all the senseless shopping. This is your year, Molly!)
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Tina P.
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We're a really bad family.  We've been invited to exchange gifts with our family every year. And every year we declined.  We lived anywhere from 2,000 miles to across the world from my family. I barely know the nieces and nephews anymore. It's a shame. I wish we lived closer and at the same time, I know that it would only exacerbate our already looney immediate family situation! 
In reading the thread further, I see that some of you have *bad* families like ours. Well, that makes me feel a ton better! 
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Barbara C.
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This isn't really an issue for me personally since my husband is an only child and I only have one sister, bil, and a niece and nephew. We mainly do gift cards all around.
However, this became an issue for my mom and her brother as nieces and nephews started having their own broods. My mom and her brother (ok probably really her sil) made an agreement that each child would get a savings bond every birthday and Christmas until they turned 18. My kids get two $50 savings bonds every year.
I don't know how much each bond costs the purchaser. But it certainly is not a cluttering gift, and it does add up over time. The new policy started while I was still under eighteen and my bonds helped pay for my honeymoon.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Nov 29 2007 at 12:38pm | IP Logged
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if they're not reciprocating.. I would think a card would be a good cheap way to maintain a connection.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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PDyer
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guitarnan wrote:
| We're going through round 2 of "let's stop exchanging" with some family members now - turns out there's a lot of emotional baggage attached to this issue. I've decided to negotiate with each family unit separately. So far, it hasn't worked too well, but I am trying. |
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We've had much the same experience, unfortunately. We've been trying to simplify Christmas for years. It's definitely been a process.
This year, however, one side of the family decided to have the children pick names and exchange gifts among themselves (with a dollar limit). Our generation will be each creating a gift bag including some of their 'favorite things', to a dollar limit, to exchange with a person of the same gender. So I might pack up my favorite pretty smelling candle to exchange with a female relation on that side of the family, for example. This change will be a great help.
The other side of the family is a different sort. Most of them provide us with a list of their gift choices for our nieces and nephews. Last year I decided to reduce my Christmas card list to send cards only to those people we wouldn't be seeing, and some took offense at that small simplification.
I found it's been a really fine line to walk, doing what I need to do for my family while at the same time trying really hard not to offend people who take changes to tradition personally. I'll be praying for you.
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SusanJ
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We usually spend Christmas more or less on our own, by choice because our families aren't Catholic. This year we are going to a one-time only gathering of dh's entire extended family for Christmas. Fortunately, some of them have the "less is more" attitude but we are definitely needing to give more gifts this year and things are much tighter for us this year than in the past couple years.
I knew I needed to go homemade because there just isn't much you can buy new and have be nice and meaningful. I'm not crafty, really, so I settled on food gifts. I think they are typically appreciated and they are consumable--you're not asking anyone to put something they don't like on display. I settled on "gourmet" spice mixes from a cookbook. I've used them and loved them and gotten compliments from a few family members, so I think it will be a hit. Spices can be pricey but our co-op has great deals and I think I'm giving 12 sets of four spice mixes for a total of $6.00/gift (including packaging). I'm packaging them in glass jars, but they could be put in paper bags for light shipping. Mixing them is so simple--dump in a big bowl! I think the labeling will be the most challenging part for me. I know homemade can be daunting but if you can find an easy, inexpensive way to do it, I think it communicates the right message to people: I care, I took time for you this season, I like simple things, we can't afford big gifts, etc. And all in a positive way.
Anyway, it is a tough situation. Dh and I do not always exchange gifts and I think we would both be fine making that a "rule" if it meant preserving relationships, but it sounds like some of you have already cut the budget there or that it wouldn't help with some of these expensive obligations! I'll share my spice recipes if anyone is interested . . .
Susan
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guitarnan
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Susan,
Please do! I've ordered spices in bulk from Penzeys for years - it would be great to make spicy gifts. Thanks for offering.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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JenniferS
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This is the first year we will not be in my family's gift exchange(for the adults). All but one of my sibligs is very understanding that we hardly have enough for ourselves, let alone a $35-$50 gift(yes, that is the price range set for gifts). We have already started purchasing or neices and nephews, but next year, we will probably give mmy side baked goods(chex mix, cookies, bread, etc)and not buy any individual gifts. We will do the same for dh's family. His family is smaller, so they do not draw names, but our budget is very meager. We have already let them know that the adults will get baked goods and other homemade gifts.. The kdis will get small gifts. For the most part, dh's family is understanding.
Jen
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Nov 29 2007 at 7:26pm | IP Logged
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food gifts are often recieved well here.. if you have a pressure canner you can do things like no meat soups or speghetti sauce (combine with a small pack of noodles and a cheap bottle of wine and you have a gourmet meal for under $10)
also if you're looking at the spice mixes.. check the prices at http://www.herbalcom.com
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SusanJ
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I just put the four recipes I'm using up on my blog. Hope this helps someone conquer the over-gifting!
God Bless,
Susan
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Mom to Joseph-8, Margaret-6, William-4, Gregory-2, and new little one due 11/1
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marihalojen
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What about a framed family photo to upgrade the card-letter-photo idea this year? They'd still have something to unwrap this year and then in January you could chat with them about ceasing the exchange altogether next year.
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Extended family gift etiquette
