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mom2mpr
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| Posted: Nov 08 2007 at 6:13pm | IP Logged
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I am wondering if anyone else has had to do this.....
I have "failed" as a mother. Well, not totally, but with having my kids help out. I am really burning out here and need some assistance in keeping the dishes caught up and the house somewhat clean. I am trying, but am totally alone here.
My dc are 10(tomorrow!) and 4. Dh is pretty much out of the picture for numerous reasons-work, etc. So, it is just me and the kiddos.
I truly am fighting to have them do the simple--clear the table, bring down laundry, wastebaskets, take out trash.
I have tried chore charts(ha), tickets, just trying to do it with them, talking to them(they really don't care that I am overworked),etc.
I wish I had more back up, but, I don't. I am the big ogre who makes them do EVERYTHING-go to bed, brush teeth, schoolwork, chores, arghhhh....
And habits--we develop them, move on to another and the first one gets "forgotten." I am soooo tired...
Anyhow, if anyone has the "magic" answer I will pay good money for it 
Anne
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teachingmyown
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| Posted: Nov 08 2007 at 6:53pm | IP Logged
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Anne,
No magic answer here.  My house is absolutely trashed right now. I was thinking today how I have failed my kids by not training them better from the start. I am amazed at how messy they are and how they don't listen to me.
I recently got Managers of their Chores (thanks Donna Marie!) and have only had the chance to flip through it. But I know that I need to make this a priority after the baby gets here and we settle into our new family structure.
I too have had many false starts over the years. I think the "magic" lies in picking ourselves up and starting again. I am convinced that you have to have a system, especially if you are like me and tend towards a crisis management style rather than one of maintaining order all along. the kids need to know what is expected and they need consequences other than Mom being grumpy and shouting orders.
We are in this together. Let's pray for each other.
__________________
In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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vmalott
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| Posted: Nov 09 2007 at 7:09am | IP Logged
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I can definitely sympathize with you here, as I have been down that road myself. My kids used to balk all the time when I asked them to do the simplest task. I'm not exactly sure what helped eventually...some of them maturing, perhaps? 
Really, though, it came down to the realization that if they worked TOGETHER, the job would go more quickly than if they stood around bickering with one another about who was doing what. And now they are at the point, after just finishing a couple of days of deep cleaning long-ignored places (their bedrooms and their bonus room upstairs), that if they maintain these areas on a daily or weekly basis AND WORK TOGETHER, they will happily avoid another session of tedious deep-cleaning.
Also, they realize the consequences for not doing certain things: if their laundry isn't where it needs to be, they will have no clean clothes; if the table isn't cleared, they get no snack; if mom is left doing everything, she starts to resent everyone around her, gets grumpy, and then the whole family is off-kilter. Nobody likes a grumpy mom. 
Molly mentioned having a system in place. I agree with this. This is one thing we've been working on this year, both with school and home. They have their weekly checklist for schoolwork, so they know what to expect the whole week and what needs to be accomplished each day.
I just recently set up (that is, THIS WEEK) for myself, a sort of cleaning schedule. After trying numerous routines (hello, FlyLady), I have finally developed one for myself that is adapted to our family's schedule and lifestyle, as well as my own needs for a certain standard of "clean." Visual clutter bothers me when I have the time to sit in an area, and this is heightened following having a baby since all I'm doing is sitting!
Each day is designated a certain area: Monday is for the kitchen, Tuesday for bathrooms, etc, with the goal of having time on the weekend to relax and enjoy my family. There are days where the kids will be responsible for their areas. My oldest son (11) suggested adding these tasks to their school checklist...I'm still thinking on that one.
The point is, they seem to like knowing ahead of time what is expected, instead of having me spring it on them. I have never done chore charts, per se. But some of my kids have the type of personality that likes to check things off of lists...I'm that way also.
And just in case you think I'm one of those "born-organized" people, I am most assuredly not! For many years, I flew by the seat of my pants...with schooling and housekeeping. Schedules and checklists? Pshaw...too rigid! But as I age, I'm seeing the beauty in having some routine...not someone else's routine, but a routine that works for my family, home, and lifestyle. It keeps me sane, and that tends to rub off on the other people in the house.
I'll keep you in my prayers.
Valerie
__________________
Valerie
Mom to Julia ('94), John ('96), Lizzy ('98), Connor ('01), Drew ('02), Cate ('04), Aidan ('08) and three saints in heaven
Seven Times the Fun
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Tina P.
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| Posted: Nov 15 2007 at 11:34pm | IP Logged
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vmalott wrote:
| They have their weekly checklist for schoolwork, so they know what to expect the whole week and what needs to be accomplished each day. |
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So I have to ask, how do you manage to *not* let the kids lose their school checklists? My kids mysteriously lose theirs on a regular basis.
vmalott wrote:
| Each day is designated a certain area: Monday is for the kitchen, Tuesday for bathrooms, etc, with the goal of having time on the weekend to relax and enjoy my family. There are days where the kids will be responsible for their areas. |
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How do you manage to have one day per room? Our kitchen needs a good scrubbing including the floor 3x/week! Each child in our house has a zone for which he's responsible. I try to consider what the child can handle when doling out zones, but this is in addition to their bedrooms. He is responsible for keeing that zone tidy daily and dusting, and vacuuming it weekly.
If the situation really gets out of hand, we have job auctions. The high bid limit is $10.00 per room. The lowest bid wins. We have several kids, so an older one and a younger one can team up so that everyone gets a piece of the pie.
vmalott wrote:
| The point is, they seem to like knowing ahead of time what is expected, But as I age, I'm seeing the beauty in having some routine...not someone else's routine, but a routine that works for my family, home, and lifestyle. It keeps me sane, and that tends to rub off on the other people in the house. |
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Is this a universal truth or what?
Anne:
I wonder whether your anxiety isn't partly caused by the wind-down of school and wind-up of holidays looming. I know I'm just standing over the kids with whips (don't anyone take this literally, please) lately because I want to be at a certain place by November 21 at 3:00 pm.  If I really look at things, we have another week before St. Nicholas Day and our month-long holiday begins. And if we don't finish by then, one or two subjects can straggle along. And we can replace grammar, spelling, and math, with holiday art, cookie-baking, and gift-making.
And I find that when I breathe fire, not one thing gets done any faster. I'll let you in on a little secret as well. We had HVAC guys in our house for 7 days. Surprise of all surprises, the house managed to be clean the whole time all by itself (with a little help from me). We *did* back off on school ... which perhaps is why I'm struggling so hard now to get them to finish ... hmmm, never thought of that before just now. 
God bless,
__________________
Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
Mary's Muse
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: Nov 16 2007 at 6:41am | IP Logged
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I finally realized being mean and stressed about it doesn't help. But I could be so much more efficient if we could just "do it." Whatever the task may be. It is better to have my kids smiling at me though.
Yes, I have lot's of holiday travels looming, some job changes possible for dh, and of course, the holidays. The travels really get me. The kids get out of sync, our house and laundry pile up, and I am alone in getting that all back together. We travel about every 2 months and in between usually have visitors. I am always trying to "keep up" and dealing with the tired kids that take at least a week to get back to "normal" just wears me out.
So, I am also dealing with the pressure of ds falling behind in schoolwork because a simple 5 day travel means 2 weeks off of schoolwork due to tiredness and attitudes. Dh really needs him to be with his peers academically. That weighs on me some. Having family far away isn't helping as most trips are to visit family and that is important.
I do need to work on a routine--but not every day is the same here.
Anne
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vmalott
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| Posted: Nov 16 2007 at 8:24am | IP Logged
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Tina P. wrote:
| So I have to ask, how do you manage to *not* let the kids lose their school checklists? My kids mysteriously lose theirs on a regular basis. |
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They each have folders that has the week's work in it (math worksheets, maps, etc.) as well as their checklists. The folders are kept on a shelf along w/their notebooks and any other books that they use on a daily basis.
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| How do you manage to have one day per room? |
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Ah, well, I guess it's more of a "zone" than a room/day. I just couldn't get myself to work w/ Flylady's weekly zones, so now I have the daily areas to focus on. Kitchen/entry/powder room; dining room/living room/bonus room; bedrooms (4); bathrooms (3).
I also have quite a relaxed standard of "clean".  Kitchen/entry/powder room have ceramic tile floor, which gets a deep clean once/week, with sweeping/spot mop (or wipe up) done daily. Dusting happens when it starts to really bother me seeing dust. There is daily pick-up in most places...little jobs that take maybe 5 minutes, tops, less if everyone chips in.
Valerie
__________________
Valerie
Mom to Julia ('94), John ('96), Lizzy ('98), Connor ('01), Drew ('02), Cate ('04), Aidan ('08) and three saints in heaven
Seven Times the Fun
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Tina P.
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| Posted: Nov 16 2007 at 10:58am | IP Logged
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I don't believe any day is the same in our house due to appointments, lessons, scouts, life in general. But yes, travel does take a heavier toll on routine. Have you explored this thread or this one? This thread has good thoughts as well.
Take it easy on your kids and yourself. There are seasons in your life when you just must put up with a less-than-spotless house to have content kids. I'm only just barely reaching the outer edge of this phase, and my oldest is 13!
__________________
Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
Mary's Muse
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Enlisting help
